My daughter sex texting on chat line and face book

Annmarie - posted on 01/05/2013 ( 33 moms have responded )

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I found my daughter on a chat line talking to men about sex and what she would do for them , and talking to boys on face book saying what she would do for them, she's lied to me and I am heartbroken . She tried to deny it then told everything. She's only 13 years old. I've took her phone and iPad from her and grounded her. Feel like worse mother in the world. She's a bright child in top maths and English class and always winning prizes. I don't know what to do except for crying.

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Annmarie - posted on 01/19/2013

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Hi sandy, am sorry your going through all this. It's not an easy thing to deal with. But your needing to be strong and set some ground rules. I have been to hell and back but we are getting there now, it won't happen over night BUT stick in there...deactivate her Facebook page, take mobile phone ,laptop etc off her anything that she can access Internet on , I went through the screaming and shouting stage, it never helped. I sat down one night and actually listened to my daughter and asked why she did what she did, I never told anyone but last straw was when I cought my daughter about to slit her wrists.....I told no one....your the 1st I've told. Be strong and listen to your daughter, it takes time. I still don't fully trust her, and I have set up a hell of a lot off rules. If you need help from outside ask for it, don't try and do it yourself . We even walked her to and from school bus, she was so embarrassed . For the 1st time in over a year we had a family conversation at dinner table, a laugh, a carry on, just “normal" stuff. Don't give up. You are not alone, we're all in the same boat trying to be good parents. Xx

Trish - posted on 01/25/2013

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Hi again,

I am aware.. the longer this is "allowed" the worse it will get..
we have had endless fights about this music, her behaviour, she now wears THICK black black up and he doesn't see it that she looks like some Gothic tart - he actually sweeps it all under the carpet and hopes it will fade away..
I don't approve and every time we bring this up, we fight, and it's awful..
so I am giving the next couple of months the benefit of the doubt to see what happens and from that, if it gets worse, I know I have to make changes..
Sad, but true...

Ana - posted on 01/21/2013

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Well, the reality is, your daughter is probably having sex already. So you can't stop that. If a young girl is talking about what she would do to a MAN/BOY, then she must know HOW to do it.

So, now that she is, you should probably try to get her on birth control. You can make her cancel her FB/Twitter/Etc.. but it doesn't mean that she is going to stop the behavior.

On the other end, you need to talk with her about conversing and interacting with men older than her. Talk about Rape, talk about Kidnapping,(she needs to realize that she is still a kid) talk about the things that are real when it comes to taunting strange men on the internet for sexual play. If you have to, seek out stories of others who have suffered tragedies to teach her to stick to boys her own age and even then be very careful.

Also, does she have any other activities to keep her working on someting? I mean, I have found that kids who have something to work towards, usually don't find themselves in too much trouble because their minds and time are occupied and they tend to protect what they work so hard to get. Sports, music, dance, art, photography, something...or working towards college. And also she may need a counselor of some type, to talk things out with. Don't be above it. Her life is worth saving. If you don't have the money for it, you can talk to a community center and they can make recommendations, or to your Dr., or even her school.

If all else fails, you can let her know what your plan is if she is planning on not participating in healthy behavior.

And don't cry anymore mom. It's sad that she is going through this right now, but you can help her. You just have to know how to get to her.

I know a teenage girl who played on the internet the very same way and she involved herself with a much older man. They met and he raped her. It's not a game. If you don't tell her how bad things can get, she will think, that's never going to happen to me.

God be with you and your daughter.

