Problem with my teenager son

Martha - posted on 03/09/2013 ( 3 moms have responded )

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I need your advise with my 18 year old son who is very defiance & has been lying to my husband and myself for many years.

Don't know exactly how everything started, but I'm now very close to losing my children & my husband.
My son was a very bright smart kid and with the ability to learn so much so quickly. He had a variety of talents, but he has quit on all of them and chose to just play his video games for hours. I learned that he has the gift to invent all sorts of excuses to to avoid doing his homework - that's how he started loosing his motivation to learn in school, then came calls from teachers because my son wasn't doing his hwork, then everything went wrong from there.
About 6 years ago, when he was starting middle school, his excuses to do work and lie became more elaborated and he even had the influence & some sort of an evil genius in him that would make people believe in everything he was saying.

As he entered H School I realized how much damage he did to himself and how he came to destroy all the intellect he had. His failing grades prove that he is getting more into trouble and away from college.

My son has been getting away with being disrespectful to my husband and mostly to myself, he lies constantly; he is doing bad in his senior year of high school, not because he is not capable but because he does not care and doesn't want to do anything that is school related. He spends hours tucked in his room involved in face book, he doesn't have good friend left. I took his computer away and even his phone service since a week ago and now he just looks at his facebook through his Iphone constantly in his room. My relashionship with him is gotten so bad and we don't even talk anymore, I'm dying inside!! I loosing everything I worked so hard for; constantly asked myself... what did I do wrong? I worked so hard for so many years to provide them with the good education to make a good man out of him I was there for him always. When I though he needed help with school I gave him private tutors and he took advantage of it and wasn't doing his part.

Even though I considere myself conservative and strict, I tried to change and go along with my husband and children to avoid criticism from them and relax and not be to severe in my rules or bother with things around. Now I feel that because I didn't put my foot down and reinforce rules already set I feel is too late & my relashionship with my family became very turbulent to the point that I don't know how to find a solution now.

My relationship with my husband has deteriorated due to the stress we have with our son. I just don’t feel I have the energy to keep trying to save my marriage – My husband is now allowing my son to get away with many things so that he doesn't get stress out; I keep fighting to get my son to be a good man, to be the good boy he was, but I’m so tired with it all. So my son has won and I have no fight left to go on.
My husband has apologized many times for his own weakness towards this issues in the family. We tried family counseling and that didn't work neigther. Now my daughter who is 15 is also gotten very disrespecful to me. I feel sorry for her because she saw how my son got away with so much for so long and her reaction could be why can't she do the same. My relationship with her is also worsening; but I feel as if my husband is spoiling her and letting her get away with many things.

My husband and myself are now considering divorce and my kids will possibly stay with him in the house if this happens. I just can't deal with it anymore and feel trap trying to find a solution but not allowing the disrespect to continue.
Even though my husband don't want me to leave, I just feel that he is being very soft on the kids, specially with my son and he doesn't even consider the calls that we get from his school with information on detentions and cutting classes day after day. The counselors and dean offices are doing their part to inform us; but my husband is not being proactive in taking firm soltions. I feel that my son has to leave the house and see how hard life is when responsiblities are not being met and bills need to get pay. He doesn't see it this way and takes everything for granted.
Rules are being broken in the house, my son was drinking & smoking and expected me to not say anything as he entered the house with the smell of smoke of alcohol.

Confrontations with my son and myself or with my husband got stronger. Ocasionally, we called the cops twice for help when things went out of control.
As I don't support any of this going on, I feel desperate and care about my health and try to keep stability in place. I have some savings and the financial support that my husband will give me if I leave the house even though he doesn't want me to leave.

To top it all off, I lost my job and now my kids make unwelcome commends about it. It seems that they just want to destroy my self-esteem and weaken me.

I feel so guilty of the idea of leaving my family, and getting divorce from my husband; but everything I had is gone. My kids don't even talk to me now & I don't want to talk with my husband any more - I'm angry and bitter, my life is empty and feel as if I need to live alone and get the peace of mind I need. Please give me your advise.

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Brandy - posted on 03/10/2013

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First, I want to say that you are not alone, I, myself have gone through this with my children when they were younger and know many people that have disrespectful children. I believe that first fo all, your husband needs to stand up for you, if he doesn't want you to leave then he needs to show you that he will try and help with the children not just let things go and have you handle all situations. That is taking the wrong side. Many times children see this and realize that they are not going to get it from "both sides", so why not wear mom down so that she can't think straight and then we are golden. My children used to walk all over me. Maybe making a plan with your husband and then having a family meeting. Saying look this is what we expect and if you cannot stay in school and you want mess around, you can get a job and help pay for bills, food, gas and car insurance to get you back and forth to work. Use a very strict sense of rules that they would rather go to school and be good and respect you instead of the consequence that comes along with not doing well. As for the disrespect for you, do not ever think that you have to in any way put up with that, both of your children are old enough to know better and are old enough to have the cops called on them. Also, maybe getting them both in some kind of therapy would help, especially for your son, since it seems as if your daughter is only acting that way because she sees that her brother is getting away with it. With your husband spoiling them both he is saying that is okay to act out and do whatever you want, he definitely needs to put his foot down adn I think all of this coming from him would work a lot better, but he has to be willing and if he doesn't want to do it then maybe telling him your altimademn of leaving would help urge him along. I wish you all the best of luck in the world. Hope this helps. GOD bless

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Brandy - posted on 03/11/2013

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Martha, I think a lot of times it is not that we can't help our own situations, but I know it definitely helps to hear that you are not alone. It is very difficult to think that you are alone in a situation that seems totally out of your control, but I promise it isn't (out of your control). When I first had to "put my foot down" it was hard to stand up for myself because I had let my children and ex-husband run me down and I felt as if there wasn't anything I could do. So when I finally put my foot down I felt like such a mean woman, but now my children have respect for me and well my ex-husband is my ex for a reason lol and my kids and myself are doing great. It took a lot of praying and talking to myself, building up my own confidence, sometimes we have to do that for ourselves. I want you to know that I don't advise you to just up and leave your husband, but to make the choice that is right for you and that will make you happy, and if in the end that is what trully makes you happy then go for it. Making the decision to "put your foot" down isn't an easy decision, but once you do please remember you have to stick with it no matter how much they resist. Consistency is key. When they realize that you are not backing down they will either straighten up or you will decide to "do you". GOD bless

Martha - posted on 03/10/2013

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Brandy, I want to tell you that I'm so happy to get your reply. It's was very helpful to hear from other moms like you to give me the support that I desperately need during this time in my life.
Sometimes, I don't even know if I'm thinking right so I need to hear from others to know that I'm not out of my mind. I'd seen other kids in the past disrespecting their mom, and I used to say myself, how can this kid get away with it. Now I feel I'm in the bad situation because I started to let it happen I would let it slide thinking that it was just a simply incident on both sides, and that it would go away. Now I now this can't go on and got to stop it.

I saw your profile & wish you good luck with you health. If there is any way I could help you being stronger. Just send me a line so that I could reply.

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