Teenage daughter and abusive friends

Ellen - posted on 10/29/2012 ( 3 moms have responded )

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I need some advice desperately. I have been dealing with a beautiful social teenage daughter that allows her friends to come to our house every weekend. The biggest problem is that she does not follow our rules as far as the number of girls to invite. We tell her 1 to 2 friends. Instead she invites 4 to 5 without discussing it with her parents. I drive the girls both ways to social functions and pay for fast food runs 75% of the time. My husband feels as though it is my responsiblity to enforce it. I always lay the guidelines down prior. The kids are just dropped off without my knowledge initially. At first I was ok with it but It is getting out of hand. Recently I blew up at the girls because I get sick and tired of picking up trails of mess everywhere. I had said several times to please pick up after yourselves and no one listened. This has caused major stress in my life. I am a full time nurse and I am exhausted entertianing like this. Help!

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Rhonda - posted on 10/29/2012

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I have a social butterfly too. With all children they look for and expect rules and guideline to follow when they are away from home. If those rules are not enforced immediately and consistantly, they are happy to ignore them. Once your child's friends see that the rules are relaxed at your house, it becomes the "party house", Nobody want to have the party house. You must enforce your rules. I realize that you love your daughter and want her and friends to be enjoy her childhood, but your time and peace of mind is valuable too. Please think of your own feelings and limitations, then stand by your rules. If it's 1 to 2 girls, hold to that. You can even pick your preferable friends that you what to visit. Instead of buying fast food, have your daughter plan a meal menu and have the girls help you make the meal before the party or activity. Talk to the other parents and set up a parenting group that take shifts with social transportation. Ellen, you must take back control of your child's social life, for your own sake. Good luck!!

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Barbara - posted on 10/30/2012

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The next time you have a group of your daughters friends 'dropped off' gather them all into the living room and tell them they will have to listen to you for five minutes or they can all get on their cell phones and call parents to come and pick them up. Explain that you love having them, they are great girls and you want your daughter and her friends to have a place to hang out and 'chill'. Then explain to them that they need to abide by your house rules about picking up their own messes, taking out the trash before they leave and they each need to bring a few dollars to help cover the cost of the food you provide. Go to the market, get two or three $5.00 pizza's a bag of chips and a couple of bottles of their favorite soda(s). When the food is gone, the movie is over, the girls go home, no if's or buts about it. Make sure that you explain to all of the girls that if they can't follow a few simple house rules, the party is over, and they won't be invited back. Make sure your daughter knows you are going to have this talk before they show up. Stop the fast food runs, the taxi service and putting up with teenagers who are forgetting their manners in your home. Give your daughter the heads up that the max number you will permit is (3,4,5??) and that you intend to send anyone home who exceeds that number, in as pleasant a way as possible. Teens talk among themselves, they want a place to go to be with all of their friends and it's just possible that your daughter doesn't want to hurt anyone's feelings by leaving them out. Let your daughter know that if she can't remind her friends to treat you and your home with respect that she will not be having these social activities at all. When all of the girls are present, make sure you get their parents cell numbers 'for emergencies'. Then let them know that anyone who can't accept these few, reasonable rules, will unfortunately be asked to leave. I'd bet their parents wouldn't put up with this nonsense.

Kristin - posted on 10/29/2012

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I would not allow friends over at all then since she is abusing that privledge. As for you paying for the food runs thats ridiculous and each girl should be paying their own way. Speak to the other girls parents as well. If the other girls are not respecting your house rules thasn they should not be allowed over. My 16 yr old son and his friends always clean up their messes and respect my house rules.

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