Are there real consequences of pushing a bio father away?

Julie - posted on 09/15/2012 ( 129 moms have responded )

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When I was in my first trimester, I lied to my fiance about having a miscarriage and then dumped him. He would've made a good father, but I wanted a better life. And I didn't want the permanent connection that could interfere with my future relationships.

I went back to my home state and my parents helped me keep it a secret that I gave birth to my daughter. My high school sweetheart married me soon after and adopted my daughter. He didn't want the bio father popping up one day interfering with our marriage either.

When my daughter was 4, I told the bio father the truth. He was irate and emailed me a nasty email and then tried to get the adoption overturned. But he lost. I showed the court his email and said I was worried that he would try to turn my daughter against me and it would destroy her self esteem by being put in the middle. The court said he had nothing to offer at the time because he lived too far away to pay child support and visit often enough, and my daughter was already bonded to my husband.

I told him he could still visit and see how it goes but that he couldn't be called "dad" since it would confuse my daughter and that it would all work out somehow. He didn't like this and said it wasn't fair that I could cut contact with him at any time and that he would have to see another man be the dad. He thinks this was me pushing him away and trying to have power over him. He is too selfish to see that a child's feelings are what matters, not a person who contributes sperm. I wouldn't want to be in his shoes, but I'm not, so it's not my problem. I think my daughter won't really care about him enough for there to be consequences.

I don't see how this is "pushing him away".

What about you? Any consequences?

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Jodi - posted on 09/15/2012

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How incredibly selfish of you. How DARE you call him selfish because he wants to be in her life as a father. Not your problem? Jesus, I've never heard such selfish, selfish comments.



Yes there are consequences. Have you see those adopted children who, even thought they've had a good life, still want to know who their biological parents are? There is a reason for that.



My nephew didn't know who his father was until he was a teen. He thought it was someone else. Even though he had never even met his real father, he was extremely angry at his mother for lying to him. Is that what you want? Do you think it is okay to lie to your child about this? And then when she finds out, are you going to tell her the truth? That her dad wanted to be in her life, but you didn't want him to be so you cut him off because it didn't suit YOU?



Sorry, you make me sick.

Jessica - posted on 09/23/2012

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My cousin did something similar, except the father of her daughter was a one night stand. She found her husband while she was pregnant, he signed her daughter's birth certificate as the girl's father and she never knew until she was an adult. When someone in the family let it slip, her daughter practically disowned the whole family. Eventually she came around to the rest of the family, but her relationship with her mother and father is completely ruined.



Don't lie to your daughter, you'll pay for it in the end.

Caitlin - posted on 09/17/2012

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What you're referring to and making light of is kidnapper's syndrome, in which the abducted person empathizes with their abductor. If you didn't want to be 'obligated' to him you shouldn't have lied to him. It's not difficult to understand. You had a child with him and now you want to hold your daughter over his head, because you need to feel better about the decisions you've made. Rationalization and justfication will only work for so long. Your child has two fathers. For you to blatantly say the biological father should just have children with his wife is wrong. He has one child already.

Sounds to me like you were looking for a way out of the relationship and you used your pregnancy as that out.

And one more thing, it's not your choice to decide if your daughter needs her biological father. I pray that you make this situation right. Otherwise, the life you've built on lies will come tumbling down.

Firebird - posted on 09/15/2012

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How despicable. I don't know how anyone could stomach being friends with someone like you. This is why so many men hate women. Fucked up shit like this. You should be truly ashamed of what you've done. Karma is bound to come around and kick you in the ass one day, and you'll know why.



You say you're afraid that her dad will turn her against you, but what you should be afraid of is that when your daughter learns the truth, and yes - she will find out, that you will have turned her against you, all by yourself. Then it will be your problem.

This conversation has been closed to further comments

129 Comments

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Ashley - posted on 09/24/2012

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As long as they are blood they have every right. Unless there is a court order saying that they are NOT allowed to be near said child they have rights. Whoever told you that was a bigger liar than you.

Julie - posted on 09/24/2012

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well ASHLEY, we all have "opinions". And the law doesn't require a woman to tell any potential bio father of a pending adoption if he is not her husband or already legally established as father. Purposely hiding for any reason doesn't matter to a court because the court understands that supplying sperm shouldn't grant you automatic rights like it does for a woman when she gives birth (and she's not a surrogate). Men aren't here to have guaranteed connections to their biological children. That's a privilege that we and the courts decide whether or not to grant. Men can either get married or take it to court and hope the court sides with them.

Heather - posted on 09/24/2012

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Julie,



You are constantly contradicting your self. I have read EVERY post from the beginning. YOU said that your parents helped you HIDE THE PREGNANCY. Seriously send me his email and I will send send him a copy. in-less you're afraid of what he will be able to do with a copy of this post and your written confessions to your wrong doings.

Ashley - posted on 09/24/2012

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Blah, blah, blah. ILLEGAL adoption in my opinion since you didnt inform the father of such a move. Any court should reverse that knowing that you lied and hid it. Your real sad and pathetic.

Jodi - posted on 09/24/2012

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And you NEVER thought you had a miscarriage, you are full of shit. You already said that you lied about it.

Julie - posted on 09/24/2012

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how sad really, that no matter how much you think you have a reason to dislike me, she will grow up to think of this dna father as nothing more than a stranger who wasn't willing to have at least some limited and marginalized role in her life, just because he couldn't deal with settling for less than he thought he was entitled to. All the lawyers in the world can't undo a perfectly legal adoption this late in the game. And my parents didn't hide anything because there was nothing to hide. I told them the truth, that I thought I had a miscarriage and told him and that we were no longer together and we never heard from him again.

Jodi - posted on 09/24/2012

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Oh, Heather, the EXACT same thing crossed my mind. How I would love to send a copy of these posts from this morally devoid person to the father. But we all know this person hasn't used a real name. And let's face it, we can all hope she is just a troll. Because honestly, that is much easier to believe than the fact that there are people like this out there.

Heather - posted on 09/24/2012

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I have marked a few as funny as well!



Julie give me his email I will happily send him a copy of this post for you so you don't have to "put up with him"

Ashley - posted on 09/24/2012

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Heather, I am soooo glad someone said that. I was thinking the same thing about wanting to find the REAL father and show him this and send a copy to the courts to wherever she is located at and also another copy to any lawyer on behalf of the father so he can sue the living crap outta her lol.

Heather - posted on 09/24/2012

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Julie,



I hope so much that he finds this post and PRINTS it ALL out. I wish I knew who he was so I could send him a copy of this! You admit to lying to him about having a miscarriage, about knowingly putting the wrong name on your daughters birth certificate, about pushing her father away, about your husband wanting you to abort her, and of course your parents helping you to HIDE your daughter from him. I wish your daughter could read this when she gets older. That she could know that to you her life is a game, and she is just something to hold over her fathers head for your own joy at watching him kill himself to try to get HIS DAUGHTER back. THAT would be KARMA!!!!!!!!!!!!

Julie - posted on 09/24/2012

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I do occasionally send him a picture or two here and there but it's never good enough. He wants more than he's entitled to and I'm not even obligated to do anything so he should stop whining. Nothing will ever be good enough for him.

He can't sue me, she has a father supported by the courts and that's the end of it.

Julie - posted on 09/24/2012

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I didn't say he can't see her. I just set rules he doesn't like, like he has to accept he's not her real father because he's not raising her, he would just be visiting her.

Julie - posted on 09/24/2012

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There is no proof I said anything about a miscarriage anyway, so for all she knows he would be lying.

Ashley - posted on 09/24/2012

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Who's name did you put on the birth certificate for father? If you did put him down which you SHOULD have since you knew damn well who the REAL father is. The courts SHOULD have looked into the parentage before giving away his rights. That is illegal on everyones behalf. He can sue the hell outta you all, courts included. Why was it his responsibility to check if you were still pregnant? Who in their right mind would think someone would actually lie about something like that? NOONE. IT IS YOUR FAULT. And YOU are the one not making it easy for him to be a father. You WONT send him pictures or WONT let him see her. And also how in the hell would he be a burden in your life if you told him in the first place? Your original post said he would have made a good father. You just a lying, coniving bi%^h is all. You keep missing the point. Grow the hell up and LET HIM be her father since you STOLE her away from him. Im done with you. I hope you get your a$$ handed to you.

Claire - posted on 09/24/2012

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Please close it. I agree with dove. After reading thru 6 pages of your responses I honestly cannot believe it. Illegal, or not, you will not see how you were wrong. It doesnt have to be illegal to be wrong

Claire - posted on 09/24/2012

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Make sure you were still pregnant 6 months later? A miscarriage is a definite thing. Not an "oh maybe it didnt happen:" You told him there was no baby, you left him and you made a decision without his knowledge. You are wrong. I'm sorry. If when your daughter is older and does get in contact with him, there will definitely be consequences, for you

Julie - posted on 09/24/2012

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Missing the point. I haven't done anything illegal. I wasn't legally required to inform him about my daughter's birth. Therefore I didn't do anything wrong.



Also, he would've been a burden to us for the last 5 years if he'd had the gumption to see if my miscarriage was a false alarm. I waited until now to tell him so that he couldn't interfere with the building of our family's foundation, and to make him realize his mistake of not having that gumption to make sure he went to any length necessary to see if he still needed to step up to the plate and take responsibility for his actions of creating a child.



My daughter probably has a right to know about him, which is why I don't plan to lie to her. It's all on him now. He can either waste his energy trying to be the father he isn't capable of being, or he can look back and wonder if he should have. Either way I don't care what he does. My daughter needs me and I'm not going to waste my time with him unless he has something to offer that's worth dealing with. It's not looking that way now.

Momma Of 4 - posted on 09/24/2012

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Yes.. why... why did you leave this man? Is there more to this story??? Just because you didnt want interference in future relationships isnt enough for what your child will feel one day. What was the relationship before??? You WERE engaged....

Holly - posted on 09/24/2012

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Holy crap!



I have known several kids who were adopted. Wholly adopted mind you but none the less they all had great families that were stable and had money. Of those children only one didn't battle internally with the fact that they were abandoned. I always thought they were ridiculous but I was young and wasn't adopted so I didn't understand their pain. It was real to them!



So imagine your daughter finding out, as she will, in the future that her dad isn't her dad it's really this guy. Sure she pry won't get contact till she's an adult or near an adult but she'll get it. Everyone I know has! He'll be all too happy to throw your butt under the bus, I sure as hell would, and tell that he DID fight for her and here is the proof but your mom did this to you.



Now you answer..... Who is she going to hate? And I'm saying with confidence HATE... even if she gets back to talking to you.... as I wouldn't. You are going to lose your relationship, trust, everything. I'd bet my ass on that. So are there going to be consequences? yep! There always is in life if you haven't figured that out yet wow .... you are blind.

Amber - posted on 09/23/2012

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I am shocked! Julie, you keep saying that the father doesn't have any rights and you aren't going to make it easy for him to see his daughter. Then you say, "I won and he lost. Tough shit!". You just used your daughter as a tool, in some sort of game you are playing with her actual father. I didn't know that kids were something you "win".



I personally believe that children should have the right to know their parents. I grew up knowing both of my parents, and I also had a wonderful man in my life that married my mom when I was a child. My father wasn't a good dad by any means, but my mom never said anything bad about him and she allowed us kids to decide for ourselves over the years if we wanted to have him in our lives or not. It was something that wasn't a choice for her to make, it was mine. He is half of me after all!



I'm glad that your daughter has someone in her life that loves and cares for her, but she also deserves to have her father in her life too. What happens (god forbid) if your daughter ends up with some sort of disease or cancer and needs biological family to save her life? Then are you going to be at the "mercy" of her father? You need to not be selfish, she is not a tool. Her father deserves to know her, and she deserves to know him too. If your daughter calls your husband dad, then let her call her father...father! She may not understand completely right now (although my 4 yr old would comprehend it), I think you could explain it in a way that wouldn't confuse her! I hope everything works out for your daughter. Good luck and God bless.

Keri - posted on 09/23/2012

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This is just mean. You were obviously in a committed relationship with the bio father and then (maybe) something happened and you wanted to break it off. In my experience, many relationships that include an unplanned pregnancy end, sadly, but I've never heard of anyone lying to their partner about having a miscarriage, then going off to have the baby alone. I'm also wondering why your parents would back you up on this? Why deny the baby its real father? My big question is, if you decided to lie from the start by telling him you miscarried, why would you come out 4 years later and say "hey, this is your daughter, just so know, but I'm not going to let you see her and the man I married instead of you is already the adopted father?" That's really low - and yes, there should be consequences - for you. Sorry for being so harsh, but I come from a traditional family that would likely disown any family member that acted this way.

Jocelyn - posted on 09/23/2012

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Julie,



Some mothers whose fathers are out of contact are at a severe disadvantage. He is half of your daughter's DNA. All his ancestry and his bloodline has been carried into her and she should know what is in that blood. You should too.



Everytime I go to a new doctor I fill out paperwork including family illnesses. It's important for you to know if his grandmother died of breast cancer or if his whole family suffers from high blood pressure. It could be in your daughter's future, or in her children's. When she is an adult and has her own children she may be curious about her history of family illnesses or her ancestry and seek him out. What if he cries to her and tells her his side of the story? What if she discovers he had been deceived and wanted to know her since the moment he discovered she existed? What will she think of you?



You could very easily push him away and ignore his requests. You have a busy life. We all do with work, hubby and child. It would take time and effort to extend that olive branch. Perhaps you're not ready now. Your way of thinking is similar to my husband's ten years ago. He sees things differently now. Maybe when you turn thirty you will see things in a new light. By then it will be even harder to contact a man you have pushed away for years and admit regret but I hope you can find the strength to do so.

Jessica - posted on 09/22/2012

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Julie: money is a factor really, my mom cant afford to keep traveling 4 hours to see all her grankids BUT she does once or twce a year visit them and infact that is what i do too! Now the thing is they can phone her that is not a hard thing to do? But they have all know for a year and have not visited to get to know her or even phoned just to talk with her or even sent her photo's of themselves or cards or even gifts? i think they are weighing up the pro's an cons of getting to know this child since they havent known her for 4 years!!!!???? If you simply told the Father to get money from him then that is a wasted effort cos you caused more problems for yourself than anything! If you told him cos you think it is the right thing to do then good on you for doing that!!! But i wouldn't worry to much about him not building a relationship with his daughter he might not want to just yet cos he's feeling hurt and betrayed and confused cos all of a sudden he's a father and didnt know it??? so leave it up to him and his family, if they want to see the little girl i'm sure they will contact you BUT you have to make sure your daughter is comfortable with where you are going to catch up dont just drop her off and say i'll be back to get you cos that'll scare the hell outta her, be there for her and explain who each person if so that they can hear!! So just get on with your life and what you do, they will ask when they are ready!!

Jodi - posted on 09/22/2012

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I am not even certain why she posted here, because she certainly isn't looking for advice or opinions. Maybe this is her nightly entertainment?

Jessica - posted on 09/22/2012

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Ok, Julie I just would like to tell you I did try to defend you initially regarding your post. Im big on giving advice and not opinions, as I have personally had to make some tough decisions with my children and their fathers that other people may not fully understand or call "wrong" before hearing the entire story. But after reading some if your rebuttals, I must say that im a little saddened that I tried to defend the situation. $1000 is a lot of money, and if someone can't afford it , well, they just plain cant afford it. Teaching your child that money is everything and the world owes then is going to result in a spoiled individual that has no self respect or respect for others. You should always try to put yourself is someone else's shoes and think before you judge/speak. DNA or not, grandparents are called grandparents because they aren't your parent...they are a generation OLDER than your parents. Older people often suffer from medical issues, where they must invest a lot of money in medical supplies, prescriptions etc, many are on fixed incomes, or need to save for retirement so they can afford to keep their home and so on. Not to mention the economy sucks. And honestly, to complain about bio dad not paying support knowing he has a daughter for only a year, are you kidding me! He has no rights, legally he ISNT her father. Your HUSBAND adopted her HE is responsible to PAY FOR HER. The two of you made that decision when he took over legal responsibility...besides $1000 isn't anything for you to throw around to begin with, or so you imply. Why do your care about someone paying you money for a child they aren't legally allowed to have. My kids dads are literally pieces of shit, I wish they were so lucky to have a bio father that cares, thank god my boyfriend cares about them. Your daughter is lucky to have two men in her life that do or could truly love her and be there for her. Im not judging you as a person but seriously, do yourself a favor and think before you post. Good luck.

Jodi - posted on 09/22/2012

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"The DNA family". Ugh.



Not to mention that she totally missed the point of Dove's post (i.e. watching your child go through this heartbreak).



I wish you a nice life lady. I wonder if we will see you back here in 10 years asking for advice because your daughter wants to live with her dad (because her mother has no heart), and she is of age where the judge will take her opinion into consideration.



I also hope your current marriage lasts so you don't fuck up any more lives. I guess that's the best anyone can hope for.

Ashley - posted on 09/22/2012

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How do you KNOW she will be unhappy? Shes a 4yr old kid. Kids LOVE almost everyone at that age. And why not introduce her to more people that will love her and care for her? And why doesnt she NEED her REAL father? Just because she has survived 4 yrs without him? Thats because of you.

Ashley - posted on 09/22/2012

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Lets see, money is a big deal. When you cant afford to fly, rent a car and pay gas for one weekend because you have other bills to pay that is understandable. My god damn woman, do you hear yourself? They are being selfish because they cant afford to visit. I know I wouldnt be able to afford all that money to go all the way there and NOT be guaranteed to even see my child. But yup I can sooo see your point (can you see my sarcasm?). Selfish selfish woman.

Julie - posted on 09/22/2012

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Dove – my answer is that I never told the DNA grandma she can't visit my daughter. It's only $500 for a plane ticket, $100 car rental, $50 gas. Wouldn't you say that a 60 year old woman is selfish if she doesn't spend that money as often as necessary to have a relationship with a child? That whole DNA side seems to be under this selfish delusion that they need a certain amount of time with my daughter to build a meaningful relationship, and that thousands and thousands of dollars per year isn't going to "buy" them that time because of my rules.



So let me ask you, Dove. How would you feel if your child's other DNA side was going to harm his self-esteem because they thought it was only worth a certain amount of money for a certain amount of time? Like imagine what it would be like for your son, if they said, "oh we can't afford to see you for another 3-5 months, we have bills to pay and other family right here to spend money on and a retirement to save for". It's not fair for a child to have people pop up once in a while because money is a factor to them.



Same goes for the bio father. He wants a certain amount of time to spend that kind of money. How selfish is that? If he cares at all, then he'll spend $1000 just for one minute with her if that's all I'll give him. He's just trying to blame me for him not living up to the responsibilities of a father. He hasn't even sent me 1 penny to help raise her and he's known a year now.



I'm at the point where I don't care anymore whether they get their heads out of their asses. I don't know what kind of relationship the bio father thinks he's gonna have from all the way out there anyway. He thinks it's not fair that he is supposed to move here if he doesn't have rights because we can cut him out whenever or we can move. Blah blah blah. Excuses excuses. All about him.

S. - posted on 09/22/2012

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I think everyone should stop posting! this person clearly is an attention seeker and very spoilt she will never see what's right because she's to busy making excuses for her bad decisions. I have no idea why she posted in the first place, maybe she expected ppl to agree with her! Maybe she just likes the reaction, it's clear she didn't want to take ppl's opinions on.

Ashley - posted on 09/22/2012

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All I can hope is that you tell your daughter the FULL truth about what YOU did to her REAL dad and she puts you in your place. Youre in the wrong and no matter how much you try to defend your actions youre just making yourself a worse person. I will say again that I hope her REAL dad will get custody of her and take her far away from you. Than maybe you will see whats it like to be in his shoes.

