Need Advice Fast! 19yr Old Son Just Called Asking Us to Let Him Move Back In!

Lula - posted on 04/13/2014 ( 3 moms have responded )

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So our 19yr old moved out back in January and not under good terms. We spent 4 nights trying to talk to him about why moving out wasn't a good idea and opening his eyes to the tricks his girlfriend was playing. Basically, she said she was pregnant (with twins no less), provided an ultrasound pic that wasn't hers (it's the #2 image search on google for early ultrasound pic), had crazy dates that didn't line up for last period, conception & due date. He still had a couple months left on his plea agreement with the courts on getting caught smoking pot at school (that's on another thread). He was completely disrespectful to his dad & I. We begged him not to leave. He left knowing the car & cell phone are in my name and he couldn't take them with him, he had no money, no job (he'd been fired) & that once he left he wasn't welcome to move back in. He left with the clothes on his back & a spare set in a backpack. He called later asking to come back the next day to pick up his stuff. We didn't know who on earth he was bringing with him, so we told him he could, but it would be after church (not during as he asked for) and that whoever he brought with him would have to wait at the end of the drive (it's a 1,000ft driveway). He in turn showed up with a sheriff escort having claimed he was thrown out. Once the sheriff got the full story, he backed off and told him 2 shirts, 2 pants, 2 socks, 2 underwear, toiletries & shoes and then leave the property. He stayed a little beyond that talking with his grandparents who had come over to try to help him see the light, and he insulted them over and over. During a search of his room the night before looking for clues as to where he might have gone so we could make sure he was ok, it became apparent that when we had been out of town and he was supposedly working (at the job he'd been fired from) he was actually playing house with his girlfriend in our home and went through a jumbo pack of condoms. I admit I lost it after he had insulted his grandparents and was still not making good decisions and I brought the trash can in his room, tossed it at him and ordered him to gather up all those used condoms he'd been @!#%ing her with in my house and throw them away himself because I wasn't going to touch them.

We didn't hear from him for a couple weeks until the girlfriends parents called after figuring out they had been spun a web of lies by them both. We had a 2 family intervention that lasted 7 hours that basically got alot of the lies and truths out in the open, but didn't do much beyond that. We did find out he'd been stealing pain meds from my mother who had double shoulder surgery that went horribly wrong) as well as my pain meds for kidney stones, my migraine rescue meds & my anti-anxiety meds (we both thought we'd hidden them well). He'd been taking those, smoking pot, & we had found texts on his phone setting up arrangements to buy drugs from one of his "friends". When he was supposedly doing the 15hrs of community service, he was with the girlfriend instead. He never went and did the drug abuse assessment that was part of the plea agreement either. He let us know he hated us. When we asked why, he said because we had sheltered him! At the end of the intervention, he did agree to call once a week and all he was obligated to say was if he was safe, warm and fed. He could hang up after that if he wanted or he could talk--it was up to him.

Up until last week he has called. The calls have gotten longer with what he wants to inform me of his life and I do not really comment or give advice. He has been beaten up pretty badly to the point where he should have gone to the ER, he's been thrown out of multiple "friend's" houses, worked "as needed" trimming trees when the company needed extra workers and someone could come pick him up. He called his dad when the car he had borrowed blew the radiator and asked if he would come help him get it running long enough to get back to where he was staying (which his dad did). When I informed him he needed to file taxes, he suggested one of those companies that will pay you $50 right now toward your return. I let him know they'd be charging him more than $50 to complete the return and that I could help him learn how to do it for free if he'd be willing to meet with me in a public place for 15 minutes. He agreed and later asked it I would also help one of his friends. We met and did his taxes and while I helped the friend he talked with his dad and let him know how much he'd learned about the real world (which was more than he had before, but still not enough). After we were finished, he hugged me, thanked me and let me know he no longer hated us & that he'd learned a lot since leaving. And he had stopped the drugs and was looking for advice on how to stop smoking. He did seem to be on a much more even keel and he seemed sincere. On the flip side, we have seen how good an actor he can be too. Although this time he had no reason to fake it--he wasn't living with us anymore.

Fast forward to today... he calls his dad after 2 weeks of silence and explains that he's been kicked out of wherever he was staying. He's been sleeping wherever he can find shelter and that he spent last night in the ER waiting room to keep warm. He wants to know if he can move back. I have his tax refund check in my possession (I was waiting on him to call to let him know it came). He has until next month to have the community service complete, pay $100 to take the drug assessment, complete any treatment they recommend (that will have to paid for too). If he doesn't do all that he has to pay a fine, serve time & it will be on his permanent record. He still has no steady job to my knowledge and he's still seeing the girlfriend.

Our house has been A LOT calmer since he's been gone. He has a 9 yr old brother who loves & misses him dearly. But his behavior has also put a strain on the little guy too. I hate to say it, but it's true--I'm much less stressed with him out of the house. The drama is all gone. I don't have to put up with bad attitudes. I'm not having to check up on anyone. I quite like things the way they are. The last 4 years have been hell off & on--like a terrible roller coaster you can't get off of even though the motion sickness has already set in. But I don't want him living on the streets either. We don't know how much he's truly changed since he's been gone. His dad told him to call back later and maybe we'd go to dinner and talk. then he called me ans asked me to think about options with letting our son come home and we would talk about it together when he got back from work.

I'm at a loss. What should we do?

3 Comments

View replies by

Maria San - posted on 04/18/2014

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Hi Lula. That is a really tough decision to make. I can relate to you as our home has been so much better after our son moved out. If you do decide to let your son move back in, I would suggest that you be very clear about what the expectations are and what will happen when your son doesn't abide by the agreement. Here is a very good article about how to do that. It is by James lehman http://www.empoweringparents.com/In-Resp... Best wishes to you and your family. I hope things turn around for all of you.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 04/14/2014

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Ok, first of all, quit withholding HIS tax return money, unless he has a proven debt to you (proven, meaning recorded and agreed to by both)

Second, if he wants to move back in, he agrees to house rules, and pays rent. Get a signed agreement with both sides agreeing to terms.

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