Need to know how other mothers would feel about this...

Kimberly - posted on 09/26/2010 ( 28 moms have responded )

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My mother come to our home after being gone for 5 months. And wanted to take my 2 1/2 year old who has a shunt in his head with her to mow her 15 acres of land. She said she could put him in a wagon behind the tractor and pull him. When I told he no that he wouldn't sit still and would try and climb out she got upset with me and said that she would take our 10 1/2 month old and he could sit in her tractor on her lap then. I told her that wouldn't be a good idea either because it was 30 mins. until his nap time. She said she would being him back in a coulpe of hours and he would be fine. I said no, he needs his nap. So she got mad about that. She has never wanted anything to do with our boys before. She even cused me out for having our toddler after he almost died and was medivaced to thge NICU right after he was born. She has two horses that are pretty much wild and two labs that are also wild because she never trained any of them. I don't want to have to go back to any hosptial because one of her animals hurt my kids. Am I wrong for telling her no or should I have just let them go. She makes me so mad sometimes. She forgets things and I really don't know if she would watch them like they need to be watched. Our 10 1/2 month old isn't even walking yet. Need to know what others think about this. Thanks.

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Mary - posted on 09/27/2010

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I wouldn't have let them go either,I'm with Denise if no interest before now then why now.Time together means just that and not doing other things that take ur attention away from them.I go through the same thing w/daughter n sil.they think I should just let them drop in anytiyou were right in ur descion..me they see fit..NOT!

Georgina - posted on 09/29/2010

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no your not wrong for telling her no lots of things could happen why place you child in that situation also you have a good point how could she focus on mowing the lawn and your child at the same time you made the right choice by telling her no

Louise - posted on 09/29/2010

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It has been a long time since your mother in law has had to care for a small child so I think she has forgot how much care and attention they need. You stick to your guns love and say no you are protecting your children from danger whether she likes it or not. She has no reason to curse at you and if that is words she is going to use around your children then she is not grandma material. The next time she starts having a paddy tell her straight this is your house and your kids and if she wants to have access to the kids then she is going to have to prove worthy of caring for them and sticking them on the back of a tractor is not age appropriate.

Kim - posted on 09/28/2010

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My kids were never allowed outside while my husband was mowing, its not safe!! And yes your 2.5 yr old will climb out, that is what they do!! and probably get run over. And if she dropped your 10.5 month old, he could get run over too!! Her suggestions really scare me. Is she right in the head?!! I'm not trying to be mean, it is so unsafe and to come out of the blue and insist on it. I'd be worried about her trying to hurt your kids. Please be careful. I really wouldn't let her take the kids. My MIL didn't feed my kids all day and my husband and I feel she is not stable enough to watch our kids anymore. This would send up a red flag to me that she does not have your kids best interest in mind.

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Vikki - posted on 10/06/2010

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I guess you need to ask yourself why, after showing little interest in your boys she would suddenly ask to be responsible for them while putting them in such a dangerous situation. This says more about her need for attention than anything else....I wouldn't let her spend time with your boys without your presence. Seriously.

Louise - posted on 10/06/2010

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oh like my Dr has said, you are the parent and you make the rules! Stand by them, you are doing the right thing, I also have a toddler with a lot of illness, I know what it is like. my Dr told us that grandparents don,t have any rights, especially if they want to do stupid things like in your situation. really sitting them in a trailer and towing them along, or even on her lap, now that is child abuse and against the law. keep strong!

Liz - posted on 10/05/2010

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They are your children and you make the rules..mad or not! You have to protect what is yours and if she loves you and your children she will respect your decisions! We all have family that may tic us off because we feel they dont respect our decisions but to bad. If something happens you are going to blame yourself!!!! Pray for your mom.

Kimberly - posted on 10/02/2010

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Dawn,I live in Oklahoma. I'm sorry. I was going to respond to your post but my boys want to get into everything instead of taking their nap. I hope you answer you so. Take care to everyone on this site. :)

Rose - posted on 10/02/2010

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No you are not wrong! It is you responsibility as a mother to protect you're children not anyone else's feelings. When - if your mother earns your comfort and trust then maybe then. I've been teased by my certain family members regarding the choice not to let them take my children and you know what I just don't care. My children come first. It was my decision to give birth and I took that decision seriously. My girls are both grown and on their way to the Army and Marines and I do NOT regret those decisions at all. Be strong mom and keep your children first and don't accept any guilt you have nothing to feel guilty about. Good Job!!!

Pamela - posted on 10/02/2010

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No way Jose! Why would she, on her way to mowing, think taking babies would be a good idea??? That sounds like an accident waiting to happen! Is there a chance your mom may need a medical evaluation for early dementia, or Alzheimers? Even a stroke can effect judgement. I would say no to any unsupervised activities until an evaluation is done.

Kimberly - posted on 10/01/2010

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It is my mother and not my mother in law. She has had very bad headache and takes alot of meds. and she forgets things sometimes and on top of that she use to drink all the time when I was growing up. she keeps liqure in her home all the time. Her house is not child proofed and with her forgettening things and her being on antidepressines and other meds. I don't really think she is the safest person to have my kids. I just want to say thank you to everyone for reponding to my post. I feel so much better for doing what I thought was right for my kids. Thanks again!

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I'm just wondering...doesn't she have a clue how she is wanting to put your children in danger by dragging them around a tractor. Many accidents happen and they are way to young to be around that type of stuff....she should be wanting to take them on a picnic or to get ice cream or lunch or something besides around dangerous machinery. I would not have allowed it either....

Tammie - posted on 10/01/2010

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You said your mother in law has never wanted to do things with your children before, perhaps she has been waiting for a time when the children were a little older and not so tiny to ask to do something with them. You should encourage your children to have a relationship with their grandmother. No one is perfect but I sure there are lots of things she will bring to the relationship. If you are uncomfortable about her taking them (I totally understand you feeling that way) maybe you could offer to tag along just incase there is a problem with the boys. After a few outings you will feel better about it and this is a good way to observe your children interacting with your mother in law. She did after all raise at least one child...your husband. A large family is awesome....you are blessed.

Kathy - posted on 09/30/2010

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I would not let him go either; you are not wrong. Going along with what your guy tells you is good. Trust in your own mothering skills - sounds like you are a good mom.

Lynee - posted on 09/30/2010

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It's not worth it. You will be worried the whole time. There are too many reasons NOT to do this. She should be willing to visit the kids WITH you at YOUR house on YOUR terms. (when it is the best time for you)

Anne - posted on 09/30/2010

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No you are not wrong. I live in MIchigan in the US and a young boy was in the cab of a big piece of farm equipment and was leaning against a window. The window popped out , the child feel out and the dad ran the boy over, killing the boy. IT WAS NOT THE FALT OF THE DAD! Just a Terrible Tragic Accident. I personally know of 2 other children that were on the lap of a patent mowing the lawn with a riding mower and the children fell off and were run over. One child lost a leg the other child will most likely never eat solid food again. You have reason to be concerned!

Heather - posted on 09/29/2010

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I am a mamau and I would not presume to just step in and start making demands after being gone for whatever reason. Does she just want to push you away and make things even more difficult?? Make a problem where there doesn't even have to be one? I see my grandkids several times during the week and have them almost every weekend, by choice. But their parents are still their parents and therefore the boss of their applesauce. As my oldest grandson says!!!

Mary - posted on 09/28/2010

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I agree with your decision. I would also fear for my kids safety in that situation.

Raylynn - posted on 09/28/2010

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you are tottally in the right!! only you as a mother of this child... can say NO and feel good about it. I know I had a 26weeker.. she spends no one on one with my mom as she is too strong for her and grandma let her run out in the street one time.. since then sorry mom .. we are good parents and if your mom says anythign.. say hey you raised me to be a good mom . now no disrespect but i am the mommy and I know what my child needs.. tough love with our parents as we will remember this when our kids are older and we are the grandparents..

Shawn - posted on 09/28/2010

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Is there a reason u don't trust ur mother? u could have easily suggested somewhere else she could have taken your children as a grandmother i would have also been hurt Also the 10 1/2 would have fell asleep anyway.

The children may have enjoyed spending time with their grandmother, now back to my original question, is there a reason u don't trust your mother? or are u upset with her?

Dawn - posted on 09/28/2010

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Good Morning Kimberly =D
I'm really sorry to hear about your brother. I lost my older sister when she was 12. She was the first case of Reye Syndrome, but they saved the next child you had it!
It is so nice to have grandchildren and congratulations on the upcoming arrival♥ Seems like your Mom could take a few lessons from you!! You seem to have a ♥ of gold.
My husband doesn't understand my family either. He grew up in the "perfect nuclear family". My 5 sisters, 1 brother and I grew up with an alcoholic father who I didn't even meet until I was 9yo. 2 alcoholic stepfathers that were molesters. He doesn't understand how people could act that way and it is very surreal to him. His family is so "perfect" they don't discuss things when something not perfect happens in the family. His brother's wife has finally admitted that she has anorexia and no one wants to call and talk to him or her and give them support. Like if you say anything that makes it "real" and they don't like admitting something is not perfect in their family.
When your husband tells you to "just forget it", tell him that you can't bc she is family and that it hurts your heart especially with it being your Mother. Tell him you don't need his flippant attitude and would like it if he would just be there for you and let you vent. Tell him you know your Mother probably won't change but you need to know he is there for you to lean on when something happens and feel the need to talk about it.
Where do you live? I live in Raleigh NC, am currently unemployed but hope to be starting a job next week. I will message you my cell number in case you would like to talk in "person"
Happy Day to You =D

Kimberly - posted on 09/27/2010

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My brother died when he was almost 14 back in 1985. We were her only kids. I was the oldest. My husband and I just celebrated our 23rd anniversary a few days ago. We have two grandkids and another one due in March 2011. Our first grandchild lives in Texas with her mother(our sons ex) and our other one lives with us with his mother(our daughter). We love our kids and grandkids so much. I don't know why she has to act the way she is. She said that she moved closer to us to be able to spend time with her grandkids and me but she never does. I don't understand it. When she's here she just loves to try and get me upset. I don't understand why and everytime I have tried to talk to her everything turns out to be about her and what someone has done to her. I keep telling her what about her grandkids. She still is so self centered it drives me nuts! I know I complain to much probly about nothing put this has been my only out let. My husband tells me to just forget it. I would like to tell him the same thing about his family but that would never happen.

Dawn - posted on 09/27/2010

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I'm really sorry to hear how your mother has treated your other children as well as your self. All you can do is what you've been doing.....putting your family's needs first! You are not disowning her. It looks as though you have tried to work with her. Just stand your ground and have faith. Don't intentionally leave her out and if she can't make it...it's her loss/unfortunately also your children's loss by not having a grandparent around. Especially don't let her know that this infuriates you. It sounds like she likes to have drama concerning you and your children. Does she have any other grandchildren and if yes, is the relationship with them the same?

Kimberly - posted on 09/27/2010

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I have invited her to spend time with our boys lots of times but she aways had some excuse why she couldn't come over and play with them and get to know them. We even told her that we would go to a resturant (Mc Donald's, Burgerking, ect.) so she could have lunch with us and she still had other things that she had to do and couldn't come.

Kimberly - posted on 09/27/2010

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Thanks for all your replies. I have to older kids also. She was never around them until they were almost teenagers. Then she had told our oldest that he was her favorite and told our daughter that she couldn't stand girls. Our daughter was upset and told me this years ago. I haven't had much to do with my mother sence. I thought that when I had my toddler that she would be happy for us but we got just the opposite reaction. Know secne she come back from seeing all of her friends for the last 5 months she thinks I should just forget everthing she has ever said and did. To me my family will always come first but my baby's come first until they can take care for them selves and then my husband, then our older kids, then everyone else in our family. I don't want to disown her because she is my mother and our kids grandmother but if she doesn't start to but them first when she's around them I don't know what to do. When she's not around them she can do what ever she wants.
Sorry, this is so long. I just need some one to talk and someone I can just vent all my frustations to.

Dawn - posted on 09/27/2010

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I am a NaNa of a 4 yo and 2 yo. I see them when it fits into their schedule not mine. You are your children's parent. You are the one to make decisions about their wellbeing. If your mother wants to now have some contact with them, invite her over or make plans to go to her house at a time that is good for you and your children's schedule. If she doesn't agree to that, I don't feel she really wants to have a relationship with them. Stand your ground. God Bless and Good Luck ♥

Denise - posted on 09/26/2010

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Who the h*** does she think she is??? Why the sudden interest ? And if it's time spent together she wants why would you drag em around while you're on a flippin tractor ??? She's nuts !

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