My husband (kids Stepfather) fondled my daughter! Help

Tandjhamburg - posted on 11/16/2014 ( 5 moms have responded )

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Background; I am a working Mom of three. I was married for 14 years. That husband left me for a 25 year old. Then I remarried and have been married for 4 years, together 5.

On Sept 7th, my 17 year old daughter called me at work (I work nights) to tell me that her 13 year old sister came into the room tearful that her Stepdad had tried to touch her. He was under the influence of Ambien and when he became semi coherent, i guess he took off in the car and was in a horrific accident. He was lifelined and was on life support. When he did wake up, he denied this at first but then admitted he vaguely recalled trying to touch her. He had started Ambien in May when he was having some issues with depression and insomnia. My daughter says he never tried this before this Summer. She said she awakened to him attempting to fondle her a few times and once he actually touched her genitals briefly. I do not want to sound like I am downplaying this, but I am so confused.

I did not allow him home from the hospital with me. he went to stay with his parents 100 miles away. He has in the past two months began attending Church and says he is saved and he voices his deep apology. He wrote the kids a letter apologizing as well. He is asking for Christian counseling if I will go and to eventually include the kids in the counseling. I know most people would say he should be hung.

I have prayed daily and have been seeking Jesus's guidance. i have read scriptures and this one stuck out: Colossians 3:13 Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. (NIV). I believe I have forgiven him and some may think I am crazy to even think of going to counseling with him.

Do people ever deserve a second chance in life? Can people really change? Why do people quickly judge and turn on people who are child molestors or have began down that path instead of getting them help? If I do counseling, and if the kids agree to go eventually, it would be up to them if he is ever allowed home.

For those of you who have been abused as a child and rush to say how you feel, i also was sexually abused as a child and actually wish my Mom had stayed with my Dad and supported him in getting help, at least tried, while keeping him at a distance. I am certain he went on to abuse others.
Please do not spare my feelings. i would like to know what other mothers think.

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Mary - posted on 11/17/2014

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Report him to the police and apologize to your daughters for continuing to place them in a situation where you are still not putting their best interests first despite their having come to you for safekeeping. You are allowing him to make excuses for sexually abusing your poor daughter. Your mother was right to leave your father in order to protect you and it's very troubling that you would fault her, not him, for his continued preying on the vulnerable. I recommend that you go to counseling to address whatever unresolved issues you have from your childhood that would prompt you to even consider placing your kids back into an extremely dangerous situation. Or, if you insist on continuing this sick relationship, make sure your kids are moved to a safe home before he returns. You owe it to them.

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Leslie - posted on 07/22/2016

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Hi there, you said not to spare your feelings. You are making excuses! He took ambien, he's never done this, he's seeing a pastor, he's asking for counseling. You know him 5 years, you gave birth to these children. He's replaceable your children are not. Forgive the man, but he doesn't need to be in your children's life. Respect your daughter as your mother respected you when you were a child abused by your father. You don't know if your husband has a history because you don't know him quite well. For all you know he thought he was grooming her and that she wouldn't tell. Place more value into your child's life. She's forever altered because of this experience. That sucks for her. IF I were her I would be totally upset with you trying to reconcile with him. I would feel you want a relationship more with him rather her. You are confused and you should speak to a professional. I don't agree with clergy being counselors. You have feelings for a man that has caused harm to your child and given the chance possibly could again. That's not worth it in my book.

Tandjhamburg - posted on 07/19/2016

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He was turned into the proper authorities and CPS. The prosecutor did not prosecute because what he did was considered fondling. A no contact order with my daughter I put in place has been obeyed for almost 2 years. He has continued to go to church, counseling and a recovery program. He is no longer on Ambien and still wants to reconcile our family. I have not placed my daughters at risk. I am not choosing him over them. I believe he was headed down a wrong path that ANY of us who are tempted by the devil could go down. He has got himself straight. I still care for him very much. What should I do now?

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 11/21/2014

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The "Ambien" defense is a crock of shit. Your husband attempted NOT ONCE but SEVERAL TIMES to abuse your daughter.

Forgive all you want, for forgiveness is what we are taught, but DO NOT ALLOW him back into close contact with those kids. HE IS A PEDOPHILE. The only reason he was 'caught' is because (Thank God) your younger daughter finally realized that his attempts were gross and wrong, and told her sister.

By all means, encourage him to get help, but DO NOT continue to expose your children to him in any way at all. If you cannot come to terms with that because of the 'for better/worse' clause in your marriage...expect your daughters to eventually cut off all contact with you, because you placed him before them.

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