a real crappy situation. just venting

Nicole - posted on 03/30/2010 ( 29 moms have responded )

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okay so heres the deal. Haley's father and i broke up. and we have to go to court for paternity establishment. just about 2 months ago he started to come around, pay me money and talked about us being a family and assured me for a change. well he told me for court he didn't want any attorneys and just him and i discuss the situations. i looked online and found out he had an attorney. he doesn't know i know this. i went and got one anyways. so for the past 2 weeks, he has been distant, not really coming around for haley and doesn't even answer my calls and returns them. i found out he got a girlfriend/screw buddy, whatever she is. so i drove to his friends house and asked his friend to contact him and tell him i want to speak with him. well he came over and i asked him why he's playing me and his daughter and asked about his new gf. he denied it. then he said i never wanted to get back with you and i didn't even love you. well i was really upset by that statement so i said i was cheating on him (even though i wasn't) because he did it to me in the past and even though we aren't together now, he's playing me. well he got mad and flicked a lit cigarette in my face causing a burn mark under my eye. then he had said haley probably isn't even my kid now, and i replied saying unfortunately she is and i swear to god i wish she weren't. and he said seriously?! and i said im dead serious. he then punched me in the face. so i punched him back, he shoved me until i was almost on the ground, and kicked my car 3 times and punched my window. he ranted some other things to me, and then yelled see you in court, got in his truck peeled out and ended up breaking his friends truck window because a rock flung up and busted it. i went to the cop station to report him. he got arrested. they called me back and said they wanted to talk. i go there and then i get arrested (i didn't need to stay in jail though) he told the police i attacked him so he flung a cigarette in my face, and thats all he admitted to but said i hit him first. we have a 72 hour restraining order on each other and have to go to court. when we are able to speak again, should i even bother and let him know how upset i am and how he hurt me. any one else in this situation?

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Shannon - posted on 03/30/2010

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Absolutely not! Keep your distance until you go to court for your daughter. Things could get worse, and if you try contacting him, or go to see him, the courts will assume you instigated everything. Since there is a police report, you could make it so he gets supervised visitation, or make him go to anger management before he gets your daughter. For a man to lay his hands on a woman, regardless if you hit him, he doesn't deserve your time, or an explanation! Worry about yourself and your daughter! That is the most important thing.

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Jennifer - posted on 04/02/2010

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my sons father was very abusive and after i left him he beat my ass and i reported him- you never let your gaurd down what so ever!!!! dont let him see what he does to you cause he will just keep doing it. you have to stay strong for you and your child. the last time he beat me up was in fnt of my son and that was it. after that i got a back bone and walked away and ive been strong for 8 yrs now. my son means more to me than him and if you let it keep going on it gets worse and worse every time and who knows where he is going to leave you in the end. walk away and stay strong.. good luck

Heather - posted on 04/02/2010

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Okay, first thing's first. He had NO right to do any of what he did. Long before I was a mother and a wife, I was in an abusive relationship. The best thing you can do for yourself (no matter how much you love the person) is walk away. This guy is not a man, he is a coward. To hit a woman (no matter what the situation) is unacceptable. He falsified a statement to the police which means that he could say any number of things in an attempt to make you look like a bad parent. Right now, you need to think of that little girl of yours. I know how hard it can be to walk away from the father of your child. I did it. He was not abusive, but I could see it coming. He had no sense of responsibility even though he thought he did and was essentially a dead beat. I have since moved on, been married for almost 2 years now and have my second child on the way. I own a home, a better car, etc. I know it can seem hard, but you need to keep as much distance as possible from him. He lies, he cheats, and he manipulates. Think about it this way. Is that what you want your little girl to grow up learning? I am certain she would learn a much better way of life with you even if you struggle as a single mom for a while. There are MEN out there who respect women. Even if the courts favor a father's rights, never take a chance and never show leniency with him. Every time he steps even the SLIGHTEST bit out of line, document it somehow. That way, over time you can build a case against him. If he can't be a good father, it will take some time, but it can be proven. Eventually, you will find a way to have a happy ending. It may be a little boring sometimes and a lot of reality, but you and Haley will be able to have a happy life. You just have to leave the baggage behind and stand up for yourself and your daughter. It will work out. Just keep your distance from him and anyone involved with him until all is said and done and the court has documented everything and it can't be appealed. Remember that there is always a chance for either side to appeal a decision that's made. Hang in there. I have had enough losers in my young life for about 3 lifetimes. I finally found a good guy that treats my daughter like she is his own.

Betty - posted on 04/02/2010

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I'm sorry you're going through this situation - it really is crappy. That said... you need to do the best you can to keep your calm. Regardless of fault you intentionally provoked him to start the fight (never mind the fact that he's a jerk and probably deserved it). You can't change anyone - only your actions. So, I would recommend being the best mom you can be to Haley and keep your distance. keep your head high, respect yourself, and don't provoke him. He sounds immature and reactive, so I would be on my best behavior so I can win in court. It also sounds like you loved him and am trying to reconcile. Honey, I'd walk away. There are better guys out there and you don't deserve to be punched period. But, don't be the one to cause it. Play the situation girlfriend... be a great parent..show Haley love and don't let her see the drama that's going on right now. Let her see her dad...but not if he's abusive and doesn't want to see her. She needs love and only people who love her should be around. If he doesn't want to see her than too bad for him. Keep your daughter in this "perfect bubble of love" - period. Good luck!

Lisa - posted on 04/01/2010

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Nicole, Just stay strong, and keep up all the hard work! You are a great Momma, and you are doing the best thing to just leave him alone. I pray that your little girl never has to witness the monster in him. And you should forewarn his new "victim" so that she knows what she is fully getting into. But that is it. Keep him away from you guys at all cost, and keep smiling big smiles for your little girl. :) You will have your Happily Ever After someday, and Prays the Lord because it does not include him! :)

Nicole - posted on 04/01/2010

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thanks ladies. i talked to one of his ex girlfriends and it was the same thing with her. though she never had a baby with him. it was really encouraging to talk to her and face what she went through and it was easy to compare, because, well she knows what he's like. im so done with him. i don't want him to contact him. were only gonna do emails (thats what my attorney says) so if he's being a prick, i can print it off and show it off. he's not worth anything to me. i have things going for me and i don't even have to be jealous of his new "item" she has nothing going for her. i even told her about him asking me out last week, cuz she emailed me saying she was willing to COME get haley from ME. i said hell no you will never do that. and she was saying she wanted whats best for haley, and i said you don't know me or know haley. he is full of shit, he says he loves his kid and misses her so he doesn't look like a douche. so i told her about him asking me out and getting with me. she didn't like that too much and left me alone. knowing her she asked him, knowing him, he denied it. she can be his next victim and he can get her knocked up and bail on her.

Tiffany - posted on 04/01/2010

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Get things straightened out in court and drop him. If he is going to be that violent and deny your little girl then it sounds like you are better off with out him honey. There are plenty of other fish in the sea and you will find one that is WAY better for you. Keep your distance and your head up.

Amy - posted on 04/01/2010

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Nicole I live in Wisconsin to so I know whta you mean about fathers rights.I dont know what county you live in but some are better then others. But please stay way from him until court. Write down if he calls you, or comes over anything like that it will help you in court. He might have been doing that to you so in court he can get what he wants watch out. And please keep me posted.

Karie - posted on 04/01/2010

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Im kinda in the same situation me and the biological father of my son is all pissed off at me bc he wants to get his gf that he has now pregnant mind you at this moment Im still pregnant he doesnt help with anything Im almost 8 months along and I have to walk about 1 and 1/2 to go to the store myself bc I cant retain my liscense until after my 21st birthday so I have to walk and he wont do anything for me or his son so Im giving my son Adrian btw my fiances last name so now hes pissed I took him to court once already and had had a paper him and I wrote up when I was 1 month along saying he would give up his paternity if he is in a low spot in his life so the judge told him he had to sign everything over to me and my fiance bc he is into weed and drinking and all that bull crap and me and mine are none smokers that dont drink execpt for on occasion (when i have a stable sitter on a holiday) and he honestly thought he was gonna get custody at the birth of Adrian. Well now that this has all happened he is paying me about 20 to 40 $ a week for getting baby things he goes to the store for me if I need something and my comment to him last week was that I didnt care that he was with someone else bc I am too but he has to learn to be able to take care of a child and his woman at once and if he cant that I dont see how hes gonna be able to be a father to his gfs child that she is 2 months pregnant with. Honestly take him on and get minor vivsting rights bc he is still her dad and get the child support you need from him for her and just go away just you and her make him want to be with her and then things will flip Im almost sure (bc I dont know you :P) and hell start to pay up to get you closer to him which will help with your baby girls needs with the money he sends you. So honestly go for it and sue him even do a lie detecting test if able to proove to the court that it was all him first! But Good Luck and I hope you know what you want to do!

Lena - posted on 03/31/2010

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when i said "dont have any contact with him concerning ur daughter" i meant EVEN concerning her, it came out like its ok to talk to him about other stuff but thats not what i meant.. i hope things get better for u

Lena - posted on 03/31/2010

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dont speak to him AT ALL and if i were u even after court, i wld only speak to a mediator, dont have any contact with him even concerning ur daughter.. maybe ur mom/his mom or someone from the court can step in and be the in-between person but i wld absolutely not have any contact with him.. if hes gonna hit u like that for something so unprovoked i can only imagine what he will do to u in the future.. its not safe for u or ur baby

[deleted account]

Yes, this is a terrible situation to be in. Unfortunately, there is nothing you can do to change him or anyone other than yourself. Your daughter needs a stable home to grow up in, so get as much help as you can, get therapy and learn how to set firm boundaries without going over the top. If you can sort through the grief of this and become totally stable and wise, making good decisions in the future - THIS will be the best possible way for your daughter to grow up, only surrounded by loving, emotionally healthy people.

Dani - posted on 03/31/2010

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Do you even have to ask this question ???? He is obviously unstable, stay away from him and file assult charges i would assume being punched by a man you would have some bruises scratches ect: you should take pictures and document everything, i would also assume that you would want to minimize the amount of time that your child is spending with a violent person???? Get a good lawer and nail this bastards ass to the wall LOL

Lisa - posted on 03/31/2010

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Hi Nicole, You need to keep your distance from him, and try to keep him away from your daughter, he is not a good role model for her be hanging around with. Do you want your child to grow up with someone that could potentially hurt her? NO!

Only see him in court. End all ties that you can with him, and try to keep from bad mouthing each other for your childs benefit. My mother always kept me away from my biological father, because he was the same kind of guy that ran around on my mother and beat her. I never ever regreted the decision that she made. Then 17 years later, and attourney called my mother hoping she would testify for a 16 year old girl that had stabbed him in the heart because he beating her mother. He never changed, and sadly there were dozens of women in the past that were all of his victims. You need to stay away from him and keep your daughter away from him!!!
If he tells you that she is not his child, then you need to tell him. Fine then, she is no longer your daughter. Tell him you don't want his child support, because you will find your own way, just like millions of other women. And you need to get him to sign over all parent rights. Keep him away from you guys. Be safe, and be smart. We don't need anymore Laci Peterson's!!! I would rather be safe than sorry!!!

Angela - posted on 03/31/2010

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Do not talk to him he is a low life scumbag you CANNOT put your daughter in that kind of danger just get urself a lawyer use him to talk and thats it!! What if DHR was to get involoved it will not look good.. I am divorced myself and let me tell you something you better ask him for child support and if you didn't work and he did ask for alimony, and if he has a girlfriend you use adultery in the act and you be sure you got witnesses who know he has a gf and you better start subpoenas on all your family or his family and friends who know he has a ho..... Please DO NOT MAKE A BAD MISTAKE AND EVERYTIME HE CALLS YOU RECORD HIS AZZ SO THE JUDGE CAN HEAR WHAT HE HAS TO SAY...... Trust me my father is a lawyer and I know the laws girl!!!! DO NOT CALL HIM SCREW HIM YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL JUST LOVE YOUR DAUGHTER YOUR NOT THE FIRST WOMAN IN THE WORLD WHO HAS HAD TO DEAL WITH FRICKING STUPID MEN..... LOVE YA GIRL!! GOD BLESS!! :)

Kirsten - posted on 03/31/2010

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I agree with everyone stay away from him and see what you can do to keep your duaghter away from him too. Kids can be stressful and if he deals with stress with violence, she is in danger. Its crazy how states are different. Here in Illinios, you would not have gone to jail too, nor would he have any right to see her, unless he really fought for it. All a woman has to do is SAY a man hit her and he will go to jail with no proof at all. I hope that you have a good laywer that can help you sort all this out. Your daughter should be your number one concern, and even though he is father she is better off not around him.

Abbie - posted on 03/31/2010

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i would stay as far away as possible it is very unusual for a lepord to change his spots and the last thing that you should do is risk him having any excuse to make up any lies about you wait till it goes to court then make sure that you tell them absol everything by the sounds of it he would not even worry if you did tell him how much he hurt you put on a brave face dont let him know how much he hurt you blokes like that would prob get off on that hope all goes well x

Tahlitha - posted on 03/31/2010

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stay away from him !!! he isn't safe for you or your baby ... i would get a restraining order on him and if you do want to talk to him only do it with a lawyer present ...so sorry to hear what he has done to you ...

