having a child who dies before there time

Stacy - posted on 01/05/2010 ( 146 moms have responded )

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My name is Stacy Owens, I live in Denver Co. im interested in reading, gardening, scrapbooking.


About two months ago,I lost my son to cancer, its been the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I feel alone, scared, and noboby understands. I also have a daughter 19 who going through the same pain as me. i just want to talk about him.

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Carol - posted on 08/01/2013

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My 29 year old son Geoffrey died five years ago Novenbet 20. My heart is broken. I think of him all the time, and hate to get out of bed to face another day. I do get out of bed and go to work, but I feel like I'm just going through the motions. I find it difficult to see joy in the little and big things in life. I miss Geoffrey terribly!

Tanishia - posted on 04/11/2013

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My name is Tanishia Smith and I lost my nine year old daughter Ja'Nya Nicole about three months ago on 1/6/2013. And most days I cry all day or I lay in bed and feel hopeless all day. Sometimes I cant eat, or sleep. I havent left my house since her death I only to go to the doctor. I dont have any energy or the will to go on. The only thing that has kept me alive is my family, her school, her friends, and my other two kids and my husband. I am not living my life for me anymore i live it for them. I have contemplated suicide but i tried it at thirteen and its a horrible experience. I couldnt imagine my kids finding me dead on the floor. I think about what that would do to them. They have already lost a sister and I couldnt imagine what they would feel if they lost me. I have to tell my self that I am lucky to have had 9 years with her. Those were the best years of my life. And I have to tell my self that even though god seperated us on this earth he didnt seperate our hearts. Our hearts will always be together and I will always love her. I am in grief counseling and my kids are too. And, I have found that talking about her helps. I talk about her to anyone who will listen. I know it makes them very uncomfortable but I just want everyone to know how special she really was: So let me tell you about My Ja'Nya. She walked at eight months, she taught herself how to ride abike, tie her shoes, and she even skipped a grade because she was so intelligent. She was very nice she wanted to help everybody. She said her goal in life is to work with other kids with asthma. She was diagnosed with severe asthma and she saw a pulmonologist monthly. You wouldnt know by the way she acted she was full of life and energy. She loved to dance and make people laugh there was never a dull moment when you were around her. She was everyones best friend including mine. She had a slumber party at nine and so many fiends wanted to come i had to to rent a house for all her friends. She was a sweet little girl. She always had a smile no matter what. She was always determined to conquer challenges if she couldnt get it right the first time she would keep going until she could do it. Nothing was to hard for her. She had a talent of writing and drawing I kept all her drawings since kindergarten. She even won a contest at her school for the best drawing. Ja'Nya wanted to beat asthma and she did on Jan. 6th, 2013 she got the ultimate healing to be healed in heaven. I hope my story encouraged all the mothers out here suffering. Get in counseling, talk about your child, cry when you need to, if you dont want to eat dont, if you dont want to talk, dont. This is your journey. Nobody can tell you how to feel. I still ask god why did he only give me nine years with her if he knew she was that special. I even ask why does he allow us to suffer with the pain of losing our children. I think thats a question that all mothers have who have lost their children. I am still waiting on an answer. But, I just wrote this to encourage the mothers. We have been through so much and have suffered alot we need encouragement not all the negativety and the akwardness thats associated with losing our children. We are human and even though weve experienced the worst kind of suffering there is there is hope for us at the end of the road. Keep your head up. I love every mother who has lost a child.

Tracy - posted on 02/22/2013

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Hi I'm so sorry for you loss and understand some of your pain I lost my Som Jordan on the 1/1/2009 aged 12 and 9 months to a brain Tumour I also have a older son, I felt so alone like half of me had died with him it's now 4 years since Jordan's passing but the pain is the same if you need to chat let me know take care of your self and your daughter xxx

JoAnn - posted on 12/09/2011

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hi Stacy my name is JoAnn Dalgaard and I belong to a group called Loss of an Adult or Young Adult Child and believe me i know how you feel I lost my daughter on jan 26,2008 she was 19 she went to sleep and never woke up we at the group are there for each other 24/7 so please fell free to join us we welcome you and your daughter

Jewelene - posted on 01/11/2010

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Stacey, My name is Jewelene, I have had six childeren three boys three girls. I lost my first born at 6 months into the pregnancy. I have the RH factor in my blood it is RH negative so I stand a chance that my blood will fight the unborn baby and cause death if not handled in time. It was back in 1977 I was only 15 but it was with the man I ended up marrying. They gave me a shot of rhogam afte I lost him so the future pregnancy's would be ok. I guess the point is this has been over thirty years ago and five childeren later and I still miss him but in a more of an understanding way . God gives us the gift of time and it does heal the pain to a point. I did not know my son like you did. I saw him laying their after the doctor delivered him and that image will forever be in my mind. He looked just like my daughter Jamie so when I look at her I imagine him grown up. Loosing a child at anytime is horrible. I have had friends that have lost children that were in their teens and that was very horrible they were just beggening to live. I do have faith in God and I know he does have his reasons why he does allow a child to die is beyound my understanding, My ex used to tell me it is not for us to question. My answer to him was you havent carried a baby in you're body have you..... Have you thought of writing a book about his life? And dedacating it to him? That reaches out to alot of people that did not know how wonderful he was and what he went through on his journey with cancer. I think it would help you to heal also having so many people reading the book and reaching out to you... The son I lost I named Luke. And the last two kids I had I was in my fourty's and the doctors made me feel like I was taking such a big chance because I was so old. I refused an amnio . Both kids turned out just fine ten pounds and smart in school. Did I mention my stomache took a bad beating ugh. Oh well they were worth it. Stacey I guess what Iam trying to say is when we get pregnant you roll the dice , We just dont know what we are bringing into the world but we love whatever we get and are willing to love and raise them through pain and laughter and their is alot of both. My heart goes out to you and you are in my prayers. I really wish My son Luke would of lived. I guess God had a plan for him . They say that heaven is so wonderful , I know it is my son luke is their..... God bless....

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Marie Christine - posted on 04/20/2016

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Marie paul
I lost my 28 yr old son 8mos ago some days are just as difficult as the day i lost him. Some days are agony. People think its enough time they stop calling no one asks how you are. Some people just stay away they dont want to deal with yout pain they have their own families i even feel a sense of annoyance because im not myself . They think enough time has past i should be back to normal and up to everything. I have never felt so alone in my life. My best friend died a few months before my son i miss her too i know she would of been my rock. I wonder how many other moms experience so much of a feeling of being misunderstood alone and just trying to put on a brave face because people dont want to be around someone who is sad.
Marie

Marie Christine - posted on 03/15/2016

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I am so sorry for your loss,i lost my 28 yr old son a little over 6mos ago i miss him terribly the pain can be unbearable& its feels like the more time that passes the less support you have some people even drop out of your life. I wish others could feel what we live with maybe then they would understand but it seems like to some people there is a time limit on grief or it doesn't hurt as much because our children were older. Im so sorry that you have to go thru this i think people think that talking about our children with hurt us but not talking about them is acting like they never existed and that hurts more. Im im the same place no one understands the pain except another broken hearted mother the pain is sometimes to much too bear. I wish i could touch someone &say feel this just for a second feel what i feel so you would understand. I wouldn't wish this on anyone but i wish people could just understand ¬ disappear from our lives & talk about our precious children with us. My heart goes out to you.
Marie

Quynhanhdr - posted on 08/30/2015

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I lost my precious son more than one year ago. He had a rears heart defect which had not been detected for a long time. He died just 1 day before hie first birthday..: please help me through this. I can not go on. I cry many times aday

Nesha - posted on 12/09/2013

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Hi I am so sorry for your loss...my son died a year ago in an accident at home where he was taken to the hospital never to return...it hurts every day but the good lord have been there for me and he will be there for you...just pray a lot..it helps....

Kerry - posted on 02/20/2013

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stacy im so sorry to read your story.... thats so awful my heart bleeds for you darling... im so sorry!!! kerry xx

Lorrie - posted on 01/29/2013

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I know that people will say time will heal bc they believe that and they want the person to have hope, but it doesn't! We lost our two kids at ages 5 and 9 16 yrs ago. Time does not heal but you do learn how to live with it and go on. We no longer cry each day as we think of them but holidays, we are a reck for a good two weeks. My step=father who also lost two kids at two different times actually gave us the best advice, it never stops hurting. You just learn how to live with out them here over time. We found that time could be our worse enemy or our best friend those first few years. We took up ceramics just to keep our minds and our hands busy. We also understood that although both of us were grieving the same loss, it was ok to grieve differntly. We really leaned on each other and God for strength. It brought us closer and God has since blessed us with 3 wonderful adopted children. Talking about my kids did not help my hubby but it did a world of good for me. May God give comfort to all who have lost a child or children at any age.
Lorrie

Broken - posted on 01/27/2013

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im sorry to here about your son . i feel the same way almost my son died 8 years ago just lost and alone have alot people around it dosnt matter always alone i was drinking jail fighting just alot of trouble but you know what all the bulshit never brought my sweet son albert back he took his own life i was very close with him didnt pick any thing up i will always blame my self because i was his mother and hate myself toooooo i dont think im ever going to be happy again but thats me the docter sayed when somebody kills them self they dont say anything i dont care i feel the way i do .

Deborah - posted on 01/20/2012

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I am terribly sorry for your loss, Stacy. I can't begin to imagine what kind of pain you are going through, but my heart goes out to what you are dealing with.



Try looking online for grief counseling groups, or talk to a therapist. Since you live in a much bigger city, investigate the counseling centers in your area. There is one where I live (very small town) that helps people who walk in the door. My father passed away this summer, so in the grief aspect I can understand a little, but my mother is getting help from the place I mentioned above.



Any emotion you are feeling, feel it. If you are angry, try to channel that into something productive or healthy, exercising, cleaning house...I would suggest working in your garden but it's wintertime... find a way to spend that negative energy into something helpful.



What helps me deal with my pain from losing my father is knowing he isn't in pain anymore, he can't suffer anymore. He's happy where he is because of that. I know he's sorry he had to go, and I know he misses all of us as deeply as we miss him. I just remind myself of everything he doesn't have to deal with anymore, and that brings me a sense of peace.

Robin - posted on 01/17/2012

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I lost my son at 21 years old. He was almost 22 years old. He was the love of my life. I also had a 4 year old when he passed. HE was in a car accident. I was pregnant for my daughter at the time. She was my diamond in the rough.

I also have another daughter who was 16 when Chuck passed.

She has been fighting cancer for 12 almost 13 years. We just found out that she has 2 tumors in her bladder. She is scheduled on the 9th of Feb. for biopsies.

It is hard any way you loose a child. I don't know how. I lost my father 3 years after my son died. My grandson was born. I lost my mom and my great nephew was born.

God always let me know he still loves me. My mother use to say we were put on this earth to learn lessons.

I know God wants us to know love. He is love.. We can't go to heaven with him or lift up with him unless we have love in our hearts ... love lifted me... you know?

I don't know. My father was in the hospital almost a year before he passed. To see him suffer on life support for so long and watch him dwindle and get weak and weaker was

hard to endure. My dad use to hold my hand when I was a little girl to go to the ice cream stand. Then, I was holding his when he had to go...

MY mom .. I was at fireworks at the end of the canal festival. I wanted her to come. She said she wasn't feeling good. My dad and her use to love the fireworks together. They were married 50 years! MY mom was missing my dad so much.

The next day I called her to see if she needed anything from the store.. She didn't answer the phone. I went over and she didn't answer the door. I thought maybe she went out with my brother. I called him

NO.. So, we went over together. He called the police.

They broke down the door. My mom looked all pretty with her pink blanket and her hair in rollers and pinned. She had taken her bath and fed her doggy and her beautiful Himalayan cat.

Her legs were always so beautiful all through our growing up I thought so. MY brother said, Robin, look her beautiful leg.. It was not covered. She was always beautiful to us.. She was the one person I could always count on to love me. MY mom.

Hers in the beginning and hers in the end...

I miss everyone I have lost.

There was an old lady I was talking to one day she was 100 yrs old. I asked her what the hardest part of getting old is? She said, loosing all of the people you love.. She said," I am the only one left in my family."

My sick daughter told me, "mom." "You always told us, "WHAT DOESN'T KILL US ONLY MAKES US STRONGER." "You are so right."



When my son passed, CHUCK, my daughter, Jessica

(older son and daughter) was 16 at the time. She had trouble dealing with it too. So did my 4 year old. YOU have to hold them when they cry and try to be strong. There are times I cried with them. We held each other up at times. We laid in bed the three of us crying. There were times I just tried so hard not to cry. I was pregnant for my daughter. I didn't want to go blind or have my baby have birth marks or something.

My daughter punched walls had night mirrors. I had to hold her a lot. MY son was playing with Chuck's GI joe's and talking to Charlie. He was suppose to be sleeping.

I was throwing up a lot and couldn't hold food down. I just ate soups or salad. Just anything I could get in me for my baby. Christmas I tried making the best of it. I was sick again. On the bathroom floor.

MY daughter couldn't stand the changes with Charlie gone.

She started staying at a friends. I helped her get an apartment. I stayed with her a lot on her time. She stayed with me. After a while we moved into a double together. She was upstairs and I was down. When we needed each other we were there. MY daughter was in love since she was 13 with a boy. At 20 she gave birth to my grandson.. The same year is when my dad died..

I took care of my mom as much as she wanted me to.

She never really recovered. I think sadness can cause cancer. Or maybe have a part into it.

I guess you can say I can totally understand the pain you are feeling. It never ever goes away. You will always have the pain. You just learn to live with it. As time goes by and you are living a new chapter in your life, the only way to survive it is to live today and leave the past in the past.

The one you loved will never be forgotten.

If you don't look at it as a new chapter and realize life is different now and you keep reaching for the past you will not survive it all. YOU have to find your own happiness now.

JUST a little at a time. Go to the gym and work out. Get your anger out there. I am now. Years later. I wish I would have sooner. Instead I ice creamed out.. NOT a good plan. Now I am working on getting diabetes under control. Exercise and diet... It is making me feel better.

Maybe it will work for you to be happier too. I am going with my daughter and son everyday. We are starting classes for Zuma dance too... Try to find something you loved when you were a little girl.. Reach out to find yourself again. I lost me.. I am just finding me again....

I hope I helped you. It has been a long hard road. I wouldn't trade it. I am thankful I knew my son. I am thankful I had him a part of my life that I did. I am so thankful that I had the parents I had. I love them so much.

They made me the person I am today. I know God. I love God and I keep pushing. Write to me if you want.. Robin

Brandie - posted on 12/14/2011

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my son is at the end of his battle. On monday we took him to the doctor and learned that his tumors are growing much faster than they had originally anticipated. We want to go home but He doesnt want hospice, he said he is done with all "the stupid doctors and nurses and I just want my mommy and daddy to take care of me at home again" I want to take him home but I am so scared of him dying and me not being able to let go of him! I'm afraid he wont make it until christmas and I'm afraid I wont be able to care for him in the way he needs to be cared for. any suggestions?

Vui Hin - posted on 12/09/2011

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So sorry. Have you heard of "The Beatitudes"
"Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven,
Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted,
Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth,
Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteouness, for they will filled,
Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy,
Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God,
Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called sons of God. Bye for now

Karen - posted on 12/08/2011

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feel free talk to me anytime. i lost my daughter at the age of 13 she was a seperated conjoined twin. we did not expect her departure to paradise one month ago she left behind 4 sistersw and three brothers they are not dealing with this well. most people say they understand but when u loose a child especially a sick child u feel even more hepless or at least thats how i feel i feel as if i failed her. if u wanna chat im here i would love to hear your stories and share mine as well god bless

CARLA - posted on 07/28/2010

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I AM SO SORRY ABOUT YOUR SON, BUT I DO UNDERSTAND HOW YOU FEEL, WE LOST OUR ONLY CHILD, IISHA 11 MONTH AGO, AND I STILL CAN"T GET IT TOGETHER... WE MOVED IN WITH MY MOM, WE HAD TO GET OUT OF THAT HOUSE, SHE PASSED AWAY AT HOME, WE TRY TO KEEP BUSY BUT THE NIGHT ARE STILL THE HARDEST..AND FOR SOME REASON MY HUSBAND AND I FIGHT OVER THE DUMPEST THING NOW, WE BEEN MARRIED 17YRS,,I STILL SLEEP WITH THE LIGHT ON MAKE ME FEEL LIKE SHE STILL HERE...BUT IN TIME WE BEING ONE OF JEHOVAH WITNESS WE KNOW WE WILL SHE OUR PRECIOUS DAUGHTER AGAIN VERY SOON, WITH THAT HOPE WE HAVE IT MAKE IT EASIER FOR US...

.Debra - posted on 07/08/2010

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Dear Stacy,
i understand what you are going Thur i lost a niece over 17yrs ago from a car accident we think about her all the time and wonder if she would of been married and how many children she would of had

Ellyn - posted on 07/08/2010

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Hi Stacy. I'm sorry you lost your son Tyler. I, too, lost my son Daniel March 23, 2004. He was 3 years 5 months old to the day and we also lost him to cancer, too. Danny was a St. Jude patient for over 2 1/2 years. We live on Long Island and left the hospital in the middle of the night to move to Memphis to save our son. I now am 42 and have a son Dylan 4 and daughter Leah who will be 3 next week on July 19th. I know your pain. I don't sleep at night and suffer from severe anxiety always worrying about my other children. My husband gets upset with me that I talk to anybody about Danny, I wear his picture on a heart around my neck and people usually tell me Dylan looks so beautiful. I always tell them that it's Danny and will talk about him. It makes me feel good letting people know he's my oldest, we are his legacy and that he was so worth it. He still is - I tell everyone he's still "my heart" and he is just that. I think it's wonderful you want to talk about Tyler - he's still your son and "your heart". I'm sending you a hug because I know you could use one.

Angela - posted on 07/04/2010

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Stacey, tell me about your son. how was his laugh ? his favorite thing to do ? how old was he ? how did it make you feel when he smiled at you ? all those little things are the best ! I am sorry for your loss. I have no idea your pain because I have never lost a child. I want you to know you can tell me all about him !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

User - posted on 07/03/2010

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I can relate to Debra Moore. We were adopting a little girl. A week before the court date, Texas CPS took away and said they found some long lost family member. We had this child for over a year. Sara was pulled from my arms crying. We never saw her again, It felt like a death. I know it does not compare to your loss Stacy. I am very sorry for your loss. I work in a children's hospital. Unfortunately, we have children die some times. That is the hardest part of my job. Because no parent expects to live past their children. But, remember everyone has there own grief process. Your daughter may not be ready to talk about him yet. I would find a grief support group. Check out this website www.compassionatefriends.org. They have great resources in Denver for support groups that may be helpful.
You might want to think of some things that you like to do that will help you remember him, scrapbooking, journaling. Let your daught know that you love her and that you want to talk about him, when she is ready to talk, ask her to let you know. This way you let her know your feelings and leave the door open for here come in anytime. God bless you and your family. I will pray for you all. Just so you know, even though I never saw Sara again, I have a picture on my desk with my son and I put her Christmas ornament on our tree every year and I still remember her birthday every year. IT has been 7 yrs.

Joan - posted on 02/08/2010

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hi

i am so sorry for your loss. i lost my brother 12/31/09 he was 37 i know that this does not compare. i just wanted to let you know that you are not alone in your pain. you might want to find a support group to also help you. i wish you the best.

joan

Cindie - posted on 02/08/2010

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Stacy- I am so sorry for your loss. I have never lost a child but I have lost a sister and my niece (her daughter) we just past 9 yrs on the 6th. She would have been 32 one the 1st and her daughter would have been 12 when they were killed. 2001 wasn't a good year for us and as lots of people have told you everyone grieves differently. I miss singing with my sister the most and the hugs but it changes and you learn to live again. My younger son was conceived the May after this happened so I have a wonderful 8yr old to help get me thru of course with that we also lost his dad while I was pregnant but even his death didn't hit like my niece's. If you ever need to vent or talk or whatever I am here venting is good. Don't fear crying it does cleanse the soul. Take care of yourself and that is part of it.

Esthela - posted on 02/08/2010

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Stacy - Though I have not been in your shoes and pray to God he watches over my son, I believe talking about it is the best thing you can do. May God keep you strong because your daughter will need you too. Know that you have alot friends and readers that you can count on. Take Care !

Michele - posted on 02/08/2010

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Bless you my friend just went threw a loss of her two month old daughter and she sometimes still have and hard time, as long as you have positive family and friends around and people who love you it will feel a little better. I know she still have days that she still cries. Find someone to talk to if not get a note book and write down everything you feel find away to talk to your daughter to heal together.

Becky - posted on 02/07/2010

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Stacy,

I think that writing in a journal would help tremendously. I know that this is not the same scenerio but my very best friend just lost her husband on January 2, 2010 to ALS "Lou Gehrigs Disease" I was there when that exceptional man lost his battle and let me tell you her writing his lifes story in a journal "Their Journey" through what he went through as well as her thoughts helps her right now. No it won't ever bring him back but it does help her to cope with the loss of the love of her life. I think talking about the good times and also remembering who the person was and still is in your heart will make all the world a difference. My husband lost his brother to a car accident at the age of 29. Lost his mother at 61 unexpectedly and also his father in 2008. Keeping the memories and the good times that were shared alive makes the difference. People do not have to die in vain..Let the world know who your son was! You have my utmost sympathy for the journey you are on right now....I pray every day that nothing will happen to my children. I have a daughter who is a United States Marine and she is soon to be deployed. I worry contstantly that something will happen to her. If fate will step in and take her too soon. I do know that if that does happen I will have my memories and the life and the closeness we shared to last me a lifetime. Keep the chin up and know you are in my thoughts and prayers. Sincerely, Becky

Mary - posted on 02/06/2010

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I know its not the same thing but I lost my twin sister two years ago and then June, my dad, I think losing a child would be one of the hardest things in life.....you need to talk about it....the hurt is in you and your daughter......I'm so sorry.....

