Wow. Help. 14 yr old daughter

Donthinkso2004 - posted on 05/26/2014 ( 1 mom has responded )

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I'm a 38 year old mom if a 14 1/2 girl. I've been married to her dad 16 1/2 years he is 59. We have been fortunate enough to provide her a privileged life. Not spoiled so much as fortunate. Our daughter is smart sweet loved by her teachers excels in school and sports. Out of the blue, we learned 2 weeks ago she had been lying to us, had had sex at least twice, started smoking pot was curious about other drugs and had snuck out to see her boyfriend in middle of night. Boyfriend was 16 when they met. I didn't like it. I didn't oppose too much as my husband talked me Into it. They were always in our living room with us and watched very close never allowed in her room even she also never was allowed in his car. So I learn of this backstabbing by taking her phone, and 2 others she had hidden she was using on wifi and comb them. I learned LOT. I saw pictures if things I NEVER COULD have imagined. A video of her smoking pot before school. Shocking stuff. I learn things that I can't tell her dad because he's had 3 heart attacks cancer and is near death already, I don't want to mKe it worse. At first we want to kill her. We are extremely hurt too. We grieved for days and days. Then it occurs to me it's our fault. 3-4 mos prior my husband let her know we smoked pot occasionally. She knew her 25 year old half sister did. But he told her and confirmed it without even talking to me first. I think it was then that her image of us shattered. How can WE tell her one thing while we are lying all the time?! Since he told her, she hadn't changed on the outside. But had when I started seeing a timeline on her cells. Since the even 2 weeks ago she's been grounded and not allowed to see the boy. My husbands bday was Saturday a& he had a huge party. Had I known it was going to be insane I would have sent her to my moms. He let her have 2 or 3 bday shots over the night. At the end of the party I know she had to be buzzed I remained sober. She went to bed and I heard noises and went in her room & she was trying to smoke pot. I told her to give it to me she said "what? I'm not doing anything". I began looking for what she hid & couldn't find it. She continued looking me in the eye and lying. Finally she said she had sum pot. For me, it isn't the pot as much as the lying, again. I don't know what to do or how to stop it. She has my husband on her side now and u can't be divided parents. Help.

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Tanya - posted on 05/26/2014

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This young girl seems to have a lot of issues she has to deal with in her household alone.

Perhaps instead of catching her in the act, plan an activity that just the 2 of you can do and talk to her. Ask her what's going on, what intrigues her about pot, talk about the boyfriend (don't be to negative), etc. Make sure she knows you are disappointed in her doing these things and that you never thought your daughter would do this.

Stop trying to 'catch' her...she will just do it more.

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