A Sensitive Topic I Need Help With

Shannon - posted on 09/24/2009 ( 17 moms have responded )

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I'll try to keep this as short as possible.

i have 3 kids by two different men. my two girls' father, me and him were together for about 4 years and he ended up cheating on me with a "good friend" and now they have a kid together. when i found out he cheated, i went crazy. it took me a long time to accept that he didnt want me anymore, and really i still aint completely over it. he's 28 and his new girlfriend is 23.

i found another man, i was with him alittle over 2 years and we ended up having a son together. things went sour between us and now we are no longer together. now he is dating an 18 year old girl who is fresh out of highschool.and he's 24.

here's the issue:

i am extremely jealous of these girls for having what i used to that it isnt funny. i've talked to people time and time again, i've talked to doctors and they pretty much tell me i should just get over it. i dont even want my kids around these girls because i feel like i'm being pushed out of the equation and i'm terrified that my kids will like these other girls better then me. my girls are 5 and 4 and they keep asking why me and daddy dont love each other anymore. my son is 2 and he has no clue whats goin on.

how can i tear myself away from these hurt feelings that i feel all the time? i'm currently single, and every "relationship" i have attempted after my sons father, just fails. i dont know what to do anymore, and i feel like i'm some kind of psycho.

17 Comments

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Lyndsay - posted on 10/09/2009

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Well from what I've read, I get the impression that you feel like you need to be in a relationship to have a positive identity. First your daughters' father, who left you for a younger girl. Then your son's father, who did the same. And you're left thinking, "What the fuck?"

My suggestion to you is pretty much what your doctors are saying: just get over it. You are never going to be happy in a relationship if you are depending on the relationship to make you happy. You have to be happy for yourself, and love yourself, and that will be reciprocated. As for your children... they will love you unconditionally no matter what.

Tonya - posted on 10/09/2009

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Quoting Shannon:

sometimes i think i may be over reacting to things, like today for example, my sons father dropped my son off to me, and had his 18 yr old girlfriend in the car, and the girls hair was a light light brown and today she was sittin in the front seat of the car that I BOUGHT him shootin dirty looks with freshly died black hair like mine. its shit like that, that drives me completely insane!


Don't let her get to you she does it on purpose... Just think she is stuck with him now and once a cheater usaully stays a cheater. she will get hers eventually or maybe since she is only 18 she will grow out of him and leave him. Just know that you are better off with out him. Karma has a way around so take a deeeeeeep breath and try and not let that shit get to you

Tonya - posted on 10/09/2009

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take time for just you and the kids try not to get into any relationships you can go out on dates and so forth but nothing that is going to lead some where until you feel completely better it will take time. As for your kids asking about why you two aren't together anymore just explain to them that you and their dad just couldn't get along any more no matter how hard you try. Don't put the blame anywhere because then they will resent both of you. Tell them how much you both t=love them, no matter how you feel about each other. As for them being around their dad's girlfriend you are mom and no one can ever replace that. And unfortunely there isn't much you can do besides suck it up unless she is doing something to harm you kids. If she starts doing alot of fun stuff that you just can't do you tell them that because they don't get to see them all the time they want to do nice things for them. I hope this helps..

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your kids will always love you no matter what, obviously these "men" aren't worth a damn.. focus on being a mother to your children including the guys monetary support which you deserve, also focus on yourself, becoming the woman you are.. take time for yourself before being with someone..

Helen - posted on 10/06/2009

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Shannon it takes time, i split from my ex 4 years ago, I have been in a relationship for 2 years now and we have a lovely 6 month old but i still feel jelous - he has custody of our nine year old and his girlfriend spends more time with our son than either he or I and it's driving me crazy. you are doing the right thing by talking about it good luck

Shannon - posted on 10/05/2009

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sometimes i think i may be over reacting to things, like today for example, my sons father dropped my son off to me, and had his 18 yr old girlfriend in the car, and the girls hair was a light light brown and today she was sittin in the front seat of the car that I BOUGHT him shootin dirty looks with freshly died black hair like mine. its shit like that, that drives me completely insane!

Chelsea - posted on 10/05/2009

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well your not psycho, you're human! and you need to keep in mind that those kids will always love you unconditionally YOU are their mom, no one else and no other girl can take that from you! it will take time but i think you just need to focus on whats important and that would be your kids and you. I also believe that now would probably be a good time to take time and figure yourself out and become happier with yourself and just be patient the right guy is out there and you will find him but maybe now is not the time.

Heather - posted on 10/05/2009

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Ur not psycho, I went through the same exact thing. Its very hard especially when kids are involved. You can choose not to let your kids be around the other girls, I did. I had the same emotions as you the truth is it takes a very long time to get over these feelings but it will get easier with each new day. Just have faith in God and know that your kids love you and that they know you are their mom. Hope this advice helped, I know what your going through so Im here if you need to talk.

Shannon - posted on 10/05/2009

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thanks alot, reading all of these brought tears to my eyes, thanks for makin me cry bitches!! lol. i'm workin on things and i've been doing pretty good so far. i hope i can keep it up.

Jenny - posted on 09/28/2009

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it's hard to get past someone you love (or once loved) being with someone else. i don't believe you are psycho, but i don't believe it's something you just "get over" either. the key is to be "good enough" in your own eyes, not to worry about how you're seen by these men who seem to be pretty immature. it takes time to heal. the important thing is not to pass along the insecurities and jealousy to the children. they may be little, but kids pick up on things SO much better than adults. i agree with the others, you have something those other girlfriends don't have -- you have three wonderful children, children you obviously love and value.

when your kids ask why you don't love each other any more, try to make sure you're not pinning things on daddy. yes, he's the one who left, but to make them hate or feel bitter towards their dad isn't going to help any.

maybe take a break from men for a while. you say that all the relationships you've tried have failed since the last one. focus on you and your children, on being the best mother and person you can be. i think once you accept your situation and make the best of it, showing your children, your daughters especially, that it doesn't take a man to make everything alright, i think you'll end up doing quite well.

i wish you all the best. it's a very painful situation, but i believe that with time and effort, maybe some counseling if you're able, you'll be just fine. healing can and will come eventually.

Amy - posted on 09/27/2009

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No matter what your kids will love you more than any other girl that those men bring around! Stop looking for love, let it find you! I know that is easier said than done, trust me i know. It will take time to get over the feeling of hurt and rejection, but it will happen. Just be the best mommy you can be to your kids, the rest will fall into place in its due time. If you are religious at all try to turn to God, he is always there to listen!!

Coco - posted on 09/25/2009

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girl,youhave more than those little hoochies!! YOU have 3 beautiful little kds!!and they hav your sloppy seconds!! your kids will aways love you.but you have to give yourself more credit.

Ashley - posted on 09/25/2009

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Hey Shannon,



Well im not a dating expert and i dont know what your feeling. I understand though from what youve written! I think that you should go with it at your own pace. You will get over it and even though it may feel like you wont it will happen in your own timing! Also with not wanting your children around their fathers partners is completely understandable! You probably havent taken the time out to get to know them and therefor have every right to keep your children away from what would easily be considered as STRANGERS! Maybe your relationships with other men are not working out because your looking for something to fill that emptiness inside of you. Take it slow and remember you are worth more then what you may feel right now. The right one for you will come but give it time. Work on getting over your past with your childrens fathers and especially your kids! The relationships with other people will follow after youve worked on your feelings of jelousy, hurt and what not! Take it easy and i hope i was able to help!

Elizabeth - posted on 09/25/2009

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your not a psycho, just emotional, you need to calm the hell down and just about yourself and your kids, get a new hair cut a complete make over, not saying anything about your apperience, it'll just make you feel beter, and then get some hobbies, just keep busy and the kids busy so you'll forget

Freyja - posted on 09/25/2009

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Try to remember that your children are simply little people that you have been given to care for. Please try not to pass your jealousy on to them. I had a similar experience with my ex partner and it's still a struggle every day to keep a 'friendly' relationship between us. I know how hard it is to struggle against feelings of jealousy and resentment, but please, please remember it's not your fault. Your children will always love you best, you're their mum.

Perhaps you need to try thinking about something else. I don't know if you work, but I felt so much better when I went back to school and did my exams, because it was something that was just for ME and no-one else. Do something every day with your kids, and remember that they love you!!

Katrina - posted on 09/24/2009

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firstly, dont have anymore kids to other guys unless you know its for keeps yeah!!



does the father's have much to do with the kids? And are they good dads??? If not then maybe you should consider moving away from them and starting fresh. Maybe gets some legal advice etc - i dont know! But yeah its best to get over them, as you know you cant have that anymore, what you had...they have moved on and so should you.



U have 3 gorgeous kids, they are your main priority at the mo!!

YVETTE - posted on 09/24/2009

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You are not a psycho, trust me! And your kids will love you regaurdless its in children's nature you are their mother. But if you can try and concentrate of yourself and the kids and not the past you will feel better. It will take alot of time but it is well worth it. I wouldnt suggest you dating due to the facts of not being over you past relationships yet. And about you not having what they have, is a bunch of bullsh..! You have 3 children dont think you are anything less then them just because their ages. They are just looking for sum fresh ass, which isnt going to last for long cause they will probably have kids also. Look yourself in the mirror daily and say I am the bomb!!!!

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