Jodi - posted on 09/22/2012

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What a sad, bitter woman you are. To be so proud of yourself and the decisions you have made and come here to boast about them. How very sad. I feel sorry for you.

Letitia - posted on 09/22/2012

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What's done is done! Your daughter may not want to find out about her bio dad later on in life. N the way I see it the only reason she wouldn't want to find out is if u twisted this to be his fault n u say he didn't want her! But she also might want to meet him. N if she does n she finds out that u lied to him from the beginning then that's when she's gunna hate u. N really r u willing to risk this happening. U want peoples advise so here's mine: let her no from now that she has another daddy out there. Let her no all his details (like name for now then where he lives n stuff later) and let her no that he loves her very much. Don't make him out to be the bad guy and don't bad mouth him. Then, if she wants to get to know him, then organise a meeting somewhere your daughter and yourself are comfortable! If after all this she doesn't want to know him or he doesn't stick around at least u can say u tried. U can't sit there n say u don't want him interfering because that's what comes with having a child to another man. it may be hard but it's your daughter thats caught up in the middle n she's the one u have to think of.

Goodluck with it all

Julie - posted on 09/22/2012

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Yes Karma is a bitch. And ya know what? This "poor" bio father is getting his Karma. My husband had to almost lose me and see me be with the bio father. But my husband got his revenge. My husband did not "steal" another man's child. He adopted a child so it wouldn't have a crappy extreme part time father who would abuse the legal system with "fathers rights" gimmicks to interfere with our family. My husband made me see who the better man was when he held down a better paying job and told me I'd regret it forever if I stayed with my fiance and ruined my life and my career by having his baby and everybody back home would be disappointed in me and think I sunk to a lower status. But you know what? He still married me while I was pregnant and adopted her. So obviously there is nothing bad to say about my husband. Picking on my husband will not change the fact that he is her "real" father and my ex fiance is just some guy we'll all have to deal with in some way yet to be determined. It's unfortunate that my daughter will have to bear the burden of understanding his existence.



And it's not an illegal adoption. Mothers don't have to tell unmarried bio fathers anything, ever. Even if the bio father knows, we as mothers have the right to give up our babies without their consent. If the bio fathers can't find some gimmick to interfere with what we want for our children, then it's their loss. Tough love. Maybe it's not nice, but that's life. The kids really don't care. Plenty of people are adopted and don't care to admit their bio parents, complete strangers who are nothing but suppliers of their DNA and nothing more.



My ex knew there were no guarantees in life, but he made a decision to procreate and now he has to live with it.

Jessica - posted on 09/21/2012

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well buy not telling him in the first place saved her so much trouble, and so many issues that would have been caused, so i can see in a way why she didnt tell him, BUT it was the wrong thing to do! But she also has now told him, but all of you are saying that the guy who adopted her and loves her as his own and has beenraising her for 4 years should have the adoption turned over? that guy didnt really do anything wrong except love the mother ( yes he said abort but she didnt and he loves her anyway) The mother is the one who said nothing to the real father! but now that she has i do believe that he should be allowed to get to know her, but i agree with her for him to not be called DAD cos she is only 4 years old it'll confuse her and the poor thing will be very upset in the long run! let them build a relationship slowly ( yes he should be the one to visit cos the little girl needs to feel comfortable in her own enviroment) and when she's old enough to understand let her know that her real father is that guy and her step dad is this guy but the both love her very much!! everyone is abusing her and saying she is mean, guess what the girl dont know any different she HAS a father daughter relationship with her step dad who has been there all her life, let things settle then ask the real father if he would be intrested in forming a relationship with his daughter in her OWN enviroment!!!

Myranda - posted on 09/21/2012

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@Jessica: But that's just it. He has been denied the opportunity to develop a relationship with his daughter. I could understand her, or you for that matter, not wanting to bend over backwards. But I don't understand the original posters denying the father the opportunity to be a father in every capacity. Y'all situation are not the same Jessica. Furthermore, did anybody ask you to prove that you loved your child? Why should this be demanded of this father and not automatically assumed. Obviously this man has made it know that he wants a relationship with his daughter, based on his actions. I guess that's the reason this post made me so hurt, as a mother. That relationship is vital.

Jessica - posted on 09/21/2012

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My ex knows about my son and says he loves him but he allowed his mother to take me to court over him for about 3 years and he lives in another town and never see's my son and i have no worries with my son not knowing who he is, I have not sent anything to the father of my child either and really cant be bothered since we ALL have seperate lives that we live, my son calls someone else dad and dont know his real father, yes he's met him a few times but he dont know him and is fine with that! the way i see it is the girl WILL be fine weather he is in her life or not, if he wants to see the child then yes He should be the one to ask for photo's, phone calls and visits if he dont ask then he dont get! Plain and simple I expect a father to prove that he loves a child and wants to get to know them and if he cant be bothered then why should we!!

Ashley - posted on 09/21/2012

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@Jessica, Julie has made it clear that she doesnt want to help in any way to have this poor childs REAL father kept in her life. She expects him to pack up and move to her so he can get pictures and updates himself. She said she doesnt want to waste anymore time dealing with him by taking a few minutes to email him some stuff. Does that sound like she wants them to have a relationship? Nope. Go ahead and defend this "mother" all you want but what she has done and is doing is very wrong. I cant believe there are actually people that are defending her actions. Or lack there of by NOT involving the REAL father in the life.

Jessica - posted on 09/21/2012

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Honest to god, the kid will not need therepy she is 4 years old and I'm am sure the mother will allow a relationship to for with the father for the sake of the child, she didnt tell him for no reason? It is not a crime that some other guy adopts a child he LOVES since he has raised her as his own whith the mother! She will get more love now her real father knows about her, she is not getting abused, hurt, or anything else so why dont you people back off huh just give advise not opinions!!!

Myranda - posted on 09/20/2012

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@Julie Bowers: I'm sorry to be harsh Julie but you have a responsibility as a mother to make sure your child is not emotionally compromised in anyway. So far.............you've done a shitty job. He did nothing to you. What gives you the right, the audacity. Shame on you!!!! Just remember she won't be 4 forever. Seems as though you are selfish, did you think about her future? Everything will come to the light. I suggest you take the child support and accepted the visitation. Also F.Y.I. if the biological father had no knowledge of the adoption or it's proceedings.........IT AN UNLAWFUL ADOPTION!!!!! No court would have denied him visitation and child support so easily, unless he was deemed unfit as a father. My hopes are that karma bites your ass. And that your daughter gets all the love she deserves and her extra blessing from having two fathers.

Joanna - posted on 09/20/2012

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Im nauseated just reading that. Clearly you didn't know any better since your parents condoned this. But you ruined two peoples lives. And they are the ones who are going to have to clean up the mess you made. But hey at least you have your perfect man right? Fathers rights laws need a complete overhaul. He should sue you for everything you have then use that money to get custody. Then he can pay for all the therapy your daughter is going to need. And also what the hell kind of "man" is OK with stealing another man's daughter? God my heart aches for your ex and daughter.

Jay - posted on 09/19/2012

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Thank you Jocelyn Webb!

I think enough comments have been said and enough backlash has been given to express everyone's views.

" Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things." Philippians 4:8

Think upon ways we can help out another mother who is going through a hard time. Encourage her to build up relationships, not think so lowly on herself that she feels unfit to be a mother (this is a battle every mother goes through). I think that Julie knows everyone's opinion of her actions before. NOW is the time to be encouraging and helpful (like Jocelyn). Her advice is note worthy.

Everyone else, please be careful about what comes from your lips (or in this case, fingertips).

I really do wish you and your family luck Julie!

Jocelyn - posted on 09/19/2012

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Hi Julie,



You may be sick of this post by now so I don't know if you'll even read my comment, but I just wanted to say something. Four years ago when I first joined this forum I was a young new mother and I enjoyed reading others' posts (I was new to motherhood so I didn't post much back then). I still remember one kind and well-written post from a woman who adopted a baby girl and was innocently asking what age is appropriate to tell her daughter she was adopted. I had no experience with adoption and families and only knew references off TV (like a character accidentally telling a child he's adopted) and I grew up with the impression that adopted children were raised as bio children. Realistically, you can't explain to a nine month old the first time she says "mamama" that she's adopted. There has to be some explanation at some time and 3-4 is probably the earliest that conversation will be understood. This is what the woman was asking but the backlash, animosity and name-calling she received was as unexpected for her as it was for me. Droves of women calling her a selfish horrible liar because she didn't know it was proper to raise adopted children knowing they're adopted from day one. I felt such great sympathy for her.



Your situation is drastically different, but you are just as unaware as I was back then and were unprepared for this outpouring of animosity. I understand your desire for a nuclear family. You were probably raised in one, and as you were planning to either ditch the fiancé and reconnect with your old flame, or convince the fiancé to move back to your hometown so you could have an affair, you got pregnant. You already had your heart set on your old sweetheart and you wanted a nuclear family, so you had a decision to make: abort and start a new life with your hometown love, or have the baby secretly and have your hometown love adopt her.



I really hope you disregarded everyone's replies except Angela Barker, Lisa, and Jay, whose posts were written calmly, with advice and progression in mind. I don't agree with your choices or your responses here, but what's done is done; we can only look toward the future to try to repair the relationship the biological father wants with his daughter. I think those who posted in anger need a class in communication from Lisa. If you want to get someone to see your point of view, yelling, anger and name-calling shuts down their listening ears and puts them on the defensive (in which case you're not helping her, her ex-fiancé or her daughter; you're only making the situation worse).



To the angry moms: This is not a black-and-white "you're either with her or against her" debate. Not everyone who asks for politeness is defending her decisions. Think of what you want to accomplish, not just your personal views, before you post.



To Julie: I hope you ignore the angry moms and can become receptive to those who have offered helpful advice. Reread the first couple comments from Angela and Lisa's comments. Do what you can to work with your ex. Like it or not, you have a blended family. If I can offer any advice it would be this: whatever you do, do not talk negatively about your ex to (or in front of) your daughter. Don't tell her "Well, I told your biological dad but he didn't move over here so his loss". Be supportive and understanding in front of your daughter. Children find their identity and their worth in their parents. Negativity about him will only make her feel worse.



Take care and good luck.

Angel - posted on 09/19/2012

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Yes Jay you are right Circle of Moms is supposed to be a place to find support and answers to questions or concerns that we as mothers might not yet have encountered with our children. We then share our opinions and experiences on that subject. But what this woman did was wrong on every level and the fact that she doesn't see it just shows how narcissistic she is. What did she expect? She posted this for pitty, to stoke her own ego, and to hear that she was right in her actions. Well I'm sorry but I can't and won't condone such actions. I don;t feel sorry or bad for her but I do feel for that poor little girl.

April - posted on 09/19/2012

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It's interesting that you keep saying there are no lies. Read the first sentence of your post. "I lied"

You remind me of my in laws. They will send an email and when it's printed and they are looking at it they say they never said the horrible things that are right in front of their face. Point is- we can make ourselves believe anything we want. Our hearts deceive us. And you are deceived unless you really are a troll- which for everyone's sake I hope you are. But I've met people just like you and i know your kind exists. You will live to regret this if you don't change now. And all of this will catch up to you. Just know that. You've been given an opportunity to do the right thing, if I were you I'd take it.

Tracy - posted on 09/19/2012

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by the way, I have a son. He'll be 16 soon. I have always told him the #1 thing you have to be careful of is who you love and who you have sex with. As a man, he will have no control over his offspring if the mother is a piece of crap. He can try to be there for them, but if she brings guy after guy into their lives, makes the kids call each guy daddy, etc... my son can do nothing but sit and watch. This poor man. My heart bleeds for him and all that he's has stripped from him LEGALLY. I can't understand how, if he never knew the child existed, the adoption can't be overturned in this case. He was never even given an opportunity to be a dad. I tell my son to be so careful because I don't want him to have to watch his children go through hell and know there is nothing he can do to protect them. You are certainly a great example of all my warnings to him.

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