Patricia - posted on 02/06/2010

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You talk away girl....I responded for several reasons, One being that your last name is Owens...I have a friend who lost her son at 14 months to SUDS Sudden Unidentified Death...his name? OWEN. And I have a sister that lives in Colorado. My girlfriends son past years ago and even though she lives on...she never forgets him..they celebrate his birthday every year and they also mourn his loss on the day he past. Did you ever think about writing in a journal? Making a story about him? Give your daughter her own as well..but never let anybody NOT let you talk about him...he is and always will be your son. The man I am with lost his brother (his only sibling) a few years before we met...we he expressed his unleashed pain to me, and how there was so much he wished he could have said to him...I made him write everything down on paper...we stuck it in a jar and buried it next to his head stone...it made a world a difference to the man I'm with...Knowing his brother could read all that he wanted to say...so Talk away...you have that right!

Becky - posted on 02/02/2010

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Hello Stacy, While all my children still live I had a nephew who was taken from us so unexpectadly. He was my sister and brother in laws pride and joy and their only child that they tried so hard to have in the first place. He was killed in a car accident "was a passenger" in the back seat. all 4 boys had seat belts on and not one of the other 3 had a scratch on them. He had just had his 17th Birthday on July 23rd of 2005 and was killed on his fathers Birthday August 20th of 2005. He would have started his senior year of high school on August 29th. I watch my sister and brother in law go through so much pain. It's something that even time can't erase. I feel your pain. If you need to talk you talk..it's the best medicine. Your in my thoughts and prayers. Becky

Roby - posted on 02/01/2010

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First off let me say I cannot even imagine the pain you and your daughter are going through, I am so sorry to hear of your loss. Secondly some family therapy may be in order. Your daughter is going through her own pain, he was her brother, but kids have a tendency to want to be strong for us. Lean on each other, talk to a grief counselor, and pray for the healing for both you and your daughter, you are in my prayers........God bless

Lydia - posted on 01/31/2010

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Losing a child at any age is tragic. My son was almost 2 when he passed. The Priest at my church told me that God assigns us all chores to do on Earth, like the ones we must do everyday at home. When we finish our chores he calls us back to the fold, some of us sooner, some of us later, but never before it is time. That is because as we all know it is always in God's time not ours that everything happens. God Bless You and your daughter, and keep talking because that is where the healing is. It has been 28 years this March since my son passed and to this day I have good and bad days. The hardest is around the anniversary of his death, but I keep on moving forward, because living is for those of us that are still here.

Heide - posted on 01/30/2010

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Stacy I do know how deep the pain is of losing a precious child. I lost my 16 year daughter in 2005 and the sadness of missing her is with me always. I do have another wonderful daughter who is now older than the beloved daughter I lost. As a mother both of my children will always have a piece of my heart each, so as a mother your children will always have a piece of your heart each too - no one can take that away from you. Your beautiful 19 year old daughter might not grieve in the same way as you do and it may take time for you both to be able to want to talk about your lovely son together at the same time or even in the same way. One thing is for sure, your daughter will still need you as much as ever. Talking about your son though to friends, or to a bereavement counsellor, I am sure will help you - that is what has helped me more than anything. Ginger suggested making a journal, well I think that's a lovely idea, you could include in it sympathy cards, photos, and anything else you can think of, as well as your thoughts and memories. Never be afraid to cry and don't think you have to hide your sadness and pain. My heart goes out to you and your daughter and the difficult times you have ahead of you, remember though that your son would be wanting you to find a way of coping with your grief and pain. You can do that with him always in your heart and treasure what he has given you by being your son. My thoughts truely go out to you as a mother.

Ginger - posted on 01/30/2010

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Stacy, Anybody tht has never lost a child cant say '' i know how you feel''.I watched my mom when my brother died and Im sure its a pain deeper thn any of us know.Why dont you start a journal,not only talk about him but to him..By the grace of Almighty God we are promised to see out loved ones again. Theres a wonderful song Jesus has a Rocking Chair. I'mm not sure who sings it but its very comforting to know.Live your life with the hope of tht family reunion. You'll miss him but you'll realize ALL id not lost.May God bless and keep you and ur daughter.

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Dearest Stacy,

Please know that I am am here when you are feeling alone. My heart just breaks for you and your daughter. I can only imagine how this grief stays with you - somehow someway there is a light at the end of the tunnel. You have to make it through the tunnel. One day soon you will be an inspiration to others. One day God will place a grieving parent in front of you and you will know exactly what to say to that person to help. In the meantime use all of us to sound off too.

Annamarie - posted on 01/29/2010

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stacy my heart goes out to you and your daughter: i lost my mum to cancer two years ago and it still hurts: the problem is i couldnt talk about my mum or look at a pic of her coz i didnt want to believe it: but that was not the right thing to do coz it stopped me remembering all the great times we had together: its fantastic that you want to talk about your son: believe me it will help you: its ok to cry and your not alone you have your daughter she is hurting to: you can get through this together: it is a long road ahead but when your down try and think of all the wonderful times you had together and smile! your right no one under stands they think its straight away that you need people around you but thats not true its months later that it starts to sink in: so if this is the case for you remember im hear if you need me: keep talking about him im sure it will help you: please listen to leona lewis song yesterday> its so true! its sad but it really helps me: take care and god bless xxxx

Annamarie - posted on 01/29/2010

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Hi Stacy, Im so sorry for your lose, I lost my mum to cancer 2yrs ago and I still cant get over it, I still say things like I have to phone my mum, I still tell myself that she is still here,I even text her, I know it sounds crazy but If I tell myself that she is gone I will go crazy, Losing a mum is one thing but to lose a child is another thing: i know what you mean when you say that people dont understand: people think that its straight after the person has died that you need them well they are wrong! its months after: when my mum died i couldnt even say her name or look at a photo of her coz i couldnt deal with it but that not the right thing to do coz your just putting it of and what that does is stops you remembering all the lovely times you had together: if you think about him and talk about him every day im sure it will help you so much: please if you need someone to talk to im here for you: my heart is with you and your family : i want you to listen to leona lewis song yesterday: its really sad but it is so true: it helps me to get through the day to day: all the best and im hear for you if you need me

Mary - posted on 01/29/2010

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dear stacy

that was my bigest fear when my 5 were growing up ,then i lost a grandson at 16 and this time last year a greatgrandson of 12 weeks ,it is never easy THE LORD HEALS ALL WITH TIME .try to give your time to helping others because that keeps your mind busy ,i am so sorry ,my thoughts and prayers are with you

Mary - posted on 01/29/2010

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dear stacy

that was my bigest fear when my 5 were growing up ,then i lost a grandson at 16 and this time last year a greatgrandson of 12 weeks ,it is never easy THE LORD HEALS ALL WITH TIME .try to give your time to helping others because that keeps your mind busy ,i am so sorry ,my thoughts and prayers are with you

Bridgette - posted on 01/28/2010

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Hi my name is Bridgette Burgess. Im sorry for your loss. Last July my neice (3 years old) drown in her neighbors pool.We live out of their state and couldn't visit last summer. My husband and children being autistic don't understand why some times the tears just come. I have taken her death really hard. Maybe because she was only a year younger than my daughter. If you need to talk i'm here for ya.

BARBARA - posted on 01/28/2010

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Hi Stacy, first of all let me say how sorry i am for your lost, i have 3 angels in heaven, my first son passed away at 7mos of sids(crib death) after being born premature, then i lost a little girl who was still born when i was 8mos pregnant, she strangled on her cord when she was turning around, and i lost another son when i was 6 i/2 mos pregnant to a miscarrige, and you should feel free to talk about your son anytime you feel the need, because those happy memories you have of him will keep him alive in your heart, it does get a little easier as the years go by to handle the holidays and their birthday, and the day he passed, every year on that day i get out the photo album and cry my eyes out, it gives you a release in knowing you havent forgotten about him, thru the hustle and bustle of everyday life, i am always willing to listen anytime you need someone to talk to...stay strong......Your Friend Barbara

Terry - posted on 01/28/2010

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I lost my mom at age 9 to cancer and my only brother to cancer one of my sisters had both her brest removed because of cancer and a neice had a kidney to cancer its in my familey big time. i am so sorry for your loss you can always talk to me may not be able to help but i am hear if you need a shoulder .

Cindy - posted on 01/28/2010

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Hi Stacy, I see you have gotten many responses to your message. I understand completely how you feel, and your daughter too. I lost my son at the age of 21, he died 7 years ago, 8 years this June. It seems so senseless. This takes time, different for every person. Just know that what you feel and experience is totally normal. Grief is like that. Matt died instantly in a car crash when he was driving home after drinking with his buddies after work one evening. By the grace of God, no one else was involved in the accident, just Matt. If you need to talk about him, talk. If other people seem uncomfortable, know that it is their issue, not yours! Most people that have not been through this get very uncomfortable because they don't know what is the right thing to say or do. I would love to know about your son. Sounds like he was my son's age when he died. As far as cancer goes, I lost my sister to breast cancer/pre-leukemia just two years ago, so I understand losing a sister as your daughter lost her brother. My mom died a month behind my sister as a result of aspiration pneumonia, after she suffered a stroke 3 years earlier. So I have been through my share of grief. To end with one very important message - please don't let issues over burial stuff get between you and your family members. It happened to me, and my son hasn't spoken to me since. So in essence i have lost two sons. Keep your communication open with your daughter and any other person that you are close to. It will help in the long run. God bless!

Frances - posted on 01/28/2010

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Hello Stacey firstly my love to you and the rest of your family.
it was 27 years since my daughter died she was 9 months for a while there i went off the rails then 4 months after I opened a magazine and the words seemed as if they were just for me - it said "God only gives poorly babies to women who can cope " I have had other family die unexpected and more in the order of things something I can get to be useful and that is write to the person it dosnt need to be neat or correct just from you to him or her and talk talk talk as much as you want if you have good people worth knowing around you they wont be fed up or embarrassed to listen - much love Frances

Darlene - posted on 01/28/2010

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I can feel your pain coming through the lines you write ... trying to understand why things happen can drive us crazy ... keeping the memories close and cherishing the moments you had can help ... your 19 year old can grow closer to you from all of this and new memories will come. Feel free to write and tell me all about your son ... who he was and about his treatment ... anything you want.

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Hi Stacy, I am sorry for your loss. I do know how you feel. My daughter died of leukemia in 1991. She was only 6 years old. She was also born with birth defects, so she had a very rough time. She was always happy. The pain never goes away, gut it does get better. I love to talk about my kids. I also lost a son in 1984, in a house fire. Other people get uncomfortable when I talk about my kids, but I don't want anyone to ever forget them. My husband and I now have 7 kids between us and 13 grandchildren, but no one will ever forget my Kristin and Jeremy. I am here anytime that you want to talk.

JoAnn - posted on 01/28/2010

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Hi Stacey my name is JoAnn Dalgaard I lost my daughter two years ago on Jan. 26 She died of an anyurism.She was 20 years old. She left behind a 5 year old girl and 9 month old boy.And I do understand.Unless you have lost a child noone can understand the pain loneliness and just being stunned not understanding why should a child have to die so young.I have two sons but one of them is a marine with three tours in Iraq and he is desensitized to these things.So the only person I had to talk to is my cousin who also lost a son 6 months after my daughter. But her son was Murdered.So anytime you need to talk email me joanndalgaard@suddenlink.net I will be happy to listen hang in there. We Will be with our children again in heaven I believe this in my heart.

Mimi - posted on 01/27/2010

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I am so sorry for your loss! I can't imagine your pain and void you feel! I don't know what faith you are but I know my church offers counseling and a grief group with others that have experienced a loss also. I think it helps to talk about it to others that have been through the same thing. I will pray for you...once again I'm sorry:(

Joyce Lynn - posted on 01/27/2010

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on March 28th, 2000, my oldest living (at that time) child was killed by a drunk driver. he had only just turned 19. so, the wk/end we had originally planned to celebrate our youngest child's dedication (she was 3 months old at the time), we instead held his funeral.
it's been 10 years now. some days it's easier, some days it's even harder than when it first happened. since he was not my first child to die (i'd already lost 3 to miscarriages and such), i thought i would handle it better, and differently, than i did, and am. i'm had him in my life, tho, for 19 years already, so ... and, the fact that for about 3 of them, it was just him and i, i'm sure played a part in it.
anyway ... hang in there! on the bad days, just take it five minutes at a time, if you need to. as for your daughter, she'll grieve differently than you, and you'll have to let her. i have 5 living children, and each one grieves differently than me, and each other.

Robbin - posted on 01/27/2010

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So very sorry for your loss. I can't imagine having to go through this. I know it must feel so important to keep memories alive - that's how we hold on to people and keep them with us.

Lorrie - posted on 01/27/2010

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Hi Stacy,

I lost my 5 yr old son and 9 yr old daughter in a car accident 13 yrs ago. I know what u mean about wanting to talk about ur son. Talking about my kids really has helped me. Tell me about ur son. How old was he? What was he like? What things did he like to do? Everybody grieves differently but no body can say they know how u feel or they really understand. Know that God can get u thru anything, He has us. Anytime u feel the need to talk, vent or even cry, please know that their r others willing to listen, like me. U can also always email me at my reg email. lorrconger@aol.com My heart goes out to u and so do my prayers.

Blessings, Lorrie

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