Stepfather and teenage son

Christine - posted on 08/18/2009 ( 9 moms have responded )

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So much conflict between the two of them... Husband blames my son for everything and my son acts out to make husband mad and then I am in the middle between the two of them. IT is a nightmare that I am tired of! Any advice????

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Vicki - posted on 03/02/2014

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My love of 3 years and I are at odds and probably ending our relationship over our parenting issues. My son is now 18, gets straight A's, and has never been in trouble. But my boyfriend insists he doesn't see him in the same light. He's very critical and judgmental of just about everything. My son works out a lot and would check his muscles out in the mirror a lot. That pissed him off. He's said he's just not my kind of kid. That's insulting and hurtful to me. My son has an iphone that his sister bought and pays for monthly. That pisses him off. He needs to earn his things not be handed them, he's never gonna know how to earn a buck. He's not a golden child, he's not special. And in a last vicemail he said I hate him even more now that he's split us up. Which leads me to believe that he's had it out for him all along. He says he's lazy and doesn't do a damnd thing around the house. He's a long haul truck driver and not home but 3 days a week. How does he know what he does or doesn't do. My son and I had or have our own way of doing things and I believe that it should remain that way. It just hurts to know that he has such distain and animosity towards him. My boyfriend always has to feel like he's the man of the house. And im wondering if he's jealous of him or what. I wish I would have seen the signs sooner than now. He see's no need to apologize for what he says, and says it's just the way he's hard wired. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr just don't get it. They have no relationship. My son leaves when he's home just to avoid the tension. So at a loss, want to understand how my boyfriend thinks. This all coming from a man who never graduated from high school, was in or out of Juvenile hall, A alcoholic bar brawling short tempered over testosterone filled male. Sorry for the ranting, just so hurt and frustrated. Never met anyone that didn't like my son. Sorry again and none of this may make sense im soooooo venting.

Char - posted on 08/19/2009

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Hey Christine,
I too have a spouse/teenage son issue. I do all the disciplining of the children as they are biologically mine. It's not fair to ask your husband or expect him to do that, nor is it fair to your son to have your husband step in. It's true- he isn't the father. I know in a perfect world both parents should be setting boundaries, but stepfamilies do not work that way. My husband's role in our family is more that of a positive role model. He does praise our teenagers when they do well. He talks to them respectfully and caringly. He is genuinely interested in what is going on in their lives. He does back me up when I set boundaries, but the children know that isn't his role. Heaven help them however if they try to pull a fast one over on stepdad and mom finds out! He has also earned their respect- and I expect nothing less from them. Good luck, hang in there.

Shelly - posted on 08/18/2009

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Christine,

First off you and your husband need to sit down and get on the same parenting page...Then you both can go after the behavior of your son he had no buisness disrespecting you husbandand for you to get into the middle of them is wrong. The two of them are going to have to work things out. But before that can happen the two of you needs to be on the same page!!! So take some time for you and your husband to talk this through and then sit you son down and lay down the law about the disrespect he is showing towards your husband...This is not something that you can take lightly because the relationships you have with the both of them will suffer so go take care of buisness and let us know how it goes!!!

User - posted on 08/19/2009

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I agree with most of the people who have responded. My son and my husband now get along sooo much better once we were more supportive of each other as parents and I stopped getting being in the middle. I do all the discipline and was able to establish with my husband what chores and behaviors he felt strongly about. It took a long time to finally stop fighting each other and things are sooo much better. Hang in there.

Kristin - posted on 08/18/2009

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Counselling. I was raised in step families and it is very, very hard. Try to be the one to discipline more so your husband doesn't always have to be the bad guy and then on some personal items (dating, friends, school - stuff that involves your son but not your household) you should be making the decisions and setting the limits. Your husband can back you up when you dole out punishments but those things are really between you and your son. He isn't the father. But since I don't know the entire situation it really is hard to say. How old was your son when you got married? Where is his father? Also, remember that all teenagers hate their parents no matter the situation and very often the father disciplines and the kids act out and mom is always stuck in the middle trying to be the voice of reason. So some of this behavior may have to do with being a teenager and not have to do with being a step family. Good luck to you. Keep us posted.

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Monica - posted on 08/20/2009

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I feel you. Wish i had the answer.My husband loves my son, but he has a hard time showing it. He talks about him all the time though. On top of that, we also have his two daughters.I love them and all i can say is it's interresting! The best advice i can give is you be the one to disciplin your son. That way there is no anamosity.

Elizabeth - posted on 08/20/2009

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I can sympathize with the nightmare part! However, my husband adopted my son when he was 9 (he will be 14 in a few months) and we have no contact with bio dad. I have the same problems, and I finally sat them both down and told them they were either going to work it out or not, but that I was done being in the middle. It's REALLY hard to step back and not try to fix what I see going wrong, but doing this also gave them space to make mistakes and fix them together....just the two of them...without my interference. I spend so much time in prayer for the two of them it's a wonder I get anything done some days...lol...We still have a long road ahead of us, but we just go step by step and day by day.

Judy - posted on 08/19/2009

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This is a LONG LONG rode. My brother is 36 and My Mom still has the same issues w/ Step- father and son. Our step father has been in our lives for over 20 years now. WE LOVE him like our bio. father.. if not way more! But It is very difficult for a Son to adjust. Your his MOM... its so unnatural for him (your son) to see his mom w/ someone else other than his dad! Time.. time... and lots of love and compassion....and many many prayers! they will be answered! promise! good luck!

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