Advice . I'm no longer interested in a relationship with my daughters father.

Kimberly - posted on 12/03/2013 ( 1 mom has responded )

4

0

0

So soon after I gave birth of my daughter 17 months ago I started to dislike my boyfriend. Not for no reason of course . I had my reasons. Ill share an example ( this is the moment it all started) while I was in labor ( which in my mind was the time I needed him the most) he decided to leave the hospital with a friend. i was asleep getting my rest when he decided to leave ,couldnt even leave a nite or something for me to wake up to, and went to smoke a blunt for those who don't know what a blunt is its marijuanna rolled up in a cigar . " To calm his nerves " he later explained. I woke up from the pain of course in need of support and he wasn't there. It hurt me terribly both the contractions and his absence . Doctors had came in and because there were unable to detect my contracts with that thing they strap on your belly so they inserted a thin metal rod into her scalp. Frantic I could do nothing but watch the door hoping and waiting for him to walk in . Shortly after he did . I didn't even bother asking . I had to direct my energy into pushing . About 45 minutes our daughter was born. And ever since that day I have felt completely different about him. He doesn't understand me . Or how I feel about that day. The feeling of abandonment. He just wonders when im going to " let go" . ill never forget that . and ill mever forgive him. I was strict about who was allowed in the delivery room. I only wanted him. No family or friends. Just the father of my child . And he chose to do something so childish. I never felt more alone. He doesn't acknowledge that was the most important day if my life and how I remember it makes me not want to remember at all. );. Nobody knows this. Just him and I and you out there reding this. Because of that day I hated him . Hated the sight of him. He's presence . The way he ate they way he did anything really . I just totally lost myself into caring for my new baby . It was my paradise. He didn't do much . He gave me faces and attitude when I asked for him to watch her or put her to sleep because I was exhausted . Sleep deprived more like it . There were days I didn't shower or eat . I breast fed her for 6 months . If i wouldnt cook we wouldnt et. And it's important to be healthy and taken cared for. He didnt care. He didn't show any appreciation towards me . Never gave me a break . And if he did . I had to hear about it when I woke up. It's still like that today . And my daughter so innocent loves him. Rathers me for everything . But loves him and misses him . It brakes my heart . Sometimes I feel he gives her none of his time . He sits in front of a tv half the day playing video games . He won't bother checking her diaper . Getting her milk . Making her food . Or coming to her aid when she cries. But the times that he does interact with her she loves it. and its beautiful. but he does it if shes lucky 15 minutes a day. every nap every morning Every bottle of milk every meal every diaper change everything its all me. I'm emotional drained . It's hard . Very very hard. At The Endesa of The day i feel nothing but pure disgusts . I sometimes feel like a single mother already . Why not just eliminate him already.

Over these 17 months so many arguments have happened . Nothing ever physical. All verbal. But it's still a type of abuse . there are some arguments i replay in my head and i am astonished that im still sitting here .but I literally don't care anymore. I used to but I was doing more damage by letting it affect me. .indont even let him get that much . I love him . But I am not in love with him anymore. And it's because of all the arguments it's because if what we argue about. We've been together 5 years. I don't want to do it for another 5. Lately I'm so unhappy. I have great composure tho I guess it's for my daughter. But I'm feeling like enough is enough . I want to not be with you !!! .

We recently moved to my family's home because the house we were living in ( owned by his mom ) got a small case of bed bugs from a tenet who rented the downstairs apartment. My daughter was allergic to the bite so I decided to leave everything behind only with the clothes on my back my daughter and him. We've been here for 3 months. He hates being here. My family on the other hand are so happy to have us here. But when they see his face hear his attitude they really have a change of heart about him. Theve recently been on my back constantly because of our later argument. He told me he was going to leave with our daughter that I can stay or go with him if I'd like. He wasn't leaving without her and if he was leaving he was taking her. that im a bad mother and he could do everything i do . i shouldn't have told him come back. After a bery heated argument and many tears later He told me he was just going to leave without her . I told him I will go to court if he can't come to an agreement on how many days we share with her. But she wouldn't stop crying at the door. My mistake . Hes still here . The thought of not seeing my daughter crushes me . It's get hard for me to breathe a bit . I've been there all along. So in a way Im willing to deal with the unhappiness.
At this point I don't know what to do. I'm so torn. How do I go about this . How do I get away without being left with a messy situation. My happiness counts doesn't it ? I was going to wait untill I was able to get my own apartment . That wouldn't be untill about 11 months. In 11 months we would split and begin life apart. My concern is that she's so young. In 11 months she'll be 2 1/2 . Is that a goo idea?
Would the Arguments and being together just lead us further and further apart to where it affects our baby.

I don't want feel this way . Last week I went out with a girlfriend . Min u I haven't been out with a friend in over 5 years . I was gone for 3 hours . Played pool. I got the silent treatment from him for 5 days straight. Like seriously I don't know how muh more I can take . What's him and my family I can't get a moment for myself. I'm starting to feel trapped .

I need to know what's best . For my daughter and I . He's a loving funny man well was . He's a good dad when he wants to be. But a horrible boyfriend

He knows I don't want to be with him anymore. I've told him. We don't have sex . Well we do but it's so rare it's like it never happeneds. I don't feel like he deserves that from me. I take sex seriously . It's not something that just is done in my book. It's done with love. There's no love here. Sex doesn't feel the same with him. I'd rather be celibate. Why is he still here even after knowing I don't want to be with him? For the baby?
He wants me to just forget everything . Let it o . For some resins there just things I can't. Time doesn't heal all wounds. Some last a life time. I just wished they never happened.

I know this is long . It's not even 2% of the story .

Advice please

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Szilvia - posted on 12/04/2013

23

0

7

I have been there and still feel like that sometimes to this day. It can be very frustrating when you are not listened to or cared about because I'm my opinion that is what asking for help and not receiving it is. I know sometimes my frustrations with my guy are not all him, its me too like not having a life outside the kids and our home. When things are going rough I always think about what the most important things to me are in a guy for example; someone you can rely on, someone who's hardworking to take care of his family, someone who would rather stay home with his family instead of hanging out with friends all the time, etc and even though we have troubles luckly my guy has the qualities that I find important and even though he doesn't help me with chores and things as much as I like in the big picture its not as important as him being there for his family so I can let it go. Is this the same for you?

I know that having space (asking him to move out) can help but in some cases it can also make things worse. It can help because you wouldn't have the stress of having someone there all the time who is not helping you and you would be able to spend more time focusing on yourself and your daughter. It can make things worse if he stops coming around to see his daughter, he cheats on you, finds another girlfriend (if you still want to be with him), or it drives you two even further away from each other. Hopefully in him moving out he would then realize what he had, how much you did and would make an effort to be there for you more. Also if he didnt live with you and came for a visit if would be awkward if he just came in and sat down to play video games so maybe there would be more interaction with his daughter and you. If you consider this I would do it while you are at your parents place so you have their support and company because it can get lonely when its just you and your little one and it's hard leaving or taking a break after 5 years so you can talk to them about it.

You can also try giving him an ultimatium like if you spend more than 3 days a week watching tv or playing video games you should leave because we deserve more attention than that.

If he won't change and you don't want to take space the other thing you can do is change yourself. By that I mean your thinking. You have to stop expecting anything from him and just love him for who he is and what he does do even if its only playing video games.

Stress is never good and we all deserve to be happy. We can't change people but we can let them know what we need and what we feel we deserve. Sometimes people get stuck in their ways and forget that they have responsibilities to others not only themselves. I would give him the choice to change, if not I would give myself and my daughter the choice to be happy. Keep in mind that right now your daughter doesnt know whats going on but in a couple of years she will.

1 Comment

View replies by

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms