new help, i have a 14yr old boy

Nicola - posted on 01/31/2009 ( 11 moms have responded )

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i have a 14yr old boy who NEVER goes to school, has been in trouble with police and has to got to somthing called yos basic its youth probation, but only turns up when he wants to and yet he know its really serious , also smokes weed and never listens to me and when he does its only coz he wants somthing , and were's me down , if i wont give him money he goes on and on and on , , im at the pont were i love him but i really dont like him and im not sure how much more me and his dad and deal with him, we also have 4 other boys to think about,

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Dawn - posted on 08/04/2010

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Well I do know were you are coming from to a point. My son is 14 as well and he thinks he knows it all. I have been letting him have his way about not moving to Vegas were his two brothers and new baby sister is as well as myself. I have bought two one way tickets and he says he wants to come but then changes his mind and there goes the money that is kept for credit not put back in the bank. He is now hanging with this guy who is 21 and sells drugs but from what my sister say my son isnt but how does she know. She isnt around him 24/7 and she lets him be around him only at her house well he shouldnt be around him period her house, his house. Thats why if I have to involve the police I guess I will. He wont tex or call me back and I pay for his phone and thats going to stop he is selfish, spoiled and very disrespectfull and I have had enough its, time for us moms to put our foot down and take charge before its to late. Thats what you need to do let him learn the hard way when he has to go to a home for boys because he isnt following the orders of the court. When he suppose to be in school one of you take him and if he isnt ready drag his ass out of bed take him as he is and embrass him he will get enough of it. The smoking weed tell him you will notified his probation officer of his activities and let him know what the trouble it will bring and if he calls you on it, talk with the probation and tell them to come and get him to help you enforce the rules and let him sit in the county for 3hours. Try it and see if you get positive results. Good luck and I will say a prayer for you and your family.

Martha - posted on 08/04/2010

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I have a 14 year old son too. And the last year was a tough one. We had to call the police on him several times and he tried smoking weed. His dad just kind of gave up we didn't know what to do. He would go to school but forget about getting him to do or even bring homework home. I don't know what will work but I'll tell you what worked for us..so far. He has everything in the world so one by one we kept taking things away. He had to earn them back one by one and if during the week he "messed up" he lost the thing he just got back plus one more thing. Slowly and I do mean slowly he started to get it. And it took him two and a half months but he EARNED each thing back. He has actually been pleasant to be around. You can't hand them everything no matter how much they drive you crazy. He has to earn it. And now my son does. He goes down to his dad's shop and helps and helps some around the house without being asked or only being asked once. It has been a very slow and grinding process but for us and for now it has worked. School starts soon and I hope things won't change for the worse but we will see. I wish you all of the luck in the world.

Jane - posted on 08/02/2010

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Grounding doesn't work for my guys, either. I have six, so I know the boat you're in. It's generally a plea for attention. Personally, while it may not be depression, it looks for all the world like impulsive type ADHD. I have 3 kids w ADHD, 3 w autism, and one with CP, so I know from whence I speak.

My eldest boy came around when he found the doors locked when he returned after curfew. He spent one night sleeping in the car, then has turned it around. There are home drug tests you can buy at the chemist's, and make a rule that he passes one a week, or it gets reported to the probation officer. He cannot continue to expect you to accept illegal activity in your home, around the siblings, as you owe it to them to give them good examples to follow, and right now, his is not a good example.

Good luck, you're in my prayers.

Teresa - posted on 07/31/2010

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Hi Nicola, well five boys wow busy mum and Dad! Your fourteen old is obviously going through a difficult stage of adolscents, of course this can be very difficult to deal with as his parents and siblings get the fall out from all of this.

However his 'rebellion' has to be dealt with in most cases young adults are struggling to find out who they really are and to push the boundaries is away of finding exactly as an adult how far they can go and get away with it....

For you it is your role as his parents to teach him how to be come the adult who makes the right choices and decsions in his life.

This of course is going to be hard for you both but if you put it in place now it will I promise work.

You have to make boundaries for him and keep to them.

If you ground him and this does not work and he rebels, then for example empty his bedroom and leave only his mattress and a blanket to get his room put back the way he had it before he earns it, give him no money unless he earns it either by doing chores or working.

If he is disrespectful ignore him until he is calm enough, if he want something he has to earn it by being respectful to you and your family.

Find some time for him on his own away from home where its easy to talk mum and dad take him bowling would give him indivdual attttention and allow you to talk.. Also there is nothing wrong with seeing a family counsellor occasionaly who will give you some tools to be able to handle difficult confrontasions, and allow you a place to talk together,

Most of all remember you are the parent and you must remain adult at all times even when he pushes your buttons ,stay in control and you MUST stick to the rules you make dont cave in or he will see a opportunity to cross the line.

Beleive me you are doing him no favours because you love him you have to be able to say NO and give him the boundaries he so is screaming for, its up to you to make him into a adult you can be proud of or wait until its to late and lose the opportunity to change how he now is.. I wish you well on this difficult journey with your son but take the right Road and beleive me for your son it will be very worth while.

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Jill - posted on 03/31/2017

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Best advice ever (at least what I have seen so far) Theresa Willey! Will be implementing that/those methods with my son before it goes any further. At least he isn't involved in drugs yet, but lying like a rug, right to my face-daily! Ditching class, sleeping in class, refusing to do work, leaving school, just found out he used my credit card without permission. Mostly for gaming stuff, once for a porn site! And had 2 days of detention after school without telling us, making us sit, wait, and worry that he may have taken off again. At least it was "just" detention. Unfortunately the one he had today was for skipping 2 classes, one was a quarterly final!! I am just at my witt's end with this boy! I love him to death, and would take a bullet to save him, but right now I just want to knock some sense into him! I know violence isn't the answer, and he's a bit old to be spanked (I think..) Otherwise, he's a good kid, has a tender heart, especially towards younger kids and animals, he's smart, once he can buckle down, concentrate, and do the work, but he has been struggling since about 6th grade, more in 7th, and squeaked by- by the skin of his ass, literally- in 8th. He had one final paper to finish, and was just stuck. My husband went to school right from work and stood over him until he finished, right before the 8th grade graduation ceremony. Minutes before!! Now he's at a new school, 9th grade, which is a big change, I know, but because he's got ADHD, Anxiety, and Depression, we had a meeting, well several now, and made, some special provisions for him to make it a little easier transition. But it's just getting worse. He also sees a psychiatrist every 4-6 weeks, or sooner if needed. My husband doesn't think the meds are helping anymore, maybe he was misdiagnosed, or something. I'm just not sure, but will definitely talk about that at our next session if not sooner. I just don't know, but something has to change. Right now he's got a 1.5 GPA, and you need at least a 2.5 to graduate. Not sure if he can pull it up in time. There was talk of holding him back when he was younger, because he's one of the youngest/closest to the cut off date of Sept 1st. I wish they would have when he was younger, maybe it would have helped, who knows. Anyway, wish us luck. Thanks for listening... Jill

Melissa L - posted on 02/21/2016

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My son is 14 and his on stupid dad got him smoking pot everyday after school with he goes to school and his best friend smokes to his mom and dad give it to them I am worried he is going to end up like his dad a dope head and in and out of jail then prison for sealing drugs he got and now right back sealing... I have been thinking I should call DPSS he is all ready in trouble for not going to school I really don't know what to do my son would never for give me if he fines out I said anything please help me

Karen M. - posted on 08/01/2010

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Yes Nicola, I agree with most of these moms... the message is the same... "spare the rod, spoil the child". It's time to love him with guidance, but your partner/husband must also be on board. Discuss your plans with your other children (to their level of understanding) that for a while when "Johnny" behaves like this..., then we will behave like this. And we will continue to do this until "Johnny" starts to behave in a better way.

The only way to have success is to have the whole family doing the same thing, so your son will see that it doesn't matter what he does to whom, the reaction will always be consistent.

Good luck, I'm still working on my step-son in the same way, but his father is inconsistent in his guidance, so it makes things difficult. My step-son seizes the opportunity by the weakest link, usually his father to get money or privileges. Ugh! It's not easy.

Shelly - posted on 02/03/2009

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Nicola,



  Honey it's time for some tough love you need to call his probation officer and ask him to revoke his probation let him spend 30 days in juvy.  And don't keep pulling his butt out of the fire.  You need to allow him to fail on his own let him see that there are reprocutions to his non action.  You have other children in the home that you need to show that it is not ok to act like this that they are not allowed to just do as they please...nip it NOW or you will be in for a repeat section with one or all of the other kids.  Just don't forget to let him know that you love him but you just can't allow him to screw up the rest of his life..I will keep you and your family in my prayers

Theresa - posted on 02/03/2009

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What does his probation pofficer say about this? Has he been on PINS (persons in need of supervison)? You need to get tough, provide him food and shelter that's it until he straightens out. Giving him money is only fueling his addiction. Maybe it's time for in-patient rehab before he moves from weed to something alot more dangerous. Good Luck

Nicola - posted on 01/31/2009

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sorry me again, just thought before somone trys to help me i should just say grounding doesnt work coz he will just walk out , and it isnt depression , he is a very bright boy , his abit of a jack the lad, loads of mates and girlfriends and he beams conffidence and in his eyes if he ever goes anything wrong its ALAWYS someone elses fault

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