My Daughter hates me and my son doesn't know me

Dianne - posted on 07/30/2010 ( 13 moms have responded )

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I was in an abusive relationship with the father of my children. When I left 20 years ago I had to leave them behind, thinking I would get on my feet in order to get them back. While I was no longer around my daughter seemed to hear some stuff about me and believes I am a bad mother. Packages I sent they never got, my daughter thinks I was being cruel. Whatever happened was the act of someone else s cruelty not mine. They keep my son from me and deny me grandparents rights. I have had to let go for my own sake. There is a picture on my wall in Facebook telling of a small portion of my marriage. Please read it.

13 Comments

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Yvette - posted on 08/14/2010

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Dear Dianne: my heart goes out to you and your children. i am very active in advocating for abused women and children aswell as working with mental health and addictions. Having been through abuse for many years from various partners i understand how 20 years ago there was much less support for women in relationships with abuse. sometimes the only alternative you had was to run and yes in some cases the children got left behind. i do not know your circumstances completely but i would venture to say there were severe circumstances that prevented you from going back to your children and from being able to visit or communicate with them. I am going to read what you posted on facebook and i would suggest that perhaps seeking out some grief and loss counselling may help you because you have lived with grief and loss for over 20 years dear. the death of your dreams, marriage, the loss of your childrens childhood and the loss of your natural role as mother. i do not know at this point what area you are in but i will see when i look at your profile. i am going to send you a friend request if thats ok. sometimes just talking to people that can identify with at least some if not all of your pain and your past experiences helps. god bless you Dianne and have faith. When the times comes your children will come around. Never doubt the bond that is between a mother and her child/children. as your children grow and experience more of life as you have (hopefully without the abuse of course) they will slowly remember certain things that they have blocked out and refuse to recognize. Loyalty is a very hard thing to break and its usually the abusive parent that gets the loyalty as its the only way a child knows how to get some attention from that kind of an individual and he has many years to poison their brains BUT that doesn't mean that all is lost. Journal everyday, write down how you feel and what you have thought all these years about your children/child/grandchild. putting together a small memory book for your children of what sort of things you did with them and some happy memories might be a good place to start. once it is done, wrap it nicely and mail it to them with a special letter just letting them know you are there if they ever want to meet or if they just have some questions they want answers to. God Will Bless You Dianne. Do not give up ..... i have 4 children too

Donna - posted on 08/13/2010

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You have my support. A g/f of mine went through the same exact thing only all her children hated her. She was able to talk with them but they sided with their abusive father, the father also had given my g/f aids during the marriage from his running around on her, it was either he kill her or visa versa she had had enough. To this day she has had to let go for her own mentle and emotional sake. This is such a hard pill to swallow for all concerned. All I can ever say is keep praying and fighting to see your kids. Maybe there are a few family members who can give the kids some postive feedback.

Isabel - posted on 08/11/2010

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Wow your situation is very sensitive,because number one it happen twenty years ago and they were babies when you left them, Children grow up and hear all kinds of stories,some they can't understand, I don't judge you for am not God, But when i was about 9 years old i was separated from my parents and place in foster care...I heard many hurtful things about the separation situation and for awhile their i was so angry and confuse all i can think about was WHY..Now i was only separated about 2 years and that was enough to make me wonder and feel angry and unlove..your time frame is 20 years,well I say to you ' try to reconnect is gonna take some time but never give up you can make up the lost time by maybe starting a relationship with your Grandchildren and earning the love and trust of your children....Good Luck..and God Bless

User - posted on 08/11/2010

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im so sorry about your kids maybe someday they well for get the past and come to know there Mom

Candy - posted on 08/09/2010

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Dianne, I am so sorry to read about your estrangement with your children. My heart goes out to you. I hope that your children never have to learn first hand what it is like to be in a abusive relationship. Do not give up on them, keep loving them, someday it will pay off. Don't take to heart any harsh words from anyone who has not walked in your shoes, they do not know what it is like to be in that kind of a position.

[deleted account]

Dianne you and I have similar past marriages, I have an up/down relationship with all three of my kids. They do know that I love them. My daughter and I are having some relationship now mainly text messaging and when she's not working she may call me...when she's not around her dad. My oldest is 23 yrs old and acts like he's in high school while he's dating an 18yr old senior in high school, he's not talking to me. He's an adult like the rest of us have to learn to behave appropriately. My middle son got into trouble and is trying to work it out so that he's on the straight and narrow. I had nothing to do with his getting into trouble and yet I'm still blamed for it. Things have a way of working out...

Julie - posted on 08/06/2010

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I am sorry you are still suffering from the choices you made 20 years ago. Now your children are adults and somehow survived without you. Most children feel neglected regardless of good intentions and that is something you never really get over. My mother was also in an abusive relationship when my brother and I were young. She too left, but took us with her. I am not sure why you left your children with an abusive father, but they may resent you for that as well. Know you did the best you could at the time with what you had. However, stop blaming others for interfering, and except responsibility for your actions. Above all else remember, THE TRUTH WILL PREVAIL

Christina - posted on 08/05/2010

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I understand, see I remarried and she does not like my husband none of my kids do, now she is getting married and my friend is stepping into my place as "mom", for she agrees with my daughter about my husband. So I have decided to just let it slide till after her day, and she will one day realize what she is missing when I am gone.

Debbie - posted on 08/04/2010

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I feel for you! My daughter is angry because I have not sent her all the money she randma died May 20th, 2010. I feel so bad because I tried to help her but, she is very ungreatful! Debbie

Claudia - posted on 08/03/2010

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Dianne, i am so sorry. I went through the same thing and i just recently (my son is now on his own) after 25 yrs got in contact with him. I wrote him a e-mail. I did not make anybody the bad guy i just told him that my heart was breaking because he was not in my life. I needed to speak with him. ( He is in Germany). I was lucky and i got a reply. DO NOT GIVE UP!!! Your children propably heard lots of bad things. Give them a way to contact you and let them take the first step!! Good Luck to you.

Kay - posted on 08/01/2010

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your road is long and bumpy...you have to be patient and listen to the message your children are trying to give you. they are full of hurt resentment and anger...you have to own that as much pain as it is, you have got to own that. All you can do from here is hope for the day that you can explain your side to them and hope that someday forgiveness is granted to you. Grandparents rights are usually only granted if one of the parents of the grandchildren are dead specifically your child must have died...i say usually because it veries from state to state...then you must understand why they dont want you around their children -they have to protect them from getting hurt like they did when they were young and you left them. How do they know that if they let you into their childrens lives that you are not going to just leave -like you did 20 yrs ago. I know that you are hurting and most likely have hurt everyday since you left but they as adults have got to do what is best for their children and you as a grandmother have got to step aside just like you did 20 yrs ago and let them parent the way they know how. I think the advise to Journal is good solid advise but I dont think I would send it to them -if it were me I think I would hold onto the journal have one for each of them and when your day comes that they want to talk to you then offer it and say nothing more let them talk.......because when they are ready they will have plenty to say to you . Your job at that point is to listen to them and own what they are telling you. Give them the journal and then wait for further contact from them. Pushing grandparent rights and pushing to be a part of their lives now is only adding fuel to their fire. Try to be patient they are surviving this too. Try to understand from their point of view. As I stated before your road is long and bumpy. I hope this helps you. Remember too when no one else in the world cares, or forgives God is your friend and sometimes he may be your only friend. Lean on him..I will pray for your children and for you. good luck~Kay

Lisa - posted on 07/31/2010

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my heart goes out to both you and your children... I have no judgement for your decisions because I can not imagine your situation... but the past is the past and no it is looking to the future... Im sure you are aware that it is a long road to regain trust and decrease hurt but anything is possible,,,, I would not push the grandparents rights concept because that will just leave your own children feeling that why were they not important ..... My advice would be to journal... to write down daily your feelings..... how you missed them ... remembering their birthdays every year.... what you would like now.... make it about them now and not the past.... tell them over and over the love you have in your heart.... and then send it to them ... keep trying never give up.....

Karla - posted on 07/31/2010

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I can give you my take on being abandoned by my mother. I was 11, came home from school and my mom had taken my little sister and moved out!

I still cannot forgive her to this day for doing that. I had to go live with my dad and step mom and she made my life hell. I ended up running away at 13 and on the streets and in foster homes.

Your daughter is haunted by that feeling of being abandoned and it never goes away.

And as a parent myself I went through a similar situation and when I left I took my son! I am sorry, I find no good reason to walk out on your kids. If a man is going to abuse you he is most likely going to do the same to the kids.

You said you were coming back for them and you never did, why?

Your children do not know you so they can't just pick up where things left off 20 years ago. You have to give them time and wait for them to contact you when they are ready. Let them initiate a relationship on their own terms. It wont be easy I know..
Karla

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