Am I being an unfair mother and DIL?

Marushka Van - posted on 01/08/2013 ( 19 moms have responded )

3

0

1

Can anyone help me PLEASE !!!!!!
I still live with my fiancee in his parents' house. We had a baby early and she is using this as a weapon. i had a baby 8 months ago and she is taking over I cannot take it anymore. I tried talking to my finace but he isn't very supportive. Every weekend she wants to go out and do stuff. And we have to tag along otherwise she is so upset and starts treating me differently. I don't understand. i asked my hubby to help and he said that he will and he understands what I'm talking about, But he never does anything about it. When we are spending time together alone in another room. She will call him almost every 2 minutes and I cannot take it. She tells me what to do with my children and when I have an opinion she just goes balistic. Carrying on about my history and my past and I'm like a child and things like that. She humiliated me infront of my husbon my FIL and the rest of the family. She treats us like slaves and tells us what to do all the time. When we're not keen on doing it with her she gets very upset. She sometimes doesn't even talk to me or greet me. what can I do my MIL is ruining my life. Im taking depression medication thanks to her and I feel overwhelmed and teari eyed everyday.I get irritated with her alot and she drives me crazy, so crazy that me and my hubbe fght all the time :( :( any advise?

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Lacye - posted on 01/10/2013

889

0

221

It sounds like a good time to find your own place to live, with or without your fiance.

Tracy - posted on 01/18/2013

207

5

2

I think there is a LOT of important information missing from this equation before real advice can be given. How old are you two? How long have you lived in her home? Do either of you work? Do you contribute financially to the house? Do you offer to help out around the house without being asked or nagged? What was his relationship like with his mom before you came around AND before the kiddo? You mention a baby 8 months ago but then you say she tells you what to do with your children (plural), have you had more than one baby while living in her house? Is she like this with any brothers/sisters your SO has? LOTS of questions that could effect the story and WHY she behaves this way. Maybe she's just crazy but maybe she feels taken advantage of, worried about all of your future, frustrated at supporting you, tired of messes you leave, who knows what... I would really try to sit back and evaluate the situation from her point of view and what YOU can do to make things better. If the true and honest answer is "nothing", then your only choice is move out. (My family has moved in with other family in the last couple years after we faced layoffs. I know it's not easy, but making sure you are not taking advantage of the situation or taking the generosity for granted is very difficult.)

Michelle - posted on 01/09/2013

5,046

8

3249

While you are living with her I don't see things changing. You need to move out and have your own family unit.

Jessica - posted on 01/11/2013

3

20

0

You guys should do everything you can to move out and get your own place. Wherever that may be. This woman sounds like she is very controlling and since your hubby grew up with her in this environment he may not see anything wrong with her behavior.

19 Comments

View replies by

Mallorie - posted on 02/02/2013

4

12

0

I have been there! I bet she also talks about you when she doesnt think you are listening too. I suggest for you sanity that you GET THE HELL OUT. Find a basement apartment that you and you kids can live in and invite your hubbie to come along. Understand that most men are mamas boys and will not stand up to her unless it is life of death and even then they will be hesitant. Check craigslist for places to rent or even your local laundry mat. When you move out you will be in control of when or if she sees them and take your time settling in to your new place. Take a month and just enjoy your peace. when that month is over she wil realize that you are in control of your kids and her having anything to do with them is just a privilege. I wish you luck.

Marlene - posted on 02/02/2013

4

2

0

Run!!!!!! You need to leave asap, this is the worst thing to do, living with parents Inlaw the only reason she's treating you that cause you in her house, girl pack your stuff in leave. Good luck

Erika - posted on 01/29/2013

3

0

0

I went through EXACTLY the same thing, that i swear u are my twin. so please get out of the situation, move to another town, even if its only like 10 min away. u guys need to not only be a family but to also be away from her, me and my fiance just moved 14 hours away ( 2 states ) to get away from his step mom, who was the same. please for u and ur family do not be in that situation anymore, even if ur cramped in a lil studio apartment or motel room, trust me, its much btr!!

Joni - posted on 01/26/2013

85

0

1

Get your own place! My mil was very pushy and insulting at time and my hubby never said anything. Then we had kids she pushed and I pushed right back of course it was in my home not hers.
It took a few yrs for my hubby to take up for me. I would just keep telling him everytime she say stuff.
I know I couldn't live like that.
My hubby now defends me cause I've told him she your mom you take care of it if I do it won't be pretty! So he does.
Maybe he don't say anything cause you guys live with her.
But I would say get off the depression meds and move the heck out of there!!!
Best wishes

Deborah - posted on 01/22/2013

256

8

16

Move. Even if it is by yourself. You can't work on your family if he's still living with his.

Becky - posted on 01/21/2013

15

15

0

Time to move out. Social Services is there to help you get started if need be. Most sons won't interfere when it comes to their Moms. You need to take the initiative to look for a place. Talk to your fiance about moving and if he wants to come with you or not. If she's driving you that crazy, what will she do to your child! Let her know when you have found a place and are actually moving, not before or she might try to stop you. Then and only then will you be able to establish a relationship with her. You will be able to make your own rules and she will have to follow them but under her roof you are at her mercy! Good luck!

Tracy - posted on 01/18/2013

207

5

2

And S - I would never say (just so my previous statement is clear, because MAYBE it wasn't) that if you are young that your parent gets to tell you how to parent or control your parenting. However, it honestly doesn't say even if this girl is 15 years old. **if** that were the case, it may not be so much "rules" on how to parent coming from his mother, but attempts to teach and guide her (which can very often FEEL like rules and control). I just wanted that part clear of my statement. A *very* young mother might need more "interference" than, say, a mother of 25, 30, 35, etc... that's all. I was a 17 year old mother and believe me that I have always known more about parenting than my mother ever has. But, I knew other young mothers that needed a ton of do's and don'ts provided just for the basic stuff.

Tracie - posted on 01/10/2013

317

9

1

Get the hell out of there. Boundaries, my dear, you all need very clear boundaries. YOU are the mother, SHE is the grandma. If she doesn't like it, she can go jump in a lake.

Seriously, GET OUT, even if you have to rent a studio apartment for the three of you. It is the only way. Now that you are your own family, you need to be living apart from his mommy.

Best of luck to you.

Tammy - posted on 01/10/2013

253

2

3

First off, I suggest that you move out! If you can't afford it, find another relative or a friend to room with until you have the money to get your own place. Second, re-evaluate your relationship with your "fiancee". If you are having problems with him now, what will happen when you are actually married?

Sonya - posted on 01/10/2013

63

3

7

Gut response is move out. She's not going to change. She's older than you and set in her ways. You need to have your own life with your own family and have her visit you & the baby on your terms, in your own place.

Jenn - posted on 01/10/2013

29

24

2

Move out ASAP! Become adults and be financially independent and take care of your family together without his parents help. Under their roof, you've got their rules. If you don't like them move out. Why are you guys living there in the first place, do either of you work and/or go to school? How old are you two?

Feah - posted on 01/08/2013

66

0

21

Well, that is rough. I think you should see why your husband sees no problems with it. He maybe thinking that dealing with your MIL's demands are more cost effective than living in another place. So try to reach and understanding with your husband. Sit down and write out what bothers you about your MIL and ask what he can do to help. Also maybe sit down with your MIL and ask her what you can do to mend the relationship, or what is bothering her. Maybe you can reach an understanding.

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms