Teen daughter is distant and hateful

Kristin - posted on 12/15/2015 ( 7 moms have responded )

4

0

1

I adopted her and her sister when they were 6 and 7 years old. I am the only mother they have ever known. She was always a sweet, happy girl who always found the best in everyone. She was the most positive person I ever knew. Until....we let her get a job when she turned 16 years old. She doesn't have to work but she wanted to. I figured she is showing her independence and it would give her a chance for some more freedom. Well about a month after she started working, she came home and said that some boy that also works there, had written her a letter saying that she was beautiful and he wanted to get to know her a little better. So of course she texted him. She asked him how old he was and he said 23...she immediately responded back that they could never be anything more than co-workers ( I have an app that allows me to see her messages). I was proud of her and she also told me about it and promised to never talk with him on a personal level. Fast forward six months and I receive a text message from one of her basketball teammates that says that she is pregnant. I instantly freak out of course...we have always been open with her about sex and the dangers of sex, etc. When we asked her about the message she admitted that she had been sneaking out the house at night and talking with that 23 year old boy behind our backs for six months! She admitted that she had had sex 5 times and it was unprotected. Luckily, she was not pregnant! I of course called the cops, but I was told that 16 is the age of consent. I thought that 16 was the age of consent as long as the guy was no more than 3 years her senior but the officer said that he could be 80 years old and there was nothing we could do. We did a restraining order against the guy and it just so happened that our house was done being built so we moved 50 miles away. She had already been attending therapy to help her understand and accept her older sisters illness, so her therapist has started working with her on this as well. Its not working, she has been in therapy for over a year and nothing has improved. Actually, it is worse. I found a journal in her room where she says we are ruining her life and she cant wait until she is 18 years old and that we should give her unlimited freedom and allow her to see this guy. She also thinks that its all my fault and that her dad only gets onto her to make me happy (funny since I'm usually the one that gives in...her dad is hardcore strict). She also said that she could never have a mother daughter bond with me because I am not her real mom and that its not normal to remember the day that you met your mom. Very hurtful stuff! Now don't get me wrong, if he was a nice decent guy and we knew him and they had went about this a different way, by letting us get to know this guy, it may have turned out different. But, I personally think that a 23 year old guy is too old for her because they are on different maturity levels and they have different expectations. We took her phone and other privileges and basically told her that we are not naive enough to think that she would never have sex and that this is not about her having sex, but who it was with and most importantly, it was about the sneaking out, lying, and deceit for six months. She doesn't get it. Nothing we do seems to work she is pulling further and further away and she thinks that 18 is a magic number and everything will be perfect after that. I also think that she is thinking about running away or moving out. Also, I should say that the 23 year old was engaged and has a police record due to a problem with drugs. We did have her tested for drugs (hair, blood, and urine test) everything was negative. Please help!

This conversation has been closed to further comments

7 Comments

View replies by

Kristin - posted on 12/16/2015

4

0

1

She doesn't know I read her journal. Once I let her read the information that I received on him about how he lied about everything to her she no longer has an interest in him and she is actually dating a boy at her new school. I do feel that parents see through the BS when they meet their children's bf or gf. My daughter is upset with us not because of the boy anymore but because we won't allow her to have unlimited freedom. She does have some freedom...she hangs out with friends and goes on dates with this new boy and her curfew is 9pm on school nights and 11pm on weekends. The only thing we ask of her is let us know where she is going and who she is with and to be honest with us.Which is not a lot at all. What I was wanting from this post was how to help her understand that at 16 years old she doesn't get unlimited freedom and that freedom and trust go hand in hand and that even if she disagrees with our rules...they are still our rules and since she lives with us and we pay for everything the lest she can do is be respectful. I remember being 16 also, but I still knew right from wrong and of course i screwed up all kids do but when i chose to break the rules i accepted the consequences that i knew i would receive if caught. Sneaking out, lying, and being deceitful for six months and then still acting like you did nothing wrong and that your entitled to do what you want when you are 16 is not right. And no matter what anyone says...if I allowed my daughter to still be with a grown man who struggles with addiction...then that would make me a failure as a parent. I would never forgive myself if he had introduced her to methamphetamine. I know I was right about that.

Kristin - posted on 12/16/2015

4

0

1

Evelyn thank you for your input! I never said that he was on a higher maturity level. I simply stated that they were on different maturity levels. She is on a higher maturity level and he acts like he is about 14 years old. Yes I have forbidden her to have anything to do with him, but would you want your teen daughter hanging out with a 23 year old man who has battled drug addiction since he was 14 years old? Probably not! And I have met him because he did work with my daughter at my parents business. He is really sketchy, plus I made it my business to find out everything I could about him and he has a police record and everything that he told my daughter was a lie. He was just grooming her to get what he wanted.

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms