my teenager does not like me and voices it often, how do i handle this?

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

SOPHY - posted on 12/13/2013

1

0

0

My 16yr old teenager hates me, said that I've already lost him, he would preferred for me to move out of the house, he's a happier person when I'm not around. He makes me feels so bad, unwanted, heart broken that I have been thinking more & more about killing myself to end my constant heartbreak. The only one that's keeping me alive is my 12yr old boy, but till when?
Please help, I'm at a dead end & loosing hope .
Desperate mum.

Toni - posted on 06/05/2009

149

34

15

I am sorry, but I have been reading some of the responses to your question and I am astounded. When did we stop being the parents? When did we start allowing our children to disrespect us? When did it become okay for a child to tell her/his parents they hate them? I mean come on, what the heck is going on here? We have children who are not only disrespecting us, but other adults in their lives. Were do we draw the line? I mean, "what you said is hurtful, but I still love you"??? What???? How about, "Who in the hell do you think you are talking to?" I am the mother, you do not have to like me, I am not so insecure that I care whether or not you like me. But you will respect me, my house and my rules...PERIOD. If you don't then expect punishment, have you parents never heard of accountability??? If we don't teach our children that they are accountable for their actions, then who will? There are boundaries in life, at work, driving, everything. We have to set boundaries and stick to them. I am not trying to offend anyone, but I am really concerned that we are letting our teenagers get away with too much. I know growing up I sure didn't. So these were my thoughts, whether you agree or disagree this is just my thoughts.

Roberta - posted on 06/03/2009

7

24

0

I feel for you as I have 17 year old, almost 18, fraternal twin girls who tell me that all the time and what a bad mother I was as well. I try not to feed into their drama but again I am only human. I found that there is always something else doing on in their lives and they feel that it is better to yell at you then to who they are really mad at. All I can suggest is to continue to let them know that you love them and are always there to talk when they are ready. But one thing that I have found is DO NOT, under any circumstances, let them treat you like their doormat. You are their mother but you do deserve respect in the end. If it gets too bad then ask them qestions like: If you hate me so much then do you still want to live with me?? or What makes you feel this way?? If you turn it on them to answer the hard questions you may find that they don't have the right answers. I wish you the best of luck and we need to be here for each other when times are rough.

Cheryl - posted on 06/03/2009

29

1

2

Of course she doens'nt like you, mine doesn't like me either. But using discipline and guidance is essential for them to grow to be good adults with excellent values.

If you do not provide discipline they will grow up feeling insecure and in turn will be passed onto their children....Your teenage LOVES you but doesn't like you. It is better to be parent than a friend as I have seen many mothers try to do this and it just doesn't work. They need PARENTS, Boundaries set and DISCIPLINE RESULTING IN SECURITY AND SELF-DISCIPLINE.

Mechelle - posted on 06/10/2009

3

19

0

Our rule in our house is that each person is treated with respect, and if that does not happen, there is a painful consequence like missing an event (our son had to miss his bowling match due to his attitude), loosing his car/phone, etc. What I have been discovering is that my teen treats me that way I allow him to treat me. If I set standards of respect and my expectations are that I am respected by him, I feel empowered when he disrespect me to impose an conseqence that signals to him that what he has done is completely inappropriate and WRONG! We are to the point and I think our boy is finally starting to get it...we will take EVERTHING that matters to him away if he cannot show respect or value others in our household. This has been a change for us becasue we also used to buy into the idea that this rebellion and disrepectfulness was just a phase....teens in other parts of the would don't go through this phase that our teens here do (or at least no on such a huge volume or severity). Teenage years are tough , but what I have learned is that we must still expect our children to respect and value each memeber of our family. If not, they are in control of how the home runs, and that is opposite of the way it should be. Kevin Lehmans book "New kid by Friday" has been very helpful to us...Im' sure there are other resources too. I encourage you to have HIGH expectations of your teen and their behavior, set a consequence (a painful one!), and stick to what you say.

14 Comments

View replies by

Candace - posted on 05/18/2013

1

0

0

You must be the 13 year old who hates his/her mom! Come back when you're a parent.

Hope - posted on 06/10/2009

2

5

0

My 14 yr old daughter hates me too, because I'm not giving in to her every desire. I keep telling her that I love her enough to let her hate me for a while. Sure, I would love to be her friend, but as a parent that's not my job. It's hard and I am in no way perfect (just ask my daughter...lol)



Also, there's an interesing article in this month's Family Circle on dealing with a teenager's moods.

Karen - posted on 06/09/2009

6

24

1

I have a 12 year old daughter who tells me she hates me sometimes. What I have learned is that she really doesn't hate me but it has more to do with her inability to express what she really is feeling. Kids this age have a hard time understanding what they are truly feeling and don't understand how to deal with the many emotions they are feeling. I have learned that when she tells me she hates me she really means that she is angry with me and feels like I don't understand what she is going through. Since she is my youngest (I have a 14 year old son and a 22 year old daughter) so I have a some past experiences to draw on. Although Kylie Ann is the only one who has ever told me she hated me. I look at this way. At least she is communicating albeit not the choice of words I would like to hear. I do know she just needs a little guidance in learning how to sort through what she is truly feeling. I have told her that telling me she hates me is not acceptable. She can tell me she is mad at me, she needs some space and I usually tell her okay, she can have 30 to 45 minutes and then we need to readdress the subject. This has helped us a great deal. I hope it helps you with your teen also. They just need love and respect. Growing up today is so different from when we were teenagers. The world is changing all around us and sometimes they just need to know for sure we are in control. Teens want boundaries. No matter how much they protest. That is what makes them feel secure.

Fleeta - posted on 06/09/2009

3

30

0

maybe u need to get him some counseling!i was having the same problem too for a while!i just think that is disrepctful to say that to ur parents!do u ever ask him why he says that?u have to have lots of patience with teenagersmy son is 14 teen going into high school!

Melanie - posted on 06/04/2009

7

4

0

we were all teenagers not too long ago and its important to remember that communication wasnt what we majored in. sometimes to find out the answers to our questions we have to pull our emotions out of it and actually listen to what they are saying. you may want to ask probing questions like, "why do you hate me?" or"what did I do to make you feel that way" its not going to be easy to hear the answers but just listening is taking some of the barriers down. it is most important to keep you tone soothing or calm. if you start yelling in defence mode you are going to throw the barriers back up again. its not that our teens dont like us its that they dont like our discipline and they have a hard time communicating what exactly the feeling is. they could just be having a bad day. hope this helps and i am open to more questions if you have any.

Anissa - posted on 06/03/2009

10

15

0

Hi Maribel,

You are her safe spot. When she is upset about something in the teen world...ie. a friend said something to hurt her, a boy did something dumb, didn't do well on an assignment or exam...feels like she failed at something, she will take it out on her parents. She feels bad so she makes someone else feel the same way. It is a natural response to take it out on the parents because no matter what you do or say to your parents they will forgive you and love you. Our kids know we will never turn our backs on them like friends do on a daily basis. Teens (kids) have so much on their plates these days, I don't think as parents we really prepare them to deal with all the emotional struggles they will encounter with their peers. I know with my kids I've always protected them and sheltered them in a way so they wouldn't get hurt. Then they reached the public school system and were hurt everyday. I had to change how I reacted to their hurt and prepare them to deal with their peers and other dissapointments in life. Being honest with them about everything (age appropriate) was my first, and best step. Letting them see that my friends hurt me too and I'm still ok helped them understand everyone is human and makes mistakes. Yes, also letting them see I'm not perfect and my words and actions sometimes hurt people as well. But at the end of the day everyone survived and maintained friendships. I hope this makes some kind of sense to you. Feel like I'm babbling here. lol

Remember she doesn't always mean what she says, and she does love you. The hardest part of this Mom job is remembering we are the parent and not the friend, she has lots of friends but only one Mom. A Mom is what she needs more than anything.



We always hurt the ones we love....it's safe and they will always love us so it is easier to take our hard times out on them....besides they have the warmest hearts and biggest hugs!



Hang in there Maribel! All Mom's here experience alot of the same things and can help us get through any rough patches!



Whenever my teens are upset at me and voicing it, I let them vent, in the meantime I am picturing those sweet little toddlers that use to come home and throw those little arms around my neck and all was right with the world. By the end of the conversation that toddler is back...with longer arms.

Dawn - posted on 06/03/2009

6

4

0

I have found that my daughter does not "say" it however she writes it. On the off chance that we are arguing and she says something hurtful- I tell her that what was said is not acceptable or as others have already suggested I tell her that I still love her no matter what she says ( ie. I hate you!). Hope that this helps

Janice - posted on 06/02/2009

6

14

0

My 16 year old has told me she hates me,and it does hurt at first.But then I realized that she is going through so many changes in her life,and she really doesn't mean it.She apologizes most of the time,and if she doesn't,well,I know it will change.I just try and be calm(although that doesn't always happen).I used to tell my dad I hated him all the time when I was a teen.And we are pretty close,now(20 years later).Don't take it personally.That's hard to do,but you eventually learn to do it on a regular basis.

Suzanne - posted on 05/27/2009

14

0

5

Teenagers don't seem to realize the bitterness of what they say. They will say what ever gets the right or any reaction. So i would say to you either don't react to it or react in a way tat he/she wouldn't expect....with love, tell them, 'well it hurts me that you say those things but i still love you' its honest, and it shows them that you have feelings too but you still love them. Often teenagers just want you to shout at them or react to have an argument. Its all about testing boundries. How old is your teeneager? They will grow out of it. Just be calm, talk quietly and then walk away. Your child may have some kind of comeback line as they wont expect your reaction, but just repeat yourself and again walk away. Don't be hooked in to their bate!

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms