Anyone struggling with the emotions of having an abandoned child ?

Nikki - posted on 04/19/2010 ( 15 moms have responded )

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My son was abandoned by his father when he was a baby . His father never looked back and never attempted to have contact with his only son. No child support etc so again I enjoy gaining the insight of Mom's along side of me and the ones further ahead in their journey :) Feedback please !!!

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Nikki - posted on 07/05/2010

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WOw that is alot Jennifer but none of it shocks me unfortunately. It is very very sad and sounds like to me you have gone to the ends of the earth for your son to have a relationship with his father for your son's sake and I must admit you are a much bigger person than I am. I know we as parents have to put our children first and our feelings aside however in my son's case his father is so awful he just VANISHED. That was it, POOF , GONE and I do hurt for my son terribly as I know when he gets older he will not understand why his father "CHOSE" to not have anything to do with him. I am going to handle it with Ethan the best way I can by not talking "bad" about his father but simply explaining to him that his father opted to not have a relationship with him as simply put I can't HIDE IT !!! I found out later Ethan's father also has a 21 year daughter in Texas he abandoned in 1988 as well and he never looked back . She does not know him to this day so this guy is a sociopath NO DOUBT. I think in reality since this is our case it's best my son not know him as he obviously has mental issues and is not capable of having feelings so he could only damage my son further if he played the yo yo game with him and that I would not allow besides he WOn't even show his face anyway so I don't have to worry about any contact with him for Ethan. Sad yes but true . Just life I guess but I sure did learn alot throughout this ordeal and I now know people like my son's father exist. I could never imagine having no contact with my child, not know where he lives or how he is doing. It is MIND BLOWING. WOW WOW WOW . So as sad as it is , I don't have the "drama" . I did file for support through DHS but they can't find him girl. I am still legally married to him too because I never could afford a divorce or the fees to go before a judge and file abandonment etc, BUT Dhs knows he abandoned us so I am covered on that end. I feel certain thissociopath probably already has another child on the way by now!!!! All I can say or think is God love her ya know , ouch . This guy is the finest piece of garbage I have ever known in my entire life. So I simply pray for God's guidance with my son every day and I pray God will heal my son's wounds as he grows older. I take comfort knowing I wil teach my son to be a good man :) I do think God tends to these matters in life and I know there is nothing good ahead in life wating for Kenneth Wayne Witt !!! 2 abandoned children , come on !! He will never be happy or succesful at anything and God will take care of HIM!! I feel all we can do is be there for our children and give them extra love and support and remind them they have a mother who loves them dearly :) I tell my son that every day . I think time will be the cure all for you and your child and I pray God be with you . Write anytime , I am always here :) Much love to you , Nikki

Jennifer - posted on 07/20/2010

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LOL that sounds similar to what my ex's former fiancee said to me after I tried to just tell her that if she planned on marrying this guy she didn't know what kind of hell for her and her kids she was in for. I was trying to "destroy" her. Then when that whole BS about him lying to me about telling her he slept with me while our divorce was pending and they were living together (sounds funky, i know), and I then proceeded to apologize (instead I was telling her) SHE SAID I DID THIS JUST BECAUSE I WAS JEALOUS and wanted him back and couldn't have him! I was trying to destroy her! Hell she does a great job on her own! I think women do this because they just don't want to change the picture they have created of this guy in their mind. The picture that he (probably) lied and BS'd his way into creating. My ex actually called me after I had accidentally told her and he said, "well, we are done" and I said, "oh, I'm sorry". hell he was talking ABOUT HIM AND I!!!! i didn't know there was a WE and then (since she was sitting right there babysitting) said he felt so much better cuz i was holding it over his head (yeah right!) and threw in some more stuff to save his own backside and trashing me. then he told me that she wasn't going to allow him and i to speak at all, it would be him talking to my son only. at the time i was thinking "i bet it'll be fun planning a plane trip with an 8 year old....hope his credit card isn't maxed out....LOL". but i knew there was something wrong with her. they had a car (she wasn't working, except when they had a photo shoot with his business) for ....almost a year and it was a stick. SHE NEVER LEARNED HOW TO DRIVE IT!!! she just let him drive her around. I learned more about her after they broke up and i had been pretty much right all along. Now while he and I were together he got his own rap sheet and was an addict that last go around. He got help and was doing well so I thought MAYBE he was going to get his stuff straight. For awhile I was DEEPLY resentful because I thought to myself, "ok, this jerk screwed me over and still is, left his son and gets to be with someone and be happy...how is THAT FAIR"??????????
BUT like I said..... karma got him back. After about a year he was drinking occasionally because she was basically a bar whore so she still had to go out. then after they broke up he started using here and there again and now......i don't know. he was still on probation for writing bad checks and stealing stuff .... and he wrote more bad checks! he had to ask his parents for the money (which, of course all the things he did while we were together they put down as MY FAULT), then his sister was staying there after surgery and SHE caught him taking her vicodin..... so two HUGE things down his family blamed on me down.... and now he sits, living at his moms, trying to make a business that HIS EX owns half of and he works with her NOW THAT SHE'S MARRIED TO SOMEONE ELSE (took all of 6 weeks after they broke up). THe guy she married works overseas for months at a time, basically gave her the OK to sleep with him (since she's be lonley), and then when he got his car repo'd GAVE HIM THE CAR SHE WAS SUPPOSED TO HAVE AND LETS HER DRIVE HIS TRUCK AND MY EX DRIVES HER JEEP! the husband is STILL paying for the jeep too! it's just such a messed up and dumb situation. he's still in love with a woman who basically lured him in, played the games to get him working and get herself NOT working and then sat and waited for HIM to take care of her, knowing he couldn't do that. when they ended up out of their house, she dumped him and married a financially secure guy, he married her for arm candy (despite the fact that she only looks ok with a truckload of makeup), so she isn't like some gorgeous chick or something. meanwhile my ex sits and hangs on her, strung out cuz she's still playing games and doing JUST enough to keep him around and ok with her and uses drugs to numb his emotional pain he's too stupid to get out of. soooo......he never changed his stripes. he ended up right where I left him! but I would say never intervene with another girl because she will defend him. "love is blind"....the "rose colored glasses".... yep. they see what they want to see. they think they are the "special" one who will make him do "right" and straighten out for THEM.
I wondered about my ex while i was watching what was going down with his daughter and his other ex....but i already was pregnant so it didn't matter.....plus I wanted my oldest to have a sibling regardless. I prayed that things would be different with my son...that the extra years they spent together would make my ex act differently toward him and me being open to him being in my son's life would change the outcome from what is was with his daughter (he went to jail and his ex wife allowed him to sign off all parental rights .....she used the daughter as a weapon anyway so it was a lose-lose situation).
well........ for the past three weeks i have been ignoring his calls and text messages. i had called and left a message, one, after my son and i were messing around on facebook and he asked about his dad. i went to their company facebook page and pulled up a picture (not on purpose) of his dad swinging his ex girlfriend's daughter around with a message from someone below saying "oh, aren't you lucky jason" and he said back, "yes i sure am. i wouldn't trade that moment for anything. she is my little angel". AND MY SON READ IT! i didn't expect anything like that! so he got really mad, so did i, and just left a message saying i need to talk to him about his son.
BUT i had to get real with myself. what's he gonna do? lie. say whatever he has to BESIDES the truth. ultimately he will NEVER move here as he said he would to help raise his son. He will NEVER be a constant in his son's life. He will NEVER pay child support on his own or otherwise be there for his son. so what the hell was I calling for? why do i need to talk to him? he has proven his worthlessness time and time again. so i just ignored his text and phone calls. I'm sure that shocked him a bit since me and my son are ALWAYS sitting waiting for him to be a dad, never stopped talking, never quit answering the phone. SO today he called my mom! she hates him so this was quite a step for him! I guess he said he "just wanted to make sure everything was ok". mom (of course) over exaggerated how great everything is, how we just had a great weekend at the lake and how great brandon is doing. she said he sounded stoned. big surprise. i guess if you can learn anything and not go through years of mistakes like i did, i would wish for you to be able to forgive and accept. it's hard as HELL but again, TRUST that God and/or the universe WILL take care of him. Someone cannot do wrong and have a great life! It just won't happen!
Do what you can for you, and for your son. Know what this chick is in for, and even though you tried to do a good thing to warn her....she will learn the hard way. As well as anyone else who is with him after that! I am at that point in my life where I'm glad I don't have a man to worry about. I have enough going on with my kids and doing what I need to do for myself. Society pushes us, as women, to be constantly NEEDING a man. Uh, why? I can be, and am, happy on my own. I don't see being alone as a disease. I know I can get a man but I don't have the time....well I don't have the desire to waste the time on it all. I know my ex has been and is in quicksand, and trust FULLY that God will take care of him for what he has done to his son and continues to do. And while right now his business is doing well, how well is his photography business going to be when he's suddenly gone and in jail? Cuz I won't let him write off my son. Money will be the only chance of him getting out. That is the extent of what I can control. And right now I am financially in trouble and can't get a lawyer, but I will keep on bugging the Attorney General's office and interstate child support people until i do find an attorney. Meanwhile, every week his debt to me goes up. Actually every day, because of interest. And even though I want to nail him now but can't, I know it's just a matter of time. It's also just a matter of time before his son gets so mad he will hate his father. And the time will come (even if it's on his deathbed) where he will regret what he has done to his son, and to me. I've been nothing but kind and forgiving and left a totally open door for him to be with his son and he abused it. His lying and manipulating attitude will get to be too much in time for him. One day he will look back and regret and ya know on my end, i can honestly say i did EVERYTHING in my power to bring them together. i can say honestly i showed him more forgiveness than he deserved and suffered more trials and tribulations while raising his son than I should have. But I have also (and continue doing) everything I can for my son to grow up NOT being a sociopath. Cuz girl, that's all you can do. Do the best you can for yourself and your child. Have faith that there IS a balance in the world and he is pushing it the wrong way and will get what is coming to him. Seek out help from the county and assistance if you need to, to get rid of this man (or should i say little boy) who leaves a wake of pain wherever he goes. And, just let the law take care of him. Take him off your accounts that show you who he is friends with or connected with cuz i PROMISE it will just make you mad and give him attention from you, even if it's negative, he will think he still "got" you, ya know? i know it can be really hard to not look at that stuff, but i learned the hard way all it does is fuel my fire to be more angry over shit i can't do anything about anyway. don't give him anything, girl. let go and HAVE FAITH that if you do right, you will bring good things to your life and so long as he continues to do wrong, he will bring bad things to his life.....even if he has a few years of being "happy" he will be knocked down. cuz trust me, he thinks you still have it for him and that's why you are mad and keep after him. My ex had that same thinking. Take out the trash! Do your job by letting him know where you are and how to get in touch with you, and drop him. Make him come to YOU. and maybe he never will, but YOU DID WHAT YOU CAN, right? i even sent my in laws a long email (again) letting them know they can contact my son any time they want and to not think that they have to go through my ex, and that the past was the past and I WANTED them to know their grandson. I DID WHAT I COULD. i never got a response and maybe i never will. but i can't make them see the truth and do what's right.
but get rid of any "updates" or constant communication with him. have faith. do what is in your power and keep your side of the street clean. your life and your sons will be better for it! PROMISE! :)
Love and prayers, Jen

Christy - posted on 04/27/2010

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yea i started to get some counseling for my emotions because they are starting to be overwhelming it hurts for my sons father to tell me i love u and i want to be with u but then u dont hear from him for 3 months or him tell you im going to send some money and get nothing i have recently learned that his mother has become more serious about taking my son out of the country and its scary to think that 1 bad moment that im not watching him and he is gone thanks for making this group

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Sonora - posted on 02/02/2012

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I am very sorry, this is hard, but it is much worse if they stay & bond with the child & abondon them years later.. my son is almost 8, my husband left the house last march and never came home, this has been a terrible experience, i have never felt so confused, and betrade in my life, but the worst has been watching my son try to deal with the fact his father left. he had never been without his papa before.

this is a terrible situation, it crushes my heart seeing my son this way.. we are working on it tho.. but know that it it is easier when they are babies, for both mother & child, & it will get easier

Nikki - posted on 11/17/2010

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Hey Shannon , I just read your post and your story has as many similiarities as differences as mine but all the same emotions and difficulties etc. I figured he would not have much of a estate as you said but it's worth finding out for Ethan. My first husband died when my oldest daughter was a baby so she and I both received SS benefits , me as his widow and her of course his child. All of your son's father's children are eligible for survivor's benefits and SS goes retro on child support back to his date of death. Ethan and you need and deserve that. As for the emotional parts of our stories , I will message you privately. You just go to someone's profile and there is the option to send a message :) I am headed your way now :), NIKKI :)

Shannon - posted on 11/17/2010

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Hi Nikki, I'd love to hear more of your story how do we message privately?

