Am I a bad mom?

Kimberley - posted on 07/05/2011 ( 14 moms have responded )

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About 9 months ago my 2 children went to live with their father because I could no longer support them on my own. I moved to another state after my ex told me that he was going to let me talk to them and see them when ever i wanted but when i moved back like 2 months later he had full custody of my kids and now he isn't letting me see them. am I a bad mom for leaving in the first place? i just was trying to do what I thought was right for my daughters.

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Isobel - posted on 07/07/2011

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I don't think you are a bad mom...but I do think you made a very big mistake.

I urge you to remember that their father has now watched those children go through an astronomical amount of pain because you abandoned them (and whether or not you believe that is true doesn't matter...I guarantee that's what the kids felt).

Yes, seek joint custody EVENTUALLY, but start small with visitation and spend a LOT of time apologizing to those children and trying to make it up to them.

[deleted account]

Reading Jeanine's post reminded me...When you do have contact with you daughters dont play the blame game! It hurts more then anything for a parent to blame the other parent for something. The girls are already torn and I'm sure hurting. Its not going to help win them over to belittle their father who as far as they may know at this point is the only one who wants them. Which could confuse them even more if ou tell them it was his fault you werent around. Rather he is play dirty or not like she said dont sink to his level!

Susan - posted on 07/05/2011

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No, it doesn't make you a bad mom. Just file for visitation rights. If he's being shady about letting you see them then you are probably in for a battle for right to see your kids, but they are your kids too. If you want to see your kids badly then go to bat for them. Stand up and say you want to see your kids. Most court systems favor the mom, as long as she is clean and has an income to support the kids. My sister had a similar instance.

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Ashley - posted on 10/25/2013

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Your was a while ago, I am curious to find out what happened with your situation. I am in a very similar situation. In a ntushell, I decided to allow my 2 kiddos (7/8yo) to live with their dad back in February so I could relocate to another state and not uproot them before I am established here. I go back about every month to visit them. I am also going to graduate school this spring. Knowing how difficult it was to finish my undergrad as a single mom, I wanted to get one year of my grad degree out of the way as well before they are with me full time again-- and this time away from all extended family and their dad. I feel like I am doing all of this so my kids and I will have a better life and I will be even better able to support them. On the flipside, I feel that so many people look down on this and think I should never have moved, that I am a bad mom, that I left my kids, etc. I don't feel this way at all. I talk to them nearly every day, I visit them often. I'm so confused-- is there no one who has ever heard of divorced parents in different states? Is this really abnormal? Is this really "wrong" of me? Should I move back to my home state?

Mariah - posted on 02/26/2012

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That does make a bad mom you just want what best girls. That make pretty selfless. you did good thing hopefully everything works out and you get join custody because girls needs there mom. God bless and good luck.

[deleted account]

No, I don't think so. But it's sad what has happened. If your ex has a heart he will let you see them. Don't be confrontational about it. He is being a big help caring for the kids so try and be supportive and I bet he'll come around.

Jeanine - posted on 07/07/2011

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Honestly, i think that what you did makes you quite the opposite, it makes you a GOOD mom. You understood that their father could better care for them than you could, and gave them the chance to have the BEST possible life, which is what being a parent is really all about. Their father is the one who is wrong. He has not held up on his end of the deal. Take him to court, and fight him with everything you have, but dont sink to his level. Dont fight to take the kids from him because they need him too. But i will say that depending on the ages of your two children, the poster above me is right. you are going to have to spend time making it up to them, regardless whether its your fault youre out of touch with them or not. Good luck on your battle, and remember, its not about who is wrong or right, its about whats best for your babies.

[deleted account]

No, I dont see where your a bad Mom. Did you move to the other state in hopes of finding a better job or place for your children? If you left for good reasons and werent just runing out on your kids, then you have every right to see them. I do agree with the others, you very well might have a HUGE uphill battle so be prepared! But it sounds like you are working on everything and a judge will see that. Heck they gave visitations to my ex-SIL whos husband was raping my niece so a stable housewife should have no trouble getting atleast visitations!

Catherine - posted on 07/07/2011

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i had the same thing, after i split with my ex he had the kids for 2 months while i found soewhere to live and so on then he wouldnt let them come back or see me. now they live with me again after 3 yrs and court battles but i felt the same. you're not a bad mum for doing the best for your kids. it makes you the best mum because you put them first not yourself :) hope you get them back

Candice - posted on 07/06/2011

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Take it to court, if you got friends have them write letters of refrence for you. If you can show them that you were doing what you thoaght was best for your children and now are stable things should got your way in coart. just dont let him or the coart see you sweat..You got to have a level head with this..which i know is hard considering these are your kids..you are in no way a bad parent you were just doing what you thoaght was right.

Amanda - posted on 07/05/2011

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No I don't think you are a bad Mom. I think you thought you where doing what was best for your children. As parents we will have set backs in raising them but it is when we realize all the things that we could of done better makes use a good parent. You should do whatever it takes to see your children. If you let him win and you give up then you will forever have regret and that is the worst feeling.

Rachael - posted on 07/05/2011

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are you a bad mom? No, but I do not think you will be granted custody right away. You will probably get visitation (possible even supervised at first) since you essentially walked out on your children. I think that being settled down now and having a structured support system is a great asset. You did what you felt you needed to then, and now have regrets, sadly that is how life works. 9 months is not that long of a time since you ran off, so you may need to "prove" to your ex and a judge that you are interested in being a mom not that it is simply convenient.
Good luck to you on your court date! Let us know how it turns out!

Jamie - posted on 07/05/2011

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honey the judge should will see you was doing the right thing for your kids and will probably end up giving you at least joint custody. I wish you all the luck in the world

Kimberley - posted on 07/05/2011

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I have already gone to mediation but he will not agree on anything I have a court date onxt week. I am now married my husband and I have a 2 bdrm apt and He is in the military I am a stay at home wife. what are the chances of me getting at least joint coustody if I am not working.. I am going to school though.

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