Advice for a failing relationship after baby

Charmaine - posted on 02/20/2010 ( 17 moms have responded )

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My partner and I had a rocky relationship before I fell pregnant with my son, but it was tolerable and not very hostile.

Hubby never wanted children so when I found out I was pregnant he started referring to the baby as a "disease eating away at your body". Which made a hormonal stage unbearable.

He woke up to himself 3 weeks before Tobias was born when he held my friends newborn which was a relief and was such a support at the labour then was even better for the month or so that followed.

But then everything went down hill fast! We constantly fight because we are both tired, and he work 3:30pm till 11:00pm then stays up until 4:00am and wonders why he is tired in the morning when Tobias wakes up at 6:00am. He says I should let him sleep in till 12:00pm. But I don't think it's fair for me to have to do it all, especially when he could go to be earlier to help me.

I haven't been diagnosed with post-natal depression, but I think I might have it as I have been having very uncomfortable thoughts, and I have explained this to hubby but he just doesn't seem to understand or want to support me in my concerns.

Any advice would be great as I am at my wits end and I am afraid that the happiness for my son could be jeopardized.

17 Comments

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Jeri - posted on 03/09/2010

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Girl its hard i know but both of you need to work at it. I am having issues with my relationship to, what you could do is take a vacation from eachother thats what i have done and it seems to help...

April - posted on 03/09/2010

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Hi.
I'm really sorry all of this is happening, it sounds like a really tough situation.
If you are really wanting to make the relationship work then I would second you trying the Love Dare book. However, I feel a little concerned at the "uncomfortable thoughts" you are having. Being a mom can be a hard overwhelming job if you don't have support through the rough times. So I do think you should seek some outside support through family friends or even a local church or counselor.... With that said, I do not like it when families break apart and a lot of times any relationship cab be salvaged with a lot of hard work and selflessness and always putting the other person first but if the relationship is abusive and you feel that you or your child is at risk then you really should leave immediately because someone who doesn't support and love you both no matter what isn't worth. I wish you all the best!

Rosanna-Lee - posted on 03/08/2010

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To be honest, I find this situation kind of one sided. You are expecting him to get up in the morning with the baby after he's gone to work all afternoon and night the night before. My hubby has a day job and I respect that he is bringing the money into our home. Due to that appretiation, I make sure that he's fed, clothed and clean. I also make sure that the kids do not interupt his rest time. It doesn't matter what he does for a living, take it as a compliment. Being a mother is hard trust me... I know this. If your man is working though, and especially with a mental dissorder like BiPolar (not sure if you're reffering to depression or scitzophrenia (Did not spell that right)), you need to be aware of his emotional and mental capabilities. You feel overwhellmed, I get that but stop and try to think of how he feels.
Please don't take this as me attacking you in any way, I just feel that there are 2 sides to every story and we're only getting yours. It's probably hard for you to see things from his point of view when you're so wrapped up in your own emotions. I hope that things get better for you.

Richelle - posted on 03/08/2010

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As a mum, my first and last thoughts are for my child, ( I know i am not you, but my partner and I went through similar arguments when our boy was younger, luckily for us we have sorted things out) I have been there and done it (packing up and leaving) If i were you, I would be packing up my baby and leaving him, until he cleans his act up....if he hurts himself big whoop, you are lucky he has not hurt you yet! It is much better for your boy not to be in a hostile environment!! It is your choice, but you need to look after your boy.....he is number 1!!!

Aimee - posted on 03/08/2010

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hi Charmaine, I really know how you are feeling and I have been through this too! I have sent you a private message to offer some help and support if you want it. Hold your head up and just get through each day best you can right now until you feel strong enough to make some decisions xx hope to hear from you soon

Charmaine - posted on 03/08/2010

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K. Erin Long, my partner has Bi Polar Disorder and has attempted several medications that have failed. I won't threaten to take his son away from him as I do fear that he could hurt himself if put in that situation, although he has never been violent to me in the past.

Lyndsay - posted on 02/22/2010

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Helloo..

First thing, I think you should seek support outside of your marriage. You obviously aren't recieving the support you need from your husband, and if you're going to make your marriage work you need that emotional stability as a foundation. Secondly, I think that you should grow a backbone and not allow him to bully you with threats of taking your son or isolating you in a town where you know nobody.

If your relationship fails (which I suspect that it might, because to me it doesn't sound like he is committed to making it work and that is a necessity), I think you need to pack up your son and bring him home with you to your family. Go to court and seek custody. He may be pissed about this, but whatever... as long as you are deemed to be an acceptable parent, you will probably win. From what you've said here his work and sleeping patterns are not conducive to raising an infant, which is what you should tell the courts.

K. Erin - posted on 02/22/2010

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after reading this post a few of your others within this one I am convinced your beau has a personality disorder...he sounds plumb friggin nuts to me dear, maybe he is the one with post partum depression...i would smack him around a bit...your son will never grow up happy in such a hostile environment...i say take his son from him and tell him he wont see him again til he gets professional help...he sounds like he could use it.. good luck hun.

Natasha - posted on 02/22/2010

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Are you both committed to the relationship? If so I suggest you both take some positive actions. My husband and I both have been talking about separation prior and after our son was born. When the topic came up, we realised we love each other very much but have communication issues (he is quite introverted). Our problem basically was I had emotional problems (anxiety/ depression) and he struggled to be any emotional support. Armed with that problem we both went to our Dr for a referral to family counselling, The Dr said I needed to sort out my anxiety & PND problems before counselling worked. I refused medication (trying for #2) and have been going to hypnotherapy. What a difference it has made. My husband is so surprised, that now he has been gong for confidence and self esteem, which has made him open up more.



Basically I am saying you both need to sit down and find out what you both want truthfully, without arguing. Then make a step towards where you want to go. For us it was both going to the Dr. It was our starting point and things are so much better. We actually see a happy future together. Good Luck. Your son need both of you happy.

Charmaine - posted on 02/22/2010

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I went home to my family for a weekend about 3 weeks ago and that didn't work, he hated me more because he was convinced I was taking his son from him.

Jessie - posted on 02/20/2010

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I say that you take your baby and go home for awhile and let him see how he feels without you. That way he can think things over and you can get some support from family especially if you are having some problems of your own.

[deleted account]

Try to do the "Love Dare" it is based off of a movie called fireproof! Look it up and try it. IT works!

Charmaine - posted on 02/20/2010

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Thanks Sasha, unfortunately it's not that easy, I have attempted the ultimatums and they fail severely. He just threatens me with custody battles as I live 4 hours away from my family so he wants to force me to stay in a city that I have no family support in. So the threats end up making me scared of being stuck in a city alone.

Sasha - posted on 02/20/2010

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hi charmaine ,

firstly him working to 11 and not going to bed till 4am thats his own fault that he tired, i dont think you should let him sleep in till 12pm if he does that he will have very little time to spend with you and your son, how ever im am concerned that when you spoke to him and told him about your uncomfortable thoughts he was very unsupportive, sit him down again and tell him that if things dont change that you and your son would be better off without him, sorry that it sounds harsh but it might be the only way that you will get through to him, with an ultamatum it gives him the choice he ethier changes or leaves, it worked for me when my partner wouldnt help me with the kids or around the house

i hope it helps you xxx

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