should i stay or go?

[deleted account] ( 10 moms have responded )

in my previous posts ive talked about my exhusband who was my boyfriend the past ten months, left us. I sit here day after day with my little toddler, working online to finish my degree that ive recently changed before he walked out on us, and i of course want to be close to my family....i live in arkansas, its beautiful, so many things to do around here and places ot see. i moved here from ks and so did he and he has family out here. im 33 yrs old and am lost in life....i feel like i worry soooo much and dont know what to do. he has only seen our daughter two hours in the month he has been gone. we are done, i dont want to be with him as he is. he fooled me into thinking wed be together for ever this time, seemed to be right at the time he was due in court in ks for past due childsupport alimony of 12k. we have had such bad luck the whole time ive been abck together with him. so since i signed away the past due child support that we were back together i feel so stupid. that was a year ago. now he makes about 3500 a month and is self employed, so theres no taxes or anything, hes a barber and is no filing anything currently. anyways, i have no one here, no one to go do things with and its hard to put on a smile to meet new ppl in this state of mind of him l eaving us without me having a job or any relatives here. do i stay here, where ive always wanted to live and make it on my own. or go back home for the second time in two yrs of living out here. when i had my daughter and lived in ks, i only saw my grandmother who is 83 now. she s the grandmother who makes you feel like youre so special. i barely saw my parents as they have their own lives and doing things with my younger brother and ssiter. they dont send gifts to my daughter or ever call me. i always call them. i have gotten ahold of my dad twice this year....he hates my ex and so does everyone else. but while i needed them and was pregnant no one was there and i was going through a divorce. i just really need the company. in ks, id have a problem finding a job, here he is paying all the bills til the lease is up in july, this is his guilty way of taking care of us since i am in school fulltime online and cant afford daycare. i feel like im wasting my life away the past month, doesnt seem like long, but feels like forever when youre lonely. i just cant believe he drives by our street to and from work everyday and never stops by. what would you do???

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Randi - posted on 03/19/2012

10

25

0

FYI- "family" is who you decide to love. I have lots of friends that I consider "family" they would do anything for me and I for them.

Randi - posted on 03/19/2012

10

25

0

have you thought about talking to someone in person? its sound to me like you are depressed and you need to get help- either through counseling or medications. Most places have free or discounted counseling- I would start by looking at a churches, they usually know where to send you to get what you need. how much time and effort your ex is putting into seeing your daughter will help you determine if its healthier for her to have a relationship with her father or not. BTW money doesn't equal caring/love. he may be paying for everything cause is cheaper to keep you happy than make you mad so you go to court. in a lot of states if you get assistance (financial, food stamps or medicaid) the state will assist you in getting child support cause then they can pay you less in aid. self employed or not he still has to pay taxes or else he will go to jail. you can make friends by doing something you enjoy (martial arts or volunteering-i am sure the animal shelter is looking for volunteers- you and your daughter can go "play" with the animals. this is a great way to teach you daughter how to properly treat animals and shelter animals always have plenty of love to give)

10 Comments

View replies by

Crissi - posted on 03/30/2012

2

0

0

The first thing I would do is finish the online degree. Next, I would go down to the county office and file for child support. I know it seems harsh, but you have to think of your daughter now. If you can find a good paying job in Arkansas, receive child support, and make it on your own, then I would stay there. Have you tried joining a moms' group at a church or community center? I think you would feel so much better if you made friends with other moms. Also, once you firmly place your ex outside your life (except for visits with baby girl) your parents may call or come see you and your daughter more often.

[deleted account]

yea i already have the copies of his arrest record and 911 call document. and the pictures of his mom who was beaten. i think tmrw i will look up free legal couselling and talk to me dhs office.

Randi - posted on 03/20/2012

10

25

0

make sure you keep any information you can in case you need to give the information to the judge to have a court ordered investigation. also go get a copy of his arrest record or incident report and give it to the family court judge so you can request no visitation and worse case scenario he will get supervised visitation (there are company's that do this for a charge that he will have to pay--do not allow a private party like his parents or siblings be the supervision if you can help it) basically arm yourself with any information you can to help your case and it may be good to see if there is a legal aid program that can help you out for reduced or free in some cases. getting out and talking to other people who live in your area will help you get some of the information you need to get help (a police officer may be the best place to start they deal with domestic issues all the time and have access to resources for information) oh and don't tell him that you are collecting information on him and keep any documents hidden from him cause he may steal them to protect himself good luck and let me know what happens :)

