Advice on motivating the dad-to-be?

Abby - posted on 06/10/2009 ( 6 moms have responded )

28

11

1

The father-to-be is very excited and proud about the little girl we're expecting. But his hours keep getting cut at the job he has, (plus he just enrolled for health insurance, so they will start taking that out this paycheck) and he hasn't been very active in trying to get a different/second job. So since I'm currently 7 months pregnant I can't get another/different job (which I would love to but physically can't right now) I've been trying to make him see that since my pay is currently bigger than his (and my employer only offers unpaid leave since I am part-time) and 65% of the bills are paid by my income, that he needs a better or second job, at least until I can get back to work after delivery. I've been bringing home want-ads and sending in his resume for him occasionally (I know I shouldn't). The other night I broke down in front of him with my concerns which he genuinely seemed to understand and take in. I even told him that I will leave him and either move in with a local friend or move back in with my mom (4 hours away from where we live now and a definite last resort) if things don't improve. He knows that he isn't fully responsible, just that he'll need to help out financially a little more. The main issue is that come August I will be returning to classes for my senior year of college at the University of Vermont, and will be getting fewer hours at my job once I am able return to work. Our talk the other day seemed to make him realize how serious I am, but I'm not sure it worked fully and made him understand my concerns as I (and therefore the baby) feel them. Does anyone have advice about making the fire under his butt bigger??

6 Comments

View replies by

Hanna - posted on 06/10/2009

585

9

56

Quoting Corinne:

you could probably try to sit him down and go over the bills with him! physically show him where the problem is! sometimes the visual is much more powerful than the talk! make him understand that the second job is only temporary and youre not trying to rely on him 100% you just need help! he might be overwhelmed with the idea that he is completely responsible!? im so sorry to hear you have to go through this! dont stress yourself though, you need to keep yourself calm for you and your baby! things have a way of working out for those who deserve it! :) you could also look into working at home!? mary kay and companies such as that are very good at working with your schedule!


That is an excellent idea!



My husband lost his job a month before we had our son because company could no longer afford him and was out of work between feb 1 & june 1 and we're still waiting to get even a dollar from unemployment (state of florida is still figuring out the paperwork). so i had to live on a very tight budget as well as sell our car (that was almost new and i fully paid it off in less than a year) in order to move to another state when he finally got a job. and for the past year i was unemployed because we moved to florida and a month later i found out i was 2.5 months pregnant and i couldn't find a job in the next 2 month and after that nobody would hire me because they could tell i was pregnant.



so here are some more things to talk to him about before he goes from dad-to-be to dad -- things i learned the hard way



 



1. after delivery, you probably will need about a month if not more before you'll be able to go back to work. can you guys pay all the bills in the house on his current salary? and if there are complications and/or you will have a C and you'll need to stay home longer, can you afford it then?



2. you will probably need about $1500-2000 to buy everything you need for the baby before he's born. that's what we spent and we bought a crib from Ikea (the cheapest one with no sliding rail-- those cost more), a bath tub from there as well ($7), 4-piece bedding sheet from fisher price as opposed to the 6 piece one and discontinued line (jungle, the green one and it was $68 as opposed to the average 110), no diaper geenie or bottle sterilizer (u don't really need either one of those) and all the clothes were bought in size 3-6 & 6-9 to save money because i knew Max would be a big baby and Marshalls clearance rack & JC penney's on sale were my favorite places to go.



 



3. an average vaginal delivery costs $8000 in hospital bills (on top of what you're paying your OB) and if you need a C-section (like i did because Max was just too big for me to push him out myself -- a huge risk that he'll get stuck), it'll cost you about $12000 in hospital bills plus an additional $1000 to the regular OB fee.



4. will your insurance cover hospitalization fully or patially? how much is the deductible? can you meet that deductible? if you can't then you're better off not having insurance and getting either a temporary medicaid for your hospitalization or getting medicaid for the baby and that will cover all costs associated with the delivery. however, Medicaid will not cover anything if you had insurance at the time of the delivery.



5. you will need about $40 worth of diapers and $10 worth of baby wipes a month plus lotions, baby wash, ointments for when he starts having diaper rashes (all babies do) and those cost money. then if he has acid reflux at 4-6 weeks, u might need to buy medication (again, not cheap). and if your milk supply does not come in or you have a shortage (like me because my son from the get-go ate 3-4oz every 2-3 hours) and you have to supplement with formula, can you afford that?



6. when you decide to go back to work, do you have a family member who will watch the baby or will you need to pay for child care. and if you do have to pay, will you be making enough money to pay for it and have enough money left over to help pay the bills in the house? because if you don't it would make more sense for you to stay at home with the baby until she's old enough to go to pre-k or kindergarden and then u'll need to figure out how to make money from home in this economy.



anyway, i hope it helps a bit -- i didn't mean to scare you, but these are the things i learned that i didn't think to ask or people didn't tell me about. so i think it's better for you to know upfront and plan ahead rather than face the consequences after the fact. good luck and i hope he does figure out how to provide for his family!

Hanna - posted on 06/10/2009

585

9

56

Quoting Corinne:

you could probably try to sit him down and go over the bills with him! physically show him where the problem is! sometimes the visual is much more powerful than the talk! make him understand that the second job is only temporary and youre not trying to rely on him 100% you just need help! he might be overwhelmed with the idea that he is completely responsible!? im so sorry to hear you have to go through this! dont stress yourself though, you need to keep yourself calm for you and your baby! things have a way of working out for those who deserve it! :) you could also look into working at home!? mary kay and companies such as that are very good at working with your schedule!


That is an excellent idea!



My husband lost his job a month before we had our son because company could no longer afford him and was out of work between feb 1 & june 1 and we're still waiting to get even a dollar from unemployment (state of florida is still figuring out the paperwork). so i had to live on a very tight budget as well as sell our car (that was almost new and i fully paid it off in less than a year) in order to move to another state when he finally got a job. and for the past year i was unemployed because we moved to florida and a month later i found out i was 2.5 months pregnant and i couldn't find a job in the next 2 month and after that nobody would hire me because they could tell i was pregnant.



so here are some more things to talk to him about before he goes from dad-to-be to dad -- things i learned the hard way



 



1. after delivery, you probably will need about a month if not more before you'll be able to go back to work. can you guys pay all the bills in the house on his current salary? and if there are complications and/or you will have a C and you'll need to stay home longer, can you afford it then?



2. you will probably need about $1500-2000 to buy everything you need for the baby before he's born. that's what we spent and we bought a crib from Ikea (the cheapest one with no sliding rail-- those cost more), a bath tub from there as well ($7), 4-piece bedding sheet from fisher price as opposed to the 6 piece one and discontinued line (jungle, the green one and it was $68 as opposed to the average 110), no diaper geenie or bottle sterilizer (u don't really need either one of those) and all the clothes were bought in size 3-6 & 6-9 to save money because i knew Max would be a big baby and Marshalls clearance rack & JC penney's on sale were my favorite places to go.



 



3. an average vaginal delivery costs $8000 in hospital bills (on top of what you're paying your OB) and if you need a C-section (like i did because Max was just too big for me to push him out myself -- a huge risk that he'll get stuck), it'll cost you about $12000 in hospital bills plus an additional $1000 to the regular OB fee.



4. will your insurance cover hospitalization fully or patially? how much is the deductible? can you meet that deductible? if you can't then you're better off not having insurance and getting either a temporary medicaid for your hospitalization or getting medicaid for the baby and that will cover all costs associated with the delivery. however, Medicaid will not cover anything if you had insurance at the time of the delivery.



5. you will need about $40 worth of diapers and $10 worth of baby wipes a month plus lotions, baby wash, ointments for when he starts having diaper rashes (all babies do) and those cost money. then if he has acid reflux at 4-6 weeks, u might need to buy medication (again, not cheap). and if your milk supply does not come in or you have a shortage (like me because my son from the get-go ate 3-4oz every 2-3 hours) and you have to supplement with formula, can you afford that?



6. when you decide to go back to work, do you have a family member who will watch the baby or will you need to pay for child care. and if you do have to pay, will you be making enough money to pay for it and have enough money left over to help pay the bills in the house? because if you don't it would make more sense for you to stay at home with the baby until she's old enough to go to pre-k or kindergarden and then u'll need to figure out how to make money from home in this economy.



anyway, i hope it helps a bit -- i didn't mean to scare you, but these are the things i learned that i didn't think to ask or people didn't tell me about. so i think it's better for you to know upfront and plan ahead rather than face the consequences after the fact. good luck and i hope he does figure out how to provide for his family!

Cristina - posted on 06/10/2009

2

12

0

In my opinion men are very visual. If you were to maybe break down on paper what he makes ,what you make and how it is declining as you become farther along. All the bills you pay and he pays.Show him on paper what is going to happen say when your on maternity leave. He is just going to have to pick up the slack. Give him the choice of how he will make it happen. Or at least the illusion that he has control over the situation. They(men) always seem to get done what needs to be done it may not be right when we want it (and that sucks!!) but they do do it when they feel they have control of it not when your "nagging" them about it.

Corinne - posted on 06/10/2009

864

70

215

you could probably try to sit him down and go over the bills with him! physically show him where the problem is! sometimes the visual is much more powerful than the talk! make him understand that the second job is only temporary and youre not trying to rely on him 100% you just need help! he might be overwhelmed with the idea that he is completely responsible!? im so sorry to hear you have to go through this! dont stress yourself though, you need to keep yourself calm for you and your baby! things have a way of working out for those who deserve it! :) you could also look into working at home!? mary kay and companies such as that are very good at working with your schedule!

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms