Sharon - posted on 04/17/2010 ( 25 moms have responded )
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What would you do if your son has slowly been on a downward spiral as far as school goes? My son is in his senior year of high school and has failed 2 of his classes that he needs to graduate. Luckily there is one more quarter left to make these classes up. I know he has experimented with alcohol and pot too. Although I think the pot smoking is a regular thing he is doing now.
It took all I had to get him to fill out his application for college. When he finally did finish it, the due dates for the 2 schools he was considering passed. There is always community college if he still wants to go to college. I am fine if he doesn't go right away but I do need to get him away from the friends he has been hanging out with....If he doesn't go to school he will have to find a full time job and pay rent to live at home.
Should I push him to go to college or is this a phase kids go through when ending high school and entering the unknown. My son has been focused on what he wanted to do after school since the 8th grade and now he doesn't know what he wants... I am totally frustrated because I want the best for him as we all do for our kids.
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Frances - posted on 03/16/2011
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My problem is with a 21 year old son, who it was a struggle to get through high school, he was an athlete, so had to keep his grades up in order to play sports, but just did the bare minimum needed to be able to play, As a single parent, and working at a University, have explained since a youngster the importance of a college education, and he understood it, and wanted to leave home and go away to college so I figured ut financially how to do that. After 2 years away at various schools in the area, come to find out he hasn't been attending classes, racked up financial aid bills, lied and lied about everything, and now has to move home and work and pay off financial aid before he can even go back to school. He is so depressed considering suicide, so have him in counseling for that, blames me for forcing him to go to college, but what else is there, I don't know, as a single parent, I ruined him I guess. Now supporting a near 22 year old man that is unmotivated to find work, can't find work anyway apparently and can't go to school, don't know what to do, hate to send him out to live in his car on the street,a car a bought for him, but don't know what else to do!
Penny - posted on 03/18/2011
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I am having the same problems but I am not particularly glad to hear about others having it also. I already know the school system is failing our sons. Whatever happens I have decided not to blame myself. Luckily my son is a wonderful person who may or not find his way in life but I have given him all the tools he needs and I don't plan to finance his failure in post secondary. I told him - don't waste you time and my money if you don't want to get a college education. I also don't want a 25 year old living in my basement. Life is hard and there is no manual. I was hoping to find some suggestions here but it just seems like everyone has the same problems. Just lay the ground rules - don't let them abuse you or use you and keep on loving them... keep the lines of communication open at all times... wait.. who the heck am I to give advise ? oh welll.. tomorrow's another day :)
Deidre - posted on 04/19/2010
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Hi Sharon
My son hasn't quite gone down some of the same paths that your son has, but has had his share of issues with school and authority. Last year we decided to take our hands off and just put things back on him with his schooling and life decisions and have basically said we love you, but the choices you make will affect the direction your life will take and the friends that you hang with will also determine that. Bad company corrupts good character. At the end of the day, there are certain boundaries that we have put in place in our home and they are non-negotiable, as we have 3 younger siblings to consider also, but other choices that he makes will affect him and his future. After attending a parenting course for teens, we decided that we would take our hands off and try to only give advice and "our opinion" when asked for as he is now 18 years old and needs to start making choices and decisions for himself. This can be very difficult when you see them making poor choices, but in the end things have started to work out for him and I hope it will be the same for you. For our family having great mentors (who weren't their parents) for our kids has also helped and they have been involved in a very good Youth Group which has helped heaps when they go through stuff in life that they may not want to talk to Mum and Dad about. Our son was very worried about whether he would get his Level 3 and be able to get the credits he needed to go forward with his education after mucking around for a large majority of his final year, not handing things in and missing far too much school for our liking. Thankfully once we took our hands off and put things back on him, he started to take responsibility and stepped up. He only just passed his Level 3, but had enough credits to get into the area he was looking at studying in. It is now over to him to motivate himself if he wants to succeed in his chosen career. I know that we think that education is so important, but kids can get out and work for a while and figure out what they want to do, before studying further. Sometimes I think it's us as parents that are more worried about them working out their careers and achieving than they are and placing our priorities on them. My advice is to try to take your hands off a little and let him decide where he's heading and just make sure he knows that you love him heaps!!
Terri - posted on 04/19/2010
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First all, if your son is smoking pot, what are you doing about it? I had no tollence for drugs, and I meant it, it was not negotiable. Does your son have a vehicle? Take it away. Does your son have a cell phone? Take it away. How does he buy the pot? with money that you give him? It's serious business. Kids are exposed to Meth, Pot, Cocaine, prescription drugs, such as oxy, and they think they are invinsible. Find out why he feels like he needs to medicate. Maybe, he is feeling pressured into something he does not want to do. But your number one goal is to stop the drugs. If you think he is doing pot, he is prob, doing way more. Talk to him and ask him what he wants to do. Help him put together a plan of what it is he wants. Listen to your child. Make a drug test manditory. You can buy at the local pharmacy. Stop the drug use, and everything else will fall in place.
Suzan - posted on 04/18/2010
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Well as hard as it sounds, you need to let him see the consequences of his attitude. Teenagers have a need to prove their own theories, so in short side questions (rather than long lecture) invite dscussion about what he would like to do with his life, how he plans to get to where he would like to go, what can he do now about creating his own future. Look for teachable (not nagging) moments.
At one stage my son found talking with me difficult, so I became a facebook and an IM buddy, and I took him for long drives. Thankfully my sense of direction is hopeless and we would end up getting lost. but it was on these journeys with nobody else around, he was able to open up and let me know how life was going, ask any wuestions. etc... i also noticedd the older people he would relate to and made sur he had time to spend with those I thought most appropriate.... ie had a good effect on his morale.
It is difficultto be a teenager.
In the end, I had to let him fail all of year eleven before he came to an understanding of his theory of just doing enough was not taking into account how much enough was. One day I asked my son what he wanted to do and his reply was to be an electrician...so I sent him to a trade school...and he isnow an apprentice electrician and not looking back.
Good luchk