A question for true parents, involving CPS?

Sandy - posted on 01/09/2013 ( 60 moms have responded )

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Hey everyone at Circle of Moms! My name is Sandy, I have a problem with my adopted foster child she's 9 years old. Now I know that foster kids come from a rough home and deserve a lot of love and attention. However my foster child, has a severe mental illness caused by her mother when she was preferment. Her mom would drink and do drugs and my foster kid cams out well you know affected by her moms activities.
If you love your kids I hope you would understand my situation and not throw out angry responses otherwise siding with CPS if you are one of those people stop reading I want advice from people who are true parents.

Here is the problem: Under Jesus who is watching me, this foster child has had problems at school stabbing other children with pencils, the other parents were going to file charges but the school persuade them of her illness. Last week she started to sexually, I repeat sexually touch my 2 year old baby, by touching his penis area and putting her head/mouth near penis area. She also grabbed my 8 month old niece and sat her in between her legs and pretends her sexually jump my niece, it was until I noticed her doing this she stopped. So as a concerned parent for my children as any other true parent would, I dropped her off a kids hospital who she's been attended for before for misbehaving. Now I don't want her around my kids, for what I just mentioned and CPS wants to punish me for protecting my children from a messed up future and there filing charges for child abandonment! Any advice.

Again I know most of all feel sorry for foster kids but these one is not right and I want her to go to a place where she can get help. Please no rude answers and before anyone responds with a rude answer, would you like anyone to molest your child like that and be ok with it?

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Michelle - posted on 01/11/2013

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***********Mod Warning************

Sandy if you don't stop getting edgy with everyone and maybe read what they are writing instead of assuming they are attacking you I will have to lock this thread.

People only started attacking you when you started attacking them. It does help to put as much information in the original post because as you can see without it people assume wrong things.

Michelle,
Mod.

Lacye - posted on 01/10/2013

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LOL Dove. :D I'm done. This is just getting stupid.

But before I do go, I never said I was perfect, never called you a "bad mother", and can guarantee that no person over the internet is going to get me butt hurt. Maybe a headache from the stupidity but that's about it.

Yall have a great night. :D

Lacye - posted on 01/10/2013

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Let me get this straight:

You took this child in knowing she had something wrong with her and wanted to help her. You fostered her for 4 years and then adopted her. She is therefore YOUR CHILD. Blood and water has nothing to do with it. By law, she's your child.

Now you noticed that she was behaving unusually. You know this because she has never done this before. You took her to this hospital to get her help. Now here's where I'm getting kinda fuzzy on things. Did you admit her into a psychiatric hospital for observations or did you just take her to the hospital and leave her. I'm still a little confused on that.

No, some of these women may not have been in this type of situation, but from the little information you have given them, they are doing their best to advise you like you asked. So in another words, loose the attitude and stop cussing at these women. You are painting a bad picture of yourself by not giving us important info up front. All we can do is assume and without the important stuff (like you adopting this child!), you aren't going to get very good advice.

As for this child, how old is she? Is she the age where she knows this behavior is unacceptable and if she is, does she have the mental capacity to know better? If either one is no, then you are judging this child very harshly. And to be honest, you can't just give her back to CPS because you signed legal documents saying you wanted this child as your own. You can't just give her back. I hope you realize this.

Mommy - posted on 01/15/2013

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I worked as in home therapist for foster care children and I can't believe they were just referred to as lost causes! Many of my clients were wonderful, talented, innocent children who experienced traumas you only see in horror movies. They most certainly were not lost causes! Of course there are times when children don't get better, and that's a fact, but you don't stop trying. And i'm not sure I would be able to be a foster mom because it is a commitment, and adopting a child means forever, so the reason people are upset are not because sandy chose to protect her children, it is the way she chose to do it, and telling us things like blood is thicker than water. I'm so glad not all adoptive parents feel that way.

Lacye - posted on 01/10/2013

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Get your panties out of your ass crack and read my post again. I was not attacking you nor giving attitude. I was trying to find out more about your situation so in order to help you like you have asked. Don't act like a dipshit and start attacking me simply because you can't seem to understand that.

Yes I do obey the laws. You want to know why, because I don't want to go to jail, which from the sounds of it is exactly where you are going. If you break the law, you deserve to have your ass thrown in jail.

No you did not make it clear you admitted her in there for observations. I read all of the posts on here very thoroughly before I posted a reply on here.

Also, my name is not Lady and sweetheart I am far from stupid. You are not hearing what you want, so you think it's ok to act like a dumb shit to the people who are actually trying to help. If you don't want the advice given to you, then I suggest you go somewhere else.

Lastly, I wouldn't be on here bitching about a person vandalizing my car. I would be going to the police. Not much that a bunch of people on the internet can do for me on that one.

As I said, I wasn't attacking you but if you really want me to go there, I can oblige. Lose the attitude, nobody was attacking until you started in with them. If you come on here acting that way, guess what you are going to be treated that way.

60 Comments

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Iris - posted on 05/24/2014

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Sandy please read my initial post.Cps will tell you that you will be charged with abandonment but a lawyer can get that dismissed. My partner and I are going through this right now. We already turned our son over to DCF. Trust me they will do everything to talk you into therapy and support. If you feel this is the option you want to take to protect your children and others then that is what you might want to think about. I'm sure you are like the rest of us in that you have had your child in therapy. But for a child to have sexualized behavior AND violent tendencies is a powder keg waiting to blow. Don't worry about other people and their judgements. What matters is the fact that you protect your children and others from your 9 year old daughter. This is the question that was brought to me: could I live with my son harming another child or victimizing another adult like he did when he was 12 years old? Absolutely NOT!!! Do what you feel is the right thing to do for you and your family.

Janessa - posted on 01/18/2013

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That is one reason why I don't think I could ever do foster care. I could never expose my little ones to things like that. I can't believe they are attacking you. You are not the best choice for that 9 year old, I agree the child probably needs love, but by someone who has no other kids, and can focus entirely on her. Do not feel bad, I really hope this turns out well for you. This is not fair at all, its not like you dumped her off in a dumpster, you took her to a hospital. I would cry if anything like that happened to my children.

Silvia - posted on 01/15/2013

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I am a mom and a social worker. I totally understand where are you are coming from!! It is my greatest fear as a mom and I do not know what I would do.

In this case, the child is no longer a "foster child." She is under your custody as an adoptive child and no longer a ward of the court. If she was still a "foster child", then yes, you could definitely ask for a replacement like others have mentioned. Now that she is legally adopted, then it is considered abandoment. I guess it is the same as if you would take your own biological children and leave them at the hospital because legally you are responsible.

I probably wouldnt have left her at the hospital but would have try to get as much help as possible and maybe try to find another home for her?

Shauna - posted on 01/15/2013

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I am appalled at the two of you, Jody and Cristina. You two are saying that just because she has problems you should suddenly turn your back on her and she is demon's spawn. You two should be ashamed of yourselves. Would you do this to your own child? Just because she was adopted doesn't mean she is any less of a member of the family than the rest of the children. Sandy agreed to take her in and then she turned her back on her. Is that what she should do to her biological children because they do things that are inappropriate? Would you turn your back on your own child? I would like to hope not, but I have a feeling both of you would.

Cristina - posted on 01/14/2013

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Ummm. Ok. If this was was your biological child, you would put him/her into foster care, right? So, why can't you do that with your adopted child? Bottom line: You fear for your children and she is technically not your child, no matter how much everyone blames you for thinking and feeling this way. You have done all YOU could for her, it;s time she seeks another home. Hate to tell you, but most children that were abandoned by their biological parents are pretty much a lost cause-except for miracles. They have NEVER learned the much needed language of love and attachment, things that make us HUMAN. I would turn her into the juvenile system if you really think she is a lost cause. You have done all you can. This is the ugly truth. Who in this forum would just LOVE to adopt this Demon's Spawn? Let me see a show of hands! Not me!

Jody - posted on 01/14/2013

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I commend u for your courage. You r a great mom otherwise you wouldn't of made this choice. Wit your choice u r protecting everyone in your family. Your older child needs help and u r doin the right thing. I hate when cps wants to punish the parents. As parents we have to make hard decisions that can't always b fair. U need to protect all the children and I feel the older child needs to away from smaller kids for her own protection. Good luck to u.

A - posted on 01/13/2013

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Some advice. Because you adopted her and CPS says this is abandonment (which in my opinion it is) you should get a lawyer if they are filing charges. Also, I feel you did the wrong thing. I understand your want to protect your kids but that should apply to all and clearly something happened to the one you adopted. This hospital may work or not work but I don't know as you did not post how it has helped in the past.

Also, just more advice you may want to lose the attitude and stop attacking these women, they are offering advice and asking questions to get some clarity on the situation and you may not like what they have to say but we aren't going to sugar coat things for you. Also, you may want to be more careful about what you put on a public forum especially of you have a potential court case coming up

Marie - posted on 01/13/2013

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I know that when you adopt a child they are to be treated just as your biological children. You are not to show favoritism or treat ether any differently. In the state of Florida you go to special classes before fostering or adopting that explain this. They also teach you signs to watch for and give you advice on where to get help. You should have taken her to see a psychiatrist to find out what the sudden change in behavior. If you don't think of her as your daughter you should not have fostered her. You should have also done research on what issues drug and alcohol babies can have later on in life.

Shauna - posted on 01/11/2013

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Sandy,
Like many others have said you clearly do not want help because if you did then you would actually read and process what they are saying and not attack them and cuss at them and not assume they are attacking you. It is absolutely ridiculous how you are treating all these other women on here when you posted and asked for advice. It is really hard to help you when you leave out important facts about the story for instance the fact that you dropped her off for observation.

Anyways, you saying that blood is thicker than water is absolutely ridiculous as well, because you adopted this little girl and made her part of your family and then you just leave her at a hospital because of some misbehavior and you supposedly want to get her help. If you really wanted to get her help then you would have kept her with you and monitored her and not just left her at a hospital because you didn't know how to or want to deal with her.

Like several others have stated I too find it really hard to believe that CPS would evaluate her and remove her from your home themselves and see what was going on. I can say from experience that if there is a problem with a foster child or any child with adopted or biological CPS will investigate to the fullest extent. I work in a daycare and have had to deal with children in foster care and who have been adopted and have problems how much caseworkers and CPS and DFS investigate and moderate and document and I would say that if you talked to CPS as much as you say you have then they would have investigated not only her but your own biological children as well because they are all involved.

I do not condone molestation because I was raped by someone that I went to church with that I never thought would do that and it has traumatized me since. I still have nightmares about it and I wake up crying and my fiance worries about me and wonders why I act the way I do sometimes. I do no even like to outside when its dark because I was raped at night. My fiance has to hold my hand and stand right next to me if we go out after dark because I am scared.

It is very possible that something has happened recently or is happening now that you are not aware of that you really need to try figure out what it is, I know that you say your trying to get her help but I think you could have went about it a different way and I can promise you that if I was in your situation I would not have dropped her off at some hospital even if she had been going there off and on for a while and I also would have kept hounding CPS until they did something about it because even with you adopting her the CPS is still partially responsible for her.

Good luck

Brooke - posted on 01/11/2013

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Sandy, you clearly didn't want "advice." You wanted people to feel sorry for YOU. As parents we are faced with hard decisions every day. Good luck in life and I hope you're children make it out inspite of you.

Sandy - posted on 01/10/2013

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@ Nikki
I'm sorry I apologize to you moderator look I'm just upset because I do care about her and want to get her help that's why I'm asking how I can get her help she needs. And no I didn't just abandon her it's CPS assuming I did. She's been in and out of that hospital for children, look again I'm sorry but when other members attack instead of saying" hey look sorry, your protected under these rights, get her help ect" but no they attack me and look I apologize to you Im just upset over this but people on here attack instead of offering constructive advice you know?

Nikki - posted on 01/10/2013

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Not attacking but if this child has been in your care in some way or another for 6 years and you are just now seeing this behavior I would say there has been molestation done to her during those years not saying it's your fault it happens and many don't tell many girls are threatened if they tell or convinced its ok. At 9 many children would not know the behavior toward the sibling is wrong if its been happening to them and convinced its ok. I sincerely hope this child gets the help she's needs whether in your care or otherwise.

Sandy - posted on 01/10/2013

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LOL at you baby, don't forget to get the dick out of your ass. LOL yea ok goodnite

Sandy - posted on 01/10/2013

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I'm not a troll I hate trolls I'm just asking for advice but I guess common sense don't rule these parts.

