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Teens that are sexually active......

Tammy - posted on 03/11/2010 ( 12 moms have responded )

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Can you stop them? Do you think what you say about it matters? I thought I had it all straight in my head but I realize it is not the easiest subject to know about. I really don't think parents know all their childrens activities, it is not something that they feel you should know. And should you? Confused as to how much to know....about your kids.

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Diane - posted on 03/13/2010

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My kids are grown, now - one married and with no kids yet, one a freshman in college who hasn't yet had a boyfriend. My approach in general was one of respectful conversation rather than making rules. Although my most hard and fast rule was that they had to speak to me respectfully - I wasn't a softie, but I think parenting where you both are honest and respectful works best.

I also find it works best to listen first, and let them know you've heard. I also tried to warn them of what was around the pike; I told my kids, as they were entering adolescence, that it might be rocky, that they'd decide I was an idiot but it WOULDN'T BE TRUE. And that they'd think I stopped loving them, because we'd probably fight more, but that also, would never happen, and that this is how kids and parents can stand to separate.

Regarding sex and drugs, I was honest. I had been in several relationships before marriage, and don't think it's wrong. What I think is important is a) taking care of yourself, physically and emotionally. Not having meaningless sex because you're looking for love, which it isn't. And not exposing yourself to diseases or pregnancy or being used by someone who doesn't care about you. And b) being honest, not using someone else. I told my kids I didn't believe they had to be married to have sex, but that they DID have to love the person, and be honest with them, and treat them with respect. And, c) they had to have a plan about preventing pregnancy, and what they would do if that plan failed. When I knew my son was sleeping with his first girlfriend, I asked what they were doing (he was 17, a Junior. He loved her and she was like part of the family.) He said he didn't think that was really my business (he wasn't nasty, just saying what he thought. He thought he was all grown up). I said I disagreed, because if she got pregnant it would affect my life rather dramatically, and I'd be helping take care of a baby of two teenagers (which I would have done. I would've been pouting, though. . .) He got that, and told me she was getting Depo Provera. They later split up,and he married his secong girlfriend, has a job and a house, and is thinking about providing me with a grandchild. Woo hoo!

I'd talk to them about how, when you're a teenager, it's normal to be insecure because you're just figuring out who you are as an adult, and it can be lonely, and sex can seem like sort of an oasis in that loneliness. My observation and experience, though, (I'm a child of the 60's. . .) is that that kind of sex doesn't scratch the right itch - you're looking for human contact and love, and you end up feeling more lonely and empty, and sometimes used.

I took a similar approach with drugs - said what I saw, that meth and heroin ruin lives, that milder ones such as pot may not, but tend to make people underachievers. I asked that they talk to me about it if they tried anything.

They're both growing up into wonderful people, so something worked. . . Good luck! Mainly, make sure they treat you respectfully (and you them!!), be honest, and be sure they know you love them.

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CalistasMom - posted on 04/06/2014

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Hard to stop, particulary when you're a single parent and not around that much. I have heard of parents insisting that it's only blow jobs until a certain age. I don't think that's a conversation I would feel comfortable having, but I can kinda/sorta see the logic. Really, the best you can do is make sure they are using birth control. Teen pregancy can of course be a horror.

Lori - posted on 03/16/2010

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In my opinion, no, you cannot stop them. But yes, what you say about it DOES matter - even if they don't agree, they still hear you. How much you should or shouldn't 'know' depends on their age and maturity level - but regardless, you need to make sure that they are informed about what it means to stay safe, and that they agree to this!!! An open line of communication is important, as they need someone they can go to with questions or concerns - but the questions need to come primarily from them, not from you.

No doubt about it - finding out that your children (who are often indeed still CHILDREN!) are engaging, or even thinking of engaging, in sexual activity - well, it's a tough subject to assimilate. A great deal has to do with your individual family values. And there is a great deal of truth to that old adage 'ignorance is bliss'! But you can't be an ostrich and stick your head in the sand either. Kids grow up - sometimes faster than we are comfortable with.

Guin - posted on 03/14/2010

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I'm with you Missy. I was reading texts, notes and emails and talking to my daughter about them and she thought I was invading her privacy. Too bad. Kids don't understand what can happen and how it can change their life. I am not putting my daughter on birth control. I think that sends a message that it is ok for them to have sex and that is not how I feel about it. My daughters know that they do not want to have a baby and I think that makes them think twice. However, you need to talk to your children about sex and also birth control. I had my daughter do research on the interenet about birth control methods and we talked about it after. We had a very adult conversation which made me feel alot better about things. Bottom line though is that if they are going to do something they will find a time and place to do it. We can worry all we want but that doesn't stop things from happening. Try to keep the lines of communication open and see how many girls at their school are pregnant and what they think about it. Seeing one of their peers pregnant may give them a dose of reality.

Kim - posted on 03/13/2010

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You have to trust that what you have taught them they are using. When my 16 year old came to me and said her and her bf had sex one time and that she wanted to get some birth control pills we went and got them together. I feel that she is using all that me, her oldest sister and her play sisters have been telling her.

Gloria - posted on 03/13/2010

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so far i feel that all i can do is impose my advice even if she doesn't want it and tell her about being safe and safe is sooooo many things from condoms to where you do it and who is around you then there's the image of how others will view you after and who will talk and what will be said some things are meant to be private but communication is so important and you know when you're talking and you feel ignored well they really are listening so keep talking and be there to listen

Alison - posted on 03/11/2010

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Even if try stop them from being sexually active they will find a way to be sexually active. I would tell them about the what could happened if they don't protect them selves. But when I was thirteen till probably seventeen I didn't think about being sexually active. I probably thought that more when I became eighteen.

Tracy - posted on 03/11/2010

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As far as I am concerned, I want to know anything and everything that my child does that could endanger their health, safety, and spiritual life. Teenagers are NOT adults. They are NOT capable of having well-adjusted, adult relationships because their brains are still developing. They certainly are able to love people, truly love, and not just lust after, but you know that their relationships last a few months and are over. If they want to have sex with everyone they consider a "girlfriend" or "boyfriend", then that means multiple sexual partners before they even turn 21. That kind of lifestyle is very risky when it comes to STDs, including HIV/AIDS. Lets not forget the other incurable STDs, syphyllis and herpes. And then there's pregnancy or abortion to have to deal with potentially.

What exactly are the rules in your house for your teens with regards to sex? Are they allowed to engage in it or not? If they are, I would hope that you personally have taught them about safe sex, abstinence, birth control, unwanted pregnancy, abortion, and all the related information they should know before engaging in an active lifestyle. You wouldn't let your teen drive a car without having them go through a driver's education course, so sex should be no different. But in this instance, you should be the one to talk to them, and not some stranger, magazine or friend. If they are not allowed to have sex before marriage or before a certain age, then you have to enforce this rule. They may have already broken it, but you can start anew with a clean slate and talk to your teens about why it's important to you that they not have sex until a certain age or until married or whatever is your threshold. You have to then be so involved with your kids at this point so that you do know where they are at all times, and who they are with, and what they are doing, and why, and when they will come home. However, I wouldn't start out with giving them all the freedom they are used to. You'd have to scale way back on where they are allowed to go and so on. As they can prove they can be trusted, they are allowed a little more freedom, etc.

What do you want for your children? You have to try your best to raise them that way. They will still mess up, and there will be consequences for bad choices...that's they way it works in life. But as long as you have open lines of communication with your kids, you can have every reasonable expectation for them to abide by your rules.

Patricia - posted on 03/11/2010

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You have to trust that you have instilled all that you can in your children and hope that in between the BLAH BLAH BLAH'S that they do hear you...If they are teenagers, and they want to do it, they will find a way and a place. It's hard, because too many peers are telling each other how great it is...For me, sad but true that I have a young niece that had her first baby two years before she turned 21....thank God we are a close knit family so my boys can see first hand what it's like to be a young parent and how much of your youth you lose. My family loves and supports my niece and her child, but being able to see first hand the stress and the emotions my niece goes through has really brought forth an eye opener for my boys. My niece her boyfriend and their baby live with her mother....she struggles to find a job and is unable to attend the things she would like, because in order to do so she needs to find a sitter first. She is a wonderful mother, but when she talks, you can really hear her sorrow as well....it's tough, but as parents there is no such thing as too much talking when it comes to sex...

Sarah - posted on 03/11/2010

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I haven't gotten to this point with my girls 'cuz they're 11 and 14. But I already have had many discussions about sex with my girls. When I get the first sign that they're sexually active, they're going straight on the Depo shot and getting a bag of condoms. that way at least they won't get pregnant or diseased. I have told my daughters that I want them to stay virgins until they are adults but I've also had realistic talks with them just in case that doesn't happen. Hope for the best but plan for the worst is my motto.

Good Luck!

Cynthia - posted on 03/11/2010

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i think it depends on the kid. all you can do is educate, and let them know what you think and feel about sex and when its appropriate, set a good example of yoru beliefs,teach them saftey just in case and then well, hope for the best.
i know ppl with 3 or 4 kids, and one went "wild"while the rest stayed conservative on this issue...its not just how you raise them but other influences of the world and their enviroment and own personality aswell, so some of it is luck of the draw too.

Missy - posted on 03/11/2010

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i started reading her texts and notes and now im freaked out!! i want to know everything about whats going on but maybe i didnt want to know everything =[ short of keeping her home from school and putting her in a plastic bubble i dont know what to do!

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