Sneaky teen wants quit sport

Kristina Marie - posted on 10/23/2012 ( 4 moms have responded )

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My daughter is 14 years old. A year ago she was caught sneaking out of the house, sneaking people in when we were not home, she had a Facebook, Twitter, and a Skype account without our permission. She complains about us invading her privacy and checking her text messages, etc. She is terrible at picking friends and is easily persuaded by her peers. We told her if she wants a boyfriend that we have to meet them first.



What is frustrating is that she is an awesome softball player who made the high school softball team as an 8th grader. Most recently she tried out and made a highly competitive softball team in which college recruiters seek players for their college teams.



However, recently she has talked about quitting and that she is bored with the sport. Our concern is that she wants more time to hang out with her friends. We are against her quitting because we are looking for her to connect with friends on her new team. Her current friends are not invovled in any extracurricular activity. In addition, I found out that she does have a boyfriend.



All this sneaking around and lying is worrying us and we feel that her idea of dropping something she is good at and who dreamed of going to the Olympics to play softball (which that was her dream 2 months ago) have now changed????? We feel that we need to keep her in more structured activities.



Any thoughts, comments, etc.????

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♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 10/23/2012

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Ok, well, the up front way to handle this is:



1) SHE tried out. SHE was put on the team. SHE made the initial commitment, and needs to live up to her word. She is a member of a team, and that team depends on her. Make her finish the season. It's the adult thing to do, after all, and she wants to be treated as an adult, right?



2) Don't try to restrict her friends. Instead, personally invite each and every one of them to your house to interact with you and your family. Trust me, the ones who don't hang out with her much after, or that refuse the invitation will be the ones to keep an eye on.



3) Keep monitoring her online activity. YOU are responsible for her actions until she's 18, unless the court system removes her from your care. If she's got a problem with that, then tough. She can apply through the courts for emancipation (which I've never seen them grant a 14 yo)



4)Remind her that any criminal activity will not only see HER In court, but YOU as her parent, and YOU will be held responsible. Let her know that you won't be pleased to be held responsible for a teenager who won't accept personal responsibility nor live up to commitments that she makes.



5)Remind her that YOU LOVE HER, and that you would like to have more open communication, and a more adult relationship, which would allow her more freedom (as she earns it)



6)Remember that raising teenagers has been proven to be an experience that you can survive! Take some time off for yourself. Then treat her to a "mom and me" day that is completely stress free. Make any stressful topics of conversation off limits. No friends, no boyfriends, nothing that will add to the stress. Just enjoy each other for a day together, whether it's spa day, or a day at the batting cage.

Rhonda - posted on 10/23/2012

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The lure of being accepted by her friends have become more important than her personal desires. This is normal of teens during this time. We all are given the choice during high school to either choose moving forward with our own identity and risk being ridiculed or ostracised or conform to what our peer groups say is important. You must come up with a way to get her to see that she is valuable and worthwhile without the acceptance of her "friends". Take her to see the benefits of staying with her softball dream. Arrange for her to meet someone who found success through sports that she could talk to. Soemone that will talk about determination and give her tips on how to avoid the temptations of misguided friends. Also, she might need somebody she feels comfortable with to talk to her about her feelings and fears. She must understand that although these friends are fun now, 5 years from now they will be in the same place, doing the same things. She must desire more for her life. She is more valuable than that. Ask her about her goals, education, career plans, etc. Four years go by fast, if she wastes her time, she can miss out on great opportunities later down the road.

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♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 10/25/2012

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What does she mean "not good"? Because the other girls have more skill than she does (She thinks?)



Because, honestly, it's a sport. It takes practice. Just because she was tops on her old team, and is not on the new team, it's because the new team is a more experienced team, and she needs to get up to snuff!



Sounds like she thought it would be the same as her old team, and she's not happy about the extra effort that's required to be on the elite team! But, still, she made the commitment, she needs to stick it out. At least for this season

Kristina Marie - posted on 10/24/2012

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I talked with her more last night. She said she is not "good" like the other girls.



Because of her 'sneakiness' and lying. She has time restrictions on her phone. She cannot text after a certain hour unless it is a family member. I know she thinks we are too overprotective, but she has given us numerous reasons not to trust her. She is slowly earning it back, but we keep finding things out and put her back on restriction.

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