A mommy with Fears and worries. Asking for help and tips.

Michele - posted on 02/04/2011 ( 83 moms have responded )

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I cannot bring myself to allow anyone aside from people very close to me, to watch my son. I cant even think for a second If I wanted to go back to work, to bring my son to a daycare. I have an fear of Him getting hurt or abused by someone at a daycare, because Of the horrible things i had experienced as a child. every time something happened to me as a child such as sexual abuse or physical abuse, it was because of a baby sitter/ daycare. I have talked this over with my husband and he is in support of how I feel. But I just wish I could let go of this overwhelming fear of taking risks with a daycare. The fear has Amplified even worse as of late because my best friend a few months ago brought her 18 month old ( not walking yet ) and 3 year old, to her daycare, Only to find out at the end of the day That the 18 month old, Received a fractured leg, it came to light after doctors did an X Ray of the baby's leg that it was a force break/fracture. Like the way it was broke was only by blunt force, such as his leg was slammed very hard in something. I am trying to find ways to overcome, or lighten my fears so I may possibly get a part time job, or even go back to school. But the fear is there no matter what. I am thinking I may just stay home with him. I just Don' t want to take the risk. I know If I where to find out someone has hurt my son in anyway, I believe I would hurt them without a second thought. Are their any mommies out there who understand how I feel? and if so, Any tips that could Help me to deal with this ?

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Kristie - posted on 02/04/2011

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unfortunitly a lot of daycare facilities are guilty of child abuse that goes un-noticed. I would suggest going to the center and asking if you can do a sit in where you can see how they interact with children, ask what their discipline proucedures are, ask if employess undergo background checks, go online and research the facilty and ask around about them

Tah - posted on 02/04/2011

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i would firstly suggest you seek some counseling for what has happened to you so that it does not paralyze you or your son's life and you can learn to trust. My children have been in daycare and while it is sad what goes on in some, my children have never been abused or injured other than a scratch here or there from playing, no worse than they do at home, heck Rylan broke one arm at home falling down the steps and another falling off a slide, not at daycare.(he's a wild man..lol)..When you have been abused it's hard to overcome and to trust people and all you want to do is to protect your child..pick a daycare that you can go in and sit in on at anytime, visit often, find out what the credentials of the teachers are and what the teacher-student ratio is. Pay attention. anytime rylan gets a scratch or anything they call me, they fill out a paper and they always put it was treated with etc etc and TLC. his teachers love him and when he moves to diferent classes they cry and the classes are next door..lol. There are great daycares out there. when he was a baby he went to a christian in home daycare and she ran it like the others. I received a daily report she did crafts with them, she did picture flip books for mother's day for us moms with the baby's hand and foot prints in paint, and picture frames with poems and pics of the babies for dad.i mean if i had not moved he would definitely not have gone anywhere else. I say do some research and also seek some kind of help so that you can learn to trust again and move on with your life

Adrienne - posted on 02/05/2011

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I am a stay at home mom also and although I have never been abused I am still VERY protective...when my daughter was first born it was hard for me to even let my husband do anything with her to help or anything...I am still that way but not as bad since she is 7 months old now...but I still wont leave her with anyone but MY parents or my husband...and when I do leave her it's after she's in bed and it's only for a couple hours Max. She does great with other people and I have no problem with other family or friends holding her and playing with her as long as I'm there...so I know I'm not making her only want me but that's just how I am! I would like to go back to school eventually but I plan on waiting until she is in school that way she doesn't have to go to daycare...I can't stand the thought of leaving her with strangers for hours a day...you never know what happens there! I unfortunately don't have any tips....just empathy..I don't see anything wrong with feeling this way...I think it's much better to be over protective like this instead of just not caring like a lot of mothers now days....eventually I will have to hold back or get over the over protectiveness as I don't want to be overbearing..but as a baby she loves it and doesn't know and better! the only advice I can offer is to just wait until he is in school...or check into online classes..you could do those during his nap time and when he goes to bed :)

Chessiecornett - posted on 02/16/2011

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I actually went through the same thing with my son. I actually worked in several daycare's and that is where my fear came from because I got to see first hand all the behind scenes. To most daycare providers it is just a job and a paycheck. You will ocassionally find that special someone who truly loves children and has a passion for working with young children, but where are these people at and how do you know?? I have seen some very disturbing behavior from day care providers and it was very scary. I actually have called social services and the state on a few of them. That being said I would never put my son in there. I just rotated shifts with my husband so I could work part time but primarily I am a stay at home mom. The only time I will put my son in school is when it is time for him to go to pre-school and at that point he will be old enough to talk and communicate and tell me if something has happend or if the teacher is doing something bad. Another good thing is if you have to put your son in daycare some daycare's offer video cameras so while at work you can get on line and see your child and his classroom for the entire day!! It costs a little extra for that facility however you have access to look and watch your child whenever you would like or for the entire day. The preschool we are signing my son up for has video cameras in the classrooms and for that I am excited and grateful for.

Tyrae - posted on 02/04/2011

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If you want to find a part time job you could do night shifts and let hubby watch him. That seems like the only logical conclusion right now. I would also go to councelling to get help...

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Rebecca - posted on 03/20/2014

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I think if u get a gut feeling not to leave your little one then don't! My son is 3 1/2 months and I don't feel safe leaving him with anyone. The only people I completely trust is my sister in laws. It's awful because before u have a baby u think u could trust your own family but sometimes it doesn't work out like that and I. Your experience I can completely understand we're your coming from. If u can find someone u trust 100% it will also help u as u do need a break! And when he comes back u will have the energy to do things for him because how your feeling is running u down and so is looking after a baby constantly. Think about it this way, if u had no kids and someone wanted u to mind theirs u would be delighted and so your best to keep them safe well find someone that thinks like that and of u decide to leave him make notes of what he needs like I do!! Good luck xx

Nataliebaby_babygirl27 - posted on 03/20/2014

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My daughter is 2years old and I'm always worrying is she ok I could be in my room laying down at night and shes in hee room asleep I'll go get her and put her in my bed and put my husband on the couch. I feel like shes not safe unless shes right next to me :(

Angela - posted on 04/03/2011

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Erin T.,
I don't think you should blame yourself if your son is slower to mature than his sister. It's unlikely that it is caused by being too sheltered/spending too much time with mommy. Every child is different and boys tend to mature slower than girls anyway. I don't know why people think there is something important about being with kids "their own age". What are they going to learn from kids who are still learning the same things they are? True socialization requires interacting with people of all ages. Children learn more positive things from adults and older kids than from close peers, kids who are going through the same phases together can sometimes reinforce bad behavior in each other. My daughter is 2, and spends virtually all day every day with me. She sees other kids at church, family events, at the library, etc. The one time we have been apart for more than a few hours my mother stayed with her at our house, while my husband and I went to his out-of-town company Christmas party and stayed overnight. However, in spite of (or because of?) going everywhere with mommy, she is extremely confident, friendly and articulate, Chats with cashiers, greets strangers in the supermarket and tries to introduce herself. That's her personality, other kids are more cautious. A lot of it they're just born with. I've seen kids get MORE clingy when pushed to be too independent before they were ready, or become detached and apathetic about who they were with because they got passed around too much. The most important foundation for a childs emotional and social development is knowing they are loved and safe, and that means being with safe and loving people, and nobody is safer or more loving than you! Would your son have developed earlier social skills if he spent some time away from you? Maybe, maybe not. But earlier is not necessarily better; he'll get there when He's ready. You just keep being there for him! :)

Jennifer - posted on 04/03/2011

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Dear mothers! If you are feeling that you don't want to leave your children, DONT! Those feeling are right and good. You are the ones who are to take care of those babies. Why not be a SAHM?

Rachael - posted on 02/19/2011

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I understand your fear. I was abused as a child, but not by a daycare, rather by family. It is TOUGH, and took many years of therapy to work out my feelings. The truth is that there are bad people everywhere. If you do need to leave you child to go to work part time it may help put your mind at ease to fully investigate the provider you chose. If you are looking at daycares go on your states website to find inspection and complaint records. They should be able to provide you with any incident reports or accident reports. Also, if you decide to go with home care you can have a background check run on the provider and set up nanny cameras throughout the house. I would start out not allowing the in house sitter to take your little one out until you are comfortable. Honesty is ALWAYS the best policy, so I would recommend being open with the provider of choice with your fears and concerns so they can help set your mind at ease. Good luck!

Casey - posted on 02/19/2011

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I definately know how you feel. I am very protective over my kids too. My daughter has only had three people watch her... My mother in law and two of my best friends. I was also abused as a child and to add to my fears, my friend's little girl who I babysat for was killed by her boyfriend when my daughter was 11 days old. That definately made me think before leving my child with anyone (I didn't leave her with anyone except my husband until she was 10 months). I really think that it is just better to be safe than sorry. I have found that now my daughter is old enough to talk and would be able to tell me if anything happened, it's a little easier. I am now looking for a preschool for her. Good luck-just know that there is nothing wrong with being careful.

Michele - posted on 02/18/2011

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Thank you again everyone who has been a supportive mommy in helping me and sharing your feelings on this matter in regards to what I have been going through. The Bottom line is we all as mothers want to do whats best in all area's of our childrens lifes and sometimes we dont always make the right choices, god knows its not possible to be perfect. But its taking the time to really look at things we do and choices we make because long term it effects our children. I as Noah's Mommy want to provide just like most other mommies out there, The best life I can for my little angel bear. Thanks again very much everyone. I know your advice has been very helpful. thanks for taking a moment

Michele - posted on 02/18/2011

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Thank you Haley I appreciate just knowing as I said, that there are Other moms Out there that feel the same way I do. big hugs from one mommy to another :)

Haley - posted on 02/17/2011

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I am having the same problem with my son, he is almost 6 months old now. I think once he is old enough to be able to communicate to me if something is going on I will feel a little more comrfortable about leaving him with someone. I know that anything could happen even with me watching him. You dont need medication or a counselor. It just means you are a good mother and want the best for your child. I know it will get easier though, as a mother only you will know whats best for your child, if you are uncomfortable about daycare then maybe thats not the best thing for you. I live hours away from any close family and my husband works long hours, I miss working but I cant imagine leaving my son with anyone other than my mom, and that isnt an option right now... So I am doing school online in hopes that by the time I finish I will be comfortable enough to leave my son with a babysitter. Im sorry I dont have any good advice, but i definitely know how you feel.

Tiffany - posted on 02/16/2011

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my daughter is going to be 19 months old this month and i feel the same way u do i have a hard time leaving her with anybody i still havent gone back to work for the same reason

Michele - posted on 02/16/2011

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Response to Darla Brannan. My Son is 7 months old as of The 8th of February so He is still pretty young. I am going to be a stay at home mother until he is in school, And Use the time while he is home to take some online college classes. :)

Keri - posted on 02/16/2011

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Daycare centers are subject to many laws/rules/regulations about the treatment of children. I was a partially SAHM for a while (I worked at night and stayed with him during the day) but when I went back to daytime work, we put my son in daycare. He has friends, his cognitive and speech abilities went through the roof and there's a list of other great achievements he has to his name, likely BECAUSE of daycare. I know all of his teachers/administrators at the school and they are all wonderful and very, very good with all of the children. You have to realize that kids will get hurt, no matter the environment. The leg thing is pretty extreme, but I've come to pick my son up some days and found he's gotten a split lip, a bump on the head, a cut, a sliver and so forth. If you want a part time job or to go back to school, work in the evening or on the weekends - same with school. There are some very good corrospondence schools (my hubby recently graduated from University of Phoenix's online program) and he worked at that pretty much in the evening and weekends when he had free time. Like I said, MOST daycares are not the horrible place you've described here. If you're so worried, ask for a tour, sit in on a class or whatever to make sure you're comfortable. The daycare my son goes to WELCOMES parents to sit in WHENEVER THEY WANT! They send progress reports home daily (up until the child is potty trained, and then only if you request them). Just know that not all daycares are the same.

Candyce - posted on 02/16/2011

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I'M TOTALLY THERE!!!!! Sorry for shouting, but I'm glad to have finally found another who thought the same way, lmao. My boy was in daycare for a few months before he turned two, while I was working and in school, but before and since, he's never been with anyone but my own family and a very close family friend (once). I had to pull him out of daycare because he kept catching the other kids' colds, I was paranoid about someone hurting my baby and him not being able to tell me, and quite frankly, I just missed him. He'll be five soon, and still hasn't had a stranger babysitter. It's overwhelming at times, since it means Mommy rarely gets a break, but I genuinely like the goofball, so I'm homeschooling him as well. I just think children, especially the young ones, ought to be nurtured within the nest for as long as possible, with short flights now and then.

As far as the practical side goes... if you must hire some kind of childcare, do your research first. Talk to the other parents, and with the parents' consent, maybe talk to the older kids. Look for any complaints lodged against them, as well as any praise. Even if everything seems peachy, if you still have a knot in your gut, go with it! But there really is nothing wrong with just staying home with your child, if it works for your family. Good luck

Blessed Be

Darla - posted on 02/16/2011

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First I thik it's just natural to worry as a mother about sending your kids away. But it wouldn't hurt to talk to a doctor about your fear and see if it's just a common fear or if it's someething like anxiety. I'd like to know how old is your son? If he is younger than 3 I would say that is great that you have family that are willing to watch him. But if he is older than 3 I might try to put him in a daycare/preschool. I have a 14 month daughter who stays with grandma (my mominlaw) and a 3 1/2 year old who goes to daycare. I do know that things do happen at daycares but the good ones let you come in and check them out. Pop up at a local daycare your interested in and tell them you'd like to check out the daycare. Most allows you to do that just by popping up without a scheduel visit. That may help you some. If daycares is something you never could do then I'd just countinue to let him stay with family. Maybe you could sign him up for a playgroup. I hope that helps.

Kylie - posted on 02/16/2011

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i have arranged to go to work when my husband comes home. i only work 8-12 hrs a week. if you need to work this might help you. i hope you find peace.

