Should I charge grown kids rent?

Karen - posted on 04/23/2010 ( 426 moms have responded )

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I was fortunate to get family home from divorce.I couldn't bare to stay another minute in home due to bad memories.I moved out.House was empty for about 7 months.I left all furniture.I started fresh and new!

Grown kids were having trouble with their living situations so I gave them the house rent free!Large 3br 2bath 60 by 30ft yard.Sons 28 and 20 daughter 22.They keep breaking things in home and don't tell until mad day comes.Then they call me to fix the repairs. All of them work.I don't want my property to go down. I had the faucets replaced, the storm door is falling off,The carpet needs shampooing! ( I love my Bissel and don't want them to break it!) I offered to buy paint for the downstairs,they had a nerve to tell me what color they want.All I wanted was for them to have a good head start in life and not have to worry about a roof over their heads. Lets not get into how they call me up and argue over who ate the food up in the frig.I'll come running with groceries every 2 weeks.I spend more money on the grown kids than I do my 16yr old that lives with me and new husband!Hubbie tells me to cut them off and let them fall and learn.I know he's right,but I sneak behind his back and still do for them which causes friction in my home.Whats wrong with me? I owe them nothing!!I'm just a sucker for them.

426 Comments

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Kendra - posted on 05/03/2010

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I say you need to charge them some rent at least 250.00 each and have them pay the water, food, electric, phone, cable, and internet themselves...............and make a lease and have them sign it also include in the lease that they are responisble for any damage that they do to ur house. They need to grow up and learn that things in life are not free and that mom is not gonna bail them out..............everytime you buy food for them or pay a bill for them they see you as weak and know they can walk all over you........grow a backbone and stand up to ur adult children they are adults treat them like adults if they don't like it they can always find their own apt. to rent. and if they damage it then they have to pay for the repairs. Come on mom don't be a sucker anymore draw up that lease and have them sign it if they refuse give them 30 days to get out and rent the house out.

Susan - posted on 05/03/2010

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wow. Im about in the same boat. I allow my son to live here rent free because the house is paid for . I am just enabling him though and not doing myself any favors. You should demand a rent and use it to repair the home. The word of the day is "no" . Please take care of yourself you can get sucked down so fast. My son and daughter are my heart but they are grown and I have to let them handle their own lives. If you dont put your foot down you will make yourself sick. I feel your devotion to your children and I know the difficulty of your position. Charge rent .. make them pay it .. inspect your home in intervals and charge them for repairs . If they continue to terrorize the home clean house. Good luck . Sue

Pam - posted on 05/03/2010

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Karen,
YES, you do need to have them pay rent!!! I lived at my moms home until I was 32 years old. She was gone every weekend and worked a full time job, so it was kinda like it was just me. I have been working since I was 15 yrs old and at age 19, my mother requested that I pay rent and help with anything else I could help with. When I had my son at 21 she lowere the rent so that I could provide for my child. I did the house work and helped with the gorceries and cooking too! When I got married and moved out at 32...it was a BIG eye opener for me. There were sooo many things I did not realize about renting an apt and having to pay the bills on time or loose the electic/sewer/water/trash. Turn off the basics and tell them if they want to live there, then they have to put everything in their name(s)...or go w/out. You could always set a a land lord deal witht he water company/electric co. This ensures that once the place is "rented" you dont pay those bills any longer. Once the "kids" move out, it reverts back to your name and you pay the bills.......until YOU turn them off perm OR you get REAL RENTERS in the house. I know there must be someone that would be willing to live there and follow the rules and pay the rent with out wrecking everything!!!!!

GOOD LUCK!

CAROL - posted on 05/03/2010

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When I turned 18, my desire was to get a job and not go to college. Mom made me pay rent of $10.00 every week. Second year she added the choice of Gas or Light bill. Third year Water or Tax bill. Mom in the end had taught me a very valuable lesson... How to survive on my own. I did not like paying her rent of $10.00 weekly, the Gas bill, nor the Water bill. My first used car was bought out of the money I had paid rent with. I asked my mom at 23yrs old if my boyfriend could move in, she said sure: "Your rent goes to $75.00 a week and you keep the utilites and he pays the same rent and splits the utilities with you." I pondered over what she said. I then realized for $600.00 a month we could get our own place and split the utilites!!! We did just that....I appreciate the lesson my mom taught me. Today I am 43yrs old and a home owner.

Joanne - posted on 05/03/2010

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Wow! Looks like your hubby is not going to change the way he thinks. Therefor you should concentrate on the two younger children and let him deal with the older son. As for the older son mooching off both of you with his girlfriend. I would tell my husband that the example he is showing the younger children isn't healthy, nor is it the way you want your younger children to grow up seeing. If it were me, I would kick them out when the hubby is gone! Eventually either they will leave or you will. This is a no win situation. Someone is going to lose in this hopefully it won't be you.

Anna - posted on 05/03/2010

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Yes, yes, yes. You wouldn't be doing something horrible by charging rent. Establish the cost to rent in your area and divide by the number of kids back at the home. Utilities, groceries need to be their responsibilithy not yours. Establish an account where the "rent" gets deposited into and set rules of when it due. If your home is completely paid off, this account can serve as your property tax/household repair fund if that is the case. The division of cost of three people sharing the home is less for them than looking for their own place to maintain.

Norma - posted on 05/03/2010

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I know you think you are helping them but you are, in the long run, hurting them. At this point, they have no sense of responsibility and have no reason to get any because they know you will come running and bail them out. First step is to stop buring them groceries. They work, they can feed themselves. Second, if they are not paying rent they should be responsible and accountable for the upkeep of the house. Upkeep uncludes keeping the yard groomed, keeping the house clean and making any necessary repairs. If they are not willing to be responsible for the upkeep ( to your standards) then they should pay rent and then you can use the rent money to pay for any needed repairs. We all love our children and do not want them to do without but we cannot allow that to overide our good judgement. Do not allow your children to treat yourself or your house in a way that you would not accept from any renter. We MUST teach out children to become responsible and accountable for their actions. If we don't we find them blaming us for everything wrong in their lives. Both of my grown children moved back home. They were required to pay rent (an affordable amount), pay part of the utilities and groceries as well as help around the house. I think they are the better for it. Your children may tell you that you are mean to them and don't care about them when you start to make them be responsible, but really you are doing it out of love and they will see it later.

Rita - posted on 05/03/2010

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Karen,
By all means they should be supporting themselves in the home you have provided!!! As others have suggested, draw up a legal lease agreement and hold them accountable. Let your husband take control if he's willing to take on that responsibility. Your children will never grow up and behave like adults, if you keep catering to them. It's like potty training: they won't learn to use the toilet, if you keep wiping their arses and putting clean diapers on them!

Unfortunately, I now have a 19-year-old deadbeat stepson living under my roof again, whom my husband has welcomed back with open arms (without discussing with me first). And Unfortunately, my husband is so head-over-heels happy to have "gotten his son back" that I don't have any support in trying to make him be responsible for himself or helping around the house. My husband feels he needs our love and support just as much as our younger children do (ages 17 & 12). However, he doesn't see that he is simply enabling his son's laziness and irresponsibility by giving him pocket money, letting him sleep all hours of the day instead of being out looking for work, and allowing his lazy girlfriend to mooch off of us as well.

You can do it with your husband's support, and be glad that you have it. I wish my husband supported me, instead of his lazy son, at the expense of our marriage.

Cheryl - posted on 05/03/2010

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Absolutely, YES!
Teaching financial responsibility is important at any age.

Living life is not free...
water/air/heat...all cost.
Real Estate in and of itself needs to be paid for. They can help pay your real estate or someone elses.

We live in my starter home...we're in our 40's & our children are 6 & 3. I figure we may not have much to offer our kids when they grow up, so I hope to leave them our house. However, they will have to pay utilities & taxes. If not, they can live on their own and pay rent elsewhere.

I worked and paid my rent & my college. It wasn't easy. But I grew a lot and found out what I was made of. My dad use to say, "if I can do it with a wife & 2 kids, you can do it on your own". So I did! Didn't like it at the time, but I gain self worth.

Hope this was helpful.
God Bless,
Cheryl
San Antonio, Tx

Joanne - posted on 05/03/2010

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Yep, just like me, I am a sucker for my grandson who will be 20 this year, and is doing nothing with his life. I finally let him go to the city and live with his mom. That was the hardest thing for me to do. But, I got over it. I have learned it doesn't help if we make it easy for them. They need to know how hard it is out there so they won't keep coming back for help from us. At this point in my life, I should be traveling, and seeing other things this world has to offer, instead, I am raising two more boys (grandchildren) and they are 16. this July. So go figure. Hey, my life is all about teaching children. So, where do we go from here??

Dawn - posted on 05/03/2010

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Obviously they should pay rent. The question is not whether you need the money. The answer is that charging them rent teaches them responsibility, and they will also have more respect for the property. They are obviously now spoiled brats--especially the 28 year old. My mother's best friend charged her son rent when he lived with her. They didn't need the money--they put the money into a savings account for him, and when he got married they gave him the account and he had a down payment for a house of his own. But it taught him responsibilty, because he didn't know that it was his money, he just knew that he was paying rent, and that wherever you live, you need to PAY! My father started charging me rent the day I graduated business school. I told him that it wasn't fair because I didn't have a job yet, and he said that when I went out into the real world, rent does not go away just because you are unemployed, so I suggest that you find yourself a job really fast. When I moved out of my parents house they told me that I could keep my key, and that they would love for me to come over for dinner on Sunday night, but that I was not to come into the house and raid the refrigerator or pantry. You need to lay down the law now, or your 16 year old will expect the same thing soon. Your husband is right, and if you don't stop acting like an idiot and treating your adult children like they are 2 year olds, you soon won't have a husband. Not only do your kids need to grow up, but you do also. What would you think if your 16 year old was sneaking around behind your back? However he is 16, you are supposed to be an adult, and the basis of marriage is trust, and obviously your husband can't trust you. If you love your husband, and if you want your kids to be responsible, productive members of society, you will stop buying them food, stop fixing up their house, and tell them that they need to pay AT LEAST $600 per month for rent ($200 each) which is VERY CHEAP, and that if they don't, you will have them evicted. They will be responsible for maintenance and upkeep, and if the place is a dump, you will evict them, and then you will be able to fix the place up and rent to someone responsible who you will actually make money off of. The way that they are living now, they will never be able to move out on their own or get married, because they have no value for money or property. You have really done a disservice to your children, and their potential mates. I pray that you will make the right decision and save at the least your marriage, and hopefully it is not too late for your kids.

Mary - posted on 05/03/2010

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OMG ! Where do I start u r a loving wonderful mother but u are allowing them 2 use u.Ok let them clean up and pay if it isn't but 75 a month nothing free .Don't feed the animals either sorry 4 going there why are they not working or going to school .I used to pack my daughter food every two weeks then I woke up cause when winter comes and I am out in the cold going to work and she inside snug as a bug in changes things.Your home will not be worth anything if you don't stand up folks don't care when it's not there's talk about leaving it to them and see if that improves things .Stop being a sucker ! Stop being a rug!Like I said you are a great mother so tighten up it's for there good.God Bless you I'm praying you will have the strength to help them grow up
Mary Elliott

Patricia - posted on 05/03/2010

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Well I had a rule, If they werent going to school then they were working and if they were working they were paying...ofcourse it was minimal innitially. That rule didnt work out so well. So for the last child I baught a trailer and told him he had to pay X amount of money and get a room mate to pay the rest so that the trailer would break even. Well he didnt want a room mate. So I paid and I reduced the amount he paid to an amount he could better afford. So then I decided to do afew fix ups and sells and 10,000. later he didnt want to sell. It is now 7 years later and I got him to pay the power bill last year. Still paying the gas bill, insurance and taxes. It seems that kids take advantage and if you allow them to do nothing that is what they will do. Sit down with them and tell them how much it costs to keep them. Then charge them an amount that will not make you feel guilty (moms do that) Do let them know that the longer they stay the more of the bills they will be paying. In short, YES, YES YES charge them rent!

Lynn - posted on 05/03/2010

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These kids are old enough to look after themselves and be responsible for their own actions. I think they need to learn to pay their own way and you need to take a step back and let them look after theirselves.

Monika - posted on 05/03/2010

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Hello sweetie, what a difficult position to be in. Like a lot of people who have previously responded, I am going to sound like a broken record and say that actually, in the long run, you are not doing them any favours. A harsh fact of life is that we do not get anything for free, and like younger children who we encourage to "earn" their keep by perhaps loading the dishwasher or sorting out their laundry, the same should apply for older children and yours are certainly of an age where they should be contributing to the house. They are trashing things which took you a lot of years to build up, they are obviously not appreciative to the value of properly and frankly they are disrespecting you. I would draw up a "contract" of sorts stating what you expect from them as "tenants" and by all means allow that to be a rent free arrangement if you wish to give them a head start. The contract should contain that you expect them to stay on top of the maintenance, the garden, repairing/replacing any broken items etc. If they break the arrangement then its time to show them the way the front door opens! Alternatively, you could perhaps charge them a rent and put it aside for each of them (secretly) and when they do eventually spread their wings then they have alittle nest egg to start them on their way. Hope this helps

Donna - posted on 05/02/2010

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All I have to say is that if they are all WORKING then they MUST ALL PAY RENT and cover ALL their living expenses. My DD daughter, who receives SSI pays rent and contributes to living expenses, it's not a lot of money but she needs to know that there is NO FREE RIDE IN LIFE. IMHO, I would go to the Office Supply Store and get a rental agreement or Lease agreement and charge them FAIR MARKET rate (check on craigslist for rentals in your area) and then they are to put the utilities in their names........and handle it like a TRUE RENTAL. Right now, they are taking advantage of you and you are allowing them to do it....STOP being the sucker, force tham to grow up and be responsible or throw them out of the house and rent to people who would be better, more responsible renters.

Erna - posted on 05/02/2010

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You are teaching your children one of the worst habits in life...no respect for money or other peoples property...and no responsiblity for their futures...you are telling them in a round about way..that they are not capable of taking care of themselves..therefor you have to help them. If you charge them rent they might struggle to come to terms and budget in the beginning but if you allow them not to pay you...they will do it for years to come with their account elsewhere...be carefull of the message you are sending to them

Toni - posted on 05/02/2010

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Charge them normal rent through a rental agency, I am a firm believer in the old saying of family and business don't mix. You will regret letting them trash your place, they aren't treating it with respect because it is free, why should they worry about it, they don't care.

Janice - posted on 05/02/2010

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wow i have 4 children 2 sons 28 and 27 both Iraq Veterans and 2 daughters 26 and 25 and a grandson 6 1/2yrs well oldest son lives with me he is 100% disabled due to time served in Iraq oldest daughter and her son 6 1/2yrs old live with me i just found out my youngest daughter who will be turning 25 is 8 weeks pregnant i have been a widow for 10yrs i have just about raised my grandson who is the love of my life I have a book my therapist gave me( HOW TO SAY NO and NOT FEEL GUILTY) that was about 5yrs ago haven't opened the book yet i walk my grandson to school and i work at school (volunteer) is more like it I pay the bills i buy the groceries my daughter does pick up odd and ends i have stayed out of a relationship due to the fact i don't want to "take care of anyone else" if i'm sick or have surgery all there worried about is when will i be home they need a babysitter so i guess i'm not the best person to respond to this all i can say is i know how you feel good luck keep us posted on what you decide to do

Bobbie Kay (Bert) - posted on 05/02/2010

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I would suggest taking care of your own household before you can give care to grown children who clearly do not respect you. it's time for you to demand that respect. Give them two weeks to get that house in order, sent a date to have the painting done, let them know a reasonable amount for rent and expect it to be paid, if they don't comply to your requests they can find an alternate place to live. It will be their decision not yours. You cannot expect your current hubby to not be upset with you if you are being less than honest - that's a whole different issue. Honesty must be in the home - like the truth or not it needs to be there and your grown children need to cut the strings. You're their MOM not their rug. get their feet off your back and make them, teach them to fend for themselves. You are teaching them nothing by coddling them. Good luck Girl!!!

Tawanda - posted on 05/02/2010

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I think letting them live there rent free was great and normally I would say let them stay rent free, but the way they are acting is deplorable after your generous offer. I agree with your husband. It's time to make them stand on their own two feet. Tell them you're putting the house up for rent, what the rental price and deposit will be and tell them they have first option, but you need to know within 2 weeks and the rent and deposit is due on the 1st of the following month. Tell them they will be responsible for any damages just like any other renter would be and you will be responsible for breakdowns such as the storm door if it is not do to their neglect. Set rules that any damage they cause is to be repaired within a certain time limit like 2 to 4 weeks.

Don't provide them with anymore food, don't get involved in their petty problems like who at all the food and tell them they'll have to come up with their own solution. Let them know they will be treated like any other renter. If they choose not to rent the house then tell them they have one month to find another home and then put it up for rent.

You're right, you own them nothing and your letting their immature behavior effect your marriage. It's time for them to grow up.

Gina - posted on 05/02/2010

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I would DEFINITELY charge them rent. Unless they're going to school full time, they have no excuse not to contribute. Having them pay for their expenses helps them become self-sufficient.

Sharon - posted on 05/02/2010

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This is a good lesson for those of us with younger kids to make sure we implement certain rules why they are still young, thereby helping them to be able to look after themselves once they leave home or finish high school. My kids earn pocket money by helping around the house, or my Mum's house and if they want something they have had to buy it themselves. I also make sure they bank most of the money and learn to save up. My 13 yr old is very good with his money, and I remember him lay-bying his wooden Thomas tank engine set when he was about 3. I know a lot of people who don't give pocket money on principle, but my own experience shows that this does not necessarily help them much: I did not get pocket money and had no clue how to budget when I left home. That said, it's not too late for these grown up children to learn this lesson, and if you really love them you will have to let them do it themselves. Once they form a relationship with a partner they will have a real hard time keeping it if they don't have a certain level of discipline with their spending: financial strains are one of the biggest causes of arguments between couples.

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If grown KIDS live at thome then YES they should be charged rent.
They eat breakfast, drink your milk, coffee, sugar, use water for personal hygeine and to drink and to flush the toilet with. They also eat up to 4 or 5 main meals with you and graze through the fridge/freezer/pantry and this costs you and not them You most probably also wash their clothes, this requires heating (gas/electric) water, using electricity to run the washing machine and so on. Charge them afterall when they leave home they will then have an idea that where ever they live there are costs and responsibilities involved with life/living!!!

Helen - posted on 05/02/2010

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Absolutely, it sounds like they are taking advantage of your kind heart. If they are working full time charge them a proper rent as they would have to pay out in the real world. If casual, I charged my son 20% of his pay so that if his pay was small one week he didn't pay me too much and if it was bigger the next week all the better for me. My son was living at home and at 21 I increased his % to 21 and so on for each birthday.

Why not make a proper rental agreement with them on paper and take of bond, if they break the agreement then you keep the bond and they move out, and not to your house either.

Kimberly - posted on 05/02/2010

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Without having read the other responses, my personal opinion is this: If the child is actively engaged in a positive direction, i.e., attending college (full-time), working at least part-time and taking some classes, or working full-time, they should be allowed to remain in the nest without a bunch of drama. Regardless of their attitudes and the things they say or do, they are not nearly emotionally prepared for the big world out there and require the accountability. The cost of them going outside of the home and making a total mess of their lives is far greater than the discomfort they are causing by feeling grown without actually being grown. Male or female, I would say the age to encourage flying from the nest is approximately 23-25, depending on their level of maturity. They may be financially able to handle rent independently or with a roommate, but I guarantee they are not ready to handle all of life's responsibilities and something will slip through the cracks. They will then spend their late 20s and maybe early 30s, rebounding from their mistakes. If I can help them to avoid those pitfalls by being just a bit more mature before the separation, then I will consider my work a success. Trust me, it is frustrating to be going to bat everyday with all of life's duties and see your grown son come home with a $200 pair of jeans. Nevertheless, he is enrolled in college full-time and making $$$$$ on the side as a part-time National Guardsman. Okay, maybe more than you expected to get, but I hope something in this reply helps. Good day, mom.

Marcelle - posted on 05/02/2010

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Totally, the 28 yo needs to be cut off - put on rent and costs for repairs. The younger ones put on a quick course on getting responsible.

Get a proper tenants agreement, and if they don't sign, they can leave. It is the only way to get them on the responsible road. Surely you don't want to be doing this in another 20 years still? Sorry to sound harsh.

Melinda - posted on 05/02/2010

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Sell the house, give them each a small amount for first and last month's rent and receive peace of mind in return. In addition know you are teaching your children to stand on their own two feet. 28 years old is definitely time! Good luck, and remember you're not being mean, you're being a mother and helping your children to be independant. It's our JOB!

Nancy - posted on 05/02/2010

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absolutely they should pay rent. its called responsibility!!theres a limit to the charity. they start taking advantage of your good nature. you can love them but not support the whole family. i agre with your husband on this one.

Tereesa - posted on 05/02/2010

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Karen, though I do understand where you are coming from by wanting to give them a good head start on life, but ask yourself, what are you setting them up to do? They are not responsible for anything and are not liable for any of the damage they cause, are you really giving them a good head start on life or are you giving them a free ride that they are taking advantage of? My son 21 still resides with me, he pays me 50.00 a week rent in our home, he is responsible for doing his own laundry, mowing the yard, and doing any type of repairs around the house that I need him to do, this to me is giving him a head start on life, it is teaching him to be responsible... Really think hard on what it is you are doing to your children... Im not being judgemental, just my personal opinion.

TraCY - posted on 05/02/2010

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Hi, wow! You r too good to them. You are not helping them in life though. They are leaches, they have no clue what it is to be on their own. What do leaches do, well this is what they will do to you... Sorry I am not trying to hurt your feelings, you have to have some tough feelings anyway, putting up with everything already.You need to charge them rent and make them responsible for all bills, and if they don't like that yes by all means kick them all out.Believe me they will not go, they may say they will or say whatever will make you feel bad. Don't let it bother you, be tough with them. If you charge rent then you have the responsiblity of fixing things up.But then agian if they trash it too much they should be fixing up or you just up the rent, that seems to work wonders. You charge enough to pay the taxes at least! You want to help your kids but you are not at all. I hope things change for you. I have my daughter living here with her boyfriend and their baby and we charge them rent, and not enough, our bills are higher then what we get from them.and they still cann't afford to live on their own, but they cook and clean too and do what ever is needed or asked of them, and they buy food, and they are not on welfare. I cann't afford to keep them, they are responsible for taking care of their baby even though we pick up the loose ends, I know very well about spending more now then when she was our responsablity. She will always be my baby but I know that I can not help them by taking care of them and their needs.We are doing alot just by having them here in the first place. If I didn' t see them trying to help themselves I would not help them at all. And charge enough to cover all expences and tell them this is what you get every month and if late that is another 30 bucks every 7 days behind and that is alot nicer then they would have it comming from a landlord that wasn't family. They don't deserve you as a mom hon, you are too good to them and look at what it getting you. You do whatever you have to in order for them to grow up and get a clue and appreciate all you did and do for them. How dare they act like this to someone who does so much for them, they need to grow up! Sorry if I have offended you in anyway, but I guess you wouldn't have posted this if you didn' t need some advice. Love and hugs to you honey. Keep us posted...

Barbie - posted on 05/02/2010

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Absolutely!!! They need to learn to do for themselves...just like our parents taught us!!!

It is time mom!!! Charge them rent...they should have offered to pay when they moved back in....

Anne - posted on 05/02/2010

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Karen,

I have not read through all 189 replies, but I doubt anyone else will recommend the same book. If so, I apologise!

Please, please, please get yourself a copy of the book Boundaries by the authors Cloud and Townsend, and while you're at it, get Boundaries with Kids. Like you and many other parents, I wanted to give the world to my child, but I didn't fully realize the disservice I was doing to him this way. These 2 books changed my life, changed my parenting and changed my marriage. I have given out copies of it, and referred so many people to it that now my church is holding a book group on it.

You sound like a caring person, so don't berate yourself. Just read these and see how you can apply that caring in a way that helps your children more for the long run.

Best,

Anne

Monica - posted on 05/02/2010

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My grown kids have moved back home several times, at first I didn't charge them rent and they acted like I was their built in maid, babysitter, and chauffer. Finally I started charging them 50 a week, they did their own laundry, and everyone has to take turns cooking and doing dishes. It works out well and they don't stay as long. Its nice to have them for short periods of time, but after a while, everyone needs their own space.

Terri - posted on 05/02/2010

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I am in a similar situation. Youngest is still in school, thinks she's too good to work at Mcdonald's or Burger King on the weekends. Guess what, she is on our cell phone plan, we pay an extra $5 bucks a month for her to have tv. After reading these posts, I'm going to send one of the replies to my husband, we are going to sit down and have a talk, then we are sitting her down. She lays in her room most of the time except when she is in class or I make her help out with our grandaughter. She is about to get the "Tough Love" lesson. And this is the child that when younger and I was working 3rd shift, would have the house cleaned, the laundry done and the yard mowed....wonder what happened? Best of luck to you!

Liz - posted on 05/02/2010

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Our house is full fo kids 9 &7 (this Thurs.) granddaughters, 14 & 13 year kids and I have 2 sons who are 29 & 27 both unemployed so they had no choice but to come home to mom...yes, they do pay rent $25.00 weekly and they help with groceries, cooking and cleaning...I couldn't ask for anything more. I feel that's how it should be, everyone help when possible, makes life easier.

Rosie - posted on 05/02/2010

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I allowed my oldest daughter and her boyfriend to live with her Dad and I rent free for 4yrs.She did not work and neither did he,he was collecting disability they spent his money foolish each and every month.When we approached them about paying rent she said that we were not suppose to charge our own children rent to live in their family home with their family.I think that children who are adults shoud pay rent to live at home.

Deborah - posted on 05/02/2010

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If the 3 of them are all employed they need to rent ANOTHER house or apartment together, someplace other than your house. Even if you decide they need to pay you rent or at least for repairs it is not going to happen. At this point they already know what buttons to push and what to say to make you so frustrated that you just deal with it yourself, so they will do the minimum to shut you up for a couple of weeks.
Fix the house up and sell it. Put the money in a trust for all of your kids or a retirfement account for you. End of reminder of the bad memories, your kids have to take responsibility for themselves, and you or they have a future nest egg.

Sue - posted on 05/02/2010

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they seem to have no respect for you or what your doing for them, and you are allowing them to continue to do this. they are grown and working and ADULTS, they have to take responsibility for them selves sooner or later and the longer you allow them to not the harder it is gonna be on them.

cutting them off and letting them sink or swim isn't cruel at this point.

[deleted account]

I understand how you could let things go on with the kids. Somehow I think your trying to make up to them or something. I'm not sure. What I do know is it's codependant behavior and there are groups that you can go to on a regular basis to help straighten your feelings out. It takes work on your part, but you will feel so great and the kids will show you more respect, the respect you should be getting and deep down you know that already. At Coda you will get the strength you need and the tips. I hope you check that out, and good luck on your journey of descovery!

[deleted account]

You have to let go They need to grow up things in life are not free charge them and if they do not like it tell them to find somewahere else to live.

Judy - posted on 05/02/2010

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Definitely charge them rent! By not doing so you are enabling them and doing them a great disservice. They need to know that nothing comes for free and to appreciate just what you have done for them by providing a roof over their heads. From all the damage they've done, it's obvious they do not appreciate what they've got. Stop enabeling them and charge them rent, stop buying them groceries and let them fend for themselves. Then maybe they'll smarten up. Because right now they know when they call mom will coming running.

Suzy - posted on 05/02/2010

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You know there is nothing wrong with charging your kids a littlt rent as long as they are working. When my kids lived at home and they were working I charged my kids rent. For the simple reason they ate and brought their friends over to eat and they were making money also. Spending their money on everything so I charged them like $75.00 every month. That was for food and everything, but they also offered to pay something for rent before I asked them to. So you should talk it over with them and your husband first. Then just make an arranement to pay a little for rent, but not alot.

Elke - posted on 05/02/2010

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Its time to cut the string they will never grow up and will be responsible if you help them out all the time. They should pay rent and the utilities and provide for them self's . You mean very well and love them, but it is time for some tough love. You and your children will feel much better if they take care of them self's your relation chip will get better also and it will be a good exsample for your younger son. Do not wait to long and charge them for the things they break . Sit down with them and write out a rent agreement and if that does not work make them move out and see how they like that. It will be hard but in they end it will be better for all of you good luck elke

JOSIE - posted on 05/02/2010

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What are you doing?!!!! You're basically teaching your grown up kids (and the 16 year old watching on) to be irresponsible and have no respect for their mother or other peoples property. Being a parent is not all about being "nice" and doing everything for them but guiding them to be mature responsible adults in the long term. Please let them grow up for their sake and yours. You need to charge rent, have ground rules etc about paying/putting right damage and they need to buy their own bloomin' groceries. How will they cope when you're not around to play fairy Godmother to their every wish? Maybe you're afraid that being firm will make them stop loving you? maybe you feel some guilt about the divorce? As a Mum of a 24 and a 17 year old, i know the feelings are sometimes hard when the kids grow up and leave, and part of you still wants them to need you, but you can be supportive and let them take responsibility for their own lives.

Dawn - posted on 05/02/2010

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I say - they either pay rent or repairs - they can't have it both ways.
Work out what you could charge rent if you got true renters in then let them know what that cost would be that THEY are getting totally FREE. I would then say to them that if they are going to pay rent, then you will reduce the amount slightly because of who they are, but they HAVE to pay their way somehow. Crikey, they are grown up, they should have some idea how real life works.

Alison - posted on 05/02/2010

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well it sounds if your children know mom will run if they start to fall... It's time to cut the umbilical cord , they are much to old not to take responsibility of the house you so freely gave them to live in.. they work, are old enough to know better and should be respectful enough to care for the home they live in. look at it this way if they lived in apartments or a house they rented from anyone else then they would not behave in such childish ways, or they would of been kicked to the curb. so either charge them rent or make them pay for any repairs that are needed. even paying for the paint! I know it would be an honor to be given a place to call home and not have to pay a dime, but come on hun its really time to let them be the adults they are....

Laura - posted on 05/02/2010

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My husband and I have eleven children of our own and have taken in many others who needed parents as well. Seven of our children are now "adults", four are married and on their own, three of those adults are still living in our home, are in college and working. While we don't charge them rent per se, we do expect them to help out with whatever we ask, including buying groceries occasionally. They are very responsible people and have no issues with helping as they understand that there are costs to living anywhere. They're happy to be able to live inexpensively while they're in school and planning for their futures, so don't balk at anything we ask of them. Being a part of a large family like ours has some automatic benefits and character building aspects. From early ages, they learned that everyone in the household has to carry their own weight. We have 8 year olds doing their own laundry, 10 year olds cutting grass, children on stools doing dishes and chores are a natural part of life for EVERYONE. That, I believe, has prepared them all for responsible adulthood, not eternal dependence on mom and dad for all their needs. I would imagine that, with the trauma of your divorce, you probably overcompensated for your children, which is totally understandable. But now, they have learned that "mom will do it for us" and they have to be taught differently. Old dogs CAN learn new tricks. It will be a little more painful than if they were still young, but it can happen and it won't kill them. In fact, they will very possibly THANK YOU down the road. An old Chinese proverbs says: "The best time to plant a tree is twenty years ago, the second best time is today" Go for it, girl! Be gentle but firm and just have them start paying you rent (a flat rate, and it doesn't have to be market value) so that you can pay someone to make repairs/do maintenance. You might even get a "security deposit" from each of them ($100.00 each) and open a reserve account to help cover repairs. They will probably be a little more careful from here on out and appreciate the discounted rent you graciously offer them! Praying for you today!

Phyllis - posted on 05/02/2010

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Dear Karen

Congratulations on your new family home.



I don't think your children appreciate what they have. Have they ever had to live on there own and pay their own rent, food and utilities.



I believe that nothing in life is really free. There will always be taxes to pay for example. I don't think letting children work and keeping all their earnings teaches them the importance of money and how to budget for life's necessities: that is a roof over your head and food on the table. Its a hard lesson to learn when you have had it so easy. Let them pay the utilites, for their own food, and have your home owners insurance pay for anything broken of value.



Needless to say, all of what is happening with the divorce is very heartbreaking. I hope they are working and can take care of themselves. But I would leave your new husband out of it.



good luck and God Bless you and your family

Phyllis



PS Of course they should all chip in for the rent too. Are they employed?

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