"sleep overs"

[deleted account] ( 31 moms have responded )

My 17 year old boy keeps insisting we allow him to go and sleep over at his friend's place. We have had several battles over this. I am determined not to allow him. I don't mind friends (male) staying here with us. How do other parents feel about this??

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Mercy - posted on 06/25/2012

11

0

1

Our 13 and 14 years old kids have friends from other schools who's families we don't know. We don't feel good about letting them sleep over at their houses but they have convinced us a couple of times. I still don't feel it is right. Our son is very argumentative if we say NO. I don't know what to do. I told them we need to know them and their families. That they should just hang out with friends from their own school. I'm running nuts. Advice please.

Amber - posted on 08/04/2013

3

0

0

Why can't he sleep over? Has he done things to make you not trust his judgement? He's 17 one more year until you can't tell him what to do and I believe a child with no freedom leads to a wild young adult. He will most likely get a taste of freedom once he's 18 and he will just become uncontrollable because now he will be able to do everything and you can't tell him not too. I don't understand your reasoning for not letting him go to a friends house?

Mary - posted on 01/28/2010

6

0

0

Don't understand why it is okay to have kids at your house, but he can't go elsewhere. Sounds like a control issue on your part. Hate to tell you this, you have no control. Make him a rebel and start sneaking behind your back and you will regret it. Have a little faith and ease up a bit. If he's going off to college in a year, sleep overs will be the least of your worries, Seems like everyone's posting is in agreement. You have your advise, please use it! signed mother of 2 college graduates and a 9 year old!!

User - posted on 11/17/2013

3

0

0

13 or 14 those are rebellious years....have a former co workers....has daughters who are 12 & 14....his wife is strict....no sleepovers either way.....they have 4 bedroom home...she even takes out the power switch on their computer so the kids cannot go on the internet unless she is home in the evening...

having standards of behaviour are important from an early age...
kids think that they are the adults....WRONG....you are the adult....my dad had big argument with my sister when she was 18....very lazy & did not have to do anything around the house....father told her...'this is my house...you paid 0 vs the mortgage...pay 0 for your room and board...get a job and get out...she left 1 year later...2 days later, locks on the doors were all changed...sm...

Lisa - posted on 01/27/2010

3

61

0

Leslie, I totally agree with you! I want the "no sleep over" rules enforced. Unfortunately I didn't have that rule in place with the older children so now it's hard to enforce it. I have 6 children so I get asked the question A LOT! I hate having to decide over and over again if it would be ok and if the family has the same values, etc. If it's a rule already, no making that decision over and over. How do you tell one child it's ok and the other "no" because you don't trust the situation. I don't really want to make that judgement call. With the times as they are I don't want our values being compromised. The truth is----we don't know what goes on at their house!! Even if we know them somewhat there could be a "compromising VISITOR" that drops by. They could have a porn movie going. There could be drinking, whatever. It's not that I don't trust my children---I don't trust every person there. Besides, not too many good things happen at all hours of being up through the night and they are irritable when they get home to boot. Not worth the risk for me. He will be exposed to a lot as it is when he leaves home. I am the parent now and I take responsibility!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

31 Comments

View replies by

Annemarie - posted on 12/31/2014

10

0

1

O no, I loved it! You should give them learning things to keep them buzzy with!! Sometimes, when my kids were that age, I enjoyed it more than they did! You must encourage them to do things and develope self consciousness do do it all by themselves! Let them develop an eager for building things, for example. It could be for your own benefit for instance.

Annemarie - posted on 12/31/2014

10

0

1

Don't set bounderies, he's definitly old enough to think for himself! Don't do that to him or yourself. Let him go. . .

Annemarie - posted on 12/31/2014

10

0

1

I'm doing it the other way around. If i've never met the parents or don't like them, I rather tell them that I would have more confidence if that friend is sleeping over at ours for the first or couple of times. Therefor you can see through that child what kind of persons his/her parents aught to be.

Annemarie - posted on 12/31/2014

10

0

1

I don't think it is wrong. My kids are sleeping over from a very younger age and I believe if you know the parents and your kid is well raised up, he know the rights things to do aswell as the wrong side of things and I believe you do trust your son, doesn't you?

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 11/18/2013

13,264

21

2015

Even though this is YEARS old, and the OP has subsequently deleted their account, I must say:

This parent thinks that "rule" (of the OP) is ridiculous. How controlling do you want to be?

Kellie - posted on 02/02/2013

5

0

0

My 16 year old daughter has been haveing sleepovers since she was 5 but only at her grandprents house and on her 7th birthday she had a sleepover party where 18 of her friends sleep over it went fine so let your kid sleepover he's almost an aldolt

Betthany - posted on 10/03/2012

1

0

0

i have a 13 year old daughter and i do not let her go any where shes alowwed to sit out front where i can seee her but shes not allowed to go over to their house.she also cant bring any friends inside because i o not want to be responsible for their actions. shes not allowed to wear make up or dye her hair and shes not allowed to have a facebook. am i being a controlling mother? she always complains about never haveing had a sleepover or never going over to a friends house. all i say is your not missing anything but after reading all these comments im rethinking

User - posted on 01/30/2010

10

17

0

My daughter is 17 and sleepover have gone on for years. She had a friend in Jr High whose parents were ok with even school night sleep overs. I learned to be reasonable. What was my concern? We discussed my concerns. She tells me most everything. Follows some common sense rules - don't get in the car with anyone who has been drinking or doing drugs. Don't drink and drive. Keep in touch. And you can call me anytime, day or night, and I will be there for you. Doesn't mean we don't talk about things. Doesn't mean she doesn't make mistakes. But we have a very open and honest relationship, and she has grown into a wonderful young woman who will start college next fall.

Allie - posted on 01/29/2010

117

35

11

Well for my oldest daughter we met her friends parents to make sure they are good and responsible people. She is allowed on night on the weekend and none during the week because that is school studing time. no opposite mixed gender sleep overs that is how you get grandbabies early. but as long as the other parents are good then I am fine with it.

Amy - posted on 01/27/2010

1

22

0

i tell you, i am tried of every weekend being asked for a sleepover. we keep telling him at some point he is going to be too old to have sleep overs. hes almost 14 yrs old now. the only places he is allowed a sleep over is the parents we know and personally trust to keep an eye on them, just as we would on any sleep overs at our house. we let him have one, but only if all grades are B or higher, no B-'s allowed. none, EVER during the week. hoping he will grow out of it, but they have a huge urge to hang out w/friends, this also helps them feel liked and wanted, which is important to their social and mental health. we use it as a tool to help keep his attitude and grade in check, they need to be good, or no sleepover!

Christine - posted on 01/27/2010

15

25

4

I have to say I worry about my teen daughter spending the night with her friends; mainly because I'm not there. That's my own insecurity I guess. So my answer/advice would depend on why sleeping over at his friends house is an issue. Does it happen often.? Almost like he would rather be there than home? Then I would say that he must like the other environment more. Could be because he can do things over there he can not do at home. If it where happening with my daughter all of the time I would ask her what was going on. Maybe the other kids parents aren't home much, maybe they have more to entertain at there house. (Thats a reason I stayed out...I just had more fun at my friends) His reason may not be drugs or anything bad, but maybe something you can talk to him about. Or maybe you already know the reason he wants to spend the night; have you told your son your concerns? I would suggest laying down guidelines; good grades, clean room, chores done before you'll even consider his friend coming over or vice versa.

Michele - posted on 01/27/2010

6

20

0

I have a difference of opinions. On one hand I would say yes let them stay there to get away from the normal everyday things at home. See how other families live and experience different things and on the other hand , I say keep them at home . That way you know how he is hanging out with , where he is at all times . This in all ways has come to bite me . I have a 18 soon to be 19 yr old who I sheltered for the first 15 yrs of his life then one day he decided he didn want me mothering him so much . I gave him some slack , freedom what ever you choose to think of it as only for him to end up completely using and abusing the freedom . I tried very hard with all that is in me to keep this from happening but it wasnt to be stopped.He ended up with a contributing to minors, in several major fights , caught with drug parfanelia in my home by me , sold things that belonged to him or not just to get what he wanted to satisify him . When he was with his friends Ithought was ok and I knew some of the parents , they ended up doing all sorts of drugs , snorting pain pills , drinkin cough syrup, takin diet pills to get high , , taking hand fulls of cold pills jsut to get high . I could have lost him so many times . Thank God I didnt , I could have lost y home and custody of my youngest daughter had I not been the one to call the police on him (which was the hardest thing I have ever had to do ) I have suffered mental and emotional abuse from him . His little sister is afraid of him and dont want him around half the time. He moved out for 2 months bc he didnt like my rules and we argued all the time then realized he couldnt make it on his own and out there he almost lost everything again . He hs been back for almost a yr and no where to go now. HE did get his GED and his license. Now he wants to run my vehicle in the ground sayin he is goin to apply for a job but dont. Lies about everything where he is goin or its none of my business . I think it is if he lives in my home and he uses my vehicle but I cant even trust him with that bc of the lies. So he needs to move out due to my situation (which is not his fault but its allowed us to have a home since he was young and I left his father) I cant lose what I have nor do I want to lose my child either. I guess if you dont know waht to do with your child get help and dont hesitate to talk to the law if you dont know the laws on teens bc I am so glad that I did what I did.

Carol - posted on 01/26/2010

9

1

0

As an afterthought, I thought I should let you know that my two oldest have finished post HS education programs, and youngest is still college bound. One more year! So letting up a little doesn't hurt so much. We have a HUGE tradition we started for our boys, rewarding them from being drug, alcohol and tobacco free. On their 21st birthday the "award" we have chosen is presented. Sadly, only our youngest will not be a recipient. He did have a bout with trials, but I am satisfied we do not have a habit. Keep the doors open! (and keep your eye on the bigger prize!)

Carol - posted on 01/26/2010

9

1

0

Dear Leslie, Being a mom of three boys aged 25, 22 and 17 .......I can tell you that the sleepovers are required social events for this day and age. You must allow your son to be a participant of the "group" whomever they are and at his age if you want to avoid common problems when they move out or go to college you must excersize this social skill while he is at home and you can monitor. I required my son's to have the hosting parent call me so I could verify that there was in fact a parent on site, and making sure no one leaves the house to go off on other adventures. This comes into play when they are driving their own cars or their friends are. My policy, you may have sleepovers, but I must talk to the parents, they must understand that MY CHILD may not leave the house once there, with anyone, for any reason, and I also require he be home by noon the next day. (Not for the first few since they stay up all night) .but after asking how the night went, I get a good idea of what goes on where, this is invaluable info later. I also do not allow two consecutive sleepovers. At this point if it is SO IMPORTANT to have a sleepover, we will host it. That usually stops all whining. Also, if nobody knows the parents phone number, I often get the desired result by telling them they may go, but I must get a phone call from the parent on premesis from the parents phone shortly after they arrive. (then you get the number) Clarify with the parents what you expect, and there should be no problem, but really this is an excersize in independance. The kids WILL sneak out if they can, if they are going to experriment, they will, better to establish trust and make sure they dont fear you so much that they wont turn to you in crisis. You can't avoid all of the world. better get your feet wet!

Kimberly - posted on 01/26/2010

33

34

0

my kids started having sleep overs at our plaace and going to others' places at 6 and my step daughter started at 4 once she was in preschool.

unless you do not trust your child, his friends, or the parents of the house he wants to go to I can't see why you would not let him.

he should be spreading his wings and finding his independence and learning how to be responcible and trustworthy while out of parents sight / reach.

I understand teens are stupid at times and fall under peer pressure and it is dangerous in today society but really he deserves that right to mess up and learn and/ or prove himself to be what you expect and hope.

I say time to cut the apron strings and pray for the best you have done all you can do in teaching how to be out in the world . he is going to have to do it sometime. better now where there is still some supervision than when he is at a college dorm and everything goes and no real rules.

Maureen - posted on 01/26/2010

8

5

0

I just asked this question to my 21 yo son. He chuckled he said thats simple. They obviously can get away with something over there that they can't at your house.
Like actually not even being there.

Lori - posted on 01/26/2010

4

16

0

Strictly my take on this now...My daughter, 14, thinks she she'd be able to schedule her self out the door come Friday after school! We battle with the sleep overs and my thing is I want her here!! I had a parent make a half sarcastic remark to me about me never letting her stay over there. I understood how they felt but I work afternoons m-f and the only time I see her is on the weekends. It is important that before we let them sleep over that we know the friends parents well. Know they understand our boundries for our kids and respect them. Once that is established and think it is a fair request to take turns. I really think this every weekend thing is out of control. We have adopted the Friday night sleepover instead of Saturday night, as not to ruin our whole weekend. At least on Fridays if they are up all night it won't ruin the entire weekend. I thought my kids would want to hang at our house but I was wrong. They always want to be the ones to leave too. I found out that most teens are like this. Even my kids friends would rather be at our house when my daughter wants to be at theirs. Maybe you should find out what he finds so attractive or interesting over at his buddys! It's a start. good luck.

Nic - posted on 01/26/2010

1

16

0

I kind of think that 17yrs old is kind of old enough for sleep overs..... i ahve a 14yr old and we have decided no more sleepovers for awhile as other parents have been way too slack........

[deleted account]

why do you trust his firend at your home and not your son at his? Why do you not trust him. these are some quetions to think about. He is 17 almost able to be on his own why is it that you fear?

Jennifer - posted on 01/25/2010

10

21

1

As long as you know his friends are good kids and the parents are ok whats the big deal? Im sure if its the same friend or friends that might stay over your house wonder why he cant hang out at theirs. You know I remember when I was a kid I had friends at my house but I spent the night at ytheirs too because it was so fun. I only couldnt spend the night at one friends house cause her parents were bad.

Anne - posted on 01/25/2010

31

4

12

same as Anne - Marie - what is it that worries - every weekend in my house one son or another is at a friends house or someone elses friend is here! Best way of getting to know your sons friends in my opinion.In these days of mobile phones it is easy enough to keep in touch with them!

Shannon - posted on 01/24/2010

172

3

13

If he ALWAYS has to stay at his friends, and they NEVER come and stay with you, that should be a red flag. Maybe those parents are more lenient, not home, out of town and the kids have the run of the house? I'd double check on things, and insist on getting to know the friends family, then make a decision after that.

Tawana - posted on 01/24/2010

3

9

0

It depends on a lot of things like if you have met the parents among other things.

Annmarie - posted on 01/24/2010

25

7

2

Gotta ask yourself why don't you want your son to sleep over a friends house- what is your concern?

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms