What to do when your 14 yr old daughter is sending half naked pictures to a boy in order to get him to like her.

Lena - posted on 10/31/2012 ( 17 moms have responded )

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I'm new on this site and I am in desperate need of some advice!! My 14 yr old daughter who does great in school and has been trustworthy up until now, has made a huge mistake. She often talks on the phone to this boy in her class who she likes and at one point seemed to take an interest in her, but lately she tells me that he doesn't like her and went to out with another girl to a restaurant. Now realizing how insecure she is because of seeing me in an abusive relationship with her father for so many years, she feels the need to please this boy with whatever he wants in order to keep him around. She recently told me that she did something that she really regrets, and that was sending him pictures of her in her underwear and one of his female friends (who never liked my daughter) has seen the pictures and have been calling her names. Now he is "blackmailing" my daughter by telling her that if she doesn't confront this girl, he's going to put these pictures on Facebook. Also, if she doesn't talk to him in school he's going to post the pictures. I contacted the school and I'm waiting for them to get back to me about what can be done, but I'm really nervous that her reputation will be destroyed. She is already depressed half the time, even before this happened and now I don't know what to expect. She will probably be upset that I called the school and didn't let her handle it, but I'm a mom, I can't just ignore this and hope it fixes itself....any advice? Thanks in advance ladies!

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Lena - posted on 11/21/2012

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Thank you for all of the advice and understanding, it is greatly appreciated!! It's been awhile since this incident and things are definitely getting better. For one, my daughters cell phone has been taken and she will NOT get it back until I feel more comfortable with her level of decision making. Two, the boy who was "blackmailing" her into being his little puppet has been expelled from school (don't think it was related to this). Three, our relationship has gotten better and she realizes what she has done and we are going to meet with a counselor for both family counseling and individual. I think since he gave her so much attention and seemed to be so nice and caring towards her, she felt that if he wasn't happy then he would move on. However, she is only 14 yrs old and doesn't know a single thing about relationships, love, loyalty, and making your companion happy. She feels really bad about that fact that I no longer trust her (for now) and that she has a long way to go before I do. Overall, she has always been a great kid, she was always on the honor roll and never gave me much hassle. I think she got caught up in the moment and now has to pay the consequences. Wish me luck ladies and again, thank you for all of the support!!

Noma - posted on 11/06/2012

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Oh wow, first off I feel for both of you; this is rough, but you've obviously done something right because she came to you, mom. I used to have self esteem issues when I was that age (luckily this was pre-cell phones) so I can offer some insight. Most important, make sure your daughter knows you appreciate her coming to you when she was in over her head. Don't judge, don't blame, don't shame; that way she can keep on trusting you when the going gets rough. From experience I can say a teenager who doesn't trust her mom is headed for more trouble than she can handle. I would start preparing her for the potential fall-out; what does she want to do about Facebook ? How will she handle bullying/ retaliation? What will she do if the pictures are leaked ? Talking to a therapist about self esteem might help too, but if she's mentally prepared for what might happen to her personally; she'll avoid the long term problems (hating school, isolation, depression and so forth). Best of luck, and in the mean time, see if she can find something outside of school to bring up her self esteem too!

LISA - posted on 11/05/2012

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I have been in ur sittuation! Get her help immediatly, also explain to her that is sexting an. Brings out creeps an molesters, maybe u need to meet w/him an parents !! The next thing will be he makes he have sex, point out to her thatt this is what a abuser controlling male is an they do whatever it takes to break a girl down, ..tell her that because of her witnessing /being around abusive situations w/ u, She IS MORE apt to be involved in same situation unless she isn't aware of signs¡!!!! My kids went thru a abuse class for kids of domestic. Abuse....thru local community, wilder foundation in St.Paul, MN

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Tinakneil - posted on 03/12/2018

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I have a similar problem. I recently got custody of my granddaughter. She has a problem with sending half naked pictures also. I took all of her devices but she just gets more from kids at school. She is a good student and I have no other major discipline issues with her. However I have no clue where to go from here. Any help would be great ...TIA

Jennifer - posted on 05/01/2013

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i am going through the same thing. I seen on her phone a video of a boy jerking off and asking my daughter if it makes her horny. I can't believe this happening it make my heart hit the floor . i have taken everything away from her but i don't understand why she is doing this. My little girl is pretty in all ways. HELP!!!