Annmarie - posted on 01/19/2013

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Don't back down with your rules , you and your husband need to stick together. Don't give in Sandy. She'll take it hard. If need be give make up away, I put all my daughters school skirts in the bin and made her wear trousers,
She'll scream ,shout make you feel like your a terrible mother, but you are the boss and she still a child, I have cried till I thought my eyeballs was gona pop out . Let her know you are there to help her and listen BUT she still needs to abide by your rules. When my daughter comes in from school I make her sit at dinner table and do homework , then she helps with meal and sets table and then helps tidy up. I've learnt to do things together rather than dictate chores, she seems to talk more now, it's a hard struggle but you will get there.x

Jennifer - posted on 01/07/2013

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I found your post because I am going through the same exact situation with my 14 year old son. I've caught him a few times over the last couple of years and tried what you have - grounding, no internet or phone priviliges, etc. I have gone over and over with him what the consequences could be. Now he is lying and finding other ways to access pornography - like the phone chat lines advertised on TV. I just found yesterday that he spent an entire $50 pre-paid visa card that he got for Christmas on one of those chat lines. I am so scared for him! I don't know what to do. I am meeting with a therapist about him tonight. Just know that you are not alone. I empathize with you... I feel sick to my stomach all the time. I have headaches from gritting my teeth so much. I look horrible from all the crying. The only thing we can do is keep trying to help them. Giving up would make us the bad parents - not because they have a problem.

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Dakota - posted on 02/01/2013

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your not the worst mother in the world. you took the right steps to make sure your daughter didnt get hurt. You should monitor her account and anytime she does "sexting" suspend her account for a week. I've done that with my son and it has worked.

Trish - posted on 01/28/2013

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Thank you for your advice and kind words.. things at home (for now) seem to be going well... so one day at a time...
thanks again

Kristi - posted on 01/28/2013

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All we can do is our best...some days our "best" will be better than others and some days it won't. It is awesome you have a special night with your daughter. She will remember those nights fondly for the rest of her life. Who knows, maybe she'll have the same tradition with her child(ren). Have you thought about or already tried to set aside some one on one time with your boyfriend's daughter? She might resist at first but maybe after some time she'll appreciate the personal attention you give her just because she's her, not because she's acting out and not because she finally got an A but just because she matters just the way she is at that very moment.

Maybe your boyfriend is hard on your daughter because he sees a bright future her. He has hope for her and he doesn't want her to follow in his daughter's foootsteps because maybe deep down he has given up hope and since he doesn't know what else to do, he just lives in denial, calling it a phase so for the moment it eases his guilt of feeling like a failure because his daughter is a hellion and he blames himself. That could be why he never wants to talk about it and why it always turns into a fight, he doesn't want to face how he really feels and what he is truly afraid of. We're all guilty of seeing or believing only what we want to see or believe about someone or some situation at one point in time or another.

Well, you've got your eyes open and you're living with your head in the sand. That is huge all by itself because love is blind! I am confident you will figure out what you need to do and when and how to do it. With God's grace, your boyfriend will have a change of heart and will decide to work with you to build a stronger family. I wish all of you the best and I will pray for strength and wisdom for you.

Trish - posted on 01/28/2013

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Thanks Kristi - your words are wise and very helpful...
I relate to your life and what you must have been through - it's so unfair at times. I know my daughter misses it when it was just her and I - she loves the moments we get to bond just the 2 of us, so I make sure one night a month, we have a mommy-daughter dinner, so her and I can connect and talk about "stuff", so she knows I am always in her corner..
she doesn't want us to move on, despite how hard my boyfriend is on her at times, as his kids can do "now wrong", she does care for him and loves the lifestyle he gives us.. on my own, I could barely afford the rent with my sad salary - but the is not why I am there, I love him in my life, I just don't agree with how he allows his kids to grow up what they can do when they want and what they get away with..
I do care for his kids, but it has been unfair and now that his son has moved in with us.. I guess a whole new challenge has been thrown into my lap! - Like we need another challenge in our relationship!
Financially he said recently if it came to it and we went our separate ways, he would sort me out financially - which makes me think he is thinking about it too..
for now we are taking one day at a time.. and hoping it will just get better!

why is life so hard at times.. not fair!!

thanks again :)

Kristi - posted on 01/28/2013

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It is awful! I totally get that, too. The only way out I could find with my first husband was waiting until our tax return check arrived. My heart raced everyday, hoping I'd get to the check before he would. Luckily, I did. That's what I used to restart my life with my daughter. I was glad to be out of there but weary to start a new relationship. A couple of years later, I started dating the guy who would become my second husband. He was totally opposite of all the other failed relationships I had so I thought. I fell in total love with him. I believed he loved me, too. He raised my daughter like she was his own and I raised his son the same. He started cheating on me. Leaving the kids and me so he could go party. He lied, etc. But, I couldn't let go. I knew what was going on behind my back. I cried ALL the time. The thought of losing him, losing our family was too much for me to bear. I begged him to go to counseling.

During this, my exhusband was doing everything he could to continue to control and abuse my daughter and me. It was a total nightmare.

I was fighting in court for my daughter and at home fighting thoughts of suicide and impending loss. I had so many conflicting thoughts and emotions. So believe me, I understand scary and sad and all the feelings that go with ending a relationship. Once court was over, I had to buck up. My daughter and I packed a few things and my mom flew in and took us back to their home to help us start over. Ironically, my parents moved 6 weeks after we got here. So I was alone again. What keeps me going is the incredible difference this move has made in my daughter's life. She is sincerely happy, she's involved in gymnastics and school sports, she has lots of friends and she is light hearted again. She's trusting and excited about life again. So as terrified and as desperate as I was to stay with my husband, leaving that whole world behind was the best move I ever made.

You'll be ok. If you decide to go, your friends/family will be there for you. And of course you are going to cry and feel sad. Even if it is on your terms, it is still a loss and lots of people go through the whole grieving process after a relationship. You just have to put one foot in front of the other at first. I really am sorry for your situation. You are obviously a good person and a great mom trying to step in and help this girl get back on the right track. Hang in there and keep your eye on the prize. (Which, of course, is your daughter's future;) )

Trish - posted on 01/27/2013

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You are right, but after an ugly divorce and moving towns to get to this man w ith my daughter and the few things I owned 4 years ago, to start again is scary!
hmmmm lets see how the next month goes and if it just keeps getting worse, then yes, I will have to make this move..
tearful just to think about actually..

Kristi - posted on 01/27/2013

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Trish-

It sounds like you've been giving these people the benefit of the doubt for much longer than there has actually been a doubt. I wouldn't sit around watching things go from bad to worse for another two months and then spend two more months going through the break up--get back together phase and then another month trying to figure out who is moving where, etc. Meanwhile, your daughter is being exposed to all of this crap and drama. If you can't even get your boyfriend to have a reasonable conversation with you about his daughter's behaviors, you are definitely not in nor will you be in any position to make a difference, sadly. IMHO, you should spend the next couple of months making arrangements to start over in a new, less stressful, positive environment. I know I sound like a bitchy broken record. I just cannot express the before, during and now with my daughter and her half sisters and what the likelihood of her future if we had not left. My regret is not leaving sooner, saving her from at least some of the pain and drama and heartache.

Trish - posted on 01/27/2013

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Already said all that.. said it is not right, even got that movie "trust" which is about all of this... and she smiles, nodds, agrees it's not right, and then goes to her rooms and does it all over again.. the boyfirend won't take her phone away - he feels its unneccessary and it's "teenagers"...it freaks me out, as he just ignores it.. her mother (his ex) was sleeping around at 14 and doesn't see anything wrong with the fact her daughter is so sexually aware and into all of this..) - he says nothings.. gosh, I really wish I didn't care, but I guess when she falls pregnant, he might pay attention!

Jacqueline - posted on 01/25/2013

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This is a problem but not a new one. We had party line in the 70s and 80s and there were plenty of perps on it trying to meet up with us then 13 year old girls.

Tell her it's not appropriate and that she needs to keep things to people her own age. If someone talks to her about sex, they are manipulating her and she needs to see that for what it is.

Kristi - posted on 01/25/2013

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She is still a child. You are an adult and you are and have been the mother/mother figure in that home. A piece of paper is not going to change that. Your opinion should already count. We are all responsible for the well being of children, regardless. If your boyfriend doesn't get that now, he never will. You can't have two sets of standards and expectations under the same roof and expect to live and work together as one family unit. Trust me, it doesn't work. You have to decide what kind of life you want for your daughter and figure out if you can have that life with your current boyfriend and his daughter or not. I know what I'm saying is ridiculously hard to think about and even harder to do but I've been there. The longer you wait, the harder it will be to make things work no matter what you decide.

Trish - posted on 01/24/2013

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I feel that sometimes I must just ignore it, pretend I don't care, but sadly that is not in my nature!
It hurts me that he 'allows' it, calls it a phase.. yet for the past 2 years it gets worse.. so how is this "phase" going to go away, if anything, it will get worse!
Then I have to remind myself she is not my daughter, but one day she may be my step-daughter.. and by then I feel it will be too late to voice opinions!
for now... I just have to breath...

Kristi - posted on 01/24/2013

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Trish--

If he is allowing his own daughter to behave this way and sees nothing wrong with it is very sad and imo, morally repugnant. It concerns me that if he has that little respect for her, how does he treat you and your daughter? I'll tell you this right now, even though we're separated and live in different states, if I allowed my daughter to behave like this and to be treated like this, her step dad would come out here and remove every communication device, cd, iPod, whatever and he would put her into a new school and counseling. Next, he would go kick the shit out of that boyfriend and make it very clear he was never to come around again. My point is, Dad's need to look out for and protect their daughters, whether the girl thinks it's fair or not.

I think you need to have a major sit down and discuss your ideas of appropriate teenage behavior and appropriate parental behavior. If necessary, add in partner behavior. If you guys can't get on the same page and he doesn't start holding his daughter accountable, I'd give them their walking papers...not at all an easy task. But it doesn't sound like the two of you are in the safest environment, either. 13 can be a very influential age. It can take only one person with the right charisma to lead a kid in one direction or another. That's not to say it will happen to your daughter or that it happens all the time but it's hard to undo.

I'm very sorry for your struggles. You are in a rotten position just remember, your daughter IS the innocent one in all of this. She shouldn't end up being the one who has to sacrifice or to BE sacrificed. Thoughts and prayers are with you. Good luck.

Annmarie - posted on 01/24/2013

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Your not in an easy position....you need to sit and talk to your boyfriend and explain how you feel, easier said than done. But if you don't get him on your side your fighting a losing battle as daddy's always gona be the good guy and your the one who's causing trouble. I took my daughter phone and anything that had acces to Internet . Don't fight with your boyfriend she will just be loving that. Talk to him and talk to your daughter and make sure she's ok, not nice for her to watch what's going on.
Hope your ok

Trish - posted on 01/24/2013

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My boyfriends 15 year old daughter got her first cell phone from her mother at 8 years old - I don't approve, since then she has had over 40 phones, as she is obsessed with them!
she is so clued up on sex, it's not funny, been allowed to date since she was 12 and I am pretty sure she is sleeping with her awful tattoo gothic boyfriend now.. the worst part is that he says and does nothing! her profile on her phone is always something sorded about "rape is good" and listening to songs "ffff me like you hate me"... I mean what the hell???? I would have take her phone away long ago, but he says that wouldn't be fair to her...???
So we fight, as I find it unhealthy and I am worried her awful, common, rude, sorded sex talk, music and influence will effect my innocent 13 year daughter!
Between a rock and a hard place!
Advice?

Trish - posted on 01/24/2013

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My boyfriends 15 year old daughter got her first cell phone from her mother at 8 years old - I don't approve, since then she has had over 40 phones, as she is obsessed with them!
she is so clued up on sex, it's not funny, been allowed to date since she was 12 and I am pretty sure she is sleeping with her awful tattoo gothic boyfriend now.. the worst part is that he says and does nothing! her profile on her phone is always something sorded about "rape is good" and listening to songs "ffff me like you hate me"... I mean what the hell???? I would have take her phone away long ago, but he says that wouldn't be fair to her...???
So we fight, as I find it unhealthy and I am worried her awful, common, rude, sorded sex talk, music and influence will effect my innocent 13 year daughter!
Between a rock and a hard place!
Advice?

Katy - posted on 01/23/2013

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You should talk to her, she might not understand what she is getting herself into and dont worry its ok to cry

Annmarie - posted on 01/21/2013

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Well I appreciate what your saying, but my daughter hasn't had sex already. When she comes home from school at 4pm she doesn't go out at night, at weekend her friends stay over or she's trays with her friend who's mum is my friend and has same rules as me. She's never unsupervised and alone, if she goes up the town with friend one of the mums is there. I don't know how she would find time to fit it in. There is hope as my daughter has made a complete turn around in her life. We now focus on positives rather than negatives, and praise when it is needed. You can't make a child suffer for rest of there life for a mistake, you have to move on in life .

Kristi - posted on 01/21/2013

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Ana--

I think you have some great suggestions! But a lot of girls know much more than they are willing to do, especially at 13 and a girl that is just seeking out attention. That's not to totally rule out what you are saying but just giving another point of view, have a friend with a daughter than kind of operates the same way but is still a virgin and has an 8pm curfew. Plus, they (parents) are friends with all her friends parents parents so they all work together to keep an eye on the kids.

Sandy - posted on 01/19/2013

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its crazy..idk if she is just playing me or not but her father and i just set really strict rules for her to follow one was her makeup..all of it had to go..she said ok..repeated all the rules to us and then put all of the makeup in the trash outside..cleaned her room and did chores..idk if she is just messing with us but it almost seems like she was happy to get the list of rules..thanks for the advice..i hope this goes well..i love her so much

Sandy - posted on 01/19/2013

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i know how everyone feels..i feel awful..my 14 yr old is really messing up and i dont know what to do anymore..i have 3 girls 10 12 14..my husband is here but he was electricuted at work 3 yrs ago..we have councling services in the home and a lot of help..but..her computer broke and one morning she took mine..i caught her before she hada chance to shut down facebook..since then i found out that she is sexting her boyfriend..trying to get more boyfriends..crying rape to make the boyfriend come to her rescue..telling everyone she has a stalker for a mom and that i am a ---..she said she wasnt a vergin anymore and that she smokes pot and drinks...she got mad at the boyfriend one night cause he wasnt answering her so she told him she was playing with herself..he got mad because a friend was in the room so she said sorry it was her mom doing that and that i was trying to break them up..she use to be clean and neat in apperance..now she doesnt bath at all (the last 3 weeks)..she doesnt eat at all that i see but after she goes to school i find no less that 10 items half eaten under her bed..she wont do any chores or anything else if it doesnt benefit her...when confronted aboutthis stuff she denies it all..even with her facebook page in front of me..i thought i fixed the facebook with the computer being broke and hiding our phones but we now have to sleep with them under the pillow because she is finding them everywhere and texting topless pic to boyfriend and sneeking out to see him at 2am..he is 14 as well..i want to talk to his father to make sure he knows whats going on but i havent been able to reach him all week..i really am lost..i started preparing all 3 og my girls young for everything i feel like she didnt hear anything

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honey, you are a VERY GOOD mother, she should not have done that in the first place.
i know someday she will probably have her decision of when she is ready, but you did the right thing. all you were trying to do was protect her, also, make sure to report the men who were talking to her about that stuff

Kristi - posted on 01/07/2013

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That's wonderful news, Annemarie and makes perfect sense. Great job! I'm sure your daughter actually feels much better now, too. You definitely still need to keep an eye on her when she does get her privileges back but you are on the right track! I'm so glad to hear you are reaching out for extra support. I really, really believe you're going to be ok and I think your bond with your daughter will be even stronger.

Annmarie - posted on 01/07/2013

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Well good luck for tonight, and please let me know how you get on. After the response I got from my posts I sat my daughter down and actually listened to her. No screaming no shouting just listened......she told me why she done it. My daughter was bullied for 3 years, because she was always top of the class , because she has red hair, because she has braces, always being told she was ugly and buck teeth and ginger, I always told her she was beautiful and to ignore them. I even went to the school and had to get the bully's mother charged with police as she turned at my door 10 pm at night shouting and swearing , calling my daughter a ginger loser.
So the answer was......she enjoyed attention being called beautiful and smart and sexy by the boys in her class. It doesn't excuse what she replyd to the boys , but after what has been said today at school the boy has been at the Facebook sex texts for quite some time now and is well known. I am going to see the headmaster tomorrow and pupil support. And I am going to help my daughter get back on track, and get her confidence up. She's still grounded and lost her phone etc, but I am more focused now, I've shed tears , banged doors and got all m anger out. Now am going to help my daughter.

I can't thank yous all enough for your responses , it's lifted my spirits to know I am not alone and there's always someone who has been through the same and is there to help. Xx

Kristi - posted on 01/06/2013

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I know this might sound harsh but, this is not about you or what people may or may not think about your parenting skills. Your daughter needs help and you need to get it for her. If you don't want to talk to her school counselor, find a professional counselor who specializes in teens. There are many places that offer a sliding scale if you don't have insurance. If you have a YWCA that is a good place to start. Does she have an aunt or an older cousin that she looks up to and listens to? I know my daughter will take the word of my sister over mine because she is cooler than I am. You need to reach out to whoever you think may be able to help your daughter. People who know you will know you are doing your best. Those that don't will still know, you don't get an honors student by luck and you don't get a girl with social skills unless she's been taught. Once again though, it is not about how people preceive you. Bad mothers don't reach out to get help either.

You do need to keep yourself healthy. I know how stressful this must be. Try crackers or soup, anything light that you can manage. Keep hydrated...that is an absolute must. Just keep a water bottle with you and try to sip on it as much as possible throughout the day. Try a warm bath and some soothing music to help relax you before bed time. Sometimes turning a fan on low provides "white noise," it helps you sleep. Try taking Melatonin, it's a natural sleep aid you can get at any drug store.

You need to act on this. Once you do you'll start feeling better. If you give up before you even try because you're too embarrassed about what others might think, you'll never forgive yourself if something worse happens to your daughter. You can do this Annmarie.

Annmarie - posted on 01/05/2013

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I've explained the dangers even went on Internet and showed her the dangers, the story of men pretending to be young boys, it's like I can't get through to her, I have been awake for 24 hours now, can't eat or sleep. When I ask why she says I don't know....she was bullied for 3 years and had to move school but she made new friends and teachers can't praise her enough, then when she comes home it's like a different person. Am can't talk to no one as I don't want them to judge me as if I'm a bad mother. I'm doing my best I tell her I love her everyday and praise her for doing good things. I just love my daughter and want to do the right thing just don't know what. I've deleted her Facebook page.

Kristi - posted on 01/05/2013

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Annmarie--

You are not the worst mother in the world. I don't blame for crying, I think any mom would.

Did you talk to her about why she felt the need to say and post such things? There might be a reason she is acting out this way. Do you know if she has followed through with any of her "promises?"

Taking away her phone and iPad is a great start. I would definitely shut down her FB page, if you haven't already. As a parent, I monitor my 13 y/o daughter's FB page, too and when I found a girl posting pics of herself smoking pot and simulating giving oral sex and other very inappropriate things, I asked my daughter about her. She told me who she was and what her story was. I deleted her from my daughter's page and went to her school and showed the school counselor because I felt like this girl needed help.

Your daughter is obviously seeking attention from these guys for some reason. As Evelyn said, there are long term consequences she's not thinking about and she needs to have them driven home before it is too late.

Aside from the legal and employment ramifications, it is highly likely she will be the target of bullying and severe harassment. She will not be respected by guys or girls. If she does partake in this high risk behavior she is at risk for STD's, teen pregnancy, etc. Generally, one high risk behavior leads to another, especially if he/she is being persecuted by others already.

You might want to Google cases of kids who committed suicide after being bullied, look up statistics on rape, teen pregnancies, teens who end up with std's, etc and show them to her. Or take her to the gyno and have them fill her in on all those stats and if need be put her on the pill. I would also look up the laws in your state about sexting, in some places sending naked photos is a felony.

Annmarie, you are not the first parent with a daughter who is involved with this and you won't be the last. The important thing is that now that you know you are seeking help and you are taking steps to get your daughter back on the right track. It's not going to happen over night and you might have seek out multiple resources but don't give up. She's only 13, there's plenty of time to help her. Thoughts and prayers.

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