Rica - posted on 02/15/2011

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I know how you feel and we all go through this. I'm also guessing that this is your first child. Well the first thing that I would tell you is to look at day-cares that offer a "trail" period. You would need to be able to visit the site at anytime, take a tour, and even ask questions. When using a daycare always ask other parents what they think of the site. Ask if there has been any accidents reported, and my all time favorite ask for background checks on all employees there. This is the best way to safe guard your child. This is going to be a team effort though so that would mean that your husband is also going to have to help you find and select the daycare your child goes to. Most day-cares where I live have a STAR system the more stars the better the daycare. Make sure that there is at least a full time nurse on staff with part-time nurses coming in to help from time to time. Also I would have to advise that you talk to someone about your childhood. I say this because you could end up sheltering your child and keep the child from experiencing all the fun things that life has to offer. Plus your fears could also rub off on your child making it that much harder for you. It is good to keep a watchful eye on our kids but we also must allow them to spread there wings to fly.

Jessica - posted on 02/15/2011

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I had the same fears! I was never put into daycare, my mommy stayed home and raised 8kiddos(home-schooled all till HS too:) So I hope and pray I'm able to do the same:) I am currently watching a friends kiddos and I don't know how she does it.. leaving her babies even with me:) Some mommies are built to work outside the home and others are not:) Just keep praying and reviewing your options... the"right thing" will come along soon! I promise:) (ps my mommy had to force me, crying all the way, on several dates in the first year of my kiddos life... now I'm kosher with a few teenagers and some of my friends who we "co-op baby sit with) it takes time and effort:) blessings!!

Katheryn - posted on 02/15/2011

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If you do have to go back to work and must take your baby to a daycare, try to find one with cameras. My baby's daycare has cameras and I can log in any time online (watchmegrow.com) and view what's going on in the room or play yard that my baby is in. It's been a such a relief for me as a new mom to be able to check up on my DD any time during the day while I am at work and know that she is doing okay.

Joey - posted on 02/14/2011

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I understand what you are talking about, but you need to let go. Take baby steps gradually take him to a sitter or day care. Take him in for an hour and pick him, gradually do half days to full days to half week to a full week. Check out local day cares, talk to the all the managers and workers and ask them real questions. Does your state or community have a day care referral program? Look into that? Sometimes a church runs a day care check into one of those they tend to have quality programs. He needs to make friends around his age and he needs to learn to socialize if he doesn’t he may have issues in school? What happens when he enters school? I know it is difficult but you need to trust the people who take care of your child. I worked at a day care for a while, yes some agencies are bad but other agencies are amazing. Talk to friends or family members and ask what they know about quality day cares centers in your neighborhood.

Kate - posted on 02/14/2011

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Have you thought about studying via correspondace?i dont know what it is like for where you are, but for me i cant afford to put my daughter in daycare, neither do i want to (shes only 4 months) so i have choosen to be a stay at home mum till she is 3 and able to go to pre-school, but at the same time i am doing my bachelor early childhood education through our citys university via correspondance, that way i can be at home with bubs. and still working towards my future at the same time

Jessica - posted on 02/14/2011

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michelle i give you props for everything you just said.I am so proud to know there are other moms as aware off me.Your an awesome mom.Alot of people and yes manly ones who havent been threw it think it will never happen to them or theres but it happens all trhe time and alot of the times people are so ashamed that they never tell anyone,That wont be my child and just take comfort it in the fact that your making sure its not your kid either and we will pray for all the others because thats all we can do.I will never fully trust anyone because as soon as you do thats when it will go on right under your nose.I hope People wake up soon and realize the world is getting bad.Watch the news or nancy grace once in awhile.It does happen and it can happen to you and just so moms know there is a sexoffender sight were you cango see all the registered sex offenders in your county were they live and what they did.And thats just the ones we know about there are at least twice as many that arent getting caught.your BABIES can get social enteraction with you there.Sorry if i seem angry but even though im over it know i know how bad it messes you up untill you can deal with it and its hard to do.

Rachel - posted on 02/14/2011

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I stay home with my son, he will be 3 this summer. It took me bout a yr and half to let him go anywhere without me or daddy! Even family homes! He has not stayed overnight anywhere. I had a good childhood and i dont trust people with my child (soon to be children). I dont think you have "issues". People are crazy, if you have family you can leave him with or you can stay with him till he is able to tell you stuff i see nothin wrong with that. We are our childrens protectors. I am sorry you did have things happen to you that is so sad. Some people dont have a choice and have to send their kids to daycare. Its terrible that these are things that need to be feared =( Follow your gut.

Michele - posted on 02/14/2011

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And to add to this.... My mother was a wonderful and is a wonderful mother and grandmother. But back when this happened to me, She was trying to go to college and work at the same time on top of being a single parent. So There where a total of 6 different people during those few years, who Sexually molested me and my brother. and my mother did NOt know about it Until I finally said something to her My mother Got The first Conviction ever In Greys harbor County Washington ever, For Sexual abuse or rape of a child. She pushed it until it went through. she told The Police if THEY didnt do anything about it, she would Kill the man. So anyway. There are a lot of nasty horrible horrrrrrrrrriable people out there among us whether you want to believe it or NOT. and you really need to start being aware IF you are NOT. children are Kidnapped everyday, Raped and abused and Beat and Hurt. EVERYDAY !!!!!!! Not just by strangers, But also by family and friends and so on. Even By people we think we can trust. So....be aware.

Michele - posted on 02/14/2011

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ok this is in response to a few of The people That keep saying I am being unhealthy to my son as far as smothering him and not socializing in their own words...... THIS is not true. lol I by far am NOT holding him back from Interaction with other children. You should really read all my responses before you go off making a judgment. I am not Unhealthy emotionally having this fear. It is very stupid of anyone who thinks everything is safe out there. for the most part most of the people who have responded understand completely where I am coming from. I will say This again... As far as I AM CONCERNED I have dealt on a professional level with my past... but That does NOT NATURALLY STOP my feelings on NOT trusting Strangers with My son. Yes There are some good places out their I am sure. I am not by far Bashing every single daycare out there. BUT for the most part, Regardless to background checks and so forth. There are still abusers sexually and physically people who hurt and pray on children. Especially the ones who cannot Communicate. I strongly suggest for you all who dont know this to start looking into it. Maybe you are not being too careful with your childrens safety. I have made The CHOICE to be a stay at home mom for many many reasons. Not just because I Do not and will NOT trust a DAYCARE I never said anything about Preschool, Or School In general. and if you where paying attention, I said my Son has a huge family on both sides of mine and my husbands family we have lots of children our son Interacts with, this not including our friends children. And yes. people who have been hurt as a child are more aware no matter what Of anything with their own children. because we know more so then others what Kind of sick freaks are out there. WOMEN AND MEN alike. or even other older children for that matter. So anyway. most of you have helped me in a lot just knowing you understand and feel the same way I do. If I had never came out about my past yes I would say I know I needed to seek Help. BUT thats not the case with me. I spent years trying to get over having a man hold a gun to my head and my brothers head while he rapped us also threatening to kill our mother. I was 5 years old, and my brother 6....Understand This is all taken care of.... The fear, Told by REAL professionals Will never go away, and Honestly I would rather me be more aware of what Kind of sick freaks are out there so I can better protect my child and be aware so I can notice if something is NOT ok or right. I never said Once I was going to Hold my son back from any kind of social interaction because of my fear.. So getting that cleared up. I spend everyday as my son is only 7 months old, Raising my son, taking him places and him interacting with other children and people.
again Thanks to all of you who truly understand what I am feeling and Thank you for your advice based on how you choose to deal with your fears regarding this. those are very helpful. and I am truly from the bottom of my heart, very sorry for those of you who did have to deal with the type of things I had to deal with as a child. they are things that really rip your life apart and its the hardest thing to overcome. and learn how to deal with. But I can say, once you do get to that point It does make it easier. Your awareness will always be strong because of what each of us have experienced Forgive me please if I sound rude, but I can not help but be irritated that some people Jump and make assumptions based on my past. I am going to make sure my son has a wonderful life and also experiences life's joys.

Kate - posted on 02/14/2011

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Thankfully here in New Zealand we dont have those kind of problems, if you do look at a day care, try talk to other parents that are there, and ask them if you can come sit in for a few days to see what they are like, you could get a pretty good idea from that, Im studying early childhood atm and i find it horrifying that things like that can happen. Sure my niece broke her arm at daycare, but that was from running up the slide. I would look very closely because it is important for your children to interact with others, and can only benifit from being with others

Angel - posted on 02/14/2011

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have ur hubby or close realitives watch him... ive been taking baby steps to having people other that close family members watch my lil girl.. have people who u trust that have kids of their own give it a shot. if your workplace has a daycare facility try that just peek in on him from time to time maybe schedule a play date with other moms and get to know them, possibly down the road they would watch him.... as far as ur personal experiences try to get a lil help to overcome ur fears and past... carrying around the stress and anxiety of the past is not good for you. ue wee one can sense ur tension and this could effect him.

