My daughter is 16 and very mean to me.. HONOR student she is cruel

Cari - posted on 12/25/2012 ( 22 moms have responded )

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My daughter is 16 and very very bright. I am a single mom but I am totally dedicated to her I am a full time realtor and she goes to private High School. We are not well off but decent, and she has the best I can give her. She is so cruel from 13 until now 16 she does not stop. Now she dosent talk she snaps at me whenever I ask her something. I have raised her with love and kisses and caring. She is so blessed I am self employed I drive her to school & pick her up since she was little always with her.!. She did not even say Merry Christmas to me... what do I do I am living in agony for no reason. No. she does not take drugs, no she does not have bad friends . .. all her friends are A students from incredible good families.. I cant stand living this way .. what do I do?????

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Julie - posted on 01/11/2013

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Sorry to hear the HORMONAL stage has kicked in, and you are the one getting hit! We hurt the ones we love the most, but we also must teach people how to treat us. Stop the catering already! Catering is spoiling and spoiled means: "to go bad" Real motherly love is to teach her to be INDEPENDENT from you so she can go into the big world prepared.
Tell her this, I have decided I do not have time to cater to you like I use to. You are old enough to do the following (list it) for yourself from now on. I need the time to get my things done, and some day you will be on your own. It's my job as a mother to get you there.
If you had showed me some respect and appreciation, this conversation probably would not be happening. But you don't, and you have not for years. So we start today.
Then mom, follow through! When she yells at you for breakfast, tell her milk is in the fridge and cereal is in the cupboard...help yourself :)

Kara - posted on 01/25/2013

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She does it to you because she can... You are gonna have to establish some boundaries and quit catering to her. When she sees that you are not going to tolerate her talking to you in the manner that she has been she will stop. My daughter tried that stuff, and I shut her down rather quickly by letting her know I was not her friend I was her mother, and she might not like me but she was going to listen to me and respect me in my home. I think these days we might be too good to our kids, and they don't respect us the way we respected our parents, we knew if we talked back to them a beating was coming. I was not abused as a child, but I firmly believe a healthy fear of your parents is necessary to maintain control of a home. Hope it gets better for you soon!

Sheri - posted on 01/13/2013

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I have personally found that my teen daughter needs to vent. There is no one she can be mean/angry with in life more than mom. See if she takes angry, sorrow, stress, etc out on mom she will still be loved. Try doing what I do with my teen. We have a decompress time. The first hour or so after school she can just vent. No consequences and no questions asked. She complans about any little thing that may be bugging her. Some small, some larger. It can range from friends to teachers. I let her yell, cry, huff and puff. Our kids have so much going on. They are expected to act like adults, but have the ability to funtion as kids on an emotional level. There is so much pressure on teens that are trying to get into a good college. She has to be a role model for everyone. She cannot afford to 'lose it' in front of anyone. It is a sign of weakness. If you let her get it out of her system in a controled way you might find there is more time for bonding. You will learn a lot about your daughter from listening to the little things she finds annoying in her day. I am proud to know my daughter hates the way other students treat most teachers. Seems I must have taught her respect properly.

Sit her down and tell her you have not been happy with all the negative vibes. Ask her if it would be something she would be willing to do. You might be surprised at her reaction. You could even turn it into 'girls gripe'. I am sure you can come up with things to vent about too. Just don't put money worries on her. She might benefit from knowing that you truely understand how she feels. Good luck to you.

Liz - posted on 12/31/2012

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cari, i read your post and I can relate, my daughter is 17 and was treating me the same way. last year she was so upset with me at one point that she threatened to move with friends. she even packed some of her things. I took her computer away and she just rolled her eyes but when I tried to take her phone away she came apart. She treats her friends with more respect than me and it really bothers me to no end. Her dad and me divorced when she was 5 and she adjusted fine, we have joint equal custody and I worked a lot but her dad was always there for the kids and we had a good relationship for the kids. when my daughter hit the age of 16 she pretty much didnt like the family anymore. She just came out and told me, Mom I just dont like to hear your voice...! THAT HURT. So i called her dad and told him we need to do something I cant keep going on like this with her and he said let me take her for a while and so reluctantly I let her go. I of course called her constantly and flooded her with text messages to make sure to remind her of the things she needs to do and checking her grades. She finally just told me, MOM RELAX, I GOT THIS...! She had been doing great in school, met a nice boy that she dates and works two part time jobs and bought herself a nice car. I cant believe the change in her. Once I gave her space and let her do more on her own without constantly holding her hand and reminding her what to do before she did it I cant believe the change in her. She is much happier and believe it or not she has a organized life with her very busy schedule. She dont call me much, only if she needs to talk about a problem or needs help buying something that is alot of money, but when I call her to talk, if shes not busy she does give me time and talks to me like a friend and I love it. She is such a joy now I cant believe the difference in her. We are closer now than ever. I check on her often, even when she dont know it. I stop by the house and check her room and make sure things are in order and check her facebook and she is doing very well. her room is cleaner than mine...lol So on a final note what worked with my 16-17 year old daughter was to give her space. I dont know if that would work for everyones daughter but I had to do something before I lost her for good.
Thank you, Hope this helps some,

Liz

Cari - posted on 01/24/2013

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Sheri....

Yes you are right! thank you. My sister in Italy told me same to sit with her and ask her. But teens sometimes donot even want to sit and talk. But Demi, my daughter hopefully she will .. tonight is the day to sit & talk. Listen I have it made she is an incredible student. I think is the age, the pressure and hormones too. Girls are moody and go thru more changes I think. I pray for her and she will snap out of it. She is going to Harvard ! yes Harvard on a debate competition for 7 days she wins the debates first place.. I think those seven days away she will do great and miss home and maybe realize the catering.!!!!! I need to have faith and patience, also teens are not easy. But after reading some horror stories here of parents that kids run away and they are taking drugs, my situation is NOTHING compare to that. Thank you Sheri you are so right about your message to me. I am very emotional so I have to be stronger with her at times and be in control 200%. thanks again

22 Comments

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Di - posted on 02/01/2013

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It is a tough age but you need to start weaning her from depending on your total dedication. By doing so she will become more independent, have more self-confidence and over time show you more respect and appreciation. Parents nowadays need to stop giving their children so much and start expecting a standard of behaviour that benefits all. Make her walk or take public transport to some of her activities, do chores, speak in a respectful manner or take away privileges.
It may be a rough few months to change old habits but the effort should bring a more positive relationship.

Cari - posted on 01/24/2013

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Yes you are right and I read about it... that girls take it out on the moms and boys on dads.. Listen I have it made with her! I read horror stories here of kids on drugs and run aways.. OH my god! I have it easy with her... I just have to be stronger and firm with her. but she is heaven.. in school and always home..... it is JUST TEEN YEARS.. some people say they are aliens so we as parents better keep our sense of humor and faith and pray.

Cari - posted on 01/24/2013

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Hi.. Demi is doing better. I think is her age and stress in school. I do not even answer back when she says sarcastic things here and there.!!!! .. the best way is not to answer them period!!!!

Yes I do cater to her..... I have to stop that a little... She will grow up & realize all I do for her.! one day eventually... God bless our kids and we must have a lot of patience a lot!

Sheri - posted on 01/21/2013

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Have you looked into the possibility that you are doing to much for her,,?
with my second and my fourth I really had to learn how to walk away and not take them and thier alien treatment of me personal, being that you are the closest person to her, it is possible that she is just taking it out on you.
does it mean you have to accept it.. ? noo.. let her know its not acceptable and walk away, let her get her own milk, do her own laundry, have some responsibility for herself.

((( Hugs))) best of luck..

Michelle - posted on 01/21/2013

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It is not the age that is just what people like to think. The man from childrens services was right she is spoiled. It doesn't matter what grades she gets in school. You say your family is decent but you can afford a private education and she volunteers with handicap kids at school. She volunteers for the college credit not to help others.l Why don't you take her to the homeless shelter so she can see what life is like for herself.

Michelle - posted on 01/21/2013

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It is not the age that is just what people like to think. The man from childrens services was right she is spoiled. It doesn't matter what grades she gets in school. You say your family is decent but you can afford a private education and she volunteers with handicap kids at school. She volunteers for the college credit not to help others.l Why don't you take her to the homeless shelter so she can see what life is like for herself.

Lisa - posted on 01/19/2013

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I could have written that word for word! My dtg also does well in school, and can be very moody, and just recently did not let me take a picture of her during a family dinner for her birthday! I was angry about it, held in in, and then finally talked to her about it, because I stated to feel depressed about it, thinking of all the great birthdays till now. She didn;t know how much that had hurt me. And what I feel is, the nature of teenagers are, they are hyper sensitive, and very focused on them selves, and need to be reminded to think of others. I have really been learning to remain calm, enforce my rules, and guide her that each action has a consequence. Meeting on some common ground helps, don't focus on what we used to do together, find something to do together now. It's so hard, but my day can't be ruined because of her rolling her eyes at me, or telling me how lame I look, lol. I fond I have to be blatant with her- don't do this, or say this because.... Everyday is a new day, and I hope to remain positive! it's not easy!