Josslyn - posted on 03/31/2010

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Stay away from him, I would have laid an assault charge against him too, he sounds far too unstable to be anywhere near your daughter, use this situation to fight to permanent custody and if they don't bite then request for monitored visits.

Time to get this man out of your life and try move on.

Sheldon - posted on 03/30/2010

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gey yours and you babys life sorted get a lawyer do what you need to get on with your lifes but leve him in the past were he belongs I spent 12 years in a volent relationship ang got 4 wonderfull children but they came with meny years of pain,hurt,pain and bruses dont put yourself through it

Elysia - posted on 03/30/2010

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I wouldnt even bother to be honest he has shown you his true colours. I would keep things only to the court hearing and thats that. Are you concerned about the safety of your daughte if he has unsupervised visits, If u are i would see if you could get supervised visits even if only for awhile.

Lyndsy - posted on 03/30/2010

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I am very sorry your ex did all of that. Men can be some of the biggest assholes. My ex and I have been fighting over custody for almost 2 years now. He doesn't want to pay childsupport because he thinks its for me and that he has to pay to see his daughter. He then decided he didn't want to have any thing to do with her as long as I didn't go after him for support. He can't make up his mind what he wants. He just recently came back saying he wants to be a part of her life and will pay whatever to see her. I told him he has said this many times and until he proves he is serious he may not see or speak to her. When him and I split he never hit me, but has shoved me into walls and acted like he was going to. I had to think of what was best for her and I so we moved to a new city and now we are doing so much better. I recommend staying away from him and only go through the lawyers. Hope all works out for you and your daughter.

Rachel - posted on 03/30/2010

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I agree with the first two posts... this kind of guy doesn't deserve anything from you. Explaining that he hurt you would be fuel for him.... don't let him know that you care. The only way to put him in his place is to show him how strong you can be (even though you don't feel strong). Take on the feelingsthat you are better off without him, which is obvious, and that you couldn't care less about him and what he does with the rest of his life. It's so horrible to find people like that. Some people are just so horrible. I am so sorry you have to go through such a cruddy thing. Focus on what you want your kids to learn. Be strong for them. Show them that people like that shouldn't get the best of you. I had a bad relationship many many years ago and I still have fears and insecurities from it... but eventually the pain will go away, your strength will return... act strong and eventually you will be. Best of luck to you and your kid :-) Smile!

Dianna - posted on 03/30/2010

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I agree with Anna- my aunt went through a very similar situation with her ex husband and their three children. Log EVERYTHING! It really helps in the court case to have documentation of anything he may have done or said to you.

Anna - posted on 03/30/2010

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I'd suggest keeping a log of all the times he has ever broken promises, been violent, or not lived up to his word. At the very least, that will be ammo you can use in court to prove his disinterest in doing what he needs to do to be a good father.

Nicole - posted on 03/30/2010

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thanks, it just hurts alot to lead me on and give me false hope. unfortunately wisconsin favors fathers rights, so it don't matter if he doesn't take care of her and ditches her off on people when he has her. its his loss they say. they will grant she goes there for a week and with me for a week. its just all tough and hard to take on at once, and im so emotionally drained.

Amber - posted on 03/30/2010

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I'm sorry you and your daughter are in this terrible situation! Usually once there is voilence in a relationship there will always be to some extent. I would recommend that u and your daughter stay away from him until court is done. Let the court system say their piece and let it take effect and go from there. There is no reason to show him how upset and hurt you are. He obviously doesn't care, and it wouldn't make a difference if you did tell him how/what he did. I'm sorry you're in the situation and I wish you luck! Keep me posted please!

Trista - posted on 03/30/2010

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Hi Nicole, unfortunately I am kinda in the same boat. My son was born in August and my husband filed for divorce three weeks later. We had to go to court in December for a Parenting Plan hearing. My husband denied that our son was his but the judge gave him visitation anyway. Just recently we agreed on most everything for the divorce including visitation of our son. However, he took back his word and decided that he wanted our son for two weeks at a time. We are going back to court this week. Although I have never been abused, I sympathize with you when the low lifes try to get back together and promise the world but it's funny nothing more ever comes of it. I am sorry that you had to go through that but in my experience you just need to live, learn and move on. You seem like a much better person and you or your daughter don't need that drama or lies in your life. I hope I have helped a little. Feel free to contact me if you need to talk!

Lori - posted on 03/30/2010

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I agree with Shannon. Don't see him at all without supervision.He could make all kinds of claims about what happens, and as long as there are no witnesses you can't prove that it didn't happen. Nothing like that should ever happen! You deserve better, sweetie. No man should ever lay a hand on you.

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