My teenage daughter changed what seems overnight.

Jude - posted on 10/20/2016 ( 2 moms have responded )

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Hi everyone, my teenage daughter is 14, she's always been quite keen on her personal space but she use to be loving, kind hearted and respectful to others. My heart is breaking as I feel I don't know the young girl standing in front of me anymore. She never leaves her room, scream and bark insults to not only myself but her father and siblings. She's an A* student who's recently completed her Duke of Edinburgh Bronze award, captain of her Netball, Hockey, Softball and Athletic team and a prefect at school and I am immensely proud of her for always striving to achieve at the highest level but she is changing before my eyes. A couple of weeks ago she went to her first "party" and she lied to me about the nature of the event and supervision. When picking her up at midnight she couldn't stand on her feet for being drunk and I spent the night in front of the toilet, in the bath and eventually in bed with her for I was petrified she may choke on her vomit. I'm not naive and understand teenagers experiment, wasn't angry just disappointed and hurt. Spoke to her as an adult and explained that it's not acceptable behaviour at 14. Since then I feel as if she hates me, we don't speak at all. When she returns from school she simply goes up to her room without even acknowledging me. She received snapchats at all hours from not only friends but boys (I didn't invade her privacy) - seen her phone and the messages coming through when she was intoxicated, wanted to read them but I didn't want to loose her trust - which it seems I have already for some reason.

This is the first time I've ever appealed to a forum online or anywhere for that matter but I am worried, sad and I simply don't know how to approach this. I have a 16 year old daughter as well who yes had her teenage phase but nothing like this, she talked to me and we could always find a solution to every dark cloud.

If anyone has advice please share with me, I can't bear losing her to the anger which is inside of her at present. She hates the world and everyone in it!

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Lydian - posted on 10/28/2016

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I have to agree with Hope’s message above about intervening and reminding her about right behavior’s in your household. Keep in mind that the younger daughter’s high achievements can be the root stress of all her need to be private, get drunk and run the gamut of rebellious, underworld teenager activities. Certainly, her pride is hurt because she got caught in a lie, as well as being wrapped around the toilet in front of you. Or maybe there’s something else going on that you can hopefully get her to talk about in time.

Here’s where to step in: You are the parent, while she’s living at home she must be honest, polite, and regain her respect and trust in your eyes. Your trust is now broken because she lied. Accountability means putting logical consequences in place. Not only that, all that privacy can be solved by taking her phone away or for a season until she learns to be more respectful towards herself and her family. I say this, because teenagers are a fickle bunch who test the territory beyond their home. If there are no consequences for broken boundaries, the odds are it won’t just be alcohol but something far worse. One of the best books on the market is called: Children the challenge by Rudolf Dreikurs that can give you some keys in this problem. Check out the book reviews here: https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/2430...

Hope - posted on 10/24/2016

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Sounds like it's time for an intervention. You and your older daughter need to sit little 14 year old miss down and lay down the law. If she wants her privacy and wants to be moody, ok, whatever, she's 14. To be expected. But getting drunk at a party? Snapchats? No way. I would have taken her phone for at least a week after the party incident. And you have every right to inspect the contents of her phone (although, I suggest you do it when she isn't in the room).

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