Jessica - posted on 01/12/2013

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All of these post are so helpful for me to read. I am crying as I sit here typing this! I have a 16 year old daughter who is my world, and she treats me terrible...only me! Her dad can say something to her the same as me but she responds to him, and tells me I am annoying and says I won't back off. I have taken phone, ground her etcc and even try backing off. I don't put up with the lack of respect but I am not getting anywhere with her. My biggest problem is her friends parents, as they let their girls run the show! I just joined this group and posted a question about a half hour ago. I just never ever thought we would have these problems when she was raised with 2 loving parents and many other family and friends. I feel like I can't do anything right these days!

[deleted account]

Hang in there! We have been in a "perpetual state of teen years" for the past TEN years! (My Husband & I are in a 2nd marriage). His boys were 12, 14 & 15 when we met. My Daughter was 7. They are now 25/24/22 and 17.

So as I said...TEN years of TEENS. My Daughter, the only girl...by far worst in attitude. However, I must say when boys were teens they gave their Dad alot of attitude.

I completely believe in the theory of the same sex parent is the one that gets the majority of negative attitude. Meaning the boys & their Dad. Myself & my Daughter.

My Husband calls them "Mean-agers.". In any event, I am walking towards that "light at the end of the tunnel." I can finally see it. Good luck to you!

Cari - posted on 12/30/2012

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Ariana join my circle... you are wonderful... Tell me if you have raised children.. thank you.!

Cari - posted on 12/30/2012

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Ariana.. thank you you are right.! so right.! and I do not do this!.... I am alone with her and she is my all....but you are right. ! Believe me you are a good writer and came across so well.! thank you. I am a great mom. believe me! all is her!.. but you are right... For Christmas gifts and I bought her more since she is going to Harvard for 7 days on a Debate.. ( she is 11th grader) but she wins all the debates so they are taking the group to Harvard in February. not easy .. Ariana when I am alone with her! , meaning not easy to not give her things.! I will try that and my sister that lives in Italy told me the same thing... to do that.. what you specifically told me. I will start now! now and she will change. But listen Ariana after reading so many horror stories here my god!!! I have nothing compare to some serious issues ladies have and I will pray for a lot of them.! Yes you are so right.. so right. Do you have children to? You sound as if you have raised some already. Write back . thank you!!!! Have a Happy New Year.!

Cari - posted on 12/27/2012

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Bridget thank you for your response. she does help handicap kids at school for extra college credits.. ....... and they love her. ! it is the age. I have to just ..... take more time for me and me and me!............................ She has been the center of attention always.. but after reading all these issues here with mothers and teens.. my issue is Nothing. compare to what some are going thru. some with drugs. some ladies have abusive boyfriends, or husbands. now!!!! that is so sad. and serious..!!!! so I will cope with mine. she is always at home..... and studying. just age.. Inmature.. .......... she will grow up. I think 26, 27 not sooner really. she is mature for her studies and very very responsible.. .. but you know I think it is my fault.! 100%%. I cater to her since little and now it is too late...!.... but I am glad I joined this group, now I feel blessed .. my issue is nothing nothing ! compare to some ladies here. I am giving them advice. now.. wow!!!!
Thanks Bridget and Happy New year.. keep in touch.. email me here to chat.. God Bless.

Bridget - posted on 12/27/2012

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I can agree with the age. My 15 year old son does not appreciate all that he has. They feel very entitled at this age. I have tried to get him a job but he needs to be 16. I think that would help foster some maturity. I wonder too if volunteering with underprivileged kids
Might be eye opening for her? Perhaps you could slant it as something she needs to do in order to have a more rounded application for college good luck it is not easy

Cari - posted on 12/26/2012

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Yes Bridget I have. she does not want to tell me. Tough Tough! but the only thing that calms my heart is that she studies and is great great in school .. but yet cruel only to me.. only me..!!!!
I get her the food I serve her the milk I cater to her..! she is my daughter.! No idea I read here a lot of the same thing going on. can it be a teen thing??? wow that is sad...! I took her to the counselor and the counselor told me she has no idea, but she has a great head on her shoulder! and that for me to pray that she goes off to the university and matures and that I am blessed, because she sees cases with kids on drugs and bad issues.. Even though she said that I suffer in my heart.. no Happy Mothers day no Happy Birthday. and.. and to make things worst. she called Family Children Services saying that I do not feed her and /or let her out of the house. ha ha ha!!!! the guy from Children Services.. told me she is spoiled and teen years.! Bridget it is so sad.. and she goes to catholic school... I think she needs a a spiritual.. awakening and all the kids in todays society. to me this does not make any sense. of her attitude.. and I read here a lot of postings and it could be the age.. its awful.... and sad

Bridget - posted on 12/26/2012

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I'm so sorry... I know it is tough when they are surly teenagers. Have you talked with her?

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