Wow. Help. 14 yr old daughter

Donthinkso2004 - posted on 05/26/2014 ( 2 moms have responded )

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I'm a 38 year old mom if a 14 1/2 girl. I've been married to her dad 16 1/2 years he is 59. We have been fortunate enough to provide her a privileged life. Not spoiled so much as fortunate. Our daughter is smart sweet loved by her teachers excels in school and sports. Out of the blue, we learned 2 weeks ago she had been lying to us, had had sex at least twice, started smoking pot was curious about other drugs and had snuck out to see her boyfriend in middle of night. Boyfriend was 16 when they met. I didn't like it. I didn't oppose too much as my husband talked me Into it. They were always in our living room with us and watched very close never allowed in her room even she also never was allowed in his car. So I learn of this backstabbing by taking her phone, and 2 others she had hidden she was using on wifi and comb them. I learned LOT. I saw pictures if things I NEVER COULD have imagined. A video of her smoking pot before school. Shocking stuff. I learn things that I can't tell her dad because he's had 3 heart attacks cancer and is near death already, I don't want to mKe it worse. At first we want to kill her. We are extremely hurt too. We grieved for days and days. Then it occurs to me it's our fault. 3-4 mos prior my husband let her know we smoked pot occasionally. She knew her 25 year old half sister did. But he told her and confirmed it without even talking to me first. I think it was then that her image of us shattered. How can WE tell her one thing while we are lying all the time?! Since he told her, she hadn't changed on the outside. But had when I started seeing a timeline on her cells. Since the even 2 weeks ago she's been grounded and not allowed to see the boy. My husbands bday was Saturday a& he had a huge party. Had I known it was going to be insane I would have sent her to my moms. He let her have 2 or 3 bday shots over the night. At the end of the party I know she had to be buzzed I remained sober. She went to bed and I heard noises and went in her room & she was trying to smoke pot. I told her to give it to me she said "what? I'm not doing anything". I began looking for what she hid & couldn't find it. She continued looking me in the eye and lying. Finally she said she had sum pot. For me, it isn't the pot as much as the lying, again. I don't know what to do or how to stop it. She has my husband on her side now and u can't be divided parents. Help.

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♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 05/28/2014

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Sorry, but your husband is enabling her behaviour. You two need to get on the same page for parenting, starting with him NOT enabling her to drink and smoke.

Good luck with that.

JANIS ANN - posted on 05/27/2014

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IF YOUR FOURTEEN YEAR OLD DAUGHTER IS GOING TO KEEP LYING TO YOU, YOU NEED TO CUT HER OFF AT THE KNEES, I MEAN TAKE ALL THE THINGS THAT MEAN THE MOST TO HER AWAY, NOT JUST HER PHONES, TAKE AWAY HER COMPUTER, CAR, HER RIGHTS TO SEE HER BOYFRIEND, TAKE IT ALL AWAY UNTIL SHE COMES AROUND AND LISTENS TO YOU AND YOUR HUSBAND

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