Problems with boyfriend and how to talk with my mom?

Emily - posted on 10/26/2012 ( 6 moms have responded )

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**PLEASE READ ALL THE WAY THROUGH**



I am not a mom, but decided that this group could probably help out the most with my problem.



My boyfriend and I have been together for three years now, and have never really broken up. We talk daily online via video messaging (and when we are not video messaging, we are text messaging). We truly are very happy together and our personalities just go together. He is 21 and I am 17.



There is one problem- my mom. My mom has never liked my boyfriend. He is disabled and can not work. He provides me with gas money to come see him and he pays for lunch or dinner when I come see him. He does try to work and seeks employment, but can not work in a traditional workplace. I also have to drive to come see him, and that is because he is legally not allowed to drive with his conditions. My mother has made rules such as ones like I can not get to see him every month. One of the silly rules that I am talking about, was how she said that I can not go and see him every month (this month has been a lucky month because I've actually gotten to see him twice). Another silly rule example is that we are going to a school dance and he has to spend the night at our house over night. I can not go out to lunch with him before the dance, my parents have to drive us to the dance after I bring him to our house, and he must sleep outside in a separate building on the property (and the building has electricity, but is not heated and the dance is in November). I asked her since we can not have lunch together before the dance, then can we do lunch the day after the dance, and she said maybe brunch and then I have to head right back home.



Another fact I would like to bring up is that she believes that we are either sexually active or something (I don't even know what). One day I was cleaning my very large fish tank in my room and was talking to my boyfriend online (just audio and no video) and my fish jumped up and splashed water on my shirt and pants. My mom came back and started to knock on my door when I was putting new clothes on, and now she thinks that I am showing him things online. And before that, when I ordered new panty hose online from a store that she claims sells lingerie, she starts to text my phone that she knows the place I ordered the new panty hose from sells "sexy clothing", then proceeds to open my package, when I was not home, and proceeds to find out that I was, in fact, telling the truth (I bought them for Business Week for when we had to present our business plans to "investors").



Being around my mom makes my boyfriend incredibly uncomfortable to the point that he is completely stressed out and it can make him sick. She is getting on all of my nerves as well. She claims that she doesn't have a problem with him, but it is very evident that she does. Is there any way that we can find a middle ground? How can I bring this up to her? I have an older brother, and when he was in high school, his girlfriends could come over and stay until later hours of the night and be allowed to spend "alone time" together for extended periods of time.



Some other important information would be that I am going to online school, and my boyfriend and I typically video chat for 3-7 hours a day and IM the other parts of the day. I am graduating a year early, so I am not irresponsible. I have a job as a sales associate at an Elderbeerman store. He really does try to budget his money to show that he is a responsible person when we do things together (and getting $30 a week for living expenses is not a lot). When we are together, we are either in a public area (like having a picnic at a public park or doing his weekly shopping) or supervised at his house (he pays rent at his parent's house), so nothing sexual is happening between us. My mom just does not have trust in me at all.



I just don't really know what to do. If this continues, then we will not attend the charity dance my school was having, and maybe not even the prom in May (which I am a member on the prom committee and helping plan). I'm just not sure what her problem is. Any help would be appreciated.

6 Comments

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Bobbie - posted on 10/28/2012

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So glad to hear from you and get your side of things. I do understand teenagers very well and raised 5 happily. I didn't go through their things and I let them have their rooms in full privacy.

You seem to be doing well and I commend you. Your maturity and not being sexually active are two facts I don't dispute. Your love for him, his love for you and the commitment to each other is also not questioned. You must miss him terribly when you can't see him but do you also consider the fact that you video chat for companionship so as not to feel alone? That is my concern. However, since you were bullied at school and found a true friend that has your back 24/7 against a mother who sounds much like the one I had. I say, all is good with you. However, I wouldn't try to speak to your mother about the issue of travel as if asking why it is limited. Rather I would put that great brain of yours to use.

#1 Interview persons to care for your pets while you travel. You could find someone reliable through a interview with both you and your boyfriend on chat. This person could then be on your written information to show to your mother.

#2 Write down your own guidelines for video chat with him. State how you do not dress or undress in anyway during these calls out of respect for yourself. That you want her to know that she can put full faith in your continued use of good judgement.

#3 Make a chart/graph of your school grades to show how they stay consistent.

#4 Speak to her about your hours of chat with him and tell her you understand her concern and that you feel you do need to get out more. That to find balance in your socializing and getting out more you have come up with the workable schedule for having visits with him.

#5 Then create a visitation schedule to go to his house every week on a set day for a full day visit. Leaving the house super early like 4am and arriving back home that evening by 11:00.

If you pay a person to come in and care for your pets and rabbits and YOU decide the day of the week that you will travel. Then you are setting your terms as an adult with well thought out answers to all her usual questions.

If he lives further away, I didn't catch how far it was, you could arrange for a hotel room to be provided for you to rest in and stay over before your drive back home.

Be sure to answer all her concerns and usual backlash with a well thought out resolution to provide to her.

I know a mature aspect of the relationship will help her with her worries. If she is a difficult person to deal with,(I know, I had a mother like that) then you can only try to approach her. sometimes they are problem rather than anything you are doing wrong. Good Luck

Emily - posted on 10/26/2012

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I am in online schooling, after years of begging my mother, to allow me to do it. I have medical conditions that make me prone to bullying, and have suffered through it for several years. I can remember being in second or third grade and coming home and begging my parents to let me do home schooling because it was so bad. She finally let me try online schooling last year when I moved to my dad's, as long as I would come back home. It was just a hassle when I was at my dad's because my mom was consistently lying to my dad about me not feeding or watering my animals and all sorts of random things.



As for the "start paying for things" that Bobbi addressed, I do pay for my own things. I own a rabbitry, two dogs, and two cats and pay for them as well. Owning and selling rabbits pays for themselves and then quite a bit extra if done correctly. And with a job, that also contributes to my bills.



Now onto going to see my boyfriend. I own my car and pay for the gas for where I need to go. When I go to see my boyfriend, however, he pays for my gas to and from there.



My boyfriend and I do not have a sexual relationship. We do not really feel comfortable with it because we both know the possibility of getting pregnant even with contraceptives.



I am, by no means, an irresponsible person, and I really do try to succeed at anything I am doing. Many people do agree that I am a very well-matured individual. I know my mom is supposed to be watching over me like everyone on here says, but it is really getting a little over the top. Like, when my brother was dating a girl that was considered an adult when he was still a minor, they were allowed to stay in their room with the door blocked off. My boyfriend and I could never have that chance because we are always doing something, so getting pregnant is off the list of worries, and I check in with her when we are together. So I'm not really sure what she is going on about sometimes.



As for the video chatting, it is usually whenever I am working on my school work or when I am doing something. It does not interfere with my school work, because I have a 3.6 GPA and many awards for extra curricular projects I do through school. If I have a question about English grammar, then he is usually there to help me. Or when I am doing something with the pedigree system for my rabbits, he might chip in with reading off a few of the pedigrees as I enter them into the systems. He helps out a lot when I am doing something online and we are video chatting when I am doing something. And here soon, I will be starting college, I'll still be doing my online schooling, and I will still be doing my job part-time, I'm under a bit of pressure and he helps with that a lot too.

Bobbie - posted on 10/26/2012

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I agree with Emily and had forgotten to address your mother searching into things. That was something I didn't do even when I felt a need to protect my kids from their self , knowing how it hurts the dynamics of the relationship.

[deleted account]

Emily,



Let me first say that I started dating my husband when I was 16 and he was 22, so I completely get your situation. My parents didn't like him either. We have now been married for 19 years, so things can work out.



However, you should try to realize that your relationships when you are 17 normally DON'T work out in the long run, regardless of the age of the other person or other aspects of your situation. Your mother has this in mind and, right or wrong, wants to protect you from devoting your life to something that may not be going anywhere.



So, start by giving mom some credit. She loves you. I'm sure she's concerned both about your boyfriend's age and about his disability. You should try to consider that, and some of the "red flags" that Bobbie mentioned below, and try to understand why your mother is worried. Many parents would not allow the relationship at all. That said, your mom does seem like she isn't being very trusting of your judgement, so you should sit and talk with her and point out that her suspicions so far have been unfounded (like the lingerie) and that you would like her to trust you more and communicate more openly instead of her sneaking into your things and assuming you are doing things you shouldn't be doing. That's only going to hurt her relationship with you, and she should realize that.



Finally, I'm not sure why you are in online school at 17, but I agree with Bobbie that you shouldn't be videochatting with your boyfriend 5 to 7 hours a day. You will never be teenager again. Even if you end up spending your life with this man, it's important to have friends and interests of your own. As you get older and have a job and possibly kids, it's harder to spend time with friends or take time to do things you like to do. You need to take that time for yourself now while you have the chance, and make sure you learn who you are and what you want out of life before you tie yourself permanently to a spouse/partner. You've been with this man for 3 years already, and if you've spent as much time with him all along as you are spending now, you're really missing out on your own high school years. If the relationship is meant to work out, it will. Before long you will be 18 and the decisions will be entirely yours to make. Good luck and be happy.

Bobbie - posted on 10/26/2012

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As a mother of grown children I can tell you how I would feel in this situation which may help you see your mother's concerns.

I believe you are focusing on the issues of your mother not trusting you, not allowing private time and her inability to see him as the person you see. However there are other larger issues in this relationship that are red flags to me as well.

~ at age 17 your mother has to protect you from an adult who wishes to consume your life in a relationship that is illegal if you have sex with him. That is the black and white truth. Good guy or not the red flags are there for motherly instinct to be on high alert. #1 The way in which you met #2 The distance and requirements made of you to see him are not a normal healthy relationship any mother would want for their daughter #3 He will never be able to give you the life you think you may want to have with him due to his limitation #4 If his disabilities are mental as well as physical she has true concern of your safety when you are with him therefor requiring you not have private time #4 you dedicate 3-7 hours of your daily schedule to this relationship. That is beyond ridiculous. The purpose of going to online school concerns me as well. Did you have social issues at school that prompted this way to complete High School? Any 21 year old who is in love with a 17 year old should have the common sense to keep contact daily to a reasonable time, I would think an hour long call in the morning and one at night with text would be a huge amount to anyone with healthy boundaries. The pushing of those boundaries into the absurd easily make you suspect of not showing good judgement. If you are willing to be on video chat with him for hours and text as well the thought of you showing lack of boundaries and sexting or exposing yourself during video time is not far fetched. You also take extreme measures to spend face to face time such as drive to see him so itisn't a far leap to say that you would also do other things to please him. #5 Your brother having a girlfriend over at the house and having private time is different in many aspects. They were of the same age without legal issues. They were in a day to day normal relationship of getting together briefly to share each others company, not consuming their lives with spending every second to look at each other on a screen and talk as well as email and text. #6 The limitations he has is not your parents problem. Him needing a place to stay to take you to a dance is also not their problem. They are raising you, not him. For you to drive to get him, bring him back and then ask your parents to put him up for the night is a huge request and a very unreasonable one. Again, at 21 he can be arrested if he has sexual contact with you so why in the world would you think that they should give you two opportunity, in their home to be together?

So as mother I too would be saying once a month is all I would be willing to have you use my car and my gas to go see a boyfriend who doesn't live locally, has no job, can't drive himself and wants to consume your life day in and day out on the phone, video and through emails. This isn't healthy no matter how you look at it. it isn't your mother not trusting you, it is your mother knowing darn well where you are headed and she is trying to apply the break to this run away train wreck of a relationship.

Actually, come to think of it, since I would be paying for all the video, internet and texing you two are doing back and forth my limits would have been reached already and I would be telling you to pay your own phone bill, take you off my internet service and tell you that you had to go to mcdonalds to use their wifi to do your online schooling and cut you off from traveling in my vehicle using my money for gas to see him.

so go hug your mother and realize she is doing the very best she can with this bad situation you have put her in.

Stephanie - posted on 10/26/2012

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Hello Emily. It made me sad that no one has responded to you. I have a 16 year old daughter, a 15 year old son, and a 10 year old daughter. Once upon a time, I was a teenage girl with parents who wouldn't let me do anything, let alone spend time with my boyfriend! I was grounded all the time, and had to be at home. I ended up a very angry person. I use to fight with my mother constantly, and this caused problems with my parents marriage. I have been in your shoes (but soooo much worse) and now I have a teenage daughter. There are a lot of things I could tell you, but the thing that might actually make sense to you is this,...it's very simple and it comes from dealing with both sides of the equation here.***You are young, and no matter how much you like/love this boy, he's just a boy! This boyfriend will be one of many at some point in your life. Boys, boyfriends, relationships and even husbands come and go. Your mother is looking out for you and keeping your best interest at heart. Mom's do crazy things for the love of their daughters, and we aren't perfect! Things may seem like the end of the world right now if your plans don't go the way you want them to, but that will change. I think your mother is trying to give you some room with your boyfriend by letting him stay on the same property, and that's all she feels comfortable with doing at this point. That's more than most parents would do! You have to remember that you'll be an adult or of legal age soon and can make decisions ALL BY YOURSELF! You have the rest of your life to do as you please, and make a TON of MISTAKES! Sometimes GOD works in a way we don't like and later we can see it was the best thing for us. Being a teenager is hard. I wish I would've done things differently and been different. You can't go back, so just keep in mind that you have the power to make your life the best it can be right now. If you stay focused on the positive and not the negative, you will get a positive outcome! Good luck Sweetheart.

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