My son wants contact with his father

Julia - posted on 06/22/2013 ( 14 moms have responded )

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I have a 14 y.o. son, who wants to have contact with his father who is in prison. His father has been in prison for a little over 14 years so my son has never methim. He is in there because he murdered two women. I am afraid he will effect my already badly behaved son if he begins talking with him. Any advice?

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Lakota - posted on 06/24/2013

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This sick Mary person has posted on other posts by Julia. She has posted mean, ignorant comments. I have enjoyed reporting her and you all should also flag her posts. Maybe she will go away.

Kristi - posted on 06/23/2013

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I'm not sure I'm entirely on board with you on this one Evelyn. A 2 time murderer? I've got to admit, I'd have some pretty overwhelming anti-breath-near-my-son-issues....but as a 42 year old mother who has never met her birth father and still wants to after all these years (but has had a wonderful father adopted when I was 6mo old), I can understand why a child would want to meet his father.

I guess I would want to talk to prison officials about his father's behaviors and attitude since he's been locked up. Is he still a complete animal or can he control himself and behave like an adult should when interacting with a teenager and the mother of his child.

I also share your questions, Evelyn...about the boy's poor behavior. A few more details might help us provide better advice. What does your son know about his father being in prison? Does your son have any positive, male role models in his life? What is "badly behaved?" Is it possible you could use the potential visitation with his father as a reward for better behavior? Explain to your son that he is on a bad path and you don't want him exposed to someone who will help him stay on that path. If he can show you he can make good decisions between right and wrong (for example), you'll feel more comfortable letting him meet his father, knowing that his possible bad influences won't rub off on your son.

I do think, when push comes to shove, you'll want to have provided at least one opportunity for them to meet. Otherwise, your son will (unjustly, imo) blame you for him not having a father. He will likely resent you for it. Who knows, he might already be having issues like that now, which may be part of the reason he is acting out.

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Julia - posted on 06/24/2013

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Kristi, thank you so much for all your advice. I'm going to try counseling with him and see how its going to work.
Mary, I'm sure there are good children in both USA and China. I don't think jail is a good place for my son to be. I am aware of what three x means but its a part of his name.

Kristi - posted on 06/23/2013

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Julia--that was brave of you to share. I totally agree with Evelyn about counseling and there are many free or sliding scale services out there if you look if you don't have any form of insurance. Counseling is hard work and it takes dedication and effort but it can really make an impact and don't be afraid to switch counselors if after a fair try you aren't clicking.

One program you might think about joining, at least for your younger two, is Big Brothers/Big Sisters. Getting them involved with a mentor and a positive role model now might help prevent some of the problems you're having with Jaylon. A friend of mine, who has 8 kids, zero fathers involved, got 2 of her sons involved in the program and it really made a big difference for them.

As for your son meeting with his father, that is really tough, at this point knowing he is still violent and acting out in prison. I might suggest talking to them in more detail about how the possibility of meeting his son might modify HIS behavior and possibly set him up with some counseling as a condition of that possibilty. Maybe based on what changes in behavior they both make and then what the prison psychologist has to say, you could set up a visitation, that you, of course, would be present for.

In the meantime, I would seek advice from a professional on whether or not you should tell him what his father is down for. If he knows the truth, it might help him understand why you've been so adament about not letting him meet his dad. I'm not sure if you mentioned how old Jaylon is but maybe he needs to know now. If you do decide to tell him, my advice would be to have the newspaper article or some proof of that is why he's in prison because your son might not want to believe the truth. Again, I would seek professional advice before deciding what to do.

Julia - posted on 06/23/2013

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I have made a lot of mistakes with my son. I was 17 when I had him and all I wanted to do was take drugs, party and have fun. I then had my second child with a new man, with her I was only 18. I had my third child with another man when I was 21. I have always been a single mom for all my children so it has been hard to pay the bills with 3 children. I was in an abusive relationship for 3 years. The guy would call me a bitch, slut, whore ect. and he would hit me infront of my children. I know it all effected Jaylon Jaxxxon (my oldest child) a lot. I think he looked up to the guy and how he acted towards people...

Julia - posted on 06/23/2013

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I haven't told my son the reason his father is in prison, I've just said he has done some things he shouldn't have. My son drinks, smokes, fights and takes drugs. He has even been expelled from 7 schools in total so currently he is not attending any school. I'm afraid that if he meets his father he might be encouraged to cuntinue this behavior. I have 2 other children (13 and 10 years old) with 2 other men and they both have met their father before so I think my oldest son is jealous of them, which I understand completely.

I have talked with the prison officials and they have told me that he is a troubled and violent inmate. But I don't know if he would change his personality if he met his son too. He has 9 other kids and only 2 of them have met him before, but they were in their 20s when they did.

I do believe my son already has a little bit of resentment towards me. He doesn't really respect me or anyone else. Its like he is mad at the whole world...

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