[deleted account]

oh good. see when we lived in ks. he was ordered to pay 75.00 a month, and i got the income tax return. this was based on him making min wage and paying 275 amonth to his three kids to his first exwife. i liked to passed out. 75.00 is nothing. i dont know how to prove he makes 3500 but our bills plus his other childrens child support, our diapers and other needs equals about 1200 he is paying out. i know when he pays our utilities and rent he adds money to a prepaid card to call in the payments. so there is a record of deposits for that card if the judge asks to see it. Thank you so much for your advice. i jsut dont want to make the wrong move. i also learned from his promises last time when we divorced and i was pregnant, he was to pay all the bills until i was ready to go back to work, that was about the same as it is now. he didnt do it but a month and got hooked up with some new girl and she got involved. he cant think on his own, she got in his head to not help us and it was agreed upon and put in our divorce decree he was to pay all of that for three years. he was 12k behind when he and i got back together. i believe it was to do away with the past due so he wouldnt go to jail. i just dont see him being scared of any authority. he does what he wants. he has gotten a dui and still drives everywhere without the breather thing in his car that is court ordered. he is on probation for domestic violence in the 3rd degree and agrevated bulgrary when he beat his mother up after drinking so much he blacked out. this was a month following his dads death. so he got a slap on the wrist and has to pay court fines for that. he isn't scared of the repurcusions. so if he is court ordered to pay me, he will do like last time and let us suffer for almost a year before he does anything about it.

Randi - posted on 03/20/2012

10

25

0

You do not have to cry to be depressed. I think you need to get out and you will start feeling better overall. As for only 100 dollars a month in child support- that is incorrect. The federal level is 17.5% of his gross income for 1 child. That comes to $612.50 per month if he is making $3500 per month. Also a judge will always award you something even if they use minimum wage as his income. As for proof, there is always proof that someone is working. You state that he is paying your bills, how is he doing that if he isn't working? If the court decides to award him visitation he must be current on his child support. Also if you can prove that it isn't healthy for your daughter to see him the court may not award him visitation or at least supervised visitation. You can do research and find out exactly what laws you have on your side. I believe you will find that most of them are. (In Florida the mother has 51% custodial rights to children even though the parents live together for example) I would keep track of everything he does or doesn't do cause it will benefit you legally later. If he isn't keeping receipts of what he is paying then the court will go back to the day he moved out. He will have to prove everything to a judge, if you tell the judge he is working he will have to prove he is not etc.

[deleted account]

i dont feel depressed i dont cry or miss him, i feel relieved he isnt here to fight with or have to constantly push our daughter on him to play with or color a picture with or take her with him places. to show affection to us both. now its her and i and i guess i thought being away from her would make him want to see her. He knows, that i will cause a big fuss and go to court and he will get in trouble for not filing taxes. but how will he go to jail if there isnt any proof he works? if i go get cash/daycare assistnace tmrw, will they go after him in child support? if they do thats only about 100 a month. if i go through all of that and turn him in for cs then he willstop paying all the bills and thats about 800 a month. he will be a jerk and not buy diapers or anything if i take him to court. then the court will force child visitations, he doesnt want to see her now but he knows that it bothers me and will push it. I dont think its healthy at all for him to come around an hour every two weeks. he doesnt even spend his day off with her. he didnt want kids he has three in another state he hasnt seen in over a year and a half. so i dont know what to do.

[deleted account]

jenna, my family too is five hours away. christmas and new years was lonely as he was with his mom in the hospital when she had open heart surgery. and my babys second bday is the 26th and hes mentioned nothing. oh well. i may just go home to see everyone. im lucky to not have to pay any bills here and i love it around here. alot of ppl say he cares alot about us or he wouldnt be taking care of us financially, i think its because he feels guilty for walking out when we have nothing. i can transfer my college classes to my hometown college to finish my degree. i dont see that hes being active. last monday he and his mom came to visit an hour brought two cases of diapers, case of wipes a little dress and gave me some cash. this was to last me all month i guess. but no calls and no visits to our baby since. that was the second time he has seen her since feb 13.

User - posted on 03/12/2012

4

0

1

Well, I'm new to the boards here and I don't know all that you've gone through, but I can tell you my experience and feelings on it. I am in a similar situation. I am in the middle of a state that I'm quite happy in geographically, but I have no family around me. My ex is an involved parent, so that is fine, but...I'm still lonely, with an only child, and no family. My closest family members live 5 hours away. If I had the choice (meaning, if I didn't have to stay here for her dad), I would go back "home." No matter if I didn't see my relatives much. They would be there for birthdays and holidays and that might be just enough of a boost for me to stretch my wings beyond them during other times.



I wish I had your option to go. If he doesn't fight you on it (and if he is not seeing your child as it is), then I say go. If he does have a relationship with your child, that is a different story. That's why I stay. I won't break up my daughter and her father. But if he's not being a father in even the most minimal way? Take care of yourself and go.



Now, that being said, I am staying where I have no family and have no plans to return to where I grew up. I've learned to cope (it's been a few years) and if you do decide to stay, feel free to message me. I have some coping strategies. :)

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms