Am I doing the right thing for my son? Please Please HELP!!!

Kim - posted on 09/20/2009 ( 6 moms have responded )

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My sons father didnt really want me keeping Aiden in the begining. Later found out that he used me and cheated on his then girlfriend with me and never knew it. I told him I was pregnant and he kept trying to covince me not to keep him. When I said no way he started denying him. Then he got married to the girl he cheated on. Had very little contact with me the entire pregnancy. But since we were both in the military and he was in my company, no contact was never really an option. What contact we did have was never fun. When I was 51/2 months along my best friend Joe and I decided to give dating a shot. Me and him are now to be married in January when he gets home from Iraq. Hes always been daddy to Aiden, he has Joes last name, but no father on the birth certificate. Joe and I were going to draw out papers for Aiden to be adopted by Joe when he gets home. But a couple months ago David has decided he wants to try and be in Aidens life. But not all the time. Only when its conveniant to him. Ive had contact with him thus far for Aidens sake. Because Aiden is half mexican, and Joe, myself, and my future stepson are all full white. I know Aiden will notice one day. Joe gets upset everytime he finds out I have contact with David. He says that David has no rights to his (joe caliming Aiden) son. I just dont know what to do about it. David trys, and Joe gets worse. Although I have a feeling David only tries because it makes Joe mad. Its all just one crazy situation, and I just cant take it anymore. I just want the best for Aiden... Please HELP!

6 Comments

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Nicole - posted on 09/22/2009

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I know personally, I have a mother like this. She gave me up to my grandparents when I was 5 days old and now only wants to be a part of my life when its conveinant for her. As a child whose been in this situation, I would move to terminate parental rights, As Aiden gets older tell him about his father and the situation. Leave it up to him to contact his dad when he's older. I know my mom put me thru hell with coming in and out of my life at such a young age and as an adult now with my own children I refuse to talk to her. Its not that I don't love her, I always will. but its more painful for a little kid to ask "why is my parent this way" than rather them not understanding it right away. You'd be protecting him from a lot of heartache and it doesn't have to be permanent, just until he's old enough to understand how his dad was being. This doesn't mean talk bad about david either... My dad was always bad about talking about my mom to me when he was never around either for me so its a tough decision.

Jessica - posted on 09/22/2009

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well if you really want the best for your son, i feel the rite thing to do is to allow his dad access, mainly because your son will only be angry and confused if you dont, i know your partner feels your son is his and is doin the rite thing for him by bein in his life and a good role model, but u need to allow ur son access to his father. he may resent u if he dont and at least if his real dad isnt going to step up to the plate after all, at least u allowed him too so your son could never say u didnt let him into his life. if i ever split up with my bf no matter if he hadnt wanted to be involved before id still give him that chance as people can change, but if he doesnt change and lets your son down it will look bad on him and not on u which is what u want, it will just mean you gave your son and him the opportunity to know each other thats all. as for your partner i know it will be hard on him to accept but he may need to step bk on this one, he can still be a dad to ur son but in a diferent way.

Jennifer - posted on 09/22/2009

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I would tell the bio father that if he isn't willing to be a constant in your son's like then you are not going to subject him to future emotional harm. Also not sure about the law there but I know here you can't have your now husband adopt your son without the bio father's consent. The bio father has to be willing to sign his rights away basically. If the bio father doesn't support your son with child support then you have the right as his mother to refuse visitations. I would keep backing David into a corner, the worst he could do is get a lawyer, then what, he hasn't been around, doesn't support his child, so then the courts order him to pay child support. That could work to your benefit. I would also start keeping logs of your conversations with David that way if it did end up going to court you have dated documentation of how little he contacts you about ya'lls son. Hope things work out for you.

Nadine - posted on 09/21/2009

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See to me at this point I would tell David look he has Joes last name you are not on the birth certificate and that he never wanted anything to do with him before so since he only wants it when its convenient your aren't allowing it. If Joe is willing to sign at least in Michigan if the father is left blank you can add him as long as he signs that he is the father then the only way David will be able to do anything about it is if he takes you to court. From the way you make him sound he wont go through the trouble. But you have to decide what you think is best for your son and Joe will have to understand and respect if you decide to let him know David. Good luck hope this helped.

Ayla Chanel - posted on 09/21/2009

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From an emotional point - Your probably wanting aiden to know david because he is his bio father. But by the sounds of it he is really not the kind of father you want aiden knowing... He doesnt sound trust worthy, or in any fit condition to be a father... i.e the not being in his life all the time, only sometimes... Joe sounds really nice from what you have said. Sounds like he cares enough and is willing to take someone elses son as his own, this is rare in men... I think when aiden is old enough to understand let him know and go from there... Be honest and truthfull to him and spare him no detail. (once he is old enough of course) If it were me, i would allow david the visiting rights and no more. Cant count on him much by the sounds of it. :) good luck :)

[deleted account]

Find a mediator or get a lawyer to help you work this out.



tell his real father that if he wants him in his life then this is going to be the way to go, if he is doing this just to get under Joes skin and nothing more then he will back off.



You really need to find out why the sudden interest though. Explain to him that if he wants to have his son in his life then he needs to commit to it convenience or not, and give him the opprotunity. But make it clear that if he does not want to make the full effort it would be best for your child that he lets him be adopted. it doesnt mean he will never know his real father but that your child shouldnt be forced to live with a situation that is quite stressful. he can still visit and watch him grow but if he cant make the long term commitment then it will only hurt his son in the long run if he continues to just bounce in and out of his life.



Dont point out the issues you or your husband would have if he sticks around but the issues that concern your son.



You are also going to have to talk with your husband, he needs to accept that the childs father may want to stick around and it doesnt make him any less a dad for it.



As for adoption you will have to prove it is best and may need his real fathers permission (though its easier when a father doesnt stick around and barely helps with his child)

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