So confused and torn

Cindy - posted on 11/13/2015 ( 11 moms have responded )

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I have been married to my husband since 2010 so for the last six years he's been a step dad to my kids. Now they are 14(girl)/10(boy)

My daughter and my husband do not get along at all my daughter claims the reason why she does not like him she doesn't like the way he talks to her treats her and she feels that he has bullied me recently she told me that she had thoughts of suicide and she told one of her friends at school so she was sent to the hospital and evaluated and I let her stay the weekend with my mom just give her a cooling off period she came home and then a few days later she had another episode where she called the cops on herself because she said she felt like harming herself she is stated as long as I stay with my husband she does not want to live with me so me as a mother I'm very torn of what to do I've always been brought up by my family that your kids always come first so I have made the decision to temporarily move out of mine and my husbands home and get my own apartment so I'm establishing a safe environment for my daughter but the twist of it is my son loves my husband they get along great but over the past 6 years there's been a lot of emotional and verbal abuse and it is definitely taking a toll my husband knows how I feel and he's aware of that I'm looking for my own apartment he's very heartbroken over it and he's trying to come up with every angle for me not to leave that at this point I feel torn of what to do my daughter is getting ready to go to counseling and I have sign up for Counseling for me and my husband but he is told me last night that once I go out that door that it's over I have expressed to him even though we live apart it doesn't mean I want a divorce I feel that I have to take a step back look at the whole picture and try to get Counseling for him and I to fix our situation.

My husband is convinced that even if I move out and get my own place my daughter is still good to be the way she is I have sat down and had talks with my daughter and ask her is it just my husband or would it be any guy that you would like and she said its just my husband I firmly believe when kids are crying out you need to listen to their cries kids act the way they do for reasons.

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Stephanie - posted on 11/15/2015

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That's exactly what I'm saying..I may be way off base in some people's eyes on what a comment but to others it might be on point..just have to respect each other's opinions and give your advice to the person asking the question..it doesn't do them any good if people are bickering on here about who's right or who's wrong..if from this point on someone doesn't appreciate my voice and decides they want to analyze my post I won't respond cause it's taking away from the person who's asking for help..I will respect others the same way

Raye - posted on 11/13/2015

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Is the girl's father not in the picture?
If your husband is a bully and verbally abusive, then you should separate and take both children with you. If he really wants to change and have you in his life, then he should commit to getting family counseling and work toward things getting better. If he holds on to the idea that "once you leave, it's over," then take that as a sign that he's too selfish to be a good husband/father and file for divorce. At the very least, your daughter should be in counseling to get through these feelings driving her to self-harm.

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Cindy - posted on 11/18/2015

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No he's not her father, yes he had been verbally abusive to me in front of my kids. have asked him not to argue with me in front of my kids, he still did it, had told me once I leave it's over. Me and my daughter are in counseling. I told My husband a week ago I was going to therapy and I wanted him to come, then told him 24hrs before I went solo he was battling a cold didn't feel well, he says he'll make next one!! I just got approved for an apt and he's been trying to find roommates for the house I'm moving out of he left last night at 8:00pm finally came home at 3:30-4:00 am. And other shady stuff

Cindy - posted on 11/18/2015

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No he's not her father, yes he had been verbally abusive to me in front of my kids. have asked him not to argue with me in front of my kids, he still did it, had told me once I leave it's over. Me and my daughter are in counseling. I told My husband a week ago I was going to therapy and I wanted him to come, then told him 24hrs before I went solo he was battling a cold didn't feel well, he says he'll make next one!! I just got approved for an apt and he's been trying to find roommates for the house I'm moving out of he left last night at 8:00pm finally came home at 3:30-4:00 am. And other shady stuff

Stephanie - posted on 11/15/2015

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Yes agreed it should be looked into..I tried to give both sides a voice and that's all..my daughters friend came to my home after a fight with her step dad and it was physical and I called the police so I don't for one second condone a grown man hurting a child..but sometimes children do things to step parents just because they really aren't accepting of their mother or father paying attention to anyone but them..I have a blended family so I know it's not easy, I just wanted her to see a different perspective that's what asking for advice is...doesn't mean I'm right or wrong just means I'm giving her something to think about that maybe she didn't see..

Stephanie - posted on 11/15/2015

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I gave my thoughts on this situation cause I lived a similar one and everything isn't always black and white..I didn't join this forum to get into pissing matches as to whether people think my thoughts are right or wrong..if you don't think my thoughts were right then you give your advice..I don't appreciate being analyzed or put on the spot for mine..if you think how you broke down my comments was clever then bravo for you..just stick to giving your advice and not worry about what other people offer on there's..this is an open forum right? If you have walked a mile in my shoes judge away if not..don't

Stephanie - posted on 11/15/2015

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This not an easy situation..because I don't know you personally and this could be one of two things...either your daughter is jealous and wants you to herself and is creating all this drama or your husband is really being mean to her and it's causing her to act this way..if you leave your husband and he really is a good man your going to lose someone that you can spend the rest of your life with..your child is almost of age and when she decides to go move out on her own you will be left without a husband that possibly is not a monster and that you could of been happy with for the rest of your life...but if he is that bad and getting away helps her then you have a happy young adult..most kids don't threaten physical harm to themselves Unless something terrible is going on or they are playing a game with you, why don't you take some time to really look at the situation and maybe get your daughters father to take her for awhile and see if it helps her and you can maybe work on your marriage..this is a very sensitive situation and your in the middle I feel for you..sometimes you just have to realize though that no matter what you choose someone is gonna lose in this situation and it's usually the mom who's in the middle..bless you

Gaynor - posted on 11/14/2015

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i got a similar problem its still ongoing but its my sons who don't like their dad
i also got married in 2010 but to my sons father (he left in 1999 and met another woman and had a kid and he left her in 2004 and we got back together in 2009) my sons are 25,23,16 my 25yo left home , my 23 yo has depression and he really doesn't get on with his dad and often had fights in the house which was mostly because of my husband's fault (he had a problem with the whiskey but hasn't drank it for a year) . my 16 yo has behavioural and learning difficulties and i am his carer and he beginning to hate his dad as well. i cannot afford counseling and i live in a council property which i hold the tenancy as i haven't put my husband name on it and i don't know if i can ask him to leave but i am looking into this , so i cannot leave but i have made the living room my temporary bedroom for now until i can get help for the both of us or and just like you i have had emotional abuse .
i am glad you talked to your daughter but i think you both need to talk more but away from home , can you take time out for you and your daughter to go away and sort out a way that you both can live together
i wish i could give you the answer or advise you need as i am looking for advise myself

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