Cristine - posted on 03/06/2013

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Based on just this situation I would get in touch with his parents explain what happened to them and hope they can help by talking to there son and make him realize how bad he can hurt her and let it go..... That's what I would do also you need to talk to her or have her talk to a therapist

Phoebe - posted on 03/01/2013

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Your girl seems like a good girl she just need to start believing that she a beautiful girl and I'm sure that she will get some who like her the way she is and better than what she was wishing for :-)

Kath - posted on 03/01/2013

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Hi, I know it's been a while but I typed the same issue into Google and came across this... For about a year now I have been having the same issues with my 14 year old daughter who has been seeing student counselling at school. Which I thought had made a difference up until this morning when I caught her sending a picture of herself in her bra to some guy on BBM.. When asked she said he kept asking and she did not even know him, just a contact on BBM. I took everything away from her last year and cancelled Internet and sending pictures off her phone, but stupidly when I got her the upgrade I forgot that she can get wifi from home which allows her to send free messages including pictures. This will be now taken away from her and she will get her old phone back. I can't trust her and it hurts. My younger daughter 10 sees all this happening and I worry about her too as social networking means everyone know ows everything..I worry alot and am so lost as in what to do. She tells me things but I can't believe everything she says as she seems to lie... There is no issues at home and my husband and I have been married for 16 years, so she has a male figure in her life, any advice will be helpful x

Kathy - posted on 11/15/2012

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All the responses are good here....I agree, change her phone plan to calls only for awhile,(no text/picture texting) that way you still have the connections with her...also I'd be taking her off facebook/twitter as well...social media these days is terrible...my daughter, who is 17 loves to make music videos and post on facebook or utube and get peoples responses....one video I remember back a few years ago was done in her room and on her bed, and after seeing that she was lectured and lectured about what is appropriate and inappropriate and she was not Avril Levene or Katie Perry, but a teenager in her bedroom...then all the social media was taken away from her (which is alot these days) you just have to keep on top of them constantly and it's exhausting......I took her for councilling too, if you search & ask around you can find free councilling until they are 18.....also she wasn't naked, she was in her underwear, which probably coverered her more then some bikinis I've seen on public beaches....my daughter once got a call on her cell phone from some girl telling her to stay away from her boyfriend..it freaked me out so badly I went directly over to the police station and reported it...then told my daughter to pass it around at school that I did that, well she never did get another call...sometimes the threat of police being involved with halt them in their tracks and it won't go any further...It was awesome that she went to you before it got really out of hand...she has your trust and is confident that you will "fix" this situation....changing schools will have to be her call, but I think talking to the parents and the school will get it all under control....bullying is so much in the media these days, that everyone is very aware of punishments that now go along with the "crime" because it is a crime.....I hope this helped, please keep me posted on how things worked out...

Vickie - posted on 11/06/2012

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I would call the boy's parents and let them know that he has those pictures, he could be charged with possession of child pornography so if they take it seriously hopefully it won't need to go to the police because your daughter could be charged for sending it as well. I would also take away the cell phone or make it so it can't send pictures anymore if you can, she is not mature enough to have that. You're lucky your daughter came to you before it went any further, but I'm afraid it's going to get worse for her at school before it gets better until those pics are gone so you may have to consider putting her in a different school.



It also sounds like both of you could benefit from therapy either together or apart to learn what is appropriate in a mature relationship.

Maria - posted on 11/06/2012

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Let her know that kind of behavior will haunt her for the rest of her life. Once it is sent thru the wires ... it's permanent, it can affect her future career and college aspirations. It is up to the parent to impart wisdom beyond just is what they experience today. Get them to see a bigger picture. Plus, the importance of self esteem and ethical behavior are all important factors to consider not only now ... but years down the road to. The truth is, once a guy gets what he wants, especially at that age, he will move on to new frontiers to conquer and she will remain with her conscious ...feeling worse and continuing in a similar path for revenge ... well if he can move on, so can I ... going from one meaningless encounter to the next. Try to teach them value of their own self worth and self esteem. If they want a long term relationship with that has meaning and substance, they must care about themselves first. If someone really loves them, they will respect them in every way ... but as parents, we must teach by example ... not by preaching. If a parent goes from one meaningless relationship to another, they can't expect the children to NOT follow in the same path. Hope that makes sense. Ultimately, everyone has to do what they feel is right in their heart ... and be able to live with the consequences later.