Amanda - posted on 02/13/2011

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your fears and worries are completely natural. We all have worries about leaving our children, particularly when you only have one. Suggestions of counselling are good if you feel like going down that avenue and dealing with some baggage. As for leaving your child. Visit lots of different settings, you may find you get a good feel for one of them. If you do tell them you are worried about leaving your child,to start with stay with them. Then leave for an hour and see if you can build up to just one afternoon or morning. Eventually you will find it easier to do this x

Krysta - posted on 02/13/2011

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I feel the same way. What I do is find a friend or a friend of a friend and have them come to the house and take care of my son while I am still home but doing things trying to stay out of sight. Then after a while I would run to the store or do something small to leave them alone but not be gone more than a half hour to an hour. And just work your way up. Build the trust and it should help plus you know it will be in your home.

Paola - posted on 02/13/2011

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I totally understand. I have never been physically or sexually abused but I don't let anyone that I don't know watch my daughter. I HAD to go back to work but I was not going to put my daughter in a daycare. I was blessed when a friend of my from church said she will watch her. I trust her 100%. Personally, I don't trust daycare facilities, I just don't think they will give my child the attention she needs with so many other babies to worry about.

Try to work your schedule with someone that you trust. You are not crazy and I don't blame you for feeling this way. The world is getting worse and worse as the years go

Shanna - posted on 02/13/2011

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I am the same way. My son is 6 and I really don't like to leave him with very many people. Part of my problem is we had 2 kids and when they were 7 months old and 2 years old we left the kids with my parents and our 7 month old baby suffocated. Long story. Anyways if you cant even trust your own parents who can you trust? My husbands parents are the only people that watch our son. So I completely understand where you are coming from.

Chasity - posted on 02/13/2011

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I would help if I could but I have that fear myself the only person I trust is my sister . It really does not matter because I stay home but I understand that fear you are speaking of. I hope you do find the answers your looking for, goodluck!

Stephanie - posted on 02/12/2011

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i felt the same way because my son was having seizures and i didn't want to leave him. I had also only heard bad things about day cares. I started taking him to a play group. That way you are there with him, you get to meet other mums let him play but still be able to supervise. My son just turned 2 and only now that we really need the money, i am returning to the work force and he is going to day care. I am apprehensive but my partner, like you had not nice experiences growing up so would hurt anyone who hurt our son. Do it when you feel ready. Start with a mother's group or something where ou can be there too. Good luck

Isobel - posted on 02/11/2011

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Have you seen a psychologist regarding your own issues growing up? It's really difficult to allow a child to have a normal upbringing when you have suffered abuse. The fact is, if you keep them prisoner, and never allow them to learn to live away from your side, they will never thrive and grow as people.

I know it's hard.

Jessica - posted on 02/11/2011

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If you are really concerned about these feelings then you should talk to a counselor considering you have had past experiences. I'm sure it's a hard thing to deal with but you can't let it run your life. If daycare is the only option, meet with the facility supervisor and ask every question you can. Even try to talk with some peolpe who have their kids there. There are great daycares everywhere. You just always remember all of the negative things that the media posts quicker than the positive. Good luck!

Veronike - posted on 02/11/2011

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I strongly, as a professionnal, suggest you see a specialist about this. Your fears are normal but your past can put a huge cloud on the way you see daycare. you said it yourself. Im sure theyre private babysitters that you can interview and ask for references that you can verify. I,myself,have 2 wonderful boys and my youngest son is disabled. I would never leave the boys with someone who i hevent checked their backgrounds. Callme paranoid? no. Its completely normal to check on their backgrounds and call past employers. Its your right and obligation to keep your child safe. Please, consult a specialist on your fears. They can listen and help you overcome your past and help you with your present and future.

Celissa - posted on 02/11/2011

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I feel the same way. I am not fond of daycares, so much so that when we decided to try for our baby that I wouldn't unless I knew I would be able to stay home or that my mother or motherinlaw would be able to watch him. Like Liz said, I fear the incompatince of others. I don't want to risk it. I've not have the troubles that you've face throughout your life, so I can only imagine how much more deeply about it you feel than those of us who haven't been trough things like that.

Liz - posted on 02/10/2011

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I completely understand where you are coming from. While I haven't faced the horrors you've faced, I fear the incompitence of the daycares in the area. When my oldest nephew was about 4 years old he wandered right out of the day care and they didn't notice until a neighbor down the street found him and brought him back.

I don't leave my kids b/g twins that will be three in June, and almost seven month son with anyone unless it's family or a very close friend. Only people I trust, and know wont harm the kids. With the exception of the twins school.

Leslie - posted on 02/10/2011

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I am that way with my children. My son did not stay with ANYONE except family until he started pre-k this year, which made it a lot easier since he could talk to me and tell me if anything happened. My daughter has been in daycare twice, once for a week while we preparing for a move, but I had known the teacher of her class practically my entire life (it helps to live in a small town!) and another time when I had to attend a meeting after the move, and she will NEVER be back. I chose to take her to the same daycare that my son attends pre-k at since I had already had contact with all of the people and thought I could trust them because they do a great job with my son, but when I picked her up (thankfully she wasn't there all day) the teacher in her room could not tell me if she had taken a nap or even eaten that day! I think that your fears are normal for a mother, because it could be ANYONES child, but it will get easier as they get older.

Aimee - posted on 02/10/2011

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i felt the same but i found a private nursery and it had cctv in all the rooms and i felt my child would be safe and he was hope this helps good luck hope u over comethe fear

Tosha - posted on 02/10/2011

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Yes~ Everyone have very valid points. Just as a reminder people whom we trust can cause abuse as well. Its not just thise who we have no direct ties too. Unless your only going to have your parents or babys daddy watch the baby you pretty much need to be aware of anyone. also most licensed daycares require statewide background checks. I think most are going to level 2 checks which are nation wide. your fears are just and you are lucky to be able to stay at home. as a divorced mother of 2 i have no choice to go to work, when i would rather be doing those everyday things for my children. have a blessed day and if you want to talk you can go through my page =) FYI I was sexually molested by a family friend as a very young little girl. everyone never would have thought that he would have done this no one had any speculation. So I am not just replying on a whim.

Valerie - posted on 02/09/2011

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First off, I'm so sorry about the abuse that you suffered. No one should eve have to suffer any abuse and I find it so sad when that abuse comes from someonee
Who is supposed to be taking care of you. I understand what you are going through. I'm a counselor, I used to work with teenagers who were wards of the state and who had suffered severe trauma and abuse. I agree with most of the other posts about trying to get help with any issues regarding abuse. It is very hard to learn to trust other people after abuse.

Second, it is completely normal to have the feelings that you do about leaving your child with someone you don't know. I am a stay at home mom now and most of the reasons all deal with wanting to be with my son and not wanting to leave him with a stranger. All of my family are more than 13 hours away so we don't have anyone to rely on.

Some suggestions on things to do is to decide how much help you really need. If it's a lot, then try to work out the best situation for you. We opted for a one person to come to our home. My husband is a professor and we advertised for a student and screened several candidates before making a decision.

I was also a nanny in college and know that whole there are several bad daycare providers, there are also so many really great sitters as well.

Some books that helped me were the following and were super cheap on Amazon:
The Nanny Book: the smart parents guide to hiring, firing, and every sticky situation in between by Susan Carlton and Coco Myers
Making Childcare Choices: How to find, hire, and keep the best childcare for your kids by Gail Sagel and Lori Berke
The Nanny Kit by Kimberly Porrazzo

These books provided me with all the questions you should ask, job applications, background checks, pay, etc.

Bottom line, do what is best for you and what YOU are comfortable with. No one can provide the care you would give, but there are several who can come close without abusing your child. And if you hire someone in home, then you can arrange to be home for the first few times to get comfortable with the person.

Good luck!

Leah - posted on 02/09/2011

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i dont want to have my kids watched by a stranger either. another thing to think about with day care, here the day care workers kids get away with hurting the other kids. my bf/kids dad works 2 jobs so i can stay at home with them. my older son is in pre-school now. but when they both go to school full time then i will try to get a job. you could look into online schooling for yourself, that way you can do that and watch your kids and be ready for work when it comes time to get a job. or look into jobs you can do from home. i have paranioa problems too. having kids just made that even worse. but i wouldnt want to have other people raising my kids for me. i feel like no one can take care of them like i can and i understand my kids like no one else can. its good to stay at home with your kids eve if they drive you crazy :)

Janice - posted on 02/09/2011

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Im sorry beause this is slightly off topic, but many moms say they are more comfortable with home daycares than centers. I agree that you must be choosy, but incidents of poor care and abuse occur more often in small home care settings than daycares that are regulated, inspected regularly and often have monitors. There are terrible and great daycares of both types, but it is easier to abuse a child in a home setting than a center setting. Sorry I just had to get that out there. Either way I agree that, if you can do it, children under 2 should be home with their mommy or daddy. :)

Katherine - posted on 02/09/2011

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We always choose family, before anything else. wies choice. i happy you have found a solution to your situation. i hope it works out well for the both of you.

Christina - posted on 02/09/2011

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I haven't went through what you went through but I think some worries are completely normal. I'm always a little anxious the first time I leave my son w/ someone for the 1st time even if I know them just because they've never watched him before. Try just getting great references from people you do know & trust then try those people out. You can try starting out just letting them watch him for a couple hours one day then increase until their watching him the amount of time you need. It'll make it much easier on you that way I think.

Rhonda - posted on 02/08/2011

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now days this is a real fear for most mothers but for you i feel it is because you have not delt with some of your child hood trama it might be good for you to talk to a conselor so you dont put your missed trust on to your child. If you can stay home with your baby then do so but join group programs like mommy and me classes to get socialization that both of you need but if you have to work then do your home work check out the daycare talk to parents that are comeing and going out of the daycare they will be happy to tell you what they feel concerning the daycare there are some good daycare schools out there just take your time and be happy with your decision

Janessa - posted on 02/08/2011

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I worked at a daycare where the 2 year old's were sexually molested, and none of us knew about it for a while because they all seemed to like the caregiver. Generally they do the best they can to take all extra precautions, but at the very least, especially if you are gone a lot they miss the mommy time. My husband and I made the decision not to do this. I taught school while he went to school, but most of the time he was with our 2 little ones that were born during that time, and when he couldn't be, his Mom was. When he was done with school, I quit working and have been home ever since and have no plans on going back. I know for us this is the right thing, even if we don't have a lot of money. We have what we need. Being a Mommy is the best job in the world, and the most influential. But again, this is how I feel, and I just wanted you to know you weren't the only one out there, and that there is nothing wrong with those feelings. Do what works best for you guys.

Terra - posted on 02/08/2011

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I agree that all moms go through this... but your fear is greater than most because you have actually experienced it. I let the first babysitter watch carson when I went back to work and all I have to say is that I should have followed my instincts. Most households need both parents to work to make it but if you don't need the money stay home with your child. I would have to say that if my son got hurt at a daycare like your friends did their leg wouldn't be the only thing broken. The biggest advice that I can give if you do have to leave him with someone other than friends or family is this... follow your instincts believe me when I say that they will be screaming if something is wrong. Go stay for a couple of hours and talk before hand to make sure that is the right place for your child and make sure to bring him because if they don't try to hold him or coo at him or something that should trip a trigger right there. Also see how he reacts to them babies have a strong sense when something is not right about a person. See if they would agree to a background check, make sure that they are certified through the state. Here are the two most important tips of all... if there are other kids there that do not seem happy or healthy do not go there... and always always come home or stop in at different times. They will be off guard and not know when to expect you and that way you will catch it if something does happen.

Jessica - posted on 02/08/2011

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I am going to just tell you - I agree completely. We don't live in the same world we grew up in. You've experienced trauma, you've witnessed a recent horrific issue of your friend's child. I feel strongly that we need to remain in the home with our children while they are young - at least until they can TELL us that something is wrong. (I'm probably upsetting every feminist out there.) There are some wonderful telecommuting opportunities out there. For instance, 1-800-Flowers hires folks to take orders from their home using software to enter the orders, etc. A great job for a mom! If you're not pinched for cash, just let yourself off the hook and go with your instinct - your maternal instinct that says 'NO." I am a mother of three kids, ranging in age from twelve to 13 months. I've done the daycare thing, the in-home childcare thing and the stay at home with your kid thing. Whether you need professional help - may be. I don't know. Do you feel that you need it? That fear is there for a reason, I hate to tell you. It's there and I'm betting you love that kiddo so much, you'd rather be home with him anyhow. Good luck! PS... I've got the same thing.. .but about SIDS. My best friend (who had a baby at the same time as my youngest, lost hers in the night to SIDS. I can barely sleep... some of it is unfounded, but they're only this young for a couple years. We can rally!

Erin - posted on 02/07/2011

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I understand some of what you are feeling. There are benefits and negative effects to keeping your child with you exclusively most of the time.
Like you, I feel worried about leaving my children with other people, and I also feel like I should be the one taking care of them. Back in olden days, people didn't just drop their kids off at daycares, families looked after their own.
But, on the flip side, I have a three year old who has spent the majority of his life attached to my hip (not that I mind lol) and we are gearing up to get him ready for 4k in the fall. I don't have friends with kids the same age as him, so his socialization skills have been gathered with kids older than him. In retrospect, I wish that I would have opted to bring him to a daycare of some sort, even for just a few hours a week to get some time "on his own." We've been working with child development specialists and their biggest worries for him aren't where he is academically, but where he is socially. Going to 4k without his mom is going to be a big leap for him.
Your fears are justified, we all have them. But like some other ladies have been saying, there are places you can turn to for counseling, in order to help you gain some trust in the human race back. There really are people out there who honestly just want to care for other people's children and do it well. Research. Speak to other parents who use daycare services you're interested in. Nothing holds more truth than the people who are actually using a service.
I compare my two children....my oldest spent some brief time in daycare, plus a moderate amount of time with other people and children besides myself. She is well adjusted in school and life in general. Whereas my son hasn't had that same exposure, well these things are going to be a bit more difficult for him in the beginning. This is my error in judgement on his behalf, which I am working to correct, but I realize that holding him too close to me has been somewhat detrimental to his development. Love your kids, hold them close when they need you, help them build confidence, but not complete reliance upon you. Hope that helps!

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