2 girls with 2 different fathers

Jeanine - posted on 07/26/2009 ( 15 moms have responded )

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I am a mother of 2 beautiful girls . They have different fathers, i dated my oldest daughters father for 2 years before i got pregnant . I thought i was in love , thought we were getting married you know all the lies !!!. He then left me and my daughter when i was 9 months pregnant !!! he was 4 years older than me i was only 19 , but he wasnt ready to give up drinking and party to take care of a kid....He has a very little do to with my child maybe sees her once a year if that ! rarely speaks to her . Anyways iam now engaged to my second daughters father he took on my first child no questions asked, he is her daddy no question. They are not treated different at all!!! My question is iam having problems with her biological fathers mother she is taking me to court over vitiation with my oldest daughter . I stopped visitation because she would say bad things about me in front of my daughter and also tell my daughter things like hes not your daddy your mommy just tells you that ..etc. Her bio dad has nothing to do with her ! I am just wondering if any mothers have been in a similar situations.. and also the guilt i feel for my daughter her bio dad now has another child.... a daughter who i assume he takes care of...he is 29 now his new GF is like 19 or 20 they are getting married so i hear. he hasnt asked for my daughter to be involved or anything . I just feel so guilty her bio dad is such a jerk and i am wondering what i will tell her later on in life. I do NOT want her to be angry or feel like she wasn't good enough .i was in a similar situation as a child and this is my worst nightmare for my own child any advice?????

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Jeanine - posted on 07/29/2009

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thank you all ladies for your comments i really really appreciate it . You have no idea how much it means to me to know that iam NOT alone ..... i live in canada she has NO rights so basically it cost me a fortune in lawyers for them to tell her that . after she tried telling me she had all these rights .. oh my ....but my daughter loves her dad( my fiancee) she doesn't even know her bio dad he has another kid now and doesn't bother with my child unless he wants to look good to someone( he does pay child support i took him to court and we have a new thing here if he doesn't pay they freeze his bank accounts and he loses his liscence so he really doesn't have a choice where i live to not pay .. but he never goes out of his way like for birthday or Christmas gifts or just regular things like new clothes etc..... ...but both my kids are treated EXACTLY the same by my fiancee and even his parents and grandparents ( as his mom married a man when my fiancee was 3 years old and that man adopted him he doesnt know his bio dad either) so he knows how it feels because him and his sister were never treated differently ... just sometimes i feel guilty for the bad decisions i made regarding her bio dad .... but thank you all ladies for your kind words ....xo

Samira - posted on 07/29/2009

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i went thru a similar situation with my eldest adughter too. me and her dad broke up wen she was less then a year old, he chose the drink instead of his daughter, but only good things have come out of that situation my daughter is happy and healthy without him. im with my partner now of 3 years and we have had a baby boy. he treats both my children the same, and dont feel bad because of the things that HE DID. its not ur fault and its not ur daughters faul, its HIS for not takin resposibility, my daughter hasnt seen her dad since she was 1, and she isnt missing out on much because when i want bk to my hometown a few months ago i saw him walking down the street and he still lookd the same and was extremly drunk STILL, and regarding the dads mother if she is goin to court for visitation u have to let them know that she is filling ur daughters head up with crap, sayin ur man aint her dad, he's the only dad she knows and he's been a better dad then her real one, because that could mess with ur daughters head for real,

Tanya - posted on 07/29/2009

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I think you shouldn't be so hard on yourself you have done a great job as a mother, you found a man that was willing to take in your child as his own and that in its self is priceless... Many mom's don't even do that. When she get to the age when she wants to ask questions I would be honest (nice honest) but honest - I would say something like he (her bio father) was not very mature then and just couldn't handle being a dad.. She will see who was there she is still young and she will know who has loved her and cared for her all this time. If she is treated as an equal to her sister then there shouldn't be any room for feelings of not having a father in her life.... Because she does :) Good luck to your and family



Oh and I too would have stopped visits because of bad mouthing someone in her life, that is horrible there is just some evil people out there (I know my share of a few, i'm no stranger to that)

May - posted on 07/29/2009

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My friend was in a similar situation and I believe she had the man give away his parental rights. If your daughter has a dad who loves her (your fiance) then I wouldn't feel guilty because that will be enough for her when she gets older. I'd tell her the truth when you feel is the right time, and you'd be surprised how accepting and forgiving kids are. I don't know what state you live in but I would look into talking to the dad and having him sign over all rights, this way you never have to deal with him, his family or anything anymore...tell him that this way he doesn't have to pay child support (if he pays). If she's taking you to court, let the court know what your daughter says that the grandmother is saying while in her care. The bottom line is that you shouldn't feel guilty because you're doing right by your daughter now and she'll be grateful for that, regardless of her biological father.

Laura - posted on 07/29/2009

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Jeanine I know how u feel, I have 3 kids by 2 different dads, my eldest 2, their dad was violent and abusive and although he got granted indirect contact (writing letters etc) he hasn't bothered 4 over a yr, they call their stepdad (who is my youngests dad) daddy, which was their choice. he has also got another girl pregnant, then buggered off (we are now really good friends and the siblings all c each other reguarly) i have just told my kids that daddy karl was very silly and hes not allowed to c them until he goes bk 2 school 2 learn how 2 stop being silly (he has to do an anti violence course) i have also said that when they r older they can look 4 him, and i have opened a post office box for him to send letters to, but it is now shut as he doesn't use it and i can't afford to keep it open for nothing. Don't know if that helps, but when u feel guilty remember he left u, and she has the better dad now neway! good luck x

Kate CP - posted on 07/29/2009

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Grandparents do not have legal rights to a child. If he doesn't want to see your daughter his mommy doesn't have a say.

Jeanine - posted on 07/27/2009

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Does anyone ever feel guilty that one child had their father around and the other ones father doesnt want anything to do with her .( even tho my second daughters father is her dad in every way)later on will be issue i think .. the guilt is overwhelming !!!!!i feel like i failed as a mother for my oldest daughter !!

Amanda - posted on 07/26/2009

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yep know that feeling but as i say to those ignorant ppl dont judge me untill u have walked a mile in my shoes. They look at me a tad wiered but at the end of the day they dont know me and they dont know why i left the first father so sod them take care hun and i hope u can work it out soon x

Jeanine - posted on 07/26/2009

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well the thing is my oldest daughter is 5 right now ..so she is a little young but i will absolutely tell her the truth when i feel she is ready im just dreading the day ..... as for her paternal grandparents i have tried to keep their relationship going even though her sperm donor bio dad had nothing to do with her only when he was trying to make himself look good ... which wasnt that often .....i felt it was in my child best interest to stop vistation after my child came home crying after SEVERAL visits upset over the things her paternal grandmother said to her i just couldn't watch it no more this ....situation breaks my heart . as i have been there as a child my father never wanted me ...and i know the hurt and anger its caused me along with other problems a si grew up ... i just hope i can spare my own child from this ... thanks for the advice ladies ... i appreciate it ... i find when people that you have kids by 2 different fathers they tend to look down on you .. like your... excuse the language but a slut or slept around all the time cuz ur kids have different fathers ???

Jeanine - posted on 07/26/2009

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Thanks kristen ------wow i cant imagine what u are going through hang in their be strong .....if i was in your situation i would leave him in a heart beat your children dont need that . Dont let any man stop you from being a mom ... children would rather be from a broken home then live in one ... thats a quote i live by ...... do whats right for you and ur babies and youll be just fine .. goodluck :)

Amanda - posted on 07/26/2009

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my eldest son has a different dad to my youngest, My eldest's "father" and i use the term loosly (more like a sperm doner) did have contact with him untill he was 3 and he found out that he was special needs. His mother on the other hand wanted to see him reguarly and i allowed it untill she sharted to muck around by not turning up and not ringing for 6mo at a time. I have now restricted when she can see him and dont allow her to take him out anymore or have him sleep over anymore. Do i feel guilty - no at the end of the day she ruined it for herself and it's not fair to muck him about. She threatened to take me to court over access and in the u.k unless the bio pairent is dead grandpairents have no rights whats so ever. His bio Father is getting married and has another one on the way and they have just brought a house. I have never lied to my son and if he asked i have always told him the truth. He does not miss his "father" and to be honest he doesnt even remember him. He has his dad. My advise is just be honest with ur daughter and bring her up to know it was not ur choice but his and that her daddy loves her but her father is special.

Amanda - posted on 07/26/2009

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I have some what the same situation. Only there is no grandparent law in ohio and on top of that her paternal gma abused her so they have no rights to her. If I were you I wouldn't feel bad. My dad talked crap about my mom and my mom never said anything bad about him. Now both me and my brother won't talk to my dad. So just stay positive, as long as she knows the truth that she has a different dad, he's just dooing something else right now and this guy wants to be there for her I think she'll still want to call the one that's there dad. That's what my daughter does. I just tell her that her dad is working and since he doesn't call anymore it's easier. And everyone else calls the one that's here dad so she just does too. Hope my tidbit of story helps, I'm sorry for what you're going though. But at least it's cause she wants to see her now cause she abused her. Besides, like I said she'll probably like the person who talks crap the least in the end.

Jeanine - posted on 07/26/2009

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Thanks Jamie for your response:) . we've actually been to court once she tried to keep me from leaving my province with my husband who is in the military ,, she lost that . but the outcome was she had no rights i live in canada and in my province she is allowed to file as an interested party but she has NO rights .. Thank god .. basically all she got was she could call and ask if i said yes i said yes .. if i wanted to say no i could i had no legal obligation .. but now she is filing for a visitation order while i live outside the province which is not realistic since i dont know when i will be back in this area ???its just causing me so much stress and alot of money in lawyers.. and im so afraid my daughter will wonder why he took care of that other child and not her ?? im not sure what to say ????

Kristen - posted on 07/26/2009

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i know its hard for you i am still with my daughters dad well im in the process of looking for a place b/c he is not there for us and our daughter is 14 months old and he was only there and saw her all the time for the first few months now he takes of for days at a time to drink and be with his friends and party he has now been gone for a week today and has not called to ask about the baby or nothing and by the way we are having another baby who is due august 17th and he has had nothing to do with going to the drs with me or nothing he don't work so he don't help buy anything that we need and his mom only sees the baby for like 5-10 minutes every few days and it breaks my heart b/c she is used to seeing her daddy everyday and he is now gone and she also was used to seeing her mommom everyday b/c we lived with her daddys mom and she moved out and he was supposed to pay her rent but hasn't paid her anything since i can't work due to the other baby on the way but now his mom thinks she is going to be able to take her somewhere alone and i won't let her she hasn't tried yet but when she does i can't let her b/c she is an older women who it on alot of medice and she has alot of heart problems she has had 4 heart attacks and she get dissy alot and my daughter is a handful for me to keep up with let alone someone with a health condition and she also has a breathing problem she can use oxygen when she needs to so she would never beable to take care of her and as for her dad he has never took care of her alone and was never left alone with her at all b/c he would never stay with her he would take her to someone that would watch her so i never would leave him alone with her b/c he told me he didn't know how to take care of her so as for you i would go see what the court says b/c here i don't have to worry about his mom taking me to court b/c grandparents have no rights where i live and if he don't want anything to do with her i would see if you would sign the papers to give her up for adoption and see if your second daughters father would adopt her since he does treat her like she is his and no different then his own but thats just my opinion thats what i would do if her father only sees her like once a year then if he signs the paper then you don't have to worry about his family

Jamie - posted on 07/26/2009

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well, i've has a similar situation, and the child will eventually CHOOSE on who's her daddy. and i hate to tell you, but in certain situations, grandparents can get rights. my son's bio father is dead and i went through alot of crap, even though his bio grandmother only gets 3 hours a week visitation, no matter what she does, says you have to let her take him, or you'll be in trouble. it really sucks and i know that from experience, but my daughter was 3 when i got with my husband, and she chose to call him daddy, and just like you her bio father didn't have anything to do with her and he didn't care either, go married, never EVER paid child support, but even though he isn't dead, i just want to fore warn you that yes, she does have a right to see her and sometimes it is better to just suck it up and deal with a few hours here and there then go through a big storm, everything wil be ok, hang in there i know where you're comming from!

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