What do I do with my 12 and 14 soon to be 15 year old hating me?

Nora - posted on 10/06/2010 ( 5 moms have responded )

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No matter what I do or don't do say or don't say my kids just don't care. They don't listen, they fight a lot and don't care about school and lie a lot. Especially my 14 year old. He has the worst attitude, has said the most hurtful things to me both to my face and to his new friend(saw a text) and is very mean with my 12 year old and 3 year old son. I really do not know what else to do. Being nice or mean, taking away things they love and grounding them doesn't work. They pretty much hate me. I can see it in their faces when I am talking to them(getting after them) and by the way they are with me. They don't care for responsibilities, respect, school, each other nor me, their step-dad or little brother. I have also cried many times and prayed to no avail. I've asked them to go live with their dad if they don't want to be with us, but since they also hate their dad they just get more mad when I say that. I would really love some advice or techniques on what to do with my kids because no matter what I love them and want the best for them.

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Rosella - posted on 01/02/2014

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Okay first of all, i know teenagers can be some of the most selfish people you've ever met but let me tell you something, it is NOT okay to do that WHAT SO EVER. let me help you with this right now cause this is ridiculous that they say that. I'm sorry if i seem strict but it's time. first of all, before they get home from school do this: have their bags packed. Wait for them to get home and when they come in do this, throw the bags in front of them and put your hands on your hips. If they start to say something do this: Shut up right now or your gonna get it worse that it already will be. That should shut them up until the end of the conversation. Say this: I am tired of you guys treating me like crap, everyday you guys do whatever and i am tired of it, i'm sending you to (An elder family member or one who doesn't fancy electronics as much) and until you can accept the fact that this isn't okay you will stay there.
i hope i helped let me know if i did!

Nora - posted on 10/07/2010

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I would love to send them off to their dad but he is in Mississippi and we are in Ohio. Since our split in November of 04 he has only seen them twice and never calls and when he happens to call all he does is make excuses for not calling or make an effort to see them not even when he was just 18 hours away. He is always in and out of jail and is currently under house arrest. I believe he has a drinking problem and possibly drug problem also. Should I still track him down and have the kids stay with him and maybe he could try and change a little for them and maybe he will do a little growing up himself once the kids stay with him? I like what you are saying and I have thought about it, but I start to think that maybe they will come back to me even worse.

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Jade - posted on 01/04/2014

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personally this is the same wit my mom with me and my older brother and step sister we argue a lot and get things taken away and we don't care but know one sees it from are eyes I'm just saying telling them they need to go live with their father is not a good choose of words if i may say so myself i know when my mom does it it never helps. personally it's just a faze that we all go through but just ignore them and when they need to talk they will come around that's what I do a lot to my mom. I know it is hard I know you feel bad that their is nothing for you to do to help them just try and let them come to you things my change and come around

Elizabeth - posted on 10/07/2010

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Sorry to hear you are going through such a rough time. I agree that their father should step up and help. What I often hear from my teens is that they dont think we listen to them. Pick a time maybe on the weekend when everyone isnt too stressed out and have everyone sit down for a family meeting. Maybe after lunch or dinner when their bellies are full. I know it may sound silly but this actually works - I've tried it when at the end of my rope. Try to run it like a business meeting where everyone gets a chance to voice their concerns. We try to have each person start by saying something they think is going right - at home or at school. Then, together brainstorm and come up with a list of expectations and write them down and post somewhere where they can be seen
easily. The kids will have expectations of you and your husband as well. On our list we have things such as bedtime expectations, weekend curfew, chores, etc.. Once you give everyone a chance to voice their opinions in an appropriate manner it may help ease the day-to-day stuff. Also decide at the meeting the consequences for not following what you have agreed upon. Even though you are voicing concerns let them know that you are still the parent or perhaps CEO. As far as the cell phone thing goes ...does your 14 year old pay for it himself? My son was only able to get one if he was willing to contribute. Both kids have paper routes. All in all, hang in there. Every child is different and you know they go through phases. Hopefully this will help.

Louise - posted on 10/07/2010

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Time for short sharp shock! Ring there dad and tell him you need a break and pack there stuff when they are at school when they get back bundle them in the car and drop them off at there dads house for the weekend. No choice! Let him deal with his kids and give you a break. When they come back tell them that from now on they will be respectful and cut the attitude or you will need a break every other weekend. They will hate having there free time determined by you, but they tow the line or off they go. They may enjoy time with there dad in that case you win again as it will take the pressure off you. If he has been an absent father it is time he pulled his weight. You need to spend time with your husband and baby without grumpy teenagers putting stress on you both. If they start with the attitude or fighting them tell them to leave the room you do not have to watch this all the time. When my sons were going through this phase of constantly fighting I would tell them they had to leave the house for 20minutes to calm down. They soon got fed up with that so they sorted themselves out.

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