My story is complicated by the fact that his father was Korean,... different behavior. Yes I am pursuing his "estate" .. not that I think there is much of an estate. I was thinking more of Social Security survivor's benefits. My son is 15. I searched all over the internet about pursuing paternity when the father is dead, and there are such cases. The New York law on it is particularly difficult because you have to prove that the father openly claimed the child as his own, which I doubt is the case here. But I think NY law will not apply here... he lived in Georgia. I cannot afford a lawyer. I have to do this myself. I did not know if it was a probate court matter or a family court matter. I contacted the probate court where he lived and they said he did not have a will so I should petition the court for "determination of heirs" and that is what I am doing. It is difficult because paternity was never legally setablished. There would have to be DNA testing of his close relatives (such as hs daughter or other son, or his siblings), unless there is a piece of tissue or blood of him left behind in some lab. I don't know if a judge can compel a family member to undergo testing...they might have to volunteer. I also need to know what kind of cancer he had. It is not clear from the death certificate. His mother also died of cancer and she was not very old either. And I really would like his name on the birth certificate..there is no name there and it makes it look as if I did not know who the father was. I would like if we could be in touch with Ethan's half-siblings and also the boy that grew up with Ethan's father (his stepson). Don't knkow where his first son is, the other 2 are living with their mother.

Nikki - posted on 11/17/2010

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I am just now seeing this post Shannon :) I wrote to you on the other conversation post. Yes you do have unresolved emotions as I do. I would love to stay in touch with you as my story is lengthy as well and when my Ethan's father left, he left me with more questions than answers so I do understand the complexity of this for you and your son even though your son says he does not care , I am sure he has feelings he stuffs deep down as it seems my son is already doing . I will add you to my circle and we can message privately if you ever want to talk., NIKKI

Shannon - posted on 11/13/2010

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I am in the same situation. Last time I saw the father I was 7 months pregnant. This was 15 years ago. I did not have his SSN and he had a common name, also was an immigrant who did not leave a paper trail Iworked under the table, no bills in his name). I thought he went back to his country. About 8 years ago I paid a PI who came up with an address and I sent a letter there, had a conversation with a lady who claimed to be his sister and said he was not in the US. We talked and I was convinced it was a different person. Fast forward 8 years later and I found out that she lied (either for him, or without his knowledge, I don't know). She was his wife and he was living and working (legally) continually in the US and they had a daughter together, 3 years younger than my son, and he was helping support her son that lived with them as well. And... he's dead. He died last year so my son can never meet him and I can never know if he gave 1 thought over the years to the baby he knew I was having. He also had a son in his own country that he left behind when he got divorced and came to the US,. He spoke often of him when I knew him (we were not married) and I knew he wanted to go back there and be with him.. I don't know what happened and why he didn't or where that son is now. I have a lot of mixed feelings about this. My son says he does not care. I know my son's father's new life was not without some serious problems - drinking and debt, and then a terminal illness. I don't know where his other family members are (besides his wife and daughter and stepson). I had met one of them, a cousin, and would like to find him and talk with him, because he is the one who drove him to my house on the last day I ever saw him. The woman he married also abandoned a child, her first daughter by her ex, I have so many questions. I know that my son's father would have loved my son if they had met.. he liked children. He was not a very young man.. he was 36 when I last saw him. He was 51 when he died.

Nikki - posted on 07/26/2010

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You are welcome !!! This is exactly why I made this group ! Just for Moms like us :) write anytime and anyway I can help you just let me know :) I try to give the best advice I can and I do pray alot!! Much love to you !

Nikki - posted on 07/17/2010

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THANK YOU JENNIFER SO MUCH!!!! Funny thing happened last week. Well FIRST let me say I can RElate to YOU !! It is horrible to endure watching our children go through the emotional pain of a absent parent. God Knows I have suffered for my son girl and what he is to discover as he grows older. I pray so much about it yet the HUMAN side of me holds great animosity towards his FATHER for IGNORING his own SON !! NO child support , still married etc and have no idea his address !! I have not had the funds to "file" for a divorce and have child support set up and I KNOW his father leaves it ALONE as he does not want to be COURT ORDERED to PAY !!!! Well girl funny thing is I have a yahoo email account and yahoo has "updated" their system so the other day it showed "KEnneth is NOW Connected with Christine" !! So I clicked on her name to "warn" her very very politely that if she is "connected" with kenneth to please be "careful" as he has 2 abandoned wives , 2 abandoned children and one ex-wife all here in Mississippi!! I was very nice and simply said please be careful of this guy as he has a RAP SHEET to boot for miles and miles and I explained he ignores his own son & daughter ! She wrote me back saying "IF someone has moved on then why would you SEEK them out to DESTROY TEHM? AND just because he has had a few bad "experiences" does not make him a "bad" person !! what happened to forgive so YOU can be forgiven??" Well JEN I about DIED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I told her I DID NOT SEEK HER OUT OR KEN OUT AS IT JUST POPPED UP ON "connections" !!! So I thought I would do the "proper" thing and WARN HER !!!! I also stated , "if you can have a relationship with someone capable of abandoning his children then that is your business , not mine , however I thought it was only proper to warn you!!!!! JEN, WHY are women so naieve?? I ask you girl. If she thinks for one minute that she has a child with this loser and he will stick around and 'WORK" for a living to provide for her and their baby she has ANOTHER THOUGHT COMING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HE RUNS !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This guy had a gorgeous son & a good wife BUT he can't handle responsibility so she angered me !!! He looks out only for himself Jen , period and uses his LOOKS to have women take care of HIM !! I learned the hard way and said so !!!!! I mean really , wouldn't you "wonder" about your new man knowing he has 2 abandoned children and 2 abandoned wives???!!!! I also stated I thought you might want a "warning" FROM HIS WIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!! GOD HELP ME GIRL & MY SON , he owes my son thousands upon thousands of dollars through DHS !!! GOD HELP YOU , ME & OUR CHILDREN !!! Much LOve to you !!!!! NIKKI

Jennifer - posted on 07/06/2010

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if you have his social or dhs does they should be able to find an address. he HAS to work eventually!
I think you can file your divorce on your own actually. It depends on your state as far as "serving" him since you don't know where he is. Some states want you to just write up something saying you've done everything in your power to find him and have it notarized or put an ad in the paper for him announcing the divorce and if he doesn't respond you can write your own ticket.
Spousal support (or alimony) pumped up child support, any debt from when ya'll were living together, write it all up and stick him with it.
Now, someday they will find him and he would find out he got divorced and pretty much hosed in the process. He couldn't fight anything until he got busted for non payment. If he has parents you could send all the crap to them? don't know. just a suggestion.
With my ex, when I went to file the divorce I was fresh with the information that he had been screwing around with my best friend so I had her put me in for sole custody, him paying for ALL costs of visitation, and the only time my son would be there for a visit would be for 4 weeks in the summer and every other christmas. Aside from that he had to come HERE to visit. I put 400/month for child support and 5000 in spousal support for money he owed me (which I jacked up the number a little) and so he was to pay a little over 200 for 2 years to pay off the 5k. HE had to take all debts from the marriage and have health insurance. Since he lived in Texas he had his parents flip the bill to try to hire an attorney to get the divorce down there at the same time. Kind of funny....I knew they were going to serve him but they were trying to serve me. It boiled down to whoever got served first was the valid one. My lawyer told me if I didnt' answer the door they couldn't "make" me come sign. So for about a week I hid. I was just starting a relationship with someone and trying to hide why I was hiding, spending some of my days in town at a hotel was awkward to say the least. BUT I got him. This was like in March of that year. Over the next few months (and he broke up with my ex friend) we talked more and more and this was the time period where we were friends. When it came time for him to review and sign or contest I knew the parts that weren't fair and figured he'd say something and I was going to change it to be fair. Well he was so anxious to get it over with he skimmed it and signed. I was expecting to pay half of the visits and to drop the spousal support by about 2k since he and i had only discussed 3k. BUT.....too busy with his head up his girlfriends ass to READ apparently. so it's locked in. Now the problem is getting Texas to enforce the decree. I have no clue what the hold up is but the last time I spoke with them she actually said,"well he isn't working, that's why he's not paying child support". I got a bit mad. I said "what are you here for? you're SUPPOSED TO be representing the best interest of my SON not the deadbeat dad! AND FYI he's been working the entire time we've been divorced but since it's through his friend they changed and put him on as contract so they don't have to do a withholding order! AND NOW he has his own business! He has the means! i haven't called since. i'm trying to find a lawyer that will take the case and then make my ex pay the legal fees. I know that's been done before but I don't know how to find the attorneys who do that.
BUT i'm totally with you on just not being able to walk away from your child. I never knew I could love someone so much until I had my kids. These guys will pay. I believe in Karma and I know he is going to continue to have a jacked up life until he begins doing the right thing with my son and in the other areas of his life. God will guide me on what I need to do to keep my son emotionally healthy, as much as I can.
The other problem is my son has his dads personality, no joke. He lies, takes money, does not care about consequences when he gets in trouble. NOTHING works. NOTHING. If i could crack that problem things would be a lot more peaceful for me. I put a post up about it and hopefully some other moms can give some ideas I haven't done yet or maybe find a mom that's gone thru it. My oldest one is just the opposite, so it's not "nurture", its' "nature". My oldest is so kind hearted and honest. His best attempt to lie to me is by staring at me and not saying anything. I just don't get it. I pray for guidance, because I fear if my little one doesn't learn his lesson about these bad personality traits now he will end up like his dad, hanging out in and out of jail and using people. He's so smart. He just needs to use it in the right ways.
As far as the emotional scar, it will get better in time as it has already a bit. But a scar like that I don't know if it will ever heal. I just pray he will remember how he feels now and when he grows up and has his own kids he'll have a passion for them and refuse to have a life without them.
and thanks for the response, I really appreciate it! Aside from my mom I don't have a lot of support. And you too, send me a message anytime and keep me updated on how your kiddo is doing! God Bless! Jen

Jennifer - posted on 07/05/2010

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I FULLY AGREE ABOUT WATCHING WHO YOU TRUST as far as the kids and in-laws, even what you tell their fathers. I mistakenly vented something that happened with my mother ( I was living with her but by the next month my house was done and we moved out) and he took it and RAN. It went from me being frustrated because my mom begain taking celexa and clonopin when my grandma died and she was in the weaning process......and I don't know if you have any experience with this but coming off of antidepressants makes your emotions kind of HIGH for awhile. I knew that. That is what I told him. He stated that, "the environment was unsafe for Liam (my son) because we were living with my mother who was bipolar, schizophrenic and off her meds". My heart fell out of my chest when I got the papers that he was trying for custody. 1%chance it'd work was too much. Sorry about the trust rant. Just giving you my example of something so small that I trusted my ex on and he blew it up and made my life hell for 7 months.
Nikki, I know it absolutely sucks that your son was abandoned from the word GO. Personally, my father died when I was 2 and I have no memories of him. The only part that hurts about that is because he WAS a good man and I have no memories to mourn. Your son, too, won't miss what he didn't have. Then every kid hits the "I want a dad" and begins asking questions. If I were you I would try to be as honest as possible without hurting him. Lay it on his dad with something like.....he wasn't ready to be the best dad he could be for you, something else that lets him know it was his fathers decision but not because OF him or because he DIDN'T love him. Maybe someone would disagree on that little lie but there's no way I could say "well hey.l he just up and left and doesn't care about either of us." too much. At the same time don't protect his father in your sons eyes and leave it at answering questions. One day he may want to find his dad and learn what kind of person he is. I know I would. And it just makes you look like a better mom for being strong and not bashing dad.
Do you have a child support order? If not I would recommend you get one. He should be responsible for the life he has created. At the same time if he left him early on ......if I had the money and the means to take care of him without help maybe I'd let it lie if/until his dad gets ahold of you. It makes it hard when they're little enough to not remember.
My situation is a wee bit different. My husband decided to hook up with my best friend and instead of moving up to be with us as we had agreed, to stay down in Texas. He was lazy and I was the one who worked so up until my youngest was 6 his daddy was home all the time with him. My son has been blessed with my crazy accurate and long memory which is a curse in this scenario. After about 6 months (and after he and my friend broke up) we both had moved on with new boyfriend, he had a new girlfriend and we had a good friendship going. He would call to talk to me and I would make sure to pass off the phone to Brandon (my son). I continued to do this for about a year and realized that all I was doing was covering my ex's backside and "making" him have a relationship with his son. While maybe this would save my son pain, it just isn't realistic to continue that way. So I left it up to him to keep his word. Which he didn't. Ever. It's pretty bad when an 8 year old gets off the phone with his dad and I ask "so how was your talk with daddy" and he says "he told me we can do a virtual visit tomorrow but he doesn't ever do what he tells me so I doubt he will". for awhile tears would follow. pretty soon he would quit telling me about the promised visits unless I asked and just not expect it. Which to me is sad. He is having some serious behavioral issues and has for awhile. To sum that up, how do you teach a child to be a good, honest person when he seriously does not care ONE BIT about consequences no matter what they are?
Well after his dad got kicked out by his girlfriend, who is a waste of air that could be used on a decent person, I jumped to fly him up here (on my dime even though per the orders he is supposed to pay) hoping to spark up that relationship again. I even offered for him to move up here to help me raise his son because of how hard it has been for Brandon. He half agreed then went back to blowing him off again. Around Brandon's birthday he had some time off so again, I flew Jason up here. About a month before I had a psych eval done on Brandon. he was diagnosed with ADHD, ODD (oppositional defiant disorder and one more that's related to not adjusting to his dad being gone and abandonment issues. It was like every sentence I read rooted in his father. I told him about it and sent it to him. Then when i flew jason here again in april i put the 3 of us in a room and asked brandon to tell his dad how he feels and why he is sad. he said a few things but the one that got me was "when you never call or do what you say you will it makes me think you don't love me". LORD i cried. how can someone listen to THAT come out of their childs mouth and NOT change? yet he was decided to move up and again within a week or two....gone. I have been overly kind with child support. After this last visit and subsequent blow off I decided to do what I can to have him help me. Which is child support and he is 16k behind...plus he missed two years of spousal support payments so add 5k plus interest. Maybe this will wake him up. Maybe (probably) it won't but its about time he own up and help me even if it is financially. I even offered to let him pay his bills (if he was here) through child support to get his balance down and to stop it from accruing. I think I can safely say I've done whatever I can to ensure Jason has access to his son. But I should know a sociopath doesn't know how to appreciate people or how to feel badly for their actions.
This is why I think it's a hard call for your son's situation. Do you just leave him flapping in the wind and move on with your son or take a chance that either 1-maybe he will eventually be a dad to him or he will 2-break his heart. I can tell you there is one person in the world that can help Brandon feel ok about himself and no matter how much family or how much I love him he will ache for his dad. And believe me, it's HELL to watch your child be in emotional pain that you can't do a damn thing about.

Nikki - posted on 06/18/2010

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How are things going Christy ?? Just checking on you and your child , please let me know you guys are doing ok, God Bless , Nikki

Nikki - posted on 04/29/2010

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Christy , sounds like your on the right path for dealing with your emotions and that is wise . Your post frightens me , I have to say because it sounds as if there is danger lurking for you and your child. I know the empty promises by your child's father are so tiring on you emotionally . I am praying for you, be strong Christy and hang in there regarding that . As for his mother , What rights does she have to your child ?? I would be terrified too knowing that is something they make well known to you . That is very serious Christy. If his mother has no legal rights to your child then I would consider you seeking professional help on that matter as no one could bare to live with that possibility happening "hanging over your head". I would either cut ties with her or have her visits "monitored" . Don't take any chances and be careful who you TRUST Christy. Keep me posted and God be with you , Nikki

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