Teen and Stepdad relationship. Need input.

Patty - posted on 09/26/2011 ( 7 moms have responded )

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My husband and I have been married 9 years. I have two sons, ages 16 and 18. The 18 year old has started college but lives at home. Both boys are very bright, kind -- good kids. I am struggling with their relationship with my husband. He is extremely demanding of them, shows them no respect and and verbally nasty with them about the smallest details. It has gotten progressively worse over the years. Sometimes he is kind to them, but you never know what will set him off. With me and everyone else he is wonderful -- another person. I am so completely discouraged. I have tried all I know. He refuses therapy -- indiivdual or family. I really think he suffers from anxiety. Feel so stuck. My oldest can put things in perspective, though he shouldn't have to. Youngest does not. Always a battle. Any advice?

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Dea - posted on 09/30/2011

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Hey lady, they don't have to fight ever… It is very asphyxiating for everybody. Why don't you rent an apartment for the kids? They have to leave sometime in the future, must as well do it right now…with the money you spend in their own place, you are buying peace of mind, you will have your own husband for you to enjoy 100% and kids will need to emancipated sooner that later, I left my house at 15 because I couldn't stand my OWN father, and now I have a have been married to my husband and he fights a LOT with his own son, not with mine. We facilitated everything for them to be out of this 5 bedroom home! It feels empty and big, but, everybody is happy, the kids are in college and every time that we see them, is peace and love. And I enjoy my husband 100% of the time.

Carolyn - posted on 09/26/2011

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Kids are your forever..your husband knew when he married you , you came with a package..Maybe you just need to rethink the importance of life...Kids ~Vs~husband? Sounds cold huh.. I have been there for 18 yrs..I chose my kids.

Patty - posted on 09/26/2011

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JuLeah -- They do fully understand that it is not about them. They are also fully aware that it is not the type of relationship you want to have with anyone. It is still painful. Recently, he did (FINALLY) admit that he is partly to blame... that he had made wrong choices... but it is such a slow process. They boys have already been through 2 divorces of their Dad's and they don't want another one. We are all trying to work together. I would like to feel less consumed by it, but I am not one to sit by and see this happen without intervening -- hopefully with a voice a reason. They (sons) have said that they think it would be better if I wouldn't intervene. Don't know. @Samantha, so sorry for your situation. I have often thought of leaving. At this point, the good still out weighs the bad. It could just be so much better and we could have a lovely family. Makes me very sad. Thank you for your support. I will keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers -- please do the same for me. I would never choose my husband over my children. I am with him because, it seems, to ultimately be the best thing for all concerned right now.

JuLeah - posted on 09/26/2011

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As long as your kids know it is him, not them. as long as they understand that he is making a choice for his own mixed up reasons.

If they don't understand he is making a chocie, they might assume this is how fathers interact with their kids and your future grandkids are going to pay

What your husband is doing is a choice, fully a choice. He can control it, he is aware he is doing it

For whatever reason, this is what he wants to do

He could have had a good relationship with your kids. He could have had two sons any father would be proud to have. They could have had a dad

It is sad really that he has done what he did

But, given their ages, and the fact that it has been 9 yrs. The damage has already been done, all you can do now is hope they understand it was not about them

Samantha - posted on 09/26/2011

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My position is similar to yours. I have found talking to my friend keeps me saine but am in turmiol of what to do. i have a 4 yr old girl to my current defacto partner of 9 yrs and a 14 yr old boy that was about 6 when we met. Ova the yrs the relationship between the boys have deterierated have tried time out for the two. Suggested councilling. Partner not interested its not him. Tried having a weeks holiday at my aunts in another state for him to have a break. He rang everynight so wasnt much of a break. I have tried reasoning that my son is a teenager give him a break you went through puberty. (Mind u my son is a very good boy he doesnt do drugs, drink or smoke he is respectful most of the time rairely back chats and does most of what i ask. I have read alot of posts on another ladies site about abuse in her home and most comments are if they wont admit they are at least partly to blame or at fault for their own behaviour, or agree to some form of councilling then there dont seem to be much hope. So my suggestion to u is to speak to ur husband and suggest family councilling for all of u then he may feel more inclined to do it seems it will not be just aimed at him. I have tried and tried ova the yrs but i have tonight come to the realisation that my man will not change and my poor son has endured abuse for a very long time and so have i because i always step in to stop it so he verbally abuses my. My little girl is so used to it that a week ago she sat on the lounge watching tv while my partner carried on for probably ova an hr at me and my son once i picked him up from work ova petty little stuff even afta the job was done he still went on. My son picked up his sister to take her to his room and copped more abuse so i had step in to stop it my son for the first time said he was scared of his step dad.Normally i will not talk to my partner for a bit after and he will be nice to my son till i talk to him again then he starts on paul again ova little stuff. Sarah most of the time cops none of this but ova the yrs he has also started on her. I always say my partner is like his mother, control freek cause while u do what they want when they want everthing is peachy but the minute u dont it all goes to shit. Ultimately in the end u have to do wat is write for you and ur kids. I am saying this because i am finally opening my eyes to what my son has endured and my daughter and myself and it is time for change. U may love ur husband but u need to think what is more important the longterm effects relationships can have on kids can be devastating. I had to have my councilled which he now says he doesnt need cause he talks to himself and his friends. Hopefully u can talk to ur partner and get some form of councilling for ur family. I hope your husband cares enough to do it and make an effort to change.

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