What do I do? I moved into my boyfriends new home with my 9 year old daughter after dating for 3 years . He ignored her and never made her feel safe cared for or loved. I tried for the last 3 years to help him build a relationship with her but he did not. There relationship has put a huge damper on ours and iam always in the middle! Last year my boyfriend and I got into a fight which always lead to him telling me to leave so I did! It's been 11 months we still see each other and I have all my stuff at the house. My daughter does not want to go back she said

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Angel - posted on 03/12/2013

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Here's my example:
I began dating my husband when my daughter had just turned 2. Until we knew that we were going to get serious I kept my daughter out of it, and we tried to keep his teenage kids out too (though that didn't really work). Once we knew we wanted to be serious I began introducing my daughter to him. My daughter had a full say in this relationship. If my cat or my daughter didn't love him, he would have been out of my life faster than you can say "boo." My cat thoroughly adored him, and my daughter called him "Daddy" after just a couple of weeks. I had clearly gotten a yes from both my cat & daughter.

This may be t.m.i., but my hubby and I didn't even have sex until we were married, let alone live with each other. I know that's not the norm anymore, but for you and your daughter, it'd be the smart thing to do. As for your "boyfriend," get rid of him. If he doesn't make your daughter feel safe there's something off about him. Trust your daughter's instincts, they may save one, or the other, or both of your lives (in more ways than one).

Kristi - posted on 03/08/2013

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I read part 2 of this post but figured I'd answer here after reading the rest of the advice.

For starters, it is not easy for adults to forgive and forget many times. What makes you think a child who has been ignored and neglected by someone for 3 years is going to just up say ok, let's go back for more?

It isn't just that he ignored her, she probably felt like you did on several occassions, too. If not ignored, put her second. This man represents a source of stress and conflict. I would imagine by now you've asked her the samething you're asking us.

"He is trying so hard now , why is it to late??? I understand how she feels but why can't we move forward and not look back. He wants to fix it!!! She won't let him"

If she has any incling that you think and feel this way, she probably feels more alienated by you now than she ever felt before by him. Kids aren't dumb and imo, kids from broken homes are a little more in tune to other people's personality traits and habits, etc. Let me tell you a little story...

My second husband and I started dating and then moved in together when my daughter was about 4. He doted on her from the get go. She was his princess and and everybody knew it. Well, things went below-the-equator south for us a few years ago. Long story short, I went through hell and my mom had to come (from WA to NE) and get us because I was just lost. So, 2 years later, I'm doing ok, my daughter is doing awesome! I'm not sure I want to admit this but, my ex and I talk every day. We are best friends. We even talked about "what if" getting back together. For more than one reason we wouldn't get back together but anyways, I told my daughter about what he and I said in jest.

She told me straight out...no joke, serious as a heart attack. If you ever get back together with him, I will lose all my respect for you. I didn't tell you when I was little because you were happy and my dad always said everybody knows little kids are liars but I never liked Daniel. (I was dumbfounded! Completely shocked, she always appeared to love him, said it, called him dad...no prompting from either of us) She said, I will not go back with you and I will not forgive you. That would be the dumbest thing you could ever do.

Well, I about shit a brick. I panicked because I thought OMG--What did he do to her?! She told me he was never mean to her, never inappropriate, etc. She acknowledged that he did provide for us, we did fun things together, he was nice and she knew without a doubt he'd give his life for hers without a second thought. But she just had a "feeling." She had just turned 13 when she told me all of this but had had the "feeling" since she could remember.

Now, think about what my daughter said about what she would think of me for going back to a man that loved and raised her like his own for nearly 8 years. Now, think about what your daughter must be thinking/feeling about her mother (unintentionally) blaming her for the unhappiness with your boyfriend, who spent the last three years casting her aside like a piece of garbage. You need to do more than just "understand." There are no "but's" at this point. Mark my words, if your daughter doesn't think you have her back, she will start lying on it for anyone who tells her they do, especially if her father is not in the picture. I'm not trying to be mean or judgemental...I am the screw-up to end all screw-ups but I've seen and been through a lot with kids. If we want them to have half a chance, we have to do our best to do the right thing when they are children.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 03/06/2013

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Ok, I am never a fan of moms getting into relationships, moving in the new guy, and dragging their kids thru it.

You need to think of your daughter first, and your sexual needs second. Period. I don't mean to be a bitch, but that's the reality. Your job at this point is HER. If you aren't providing her with a safe, secure place (one where SHE feels safe), you're not doing your job.

In this case, you should have made sure that they were going to get along well BEFORE you uprooted her and forced her into a situation that she was plainly uncomfortable in. Of course it came between you and the man, because you didn't take either of them into account.

Most likely, he didn't realize that you moving in would mean your daughter would move in too. Which was not real bright on his part. But, when it first became obvious that your daughter was uncomfortable, and this man was not happy, you should have moved back out then, to save the feelings of everyone involved.

If you want to move back, at the very least give her biological father primary custody of her so that she knows that her happiness matters.

I'm not saying that you need to shrivel up and die until your kid is raised, but your desire for boyfriends needs to go on the back burner. You can meet people, you can form relationships, but don't drag your kids into it, unless they like they guy, and the guy treats them well.

Kristi - posted on 03/12/2013

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Cristine--

It's not that you love someone who hurt your daughter. You love someone. But, he ended up hurting your daughter. We can't turn our feelings on and off like light switch. You see a change in him so that makes it even harder for you to let go. You are allowed to have your own feelings. You are not going to burn in hell for loving the "wrong guy."

Like I said before and as other moms said, your daughter's well being has to come first. I stand behind my original statement.

I promise you, you will survive without him. It won't be easy, especially at first but you will be ok. Your bond with your daughter will grow stronger everyday. Trust me, that is priceless and something more rewarding than you can possibly imagine. Once you establish that bond, you'll ask yourself, why did I ever let a guy get in the way of this? Please consider what I'm saying.

P.S. Angel--I think it's great you and your hubby waited. I know if I had it to do over again, I would have liked to wait too.

Brandy - posted on 03/07/2013

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Let me start off by saying that when your child doesn't want to be around someone there usually is a reason. If the man you want to be with, wants nothing to do with your daughter then he is not worth being with. When women have children and find a man we come as a package deal (mom and kid(s)).. There is nothing that could or should change that. She may feel that you are taking his side over hers. Children should always come first and if he is not willing to put any effort in loving your daughter then why would she want to be around him. I don't blame her. There are many times in life that we have to put our wants and needs aside to take care and make sure our children are happy... I hope that you make the right decision that makes both you and your daughter happy. GOD bless

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Cristine - posted on 04/23/2014

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I left!!!!! I am at my moms... When I came home from work yesterday my boyfriend told me he had a talk with Elizabeth !!! I went into a weird panic not knowing if this was a positive or negative . I was hoping she did not feel bombarded by whatever he said.I asked what was said by both of them.... Anyway he told her he was sorry that he doesn't know how to treat a young girl that he cares and loves her... Her response was barely anything.. He told he she is holding a grudge... When he realized I was going to go to my moms he freaked out and told me he would give lizzy the room I've been asking for the last 8 months, he was begging me not to leave saying everything possible.
I took a suitcase and I am now at my moms.. He keeps sending me pictures of us and poems and apologies . What can I do to stay strong????? Please help,,,

Cristine - posted on 03/12/2013

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I can't thank you enough for responding to my last post. I read all my responses everyday praying it will make me stronger..... I have to do the right thing... I know my daughters happiness needs to come before mine. She did not ask to be here ' she is my responsibility and it is my job as a mom to make her happy. Please all pray for me!!!!! Please

Cristine - posted on 03/12/2013

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My boyfriend is being so nice to my daughter I have seen a big change over the last 11 months she is being ok with him but said she doesn't feel like his house is her home that home is where you feel safe she doesn't want to stay there. Why do I make so many excuses for his past behavior. Why can't I let go? My daughter means the world to me , but oh my god loving this man is causing so much stress... Why do I love someone who hurt my daughter?

Cristine - posted on 03/06/2013

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I don't think he thought he needed to form a relationship with her. I tried to explain it but when he finally realized it and was truly sorry she already grew a hate toward him. I feel so caught in the middle and I can't help but be mad at him for not doing the right thing when I told him how important it was and be mad at her for not forgiving him. He is trying so hard now , why is it to late??? I understand how she feels but why can't we move forward and not look back. He wants to fix it!!! She won't let him

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