Step-Parenting Discipline, when is it too far?

JoAnn - posted on 01/21/2015 ( 15 moms have responded )

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My husband recently grabbed my 13 year old by the neck and left bruises on him. He also slammed him to the ground. This was because my 13 year old son punched a hole in the wall out of anger toward him. He has 3 children by his ex, but when his children come over he rarely disciplines them. They are disrespectful and have said things to him personally like "I hate you" and "Our mom's boyfriend is a better dad than you". They post things on Facebook when they are mad at him and will throw anyone under the bus if they don't get their way. My 13 year old son has lost respect for my husband because he sees how his kids treat him and he lets them. Yet, my son can have the 13 year old attitude (that most preteens have) and all hell breaks loose. Was my husband in the right to do what he did? I have never, and would never put my hands on his kids and told him that he has no right to put his hands on mine. I am now separated from my husband and he blames everything on my son and takes no responsibility in his own faults. Can our marriage ever work when he says he hates my son and doesn't think he'll ever be able to forgive him? I struggle with this when his own, blood related children act the way they do.

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♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 01/23/2015

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He's a bully, and needs to be prosecuted for assault, at the very least.

You're right to separate yourself from him. He abused your son. Granted, your son needs to learn some anger management as well, but you can work on that now that you're not putting him in the path of an abuser.

File charges, and start paperwork for divorce.

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Victoria - posted on 01/27/2015

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I agree with others that said your husband committed assault. Your son is a 13 year old child and while he needs to be disciplined for his behavior, I feel sorry for him. Can you imagine being in a home where an adult man is waiting like a rabid animal to pounce on you, hates you and blames everything on you? Your son must be so hurt and angry. Most kids want to be accepted and loved and adults should behave like adults, no matter who had the egg or the sperm? I hope things work out for you and I hope your son does not suffer further. Your husband cannot forgive him? I think your son should be trying to find a way to forgive him?

Trisha - posted on 01/27/2015

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So, he is only physical with the male teenager? He is still the adult in the situation, and that is still not appropriate.
I hope you have stayed separated in the meantime, until he agrees to come to terms with this anger.

Katie - posted on 01/26/2015

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JoAnn, I too am a Step Parent and understand not wanting to cause waves with your spouse, however the discipline of your child should be handled by you. I understand that should you be absent of the situation that your husband, his step father would should address... but the falls very short of physical contact.

If your child isn't fully trusting that you have his best interests at heart then there will eventuallly be a deeper problem.... he will begin to think he is lesser value to you than your spouse.

I guess the question is, do you want to be in an abusive relationship (physically and emotionally) ? This isn't about how he treats his children, but what kind of treatment you and your child are receiving.

JoAnn - posted on 01/26/2015

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You are correct. We do not live with him as of right now, and I do not know what the future holds. I believe people can change, but only if they WANT to change. I am working on me and my children. He will either do the same or not do the same and in the end lose everything.

Raye - posted on 01/26/2015

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You don't need a man in your home that is a ticking time bomb, not knowing when he will go off again. He needs help. Sorry that you can't cut ties completely with him, but do what is best for your children. You daughter will be better off with one good parent (and visitation with her father, if that's what's arranged) than to have to live in fear.

JoAnn - posted on 01/26/2015

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Raye, thank you. My son is currently getting counseling. I cannot completely get my husband out of my life, we have an 8 month old daughter. My husband was very young when he had his children and his relationship with his ex is extremely immature. He has to get counseling and admit his wrong doing before I'll go back. He has anger issues and hopefully God can get him to see this.

Raye - posted on 01/26/2015

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Your husband needs to learn how to discipline children, his own and yours if you stay with him. That kind of violence is not acceptable. If your husband now hates your son and can't forgive him, then maybe your relationship is beyond repair. He needs to see that his actions were wrong. He (and maybe your son, too) needs counseling.

You should remain separated from him until he can get the help he needs to behave properly with a child, or, if he refuses help, then follow through on getting him completely out of your life.

Trisha - posted on 01/22/2015

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JoAnn, I would be tempted to take my son in to the police and press assault charges. Seeing this, I am sure you can understand there are probably reasons own his children dislike your husband.
Your 13 year old will go through times of disrespect, regardless of what he sees go on around him. He IS a teenager after all.
My husband and I have had to deal with this for the last few years, and it is NOT easy.
It is NOT going to get easier. Not with your husband. Not with your child. It is going to get worse, and if he is going to do this to a 13 year old???? What do you think is going to happen next. No child should have to live in fear of physical violence.

Yasmine - posted on 01/21/2015

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i'm sorry but this is awful. Violence on a child is so so wrong. If anyone ever touched my daughter I don't know what i'd do but my mummy bear side would defo come out! Slamming him to the ground? I just can't get over this post. Your son is well within his rights to talk to the school and get social workers involved. He hates your son? He is only 13! Again, sorry to repeat myself but I just cant believe this.

Trisha - posted on 01/21/2015

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Violence is never the right solution. He certainly wasn't setting a good example being violent to your child, in a fit of anger, while dealing with your child throwing a fit of anger.

Trisha - posted on 01/21/2015

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Why would you want to make it work if he is willing to lay hands on your child?
Just so we are clear - this is an act of abuse, not discipline.

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