what to do about grandparent that want nothing to do with you kids?

User - posted on 02/12/2013 ( 4 moms have responded )

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i have twin girls and i just feel don't know if i am doing the right thing about their grandparents. when the girls were a week old their son hit me (which he has several time to the point of black eyes and broken noes) so i call the cops and we live on his parent land so they kick me and my week old babies out. they have told people that we were never aloud at their house. i have sent picture of the girls and they have seen the places and will not speak to them. so its been two years and i called them and asked them nice if they wanted to start taking their granddaughter for a couple hours during the week. i figure that we would start with a couple hour and let the girls get to know them and then move up from there. but they told me that they wanted nothing to do with them and they were not aloud to step foot in their house. i guess what i asking is did i do the right thing by stepping up and trying to get them involved in my girls life. i know they are good grandparent to my girls half brothers they have them all the time buy the every thing. is there anything else i can do or should i just let them be?

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♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 02/15/2013

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Leave them be. You don't want poisonous people like that influencing your children anyway!

Kathy - posted on 02/13/2013

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I am so sorry to hear that your children's father was abusive to you, and that his parents seem to be so caught up in their son that they want nothing to do with their granddaughters. I don't think you did anything wrong by trying to get them to have a relationship with your daughter's, but I would not try again.

My situation is totally different (my husband and his mom are not close and she has never wanted anything to do with our children) and when my husband forced the issue of his mother spending time with our children it turned into a disaster which was harmful to my kids. So definitely don't put your girls in that situation.

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Holly - posted on 02/15/2013

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you have given them PLENTY of chances... now it is time to leave them alone. If they want to see them, they will persue it... NEVER keep them from them, never lie to your kids. Just leave them alone, they will hopefully come around and take your offer up to see them at some point

Kristi - posted on 02/15/2013

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Jamee--

You went above and beyond the right and the nice thing. It took courage and humility to offer them another chance with your children.

They are obviously not worthy of you or your daughters' time, effort and/or love. They might be generous with their time and money to their other grandchildren. On the outside that looks like a great thing. But appearances can be deceiving. I bet you already know that. I'm sure their son seemed like a great guy at first, right? If they were good people, they would have been on their hands and knees thanking you for asking them back. If they were good people, they wouldn't have kicked you off the property after their son beat you black and blue.

My daughter's father and his parents (although divorced) are 3 of the most vile people on this earth. When my daughter was little and not old enough for her daddy to play mind games on, his mother bought her stuff all the time. But not 2 of her older half sisters, who still loved their mother. Then as time went on, the older girls figured out how to play the game. When they wanted money or new clothes all they had to do was go hang out at dad's and grandma's house for a couple of days. Wear their raggy, old play clothes, complain of hunger, trash talk their mom a little and boom! Good as gold. At first they were all sympathetic to the girls and just fawned all over them. Later, it was a hassle, no more time to go shopping and out to eat together, just here's my money and credit cards. My daughter on the other hand, rarely bought her anything because "her other grandparents are rich so let them buy her stuff."

I kept my daughter the majority of the time but at that point on paper we had joint custody. I never had the money to go to court to get it changed even though I knew things weren't right over at his house. This was just about 3 years ago now. My 2nd husband found some not-so-appropriate pictures someone had taken of my daughter. Needless to say, we asked her about them and that just opened up an entire pandora's box. These people had been telling my daughter that one day she was going to wake up and find me dead in a pool of my own blood. They told her that the reason I didn't go to church anymore was because the church elders tried to make the demons in me (that make mommy sick) leave but I loved satan so much the demons could not be released.
OK...this is what this "good" parent and grandparent, so they appeared on the outside to most everyone else, were telling my daughter. This among other things, prompted my 2nd husband to get a 2nd job and my parents also help pay for an attorney. Longer story, less long...we now live 1500 miles away and they cannot even text her without my permission.

I know that was "all about me" but I wanted to give you a real life example of what might actually be a blessing in disguise. They go to church, she sits on the foster care review board, gives free hair cuts to people in a nursing home, he's the "perfect" stepdad to his stepsons and umpteenth wife (after me), plays the perfect grandpa when people are watching. You'd never know he was a felon or a crack head or that he and his mother stole thousands of dollars worth of bonds and forged them or that she falsified reports, etc.

I'd bet money there are lots of things you'd never know about your daughters' "good" grandparents, too. Count your blessings and make a happy life for you and your girls with the people you have in it now. Plus, you never know who might be coming down the road. I'm sorry for going on so long. I wish you gals the very best!

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