My uncaring, entitled teenage daughter

Rachel - posted on 04/19/2014 ( 9 moms have responded )

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My daughter is 15 (16 in a few short weeks) and has a major attitude problem with me. I bend over backwards, do everything I can to make her happy and all I get is backtalk, treated like crap, and used. She will be nice when she wants something, and then after she gets it (material or whatever) she goes back to being disrespectful. The only person that she cares about is her boyfriend, who lacks the respect of our rules for our daughter. I think this is partially my fault - I've done so much for my daughter... supported her singing career, paid for everything. She gets new clothes, shoes when she needs them - she never goes without. She goes places with her friends and boyfriend (who is older than her; he's almost 18). We drive her where she wants to go, buy her clothes, makeup, whatever she needs. I however have been wearing the same clothes for years (10 at least). When I tell her no, she has a tantrum and gets rude with me, as if I OWE those things to her. She has an 11 year old brother, who she treats like garbage. She is only nice to him when she is bored or has nothing better to do, otherwise she treats him like crap, is rude to him,. yells at him. She tells me to stay out of her business, sorry but at 15 I should be in your business. She hurts my feelings all the time. She is lazy..the only time she will clean up is if I threaten to take something away from her or if she wants something. I allowed her to go to prom with her boyfriend. We paid for her gown, shoes, hair, makeup, jewelry, pedicure, and barely got a thank you. We are trying to be good parents and give our children more than what we had growing up, but she doesn't even appreciate it. She thinks we have money... we live pay check to paycheck. She thinks money comes easy, we tell her it doesn't. She always plays the defense on us, like we are attacking her or blaming her if we say anything. The only thing in this world that makes her happy is her boyfriend, and we can't stand him. He's not allowed at our house. She snuck out of our house and has already been sexually active with him, and her mood swings are unbearable. I am just ready to give up completely. I don't want to live in my own house anymore with her. I don't really want to be around her at all. I don't know what to do or where to go, I am trying to make it through the teen years. I find myself just wishing the years away so she can go and be on her own - and I feel so disgusted with myself for feeling that way, but I am tired of crying, tired of being made to feel unimportant and unloved - no matter what we do for her, it's never enough. All I know is I am never happy anymore, my mother's day was horrible, every holiday is horrible because of her. My husband and I have always been loving and caring and giving etc. She used to be a loving caring person to us, but now it is just for her boyfriend. I give up I don't know what to do anymore. Is anyone else going through this? My heart aches all the time. What do we do?
- sick of it all

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Jennie - posted on 04/23/2014

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I have 3 teenagers...2 boys (13 and 15) and a 14 year old step daughter. I get them the basics (clothes, shoes, etc) but if they want anything else...even if it's a cool t shirt or a different pair of shoes...they either work it off with extra chores or they have to earn the money on their own. If they backtalk me when I tell them this, they lose that opportunity to do chores and work it off with me. Then it becomes 100% their responsibility. This has worked well with them. I don't make a lot of money, my husband is unable to work due to medical conditions and they need to know that the world is not GIVEN to them and no one OWES them anything. Make her work for it...she'll appreciate the "stuff" more and it will help her understand the entire money concept so much better. After awhile, she might decide she didn't really want it after all and put the money she has raised towards something else that she actually needs.

I would also make her volunteer at a soup kitchen or a homeless shelter. Have her donate one of her Christmas presents (before she opens it) to a kid her age who won't get anything at all. If she throws a fit, donate it ALL. Let her sit down with you and help balance the checkbook so she can see how expensive everything is. And above all, if she freaks out and takes it out on you DO NOT GIVE IN!! I would also seriously consider counseling, too. Maybe someone else telling her that this is for HER own good will save you some of the grief later on. Oh, and dont' just threaten to take stuff away. Do it. Don't give it back until she can show remorse for what she has done and how she has made you feel.

By the way, I was that spoiled rotten teenage girl getting the brand new car (while my dad drove a 15 y/o piece of crap), a $1,000 prom dress every year for 4 years and so many designer shoes and clothes I could go 2 months without going near the laundry room. I really, really wish my mom would have not done that...I needed someone to talk to about my raging mood swings, not buy me things. I had to crash and burn big time when I was introduced to the real world.

Jennie - posted on 04/23/2014

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Apology accepted Ashley...not a problem :) But yes, all 3 are treated equally and fairly! I have had her since she was a year old. She's an amazing young woman. I don't really even need to enforce this with them at this point. But, I still make them volunteer at the soup kitchen and they all donate a Christmas present every year. It works well.

Jodi - posted on 04/19/2014

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"I bend over backwards, do everything I can to make her happy"

There is your problem right there. For some reason, parents seem to think their job is to do everything for their children, and it simply isn't. Your job is to raise capable adults. They are never going to be capable if you do everything for them.She needs to learn to EARN her privileges, not having them handed to her. Good parents expect their kids to contribute. Good parents know it isn't about giving their children more material things than they had. Loving and caring, yes, but giving, that is in a different category altogether.

It is time to say no and for her to experience some hardships (such as you not giving her everything all the time).

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 04/23/2014

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LOL...we all do it, Ashley! Have a great day and get back to your quiet time! :-)

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Shelly - posted on 10/10/2017

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Im exhausted and had a rotten night with my daughter. Im sick...tired and half asleep.
I also missed it :( and I am definitely one who surpasses standards on comprehension tests.
The whole thread is about lack of kindness. We have to model good behavior...such as being kind

Ashley - posted on 04/23/2014

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Yes, i realized that mistake as i was laying down my daughter. My apologies to Jennie. Hence why i deleted my comment. Also, no i teach my children respect, but i don't make everything in their life a chore or lesson. I agree with her on the fact that since this girl is so terrible and treats her mother with such disrespect, she deserves to be given those consequences. Again, i apologize. I was just skimming the page and missed the key component.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 04/23/2014

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Ashley, Jennie stated "I get THEM the basics, but if THEY want anything else...THEY have to work it off"

That indicates that she does, in fact treat all of her children equally.

The "she" Jennie was referring to is the daughter of the OP, not Jennie's SD

Please read the ENTIRE comment before picking out one statement to pick apart. Are you teaching your children to skim for less comprehension as well? If so, I feel sorry for them.

Heidi - posted on 04/23/2014

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Your situation sounds so familiar. I have a 14 almost 15 year old son and he is everything you say your daughter is ungrateful, blames everyone else when he doesn't get his way and just over all makes life a living hell for everyone around him at times {when not getting his way} he has no girl friend but his time attention and love all goes to the Xbox 360. I just took it away yesterday and had to take it to my moms due to him pinching the crap outta me for taking it. I feel your pain. I want so badly to treat him well and do everything for him but I just cant afford that anymore. I wish I could help you give some advice. But it is nice to know that I am not the only one with this problem, Though I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy :( Thanks for listening and I pray you will get a solution soon. Maybe someone can help us both out. My prayers are with you.

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