Two very different ways of parenting, mine and his... idk wtd

Carri - posted on 10/03/2013 ( 3 moms have responded )

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Between us we have 4 kids 3 boys, 19, 15 and 12 and 1 girl 10. The oldest is out of the house, living on his own but the 3 younger children are with us. My fiance's oldest boy is 15 very soon to be 16, he has been caught stealing cigarettes so much that his dad gave up fighting with him and now he's allowed to smoke and rub. He's been caught drinking alcohol and not sneaking a beer with a friend but drinking an entire bottle while sitting in the living room when we weren't home. He got yelled at but that was the only punishment his dad gave him even though I tried to make him see that he should punish him worse because drinking at such a young age isn't going to lead to anywhere good but nothing. Today the school called and he's skipped for the last 3 days (idk y they didn't call the first 2) my fiance left work and went to the house and there he sat playing his playstation. Well he's grounded from the playstation AGAIN, (cause lord knows this isn't the first time he's had it taken away but dad just keeps giving it back) and made to (half ass) do some chores but that's it.... I told dad to take his door off his bedroom, take everything out of his room, sell the playstation (at this point I'm ready to run it over with my car or take a sledge hammer to it) or even make him stand outside somewhere with a sign saying what he's done but does any of that happen.... nope!! I'm at my wits end!!!
The 12 yr old is starting to mouth off and hang around with bad kids who have gotten into trouble before and dad has said not to hang around with them but he still does and dad knows but does nothing to stop it. He will argue with his dad for hours and no matter what he's right (and boy does he have a attitude with me and my daughter) He doesn't like it that I say right in front of his friends how bad they are and that he shouldn't hang around with them. He's also been grounded and yelled at but still continues to do it because they both know there's no true punishment coming.
My daughter used to be the bad one, fought with me all the time, has physically attacked other kids and refused to do homework but she's made alot of improvements and is actually the good kid now (happy me!!) We have both put effort into working with her to get her on the right path and he has helped so much with the changes in her but when it comes to his own kids he won't listen to any advice I give or when he does ground them it only lasts a short time and he gives in to them. When we discuss it he says boys will be boys or they are better than he was at that age so he can't complain to much, which just drives me completely bonkers cause your supposed to stop your kids from doing the same things you did or at least try, your not supposed to just say oh well he's not as bad as I was....
We are moving in together very soon and I really want to help with the boys but how am I supposed to do that when he ignores the problem and lets them do it anyway or ignores my advice and they go unpunished for the things they do. I don't know what to do anymore!!! Any advice?

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♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 10/03/2013

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First of all, DON'T go any further towards moving in until you are both on the same parenting page, and have worked out any eventualities regarding blending your families.

If he's not willing to parent, you won't be able to do a damn thing with those kids. DO NOT blend the families until everyone is in family counseling, and some solutions are reached. This WILL NOT just work itself out, and you cannot expect it to. This is going to take some big effort on everyone's part, and if your fiance is not willing to help with this, it will not succeed on any level.

Don't mean to bring the downer to the conversation, but you guys need a lot of help, and it will be best to get it all sorted BEFORE moving in together and getting married.

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♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 10/04/2013

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Ok, dear, but remember...If you do this, if you take responsibility for his mistakes, and absolve him of the responsibility of being a parent, you're digging yourself a hole.

At the very least, get everyone into counseling. And get him into parenting classes. "just getting used" to being a parent is no excuse for not doing your best at it. He sees this as his easy out. "Oh, she'll take care of it, and I can still be their buddy...they'll like me better if i'm not disciplining..."

I've seen it before, and it's not a pretty picture. Good luck, my dear. You're going to need it. I hope everything works out for the best

Carri - posted on 10/03/2013

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They listen better when I'm there and my hope is that if we move in together I'll be there all the time and able to supervise them when their dad can't because of work. They get away with it to begin with because there is no one there to watch them and make sure they aren't getting into trouble while dad's at work. They used to be good boys and I honestly think they are doing these things because no one is there to stop them.
I seem to be the one who has taken over the rules, chores and such and they listen to me alot better than they do to dad. Over the summer I stayed there more than at my own place and we started a new way of doing chores, they got paid according to what they did and they were doing great but as soon as I stopped staying there, they stopped working. They need a woman there to keep them in line or they run amuck and skip school, steal dad's booze and I honestly think he's in over his head and doesn't know what he's doing. He got custody of them about 2 years ago because their mom wasn't taking care of them, so he's still learning how to do it on his own and not doing a very good job at learning. If I was there they would be supervised and not be able to do these things as easily as they can now. That's my hope anyway. I don't want to see them end up in juvie or worse, alcoholics or drug addicts just because no one was there to stop them from doing it. As a parent I feel I have to try and help them the only way I know how, by being there, everyday, everywhere and in their face so that they can't do these things.
I called the school because they were going to suspend him and told them that's just giving him more time off and maybe they could do a in school suspension or some other form of punishment that will keep him in school but still give him repercussions for skipping. I also told them I think he should have to write an apology to the school and that maybe they could post it on the billboard or something to teach him a lesson.
I think backing away and not moving in is just going to make it worse and they will continue to get worse as long as there's no one there to supervise them.

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