Taking care of a parent

Rose - posted on 06/26/2017 ( 3 moms have responded )

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This is my dilemma--I have been a great single mom to my two boys for the last 17 YRS. They are now 19 and 21. My 21 year old developed paranoid schizophrenia and borderline personality disorder at 16 in 2012. We were a very close loving family before this, but once he got sick he became violent (he destroyed the house, he beat me up on four occasions where police were called and he was brought to the hospital, he attacked his younger brother twice), he stole from us, he threatened suicide every night. This was all while he was on meds and under the care of a psychiatrist and therapist (I tried several). Finally in 2014 he fought with his younger brother and tried to stangle him when the cops came to bring him to the hospital he attacked them. He was removed from my home to live with his grandparents until he pushed my dad a month later he was 18 now and refused to go for any help. When I suggest he see someone he went into a homeless shelter. I developed high blood pressure, diabetes, irritable bowel syndrome, very painful fibromyalgia and major depressive disorder. In addition I was struggling with 3 sleep disorders--sleep apnea, idiopathic hyper sleep disorder (I can literally sleep 17 hours out of 24, so I am always exhausted) and narcolepsy. I have been to every kind of doctor and I take the highest dosage of stimulants to stay awake. I also had several procedures on my back and neck this year for my debilatating arthritis (I cannot stand for longer than a few minutes and I pulled out my leg and fell in April while walking up stairs. I cannot take any medicines for my pain or muscle relaxers because they counteract my medicine to stay awake. I also have a heart condition and asthma for which i was hospitalized for twice this year and absent from work one week every other month totaling 4 wks this year. I am only 57 and a half and I have been working this whole time with all my pain which is has been beyond difficult. But I cannot do it anymore. My body is breaking down. My diabetes & blood pressure have gotten worse because I do not have the time to take care of myself. I use all my strength to go to work and when I come home I am shaking from all the pain and iam exhausted from my sleep disorders so I eat take out and go to bed immediately to get my 12 hrs in to be able to go to work and I still sometimes fall asleep on the job which is terrifying. So my once impeccable house is deplorable. I struggle to stay awake to pay my bills and do anything else and I sleep for most of the weekend because of my sleep issues. I work as a teachers aid so I do not make alot of money but enough to just pay the bills and I have been cutting corners for the last 17 yrs. I only get a haircut once a year. So finally here is the problem since I can no longer work I can apply for social security disability but after alot of research and speaking to lawyers I 99% will have to wait 2 to 3 yrs before I see a penny because iam only 57 not 62. Then the lawyer gets 25% of any retro monies but the GOVT has a waiting period of 6 MOS that i get nothing. I will only make $13,000.00 a yr before taxes which is below the poverty level. I now make $40,000.00 before taxes which is low. The average salary is 70,000.00. I went to my union to ask about disability retirement I have 12 yrs in but iam not retirement age of 62. They asked if I was dying if I had stage 4 cancer they said it is very hard to get disability retirement unless I was terminal but i could try. We are not talking about a lot of money it would be around $12,000.00 a yr before taxes and my regular pension would be around $5,000.00 a yr before taxes. I have called at least ten people and they all told me the same thing.
My 19 yr old offered to get a construction job in April (he did not want to go to college and this is the field he wants to work in). His friends father was going to get him in. That did not work because he left,15 yrs ago and does not have the same connections so my son applied they only need 200 people out of 2,000 and the interviews start in Oct Nov. So I began to panic I only get paid thru august and if my son does not get a job we will lose everything. Do not misunderstand I feel miserable that he has to work to pay the household bills and I will contribute once I get ss or my pension which is not alot. He now has a part time job at which he works to pay for his car insurance and he has been working more hrs but since the full time construction job did not pan out yet which pays about 28,000.00 with benefits he will need to find a 2nd part time job to keep us afloat asap. The issue is he is not doing all he can to get this 2nd job I offered to help. Then he gets mad at me and says when I get those 2 jobs I will be so stressed I will have no life I can't go out with my friends. I feel bad for him and only want him to be happy but since I am not well and cannot work I donot want us to lose everything. I have no one else to help us. Iam now the horrible mother his friends and their parents tell him so a familY friend called me told me I cannot depend on him he is only 19 and iam a bad mother. They warn me he will leave me because I am giving him too much pressure. I have told them it kills me that i need him to work and iam trying everything to get some money quickly but it will take at least 2 yrs before i get any money what i do get is not enough for me to live independently i will never be able to pay the bills alone my son and I will have to do it together. All this fighting with my son and hearing all this negative stuff has left me so depressed I sleep all day and the stress causes my fibromyalgia to flare and leave me bed ridden as well. I do not shower often, brush my teeth, I cannot stay awake long enough to pay bills, etc. I have become suicidal because my life is a mess and iam destroying my sons, he is better off without an anchor for a mother he will be better off without me. I was a great mom until i got so debilatated and can no longer work or do practically anything. The only reason I am still here is because I have 3 birds and 2 old dogs who I love if I cannot find them good homes I cannot put them down my son couldn't take care of them and he does not want the birds. The other reason is if I take sleeping pills I most likely still live but only throw up alot and iam chicken to use another method. The last part of this saga is last night my son wanted to take off work tuesday to go to great adventure with his friends and he has gone over their house and slept over at least twice this past week instead of actively trying to find a job (right now he may fill out an application once every four days and go to a new place twice a week). I have told him numerous times get the 2nd job first or show me you are really looking then you can go with your friends getting a job is the priority but then he goes into how more stressed he will be once he has that 2nd job and he will not have time for his friends. Which I understand and the thought gets me depressed iam only happy when he is happy but at the same time it will totally destroy me if we lose everything. So last night i asked him dont you think it is more important to find a job, we are in crisis time is running out i will not have an income by august.
He then called me a monster, said I do not care about him and how everyone has asked him how he lives with terrible me and why he does not leave, we do not have a relationship anymore, he hates me, he threatened to leave, he called me sick, etc, etc. I told him I love him, I care about him i am just terrified and I suggested therapy I said we have to work together as a team and set these people straight who should have not been involved to begin with he rolled his eyes I said come you were to call a friend about a job call before it gets later. Then I lost it and said I am deteroriating, i am getting sicker i cannot get out of bed and if you do not want to work as a team and set this straight I will call 911 and have you removed and you can never come back so I called he called his friends parents who rushed over to rescue him from me. The cops came he took his clothes and left. The cops told me it is alot of pressure for him I agreed but I told them I am trying very hard and I do not want this but what are we to do. He texted me today and said he does not want to lose me or the dogs and he will go for therapy but he is going to great adventure and taking off of work definatetly tomorrow and probably today. No mention of finding a job.

Please tell me what I can do to keep my son and our home and be happy again or is it impossible?

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Pennyroy61 - posted on 06/29/2017

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I am with Tracy. My only suggestion is that you begin to work on a relationship with Jesus Christ. I was in a completely hopeless and desperate place in my life when i did that myself and giving my life and my problems over to Him began a change in my life that continues today. I am the daughter of a mother who committed suicide and I can tell you that my one regret is that no one pointed her towards Christ and the healing that only He can bring. Please consider praying, picking up a Bible and reading it regularly and finding a church to attend and become a part of-not to use them to meet your needs but to gain friendships and godly counsel. I will be praying for you Rose and may you find the help you need from Jesus in your time of trouble as I did.

Jtcampe3 - posted on 06/28/2017

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Rose, I am so sorry you are in the situation. Do you have a church home or pastor that you know that you can reach out to for help? Any family in your life that you can reach out to? I want you to know that suicide is not the answer for sure and please don't think that is your only way out. I am a person of faith and I know that God loves you! This link
http://www.focusonthefamily.com/lifechal...
is to a reputable counseling service who will offer you a free counseling session. I know that your life has been difficult and hard, but there is always hope. Please click on this link and give them a call. I will be praying for you, Rose!

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