How can we overcome the strain of being the only disciplinarian ?

Nikki - posted on 05/07/2010 ( 5 moms have responded )

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As administrator of this group I am going to seek counsel on this subject as I know how tiring being the only one to discipline becomes on us mothers , emotionally, physically and spiritually . Any feedback anyone has received thus far is welcome ...

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DigiMom - posted on 04/08/2013

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Hi!Im relieved to find such a wonderful forum for moms facing similar situations .My husband has been abandoning us off and on, in pursuit of his personal dreams and goals.I have a son, 8, and a daughter who is 5.The bitter fact is they know he has abandoned us.He went away without fulfilling our financial needs this time.He keeps in touch sometimes through email, only inquiring routine questions as to how we are, as if he doesn't know what he has put us through.My daughter was very attached to him.His behaviour towards me before he left was so inappropriate this time, that she has started showing resentment.She still awaits him though.My son is too attached to me, but he is collecting anger within, and spitting it every few days.He disobeys, shouts and displays unacceptable behaviour.I sometimes blame myself for what they are experiencing.I am a rheumatic patient, struggling with multiple other health issues.He wanted to reallocate us to a cold and freezing location, unbearable for my aching joints.Besides he wanted me to work, which is out of question for me at the moment.My parents have been supporting me, and I am proud to have such a supportive familyIt is getting difficult to discipline my son, because I panic and lose my temper often.How can I make it easy on me and my kids?

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Donna - posted on 08/18/2010

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I know a lot of sinlge mums out there will not agree with this but personally, for me, i think it wsa probably easier for me that my daughters father wasnt around, especially when she was very young. i was so oversme by this tiny person and changed my life in every way possible, that i dont think i could have held down a relationship as well! also, as far as discipline goes, it is true, we dont need to argue over what is best for our child - what we mums say goes!! my daughter has many other people in he life who love and spend time with her so, for now at least, she doesnt need her father. i cannot imagine someone telling me what to do with my daughter - if my mum makes a comment even about something small like "i wouldnt do it like that", i just smile and say, "thats why im her mother and not you!" :o) i am priveleged to hae my daughter all to myself, with no custody issues - he simply is not and never has been interested. our life is simple - it is me and my daughter against the world!

Jennifer - posted on 08/16/2010

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sounds like you have it together, Miss.Nikki! I almost think it'd be easier if my son didn't know his dad so there wasn't the emotion tied to it. And to be honest, when the time comes to telling him about his dad I'd just make sure he knows 1-you will always be there 2-it's not his fault 3-his dad loves him (and maybe.... add just doesn't know how to show it?) and 4- there are millions of kids out there in the situation he is in and he is NOT alone. just like us, i think when i started telling my son that there were a LOT of moms and kids out there in the same situation and dads that act the same way..... it helped ease his lonliness. Cuz they don't know.
Myself my bio dad died when i was 2 from leukemia. Mom liked to go out .... a LOT so my grandma was like the other half of the mom i didn't have. she married when i was 5 to an abusive prick (to her and me) and that lasted..... until i was in 4th grade? i think that's where i got the whole, not disciplining kids when I was mad thing. but 20 years ago she married a WONDERFUL man who the kids and myself ADORE. he is an example of what a man and a truly good and kind person should be. i consider us blessed. However when she divorced from the abuser, he promised to visit, send birthday cards, take me to an upcoming parade...... and he just vanished. now that's not the same as your blood father but it still did NOT make me feel good. and with my 2nd ex, he did the same with my oldest. my oldest's dad is there for him all the time but still, my ex was living with me helping me raise my oldest since he was about 1 1/2 - 2 until he was 10 and he was able to just DROP that bond. but my oldest also saw how he was treating his brother and never expected anything and is very resentful for the way he treats his little brother. ANYWAY..... just be consistant even if it's hard and you're tired..... try to think of the benefits long term of being consistant. not folowing through today could lead your son to continue testing you on things, whereas consistancy leaves no question for him. much like respect and ensuring your kids respect you, it's something that has to be instilled early on and followed through with consistantly. keep the big picture in your mind, of creating a person who knows rules and consequences will happen. knows disrespecting mom is NOT an option.
much love to you!

Nikki - posted on 08/14/2010

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That is a great post Jennifer :) i agree with you one hundred percent!! I have days I am not "consistent" with my discipline with my son as I get tired at 42 some days!!! LOL !! I use time out with my son and he is a fit thrower but I let him throw his fit and never yell at him or spank him for doing so. I let him know how "disappointed" I am in him and in a few hours after it sinks in with him he actually feels upset about what he has done and apologizes to me :) LOL , it is a challenge for sure and I do feel for some reason with boys they benefit from having a father around to help discipline them but I pray and let God lead me :) My son will be four in October and has only asked me a few questions about his father as in "Where is my Dad , Mom?" and "Why does my Dad not see me Mom?" so I am waiting til he is a bit older before I attempt to explain the reality of the situation :) He seems to be well rounded so far as he does not "know" yet what he is missing so to speak . He has never been in daycare and he will go to pre-k soon so I imagine he will have more questions for me when the day comes he understands a bit better seeing other kids have fathers. I just really want to do what is best and right for him so I pray alot and ask God to lead me in my discipline of him. I admit I am a bit lost as I was raised by both my parents whom are still married today!! They have been together since they were 19 and they are 68 today!! I have two older brothers and I know the critical role my own father played in raising them so some days I worry as I am human :) Thank you for replying to me and thank you for sharing with me . I started this group just for Moms like me and you :) I hope you are doing well and I truly appreciate your feedback as it helped me :) Thanks Jennifer and God Bless, Nikki

Jennifer - posted on 07/06/2010

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I never discipline my children if I am angry. I get myself together and know that it needs to be done in order to shape this little life God has given me to direct in the right direction. It would be great if someone else was around to do it but at least there are no fights over what kinds of discipline to use, when to use them etc. For whatever reason God gave us a child to use our own discretion on to teach right and wrong, good and bad. SOOOOO what i'm saying is remind yourself that you are actually helping your child by using discipline and be grateful that God gave you such a precious thing and has enough confidence in you to do the right thing by him or her and get the child where he or she needs to be!

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