Advice, please help!

Andrea - posted on 02/22/2014 ( 2 moms have responded )

8

0

0

I posted on here a few months ago and I didn't get much of a response. My situation has gotten even more complicated since then and I could really use some honest opinions so here I am trying again. For months and months I have been seriously considering leaving my boyfriend (and my daughters father). He has a drinking problem and we fight all the time. When I was pregnant with our daughter I spent many nights home alone while he was out drinking all night (in my car that he borrowed to go to work in) and I have a lot of resentment towards him. He has toned down his drinking since she has been born but he still drinks...every night. Then if he drinks too much he picks fights with me and he will do it in front of our daughter. The beginning of January I decided to leave after a horrible fight. I was gone for 3 weeks (staying with my parents who live 5 houses down the road) and then he convinced me to come home. I'm back now because I so desperately want to work things out for my daughter. I don't want to have to split up time with her. I want her to have her 2 parents together. I want to get married and have more children...soon but I just can't see myself doing these things with him. And for the record he thinks marriage is a "joke" and that is not on his mind at all. I'm afraid that I will leave for good and find out that I didn't try hard enough. He has been treating me better since I've come home but he still drinks every night and does whatever he wants whenever he wants. I never fight him when he says he's going to go do this or that because I don't really want him home. I want to love him again but I just don't know if its possible at this point. I've tried for so long and I'm exhausted. I have already emotionally checked out of this relationship and don't want to waste my time on this if it can't be fixed. Also, we work together to complicate things even further. During the time we were apart I looked for another job and didn't even get an interview and even if I did I would be taking a huge pay cut to work anywhere other then my current job. This is also complicated. I've never been more confused! Please help!

2 Comments

View replies by

Michelle - posted on 02/23/2014

5,046

8

3249

My ex was (and still is) an alcoholic and it's a horrible way to live.
It took me a while before I had just had enough and couldn't handle the fights every night.
You need to realize that there has to be give from both sides to be able to work through a problem like this. You have already said that you don't fight when he says he's going out so he's not going to change.
My grandmother told me that it's not good to saty together for the children. Her parents did and it was a very unhappy house to grow up in. It's better for the children to see you happy than to have their parents together.
I have since met a wonderful man who is a fantastic step dad to my boys and we have a daughter together. My boys are seeing the right way to treat women and my 12yo has turned into such a romantic. He doesn't see it from his own father though.

Christian - posted on 02/23/2014

3

0

1

Hi Andrea,
I will break this up for you in three parts, in order of importance. Forgive him for everything, change your perspective, and move on.
The reason to forgive is not for his sake but your, your child, and anyone you meet in the future. You are the gatekeeper for whether or not your child hears all the negative things about her dad. Why shouldn’t she? If when they spend time together he has to spend it defending himself or hearing everything that everyone says about him he will be unlikely to spend time with her. The griping serve you but works against her best interest. Forgiving also frees you. When you are in a new relationship it is unfair to place the dysfunction of another person on their shoulder. You wouldn’t want to be with someone who did that to you.
Change your perspective. You are attempting to create a nuclear family with someone who is not capable of it. You enable his drinking by staying with him, you frustrate yourself by staying with him. The things you want are valid, but he is not capable of being that person. Don’t be angry with him, just know that when you look at him he is not able to be that person.
Move on. You need to let him go without being angry. The longer you are with him is the more likely that when the right person comes along you will still be attached and unavailable. You are looking to get married. That should last for the next 50-60 years. It is less damaging to a child to spend time with parents who live apart than it is to have them witness violence, or be dragged into the middle of adult issue.
Mr. Right and the white-picket fence is there, it just isn't with him.

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms