Very sad 15 yr old daughter

Marie - posted on 08/02/2011 ( 12 moms have responded )




My poor 15 yr old daughter is going through a really rough time. It seem to all start when she lost a good friend to suicide and then 1 yr later lost her father (ex-husband) to suicide. She was with her father all day the day before he did it. She feels a lot of guilt. She was only 14 yrs old when this happened. She was put into counseling and everything seem to be doing good. Then 6 months after his death, while at a friends house she took some of the mothers pills. She didn't tell anyone just went to sleep but she left the pill bottle out and the friend saw them and called me. We then took her to the er and then to an inpatient facility. She stayed there for 5 days and was released. They believe it was more of a "gesture" than an attempt. Still staying in counseling things really haven't got any better. Saying she doesnt like her counselor we've stopped going but are seeing a new one tomorrow. She's a totally different girl. She seems to hate me and her stepfather most of the time, she's came home drunk 4 times and I know she's been smoking pot. But the most heartbreaking is that she says she doesn't want to live anymore. She's even wrote goodbye letters to everyone. All the counselors she's had seem to think that she's not truly suicidal because she always tell someone but I can't just take that chance. I no longer sleep in my room. I slept with her(which she hates) until the counselors told me to stop. I now sleep on the couch so I can be close to her room. I never leave her at home alone. I check on her constantly.,I even wake up all throughout the night to check. My whole life has changed. It's very stressful and heartbreaking. Some days she says she doesn't want to die and other days thats all she wants. She also cuts. Every time she loses a boy friend she really seems to just give up all over again. She has been making some really bad decisions. I've went from being a strict parent to being too free in fear of making her feel worse and she may harm herself. But that has only made things worse. I need some help. I don't know what to do. I'm scared to death I'm going to lose her. I was thinking about maybe using therapy and meds but I've always heard meds could make suicide thoughts worse in adolescents. Does anyone have any exiperience with their teenager on meds and how are they working? At this point I'm just trying to the best I can and praying. I'm desperate to save my baby!!


Linda - posted on 08/09/2011




I really have no experience with this to pass on to you, but felt the need to tell you that you are a great Mom who is trying everything to keep her daughter safe. Are you seeing a counselor ? This really must be taking a toll on you. !! I do not think your daughter is seriuos about suicide, this really is a cry for help. I do hope a new counselor will help her and maybe going to counseling together or even with her Step Dad will help get things out in the open that is bothering her to such an extreme. Good Luck. xoxoxox

Donna - posted on 08/03/2011




Marie, is there some grieving support group for teenagers that she could join? Sometimes a support group of peers is much more helpful than a one-on-one counsellor. She could get to talk to kids her own age who have gone thru a similar situation (and there usually is a moderator who is an adult and can act as counsellor as well). Since teenagers in general, do not beleive anyone really understands them anyway! except for their peers - this might help. What about the suicide hotlines - they might be able to make recommendations for these groups and/or other services. I would be worried too. look for other options that may be a better "fit" for your daughter right now. Would those counsellors bet their lives on the opinion they gave you? Go with your gut and just keep trying other things. But also try to detach a little, keep your peace of mind, and spend some time with your daughter where the two of you just have some fun together - no lectures, questions, worries. That will help her more than your worry and stress. You are in my prayers.

Rhonda - posted on 08/03/2011




I'm so sorry for you and your daughter. Dealing with death and loss is difficult for everyone, but due to the intense emotions of teenagers, the effects seem so much worse. Losing a peer and a parent must seem like the world is falling down around her. For her, this is all happening exclusively to her. The alcohol and pot is her way of self medicating not to deal with the pain. So it sounds like if you don't medicate her, she will. I'm hoping this new counselor will be more beneficial, if not get another one. But there is no doubt that professional counseling is needed here. It may not hurt for you to participate in it with her. Instead of being a "watchdog" for her, use your "watch time" to allow her to talk about her friend and father. Not talk, just listen. Make yourself her "sounding post" for all these negative feelings. Encourage her to start keeping a diary or journal so when these feelings are too intense, she has a vehicle to purge.If she is artistic, encourage her to draw or paint. Allow her to just cry with you. I had a similar experience at her age with no support. It took me years and many, many bad decisions to recover. Good luck


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Imyourangel1978 - posted on 07/07/2016




I understand your pain completely...I have 2 teenage daughters. Both have been suicidal, attempted suicide, both have been hospitalized on several occasions. I can't begin to explain the pain and hopelessness I have felt during those times but I'm praying for you mama, stay strong, hold her tight every chance you get and tell her you love her and no matter what that you will ALWAYS be there for her...that's what I tell my girls. There isn't much resources out there, especially where I'm living. I've had both my girls in therapy for years, case management, family based programs etc. I've depleted every resource trying to find a solution and help through those heart wrenching times. But I just want to tell you that you are a good mom, and it's not your fault. Praying for peace for your family

Candice - posted on 09/12/2011




i don't have a teenager yet, but that doesn't mean i wasn't one 10 years ago going through the same exact thing you are now talking about. although, it wasn't brought on by my father and friend committing suicide. i remember how i felt and i'm glad i do so that i can be more prepared for my kids teenage years. i was put on zoloft at 16 after i had my first child and my boyfriend (now my husband of 8 years) dumped me. i don't think it really did anything though. but before i got pregnant, i went out a lot and felt that the only thing that could make me happy and distract me from the depression i felt was to be around my friends and smoke pot and drink. i told my mom i was at my girl friends' house when i was really with my boyfriend. i could only feel release from my thoughts through drugs, it seemed. i didn't feel close to my mother so i didn't talk to her a lot and i have vowed to change that through my own children. my mom never talked to me very much about how sad she was at times but once i found and read a page in her journal about my step dad and me and the problems we gave her. i truly felt bad about it and i think that if she talked to me more and i talked to her more without fear of punishment about what i've done, we'd have had a closer relationship. i talk to my kids and keep it open and real. we cry together when daddy deploys and they know that they are not alone. what i'm saying is that people need to relate. your daughter sounds like she may be beyond help to you, but she isn't totally gone. don't crowd her but don't be too far. i don't condone of my kids going out later on and getting drunk but if they do and they will do what they will no matter what you say or do, i want them to know they can call me to pick them up without fear of rebuke. i want my kids safe because i know how i was. and it's not that your daughter hates you or your husband, you are just the closest things she can take her anger out on. i know. i did it to my own mother and out of all the things i could take back, it would only be that. i'm almost 27 now and i love my mother more than i ever have. after i got pregnant with my oldest, we moved and i didn't know anyone, we became much closer. she opens up to me a lot now, more than she did before and i respect that. communication is goal here but teenagers are very touchy like walking on broken glass when dealing with them. lay yourself out to her with raw honesty. cry if you feel like it. open her eyes.

Rhonda - posted on 08/15/2011




I am so sorry for what she has been through. Glad to see that you are praying...prayers are more effective than we can realize! Also, if you could get her involved in a good church youth group,- I have 15 and 16 yr old daughters and being involved in our church youth group is so beneficial to them!

Caroline - posted on 08/15/2011




so sorry to hear you are going through this, I would take your daughter to a nice place, take a picnic and ask her to "talk" to you, don't interrupt until she's done, she's hurt and has had too much to deal with at a very impressionable age, let her open up to you and just listen. Try and prompt her to tell you about how it hurts and cry with her, she really needs you now which is why she's acting out so much, and anger comes from hurt, hope it helps, and goood luck, I have had something similar with my now 16 year old.

Michelle - posted on 08/07/2011




I would have her try taking adhd medication. It should raise her spirits. I can relate and know this is a nightmare for you.

Keverley - posted on 08/05/2011




Wow, I'm so sorry for all you are going through. My son who is now 17 had a suicide attempt last year. He had come to me in April and told me he thought he was depressed. I took him to the pediatrician and they put him on Prozac. Four weeks later, he attempted suicide. He was also cutting without my knowledge. He did 4 days in inpatient and got out and I watched him 24/7 for 3 months. He was still on Prozac and he had another attempt at self harm in September. We went to the ER and fortunately got sent to another hospital. They immediately took him off the Prozac and put him on Citalopram. This medicine had little side effects and he did really well with it. He took himself off his meds just late spring and has been doing awesome. The doctors told me that he cut himself and hurt himself to relieve his anxieties. So, the counselor he went to focused on coping skills for the day to day pressures and anxieties teens have to deal with. It was a devastating thing to go through, but when they act like they hate you, they need you the most. Also, even if a child is not "truly suicidal" (whatever that means) they can still harm themselves by doing the other self harm acts. She needs help. Please find a counselor that will get to the root of the problem. Hang in there. You are a good mother.

Michelle - posted on 08/05/2011




Find something for her to do... Arts, Sports, music.... Find something that she enjoys doing and makes her feel good about herself! Maybe it's helping others.

Louise - posted on 08/04/2011




I think deep down your daughter has you wrapped around her little finger. If your daughter was totally serious about taking her own life believe me she would of done so. This is a massive cry for help from her to get your attention and you are playing into her hands a treat. Step back from the situation and look with fresh eyes, your daughter needs your love but not the confinement of not being aloud to stay at home by herself, or with mum sleeping outside the door this is only adding to her stress and misery. You are doing the right thing in making her go to councelling but I feel you both need councelling to learn to trust each other and carry on without this constant worry and stress you are living with. You can not carry on like this you will become ill to. Try and get some communication going with your daughter and tell her you want to give her more freedom and independence encourage her to join some clubs in the area, like ranger scouts or a dance group or even a cinema club. Something to give her a new interest to focus on. I have no doubt she has a lot of issues to deal with and this is no quick fix but you are suffocating her at the moment with love and she is feeding off your emotions to stay in this pit of despair. try and change your out look and hopefully together you can both turn a corner and make a future. Good luck

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