Sarah - posted on 11/04/2012

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Good advice on this thread... I would definitely do the therapy for your daughter, the talking to his parents, I'm glad that you talked to the school, and I agree that bringing another adult with you will help you keep on track and stay focused on the problem and trying to get the situation under control.



Meanwhile, I would also call the phone carrier and take her ability to send photos off her phone. And I'm a pretty strict mom, so you can take this with whatever grain of salt you wish, but I would restrict her access to any cameras for a couple weeks to a month. If she can't be trusted not to take this kind of photos of herself to send to boys, she can't be trusted to take any photos unless I am present when they are taken.



I think the therapy is the most important thing here. I do think that if you change her school, it may or may not be effective. These kinds of things, especially when they are in cyberspace, are the kinds of things that can follow you from place to place. Better to get her talking to someone who can help her get secure enough in who she is to weather this storm proudly and avoid behaviors that will cause it to repeat itself later on...

Jaylene - posted on 11/01/2012

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#1 Your daughter could but wont necessarily be held accountable for this deal with the pictures but it is a crime and you need to call the authorities. Sexting as this is called is a form of child pornography. #2 All the kids involve can also be held accountable for threatening to use this against her . . . .and I would qualify that under bullying. If you dont have any luck with the police dept. or the schools contact the media. I am sure you have a tv channel that goes out and helps the public with solving problems where they cannot get issues solved the normal way. #3 Your daughter mind need a few therapy sessions as well.



Im not sure where you are at but our local affiliates that would help are WAVY TV-10 and WTKR Chan 3. They both do this type of story and would keep your daughters name out of it too. This would be a great outlet if nothing gets done or if you just want to become a spokesperson for what is happening in our schools.

Janis - posted on 11/01/2012

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This makes me so angry for our kids :( They have issues to deal with that we can't even imagine!! I think i would try and find a male friend (brother....? pastor...?) and go take this to his parents too. Copy all the msg's you have for proof and lay the cards out on the table. If they are any kind of parents they will stop it. I say take a "male" because alot of times a single mom isn't taken seriously. Sad to say.

Shame on these kids that do such awful things to one another :( It just breaks my heart.

And Facebook has such a power over our children too.

We had a situation to where i desperately needed for my daughter to be able to see a counselor but we just didn't have the $$$. I was told by my daughter's Dr. that sometimes these large churches have psychologists that "donate" their time to help people who can't afford to pay someone a fee. It's worth a try.

My heart aches for you ..... love your daughter, support her, encourage her and try to keep the communication lines open. If you think its time to move her to another school - do it. I too remember reading about the poor girl in Canada who ended up taking her own life :*(

I think you are doing a great job in being pro active in alerting the school authorities too! Good thinking! Please keep us informed as to how things are going.....((HUGS))

Amy - posted on 11/01/2012

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I agree with the two previous Posts. I would also call the cell phone carrier and turn the ability for your daughter to send pictures off on her phone. This will keep her from sharing any other photos. I know she has learned, but if you make it unavailable, the temptation to do it again will be gone.

Kristin - posted on 10/31/2012

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Thats hard one. I would transfer her schools and talk to the police. I live in Canada and recently we had a huge mass media geared towards cyber bullying as a girl flashed her boobs on a chat site and it got all over the internet. She was bullied so bad she eventually killed herself. I would talk to the police for sure about the blackmail etc as well talk to the kids parents before this gets out of hand. Kids are very cruel nowadays and with technology it is hard to hide. Get your daughter into therapy as well to help raise her self esteem. She needs to deal with the abuse she seen you go through so she knows not to let anyone treat her in an abusive manner or any way she doesnt like. Hopefully this will all work out for the best for you and your daughter i will keep you both in my prayers.

Laurie - posted on 10/31/2012

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I would take her to see a therapist. She probably has low self esteem issues and a therapist could help her with this an other issues she may have after growing up in an abusive home.



I think I would also call the boys parents and let them know the mistake your daughter has made, but the threats and blackmailing that their son is threatening to do.





Laurie

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