Sandy - posted on 01/10/2013

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Don't call me sweetheart baby, let me tell you something right now you listening? Good now get your head out of YOUR stinky ass because GOD made perfect! I didn't know God made perfect people you must be the exception! Now listen here I'm not a troll I'm asking a simple question. A simple question and people want to offend me and call me a bad person because I want to give her back and get her the help she needs. I'm sorry little miss perfect for not giving out my whole life story I don't have time. You think you're so smart even those who think they know it all come to find out there are someone smarter, don't put yourself above anyone else that's a rule from God. And missy if you think I feel threatened by you think again, you sound so butthurt over trying to jump on the bandwagon only to be put in there place. NOW of you know it all, what's your advice lawyer? No attacks but you can if you want everyone else does it
Now if you think I'm a bad mother I wish you would at least watch her and see if she didnt make you do the same it won't take long I promise for you to seek help. Won't take take baby

Lacye - posted on 01/10/2013

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You know what, I just looked at some comments that were written while I was typing and I'm starting to wonder if this is just a troll looking to piss people off on purpose. It's starting to look like that more and more.

Sandy - posted on 01/10/2013

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@ Stephanie like OMG! I've done all that like I said everyone knows about her situation it's just CPS being dicks, why they don't want to get her help I don't know. It's Texas and Texas has messed up laws. Yes I filed a police report again I'm not the bad one I'm trying to get her help all you people do is attack attack, so annoying.

Sandy - posted on 01/10/2013

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The world is in trouble and by reading you all comments, it just confirms it. You all attack like a hound of dogs, so sad.

Stephanie - posted on 01/10/2013

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Omg, I'm really trying not to be rude but you did not mention anything about seeking counseling, seeking help through community resources, talking on her pediatrician or having a discussion with the child about acceptable behavior?! Also if a child sexually asaults another child a police report must be generated... a sexual abuse should be reported. By just dropping a child off anywhere is major trauma to a childs mental health and definately in all senses of the word: abandonment. Now you said she is an adoption foster child. Adoption and foster care are two different things. If she is legally as if she is your biological child.

Sandy - posted on 01/10/2013

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@ Lacye please don't come up here giving attitude. First of all you obey the law? What good is the law when people buy guns and have no control over that? You think the law is on your side? Second, she was 3 years old when I started watching her, adopted her at 7, she is now 9. Like I told everyone else, even you can't give advice on something you don't know the 100% facts on.
I admitted her to the hospital for observations where she's been before, if you would read careful you would know that. And again just because I have some lady stranger come at me with aggressive attitude I'm the bad one? Lady you sound really stupid. For example: lets say your car gets vandized, you come here saying you need advice on what to do. Instead of advice we attack you without knowing the full facts wouldn't that irate you? What's so hard to understand I'm trying to get her help and you all do is attack. Yes I know the law, I've talked to lawyers who have give me advice today. Why attack someone who's TRYING to get her help? Like I said until you go through it you don't know so what gives you right to attack?

Amanda - posted on 01/10/2013

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I was a foster child and suffered many abuses, you have to do what is in your power to help her. If you can not do this then give her life over to someone who can, its a wasted life if you do not . She needs help and should get it thats love .

Sandy - posted on 01/10/2013

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So why are you still arguing instead of offering me advice to her proper help. You all make me sound like I'm cruel, no I want to get her help because I do care about her she's human. But it pisses me off that instead of offering me advice to get her help you attack without knowing 100% facts.

Sandy - posted on 01/10/2013

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Talk is cheap, until YOU are in an the actual situation then you would feel the need to do the same. Just because your arguing with me I'm suppose to feel stupid? No your wrong, I'm asking for advice because i WANT to get her help, I want to get her help and you talk shit. YOU cant to your opinion on something you DON'T know 100 percent the facts. When girls say they got raped, we can't say for sure they were or are just seeking money/charges on someone innocent.

Any real people with common sense would know I'm trying to get her HELP..

Arguing with people who don't know the siuarion is like picking sides in war you don't know who's right.

Again if you were in my situation you would know what's it's like but you don't so you just run your mouths

Sandy - posted on 01/10/2013

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If you were in my situation you would do the same.... BLOOD IS THICKER THAN WATER!

Michelle - posted on 01/10/2013

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If it's recent behaviour then you really need to help her as she may have been abused herself while she has been in your care. Like Dove said, you failed to mention in the original post that you had adopted her. If you did that to your bio children then you would be charged so what's the difference. You chose to give this little girl a safe home and then when things weren't "going to plan" you dump her.

I agree that you need to keep your bio children safe but but you also have an obligation to give your adopted daughter a safe and caring home. That means finding out why she is behaving the way she is and get her the help she needs. The poor girl doesn't have her bio parents around and now the adoptive parents are turning their back on her as well. I feel so sorry for her.

Sandy - posted on 01/10/2013

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Another example of strangers who don't know shit. FYI no dove she didn't do that before I adopted her, it's recent behavior. I don't if she was sexually harnessed not by family. So don't come talking smack if you don't know the situation k thanks

Elise - posted on 01/10/2013

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Yes, I am acting sorry for this child-- she has mental and behavioral health issues that need to be addressed. You're absolutely right--- acting out sexually is not OK! She needs help though, not shaming. And you're right that any child who is being sexually assaulted needs to be protected. But when you adopted her, she became your baby as well. That's what adoption IS-- taking on a child as your own. You should seriously reconsider adoption if you are going to consider to consider her as an outsider. In any case, I hope that your family gets help and that healing can begin for everyone.

Sandy - posted on 01/10/2013

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@Brooke, so if someone is sexually molesting your biological children that God thought you were called a real "mother" and for him to waste his time creating tjem in your wound, if your ok with someone molesting them you need your mommy title removed. That's fine wifi you ill hand her over on a silver platter won't be long before your crying for help.

You must have a problem reading, I said she's been seen there before at that children hospital...why am I wasting my time explaining. Im sorry someone who's ok with other children molesting there own is need of help, wow

Brooke - posted on 01/10/2013

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You adopted this child, meaning you ASKED for her to belong to YOU. Elise is not the reason America is how it is today, you are. You can't just stop caring for a child because it has problems. Yes, the safety and well-being of your biological children is important but you have to figure out what is right for all of your children. Should your adopted daughter be removed from your home? Absolutely. Should you be prosecuted for dumping her at a hospital instead of DEALING WITH THE PROBLEM? Absolutely. I'm sure you'll blast me back for posting this but you must be out of your mind if you think we aren't all "true parents."

Sandy - posted on 01/10/2013

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@Elise your the reason America is how it is today. When children need help you rather act sorry for them then see the issue someone is facing. If someone is sexually molesting my baby I'm gonna be a mother and protect him of her. Sorry your comment means nothing to me! We are all children of God but that doesn't mean I have to respect your response.

Edit: No mam I didn't just drop her off like you said she's been seen there before for her behavior. They know she has issues, I would appreciate if would at least know the situation then call me out for being a bad foster parent. K thanks

Elise - posted on 01/10/2013

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She was not "misbehaving"-- she has deep-rooted psychological issues that need to be addressed. What she did was not OK, but she doesn't know that. I can understand you are feeling scared for your children, but that was a kneejerk reaction to drop her off at a hospital. Can you imagine how scared and alone she felt with her MOM (yes, you are legally her mom) dropping her off alone at a hospital?

I am a mom of 2 biological children, and a foster child. What you did is unacceptable, and I can understand why they are filing charges. If she is placed back in your custody, I believe you have two options. You can choose to remain her adoptive parent, but everyone in your home needs family and individual counseling. Otherwise, you can choose disruption, which is where the adoption is legally absolved (kind of like a divorce), and she will go back into the foster care system.

Sandy - posted on 01/10/2013

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@ mommy


Thanks. I fostered her for 4 yrs before adoption in bexar county, in San Antonio Tx.....agency was shut down by the state 3 years ago

Mommy - posted on 01/10/2013

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What state do you live in? I know that when I worked as a therapist for children in foster homes, the foster parents were able to call the workers in emergency situations and ask for removal of the children. If it was not an emergency and things were just not working out they needed to give 30 days notice. I would speak to a supervisor at CPS, and also inform them that you plan on filing a report with the police based on the activity you noticed with the child. Is there more to the story than you were able to post initially? Because I find it odd they would not remove the child under those circumstances. And when she was brought to the hospital, was she admitted and you left her there? Or did you just drop her off?

Michelle - posted on 01/10/2013

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You should have kept insisting that CPS do something about removing her from your home. They don't usually ignore these circumstances.

You will need to get yourself a lawyer if they are pressing charges though and you probably won't be getting anymore foster children either.

Sandy - posted on 01/09/2013

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@Dove, everyone from her school to CPS knows about her problem. There just being too over passing on her situation and continue to let her get away with things. What's your advice?

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